I got up this morning thinking I would stay home. But, that didn't happen. I decided I wanted to go out and do some shopping. Chad had a meeting at lunch and said he could take the little ones with him. He was going to drop Caleb off at a friends house.
They all left and I was going to get ready and go do my stuff. As soon as they pulled out of the driveway, I just started crying. I ended up in the floor at the side of my bed and just broke down for a while. I just cried and talked to God for a while, asking the same questions I've been asking. Of course, I don't get any answers either. I realize that I probably won't get answers this side of Heaven but the questions are on my heart and mind so it's what God hears from me right now. It's just all part of grieving. I'm assuming that I'll get past the questions at some point. But, that time isn't here yet.
After a little while, I got myself up and tried to finish getting myself ready. It was hard because the tears just kept coming.
As I was driving down the road, I approached a car in the other lane. Their license plate said something like "life is good". Except it was spelled in a way to fit on the plate. As soon as I read it, I started crying. Then, I thought to myself "they've obviously never lost a child".
I got to the jewelry store which was the main reason I wanted to go shopping today. I went in and immediately saw someone that I knew. She didn't see me right away because she was on the other side of the store and she was talking. When I made my way to where she was, she turned and saw me. She hugged me and talked to me and I cried some. I told her I was there to work on making me a "Chandler" bracelet.
I started talking to the guy that worked at the store and I picked out the bracelet and then started thinking about what charms I wanted to add to it. After a while, the lady I knew walked back over to me to say goodbye before she left. She handed me a box. She had bought a charm for me to add to my bracelet. I hugged her and cried but I cried even harder this time. This is one of the sweetest ladies I know and I will always remember her generosity and thoughtfulness. I'm sure the guy that was helping me was wondering what my problem was. I'm sure most girls that come into a jewelry store have a smile from ear to ear and here I am crying.
I still have a lot to do on my bracelet but I love it already. They are ordering more charms for me because they didn't have everything I needed. I will cherish this bracelet forever. Of course, when I was driving again today, I was looking at the bracelet on my wrist and the tears started. I just kept saying "I don't want this bracelet. I don't want to be putting together a "Chandler" bracelet. I want Chandler back instead."
At home this evening, Chad was getting warm clothes together to go snow boarding with Caleb tomorrow. He came to the room where I was and had something in his hands. It was a pair of camouflage coveralls that Chandler used to wear all the time. He wore them for years, up until last winter. When I look at those coveralls, I see Chandler. It was so sad to see them. In my mind, I could see Chandler so clearly wearing those coveralls. It made me miss him even more.
So, today has been an emotional day. I was able to get some things done but I would often cry. I'm looking forward to spending the day with friends tomorrow and laughing some.
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