New Years Eve

This morning I didn't want to get out of bed.  I could tell when I woke up that it was going to be a tough day.  We started out the day by doing some cleaning up.  We have some friends coming over for dinner tonight.  Everyone chips in to help.  Chad took down the Christmas lights that were outside and also took down the Christmas tree inside.  We only had a few ornaments on the tree this year since it was our "Chandler" tree.  I was busy at the time and didn't even realize that Chad had taken the tree down.  But, when I walked by the kitchen table, I saw the ornaments sitting there as well as Chandler's hat that was our tree topper.  It hit me hard and I started to cry.  I wasn't even going to put up a tree this year but I was encouraged to do so.  I'm glad I did.  Now, as I look at the ornaments and hat on the table, I realize I'm going to miss the tree.  It was hard to look at the tree sometimes but it was also comforting to me.  When I looked at that tree and saw Chandler's hat on top, I just felt like he was close.  I picked the hat up off of the table and just held it close, smelling it and hoping for a scent from Chandler. 

I continued to get the housework done, often with tears in my eyes.  I couldn't stop thinking that we're approaching a new year and it's a new year without Chandler.  Normally, approaching a new year is exciting.  You're excited about what lies ahead, hoping the year will be better, happier, filled with blessings, etc.  But, my new year will start with pain.  I'm still grieving.  My heart aches for my son.  I am broken.  My family is broken.   So, the thought of the new year coming just brings tears for me right now. 

Later in the afternoon, we had some families come over and join us for dinner.  We had an enjoyable time together.  I enjoy being with friends because it distracts me a little bit.  It doesn't take the pain away, but it helps my mind think about other things for a little while.  Normally, my mind is consumed with thoughts of Chandler and what my family is going through.

So, here I sit, just an hour away from the year 2011.  Chad is in bed, the little ones are in bed and Caleb is at a friend's house.  I'll ring in the new year alone, watching the ball drop in Times Square, and missing Chandler.