First of all, I want to thank some very special friends. They were very kind in sharing something with us. Friends, you know who you are and I want you to know it means so much to us that you were willing to share. It was so good for us! We love you and treasure you!
Yesterday evening I wept for quite a while. My head hurt from it. My eyes were red. The crying lingered. It was so hard to stop. It was all due to something that some friends shared with us. We have some friends who had saved and printed some texts and Facebook correspondence that they had with Chandler. I heard about it and was told that if I wanted to read them that I could. Well, of course, I was interested. I wasn't expecting to get it so soon but when Chad walked in from work yesterday, he had the papers with him. I was back in my room folding clothes at the time. I took the papers from him and started reading. My intention wasn't to read the whole thing right then. I was just going to look at it a little and come back to it later. Well, I couldn't stop reading it. Tears started to fill my eyes. So, I decided to sit in my chair in my room and just keep reading. It was so good to be able to read things that Chandler had written. As I was reading, I could hear his voice. I could see him sitting there writing these messages. I could hear his laughter the many times he wrote "haha" in his messages. It was so good for me to read, yet painful. He would write things about the future and what the future might hold. That was hard to read. He writes about a job one day, possibly a "National Geographic photographer". He loved photography. It's hard to read those things because it will never happen. As I read his stuff, I missed him more and more. Some of the things he wrote brought a smile to my face. He would joke to his friend about how "perfect" he was. Of course, he always ended it with jk (just kidding). When I first read that, I thought "he is perfect". To me, all of my kids are perfect. But, now, he's literally perfect, in heaven. When I finished reading the papers, I just sat for a while holding the papers against me and weeping. The messages we have started the end of September and the last one was on Nov. 11. That was hard too. Going through the dates and knowing that we're getting to the end of his life. His accident was on Nov. 13. I wanted the messages to keep on going. I didn't want to get to the last page. I dreaded reading the last message. I knew that once I read the last message, that was it. I can't sit and feel like I'm sitting in the room listening to him and his friend talk anymore. The conversation ends and there won't be anymore.
I went to the other room where Chad was and sat on the couch. He asked me what I thought. I could hardly get any words out because the crying was so intense. But, through the tears, I told him that it hurts me that he didn't get to experience some of the things he talked about. He was really beginning to open up more. He's always been so quiet but I feel like he was coming out of that a little bit. He wont' be able to do this or that now. Of course, Chad said that he's not in heaven wishing he was able to do the things that he missed here on earth. Earthly things cannot compare to the things of heaven. I know that. I know he's in Good Hands, God's Hands. But, I'm still here on earth. I'm missing my son. The selfish part of me wants to see him graduate from high school and college. I want to know what career path he would have taken. I want to see him get married. I want to see him as a dad. I want to love on my grandchildren (from all of my kids). It's those things that hurt so badly. The things that will never be.
Once again, I'm so thankful for being able to read what Chandler wrote. I want anything I can get my hands on that has anything to do with Chandler. This is truly a gift we've been given. I will cherish it forever!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My blessings
I went to bed last night and started thinking about my kids and what a blessing they all are to me. Obviously, Chander was my first born. He was a great baby. He was so calm and content. That pretty much defined his 16 years. He just went with the flow. He wasn't strong willed. He just enjoyed life and enjoyed laughter. I've learned new things about him since he has gone to heaven. So, I become more and more proud every day. Chandler was only 16 but he was such an example to so many people. It makes me feel so good when people share things with me about him. When people talk about his leadership qualities and his testimony and how it is affecting others, I'm so happy to hear those things. So much love has been poured out on us and Chandler. I was telling someone the other day that I wish Chandler knew how much people loved him. I'm not referring to our family. He knows we loved him. I'm talking about the love of friends, the youth group, the church. People that looked up to him. I don't think he realized what an amazing example he was setting.
Caleb was born just 13 months after Chandler. He has amazed me! He always has but over the past few months, especially. I am so proud of him! He has been so strong through all of this. I know he has to struggle with the loss of his brother/friend but he has really grown in a lot of ways since November. I went to the Wednesday night youth group service last night for the first time since Chandler's accident. Caleb is part of the praise team that leads the youth in worship before the message is shared. I didn't go in the service the whole time while the music was being played. But, I went in for the last song. I stood in the back of that room watching the youth lead music. They do such as great job. Of course, it was emotional for me because the last Wednesday night I was in there, Chandler was also there. He was helping with the AV part of it and he loved that! So, I stood there and just stared at Caleb the whole time they were playing. He was playing his guitar and he also had a mic on and was singing along. I was so impressed to see him up there leading in such a huge way. I stood back there thinking about how proud I was of him. I wanted to shout "hey, that's my son up there!" I know I'm being partial. I mean, all parents are, right? But, with the cards we've been dealt, there are a lot of ways that a teenager could rebel. But, Caleb has been strong. He's keeping his faith and he's doing the right thing. I'm so proud of him and I know that Chandler is too! On another note, Caleb is a hard worker. He can do yard work, paint, work on cars, woodworking, etc. And, he puts effort into it. He does the work to the best of his ability. The other night after dinner, I was cleaning the kitchen. Caleb had gone outside. I looked out as I was doing dishes and saw Caleb getting a piece of wood and getting ready to cut it with the chain saw. I stopped what I was doing and just watched him. At first I just watched him with tears in my eyes thinking how hard it was for me to look out there and see him but not be seeing Chandler. It's just so hard to get used to not seeing them both together. But then I just started to focus on what Caleb was doing. A part of me was concerned about what he was doing. I'm a mom. I can't help it. He's out there with a chain saw and I'm just watching and praying there won't be an accident. It's not the first time he's used a chain saw but these days my mind seems to go crazy places. Anyway, he cuts his piece of wood and then goes into the shed to do some wood working with his lathe. So, I continue to clean the kitchen. Caleb stays out for a while working. The sun went down and it was dark outside but he had the light on in the shed and continued to work on whatever it was he was doing. A while later, he walks in the house, filthy of course, but he's holding a bat in his hand. He had made a bat out of that piece of wood he had cut. It looked great. He's so good at stuff like that and it just makes me proud.
Corben is like a mini Chandler is so many ways. They are alike in many ways and Corben favors Chandler a lot. He knows it and I think he's proud of it. I'm thankful for it because I can look at Corben sometimes or he can do something and it just brings memories back of Chandler. I know that Corben is his own person and I'm definitely not looking for him to replace Chandler. No one can ever replace Chandler! But, I do appreciate the fact that Corben and Chandler have some similarities. At night, when I put Corben and Carlie to bed, we say prayers together and sing a few songs. Corben always adds at the end of his prayer that he loves all of us and he includes the names, "Chandler, Caleb, Carlie, etc." The other night after he prayed he said something about still including Chandler in his prayers. I told him, he doesn't have to stop including Chandler in his prayers. Even though he is not here with us, we will always love him so he can always say in his prayers "I love Chandler". I hope he does continue to do that. I want so badly for Corben and Carlie to remember everything that they know about Chandler. I think talking about Chandler, keeping Chandler in their prayers, etc. will help make it easier on them. I don't want their memories to fade.
Then there is Carlie. My little girl! She's resembles Caleb a lot but Chad refers to her as a mini Amie because she is like me in so many ways. God knew that I was going to need her. She is such a loving little girl. She rubs on me, hugs me, draws pictures of us together. She writes "I love mommy and daddy" all the time. When she knows I'm sad, she'll come love on me and try and make me feel better. She's been very helpful to me over the past few months. Last night when I was putting them to bed, she said "I wish Chandler was here". Oh, I do too! I hate that they are missing their brother so much but in another way, I'm thankful they are missing him. We have a close family. My kids love each other and that means everything to me.
So, I have been blessed. God has blessed me with wonderful children. I am so proud of all of them!
Chandler, Caleb, Corben & Carlie, I love you all with everything in me! You are all huge blessings to me. I am one proud Mama!!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
A week in review
This morning everyone had somewhere to be except for me. So, I've had several hours alone in a quiet house. At first, I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not. I've been alone a time or two over the last few months but never for this length of time at home. So, I've had lots of time to think. I've basically been rehashing this past week in my head. It started on Monday with the 4 month anniversary of life without Chandler. Then on Tuesday, I went on a field trip with the kids. When we were driving, Corben requested a Newsboys CD. He requested the one titled In the Hands of God, which is also the one that has 2 songs on it that were played at Chandler's funeral. So, when those songs are played, I'm usually in tears. Tuesday was no different. I was driving to our destination, listening to those songs and crying. During that time, Carlie leans up and whispers in my ear "sometimes I have dreams about Chandler". I told her that I wanted to hear about them sometime. I told her that I want to dream about Chandler but that I haven't been able to yet. I'm so glad that she can!
On Tuesday night, I sat in my room and watched a movie. When it was over, I went to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. As soon as I shut the bathroom door, I lost it. It hit me so hard! I just stood there bawling my eyes out. The pain was so real. It was almost like I had just received the news that Chandler died. I was hurting. The ache in my heart was so intense. I just leaned over and layed my head on my arms at the counter and wept. I really didn't know if I was going to be able to stop crying and go to bed. The tears just kept coming. I thought about how long it's been since Chandler was here with us at home. I thought about how much longer I have to go on enduring this. It's scary to think about. I despise this! I want my family back the way it was.
Yesterday, I had to go grocery shopping. But, while I was out, I decided to do some other shopping as well. I was in J C Penney getting ready to pay for some rings I had found. I was at the counter and looked ahead in the store and realized what I was looking at was the place I was the day I got the call that Chandler had been in an accident. I'll never forget that day! I had no idea when I answered the phone that day what I was about to hear. I certainly had no idea of what we were about to experience.
After I left the mall, I went to get groceries. I was going down one of the aisles and approached the end of it and tears began to fall. I realized I was on an aisle that reminded me of Chandler. There were things on the aisle that Chandler always requested me to buy. But, yesterday, I wasn't buying those items. Chandler wasn't here to request those items. Several times over the course of my grocery shopping, I would just stop in my tracks and cry. It wasn't always something I saw that would trigger the tears. It's just the thoughts that would come to mind - "I'm buying groceries and my son is gone." It seems so wrong! I would look at people and think to myself "have they lost a child?" "Do they have any idea that I'm grieving the loss of my child?" I would walk down the aisles with tears flooding my eyes. I'm sure if anyone noticed they had to wonder what was wrong with me.
Yesterday, Chad did some yard work since the weather was so nice. Caleb was outside helping him. But, what I saw as I looked out and saw them was that Chandler wasn't with them. Whenever Chad did yard work, the kids always helped him. So, as I look outside on the beautiful, warm, spring day and see Chad and Caleb working, my heart is hurting. I want Chandler to be experiencing the spring weather. I want to see him outside moving mulch around the flower beds. I want to see him outside with Chad and Caleb as they burn a pile of debris.
Tonight, Chad, Caleb and I are going to see comedian Brian Regan. I have mixed feelings about it. The reason is because he is one of Chandler's favorite comedians. Chandler used to sit and watch this guy and laugh so hard. So, it breaks my heart that I'm going to see this guy and we aren't able to take Chandler with us. I know I'll laugh but I also know that I'll be laughing with tears in my eyes. Just thinking about it now makes me cry. I know Chandler is in the best place ever. I'm sure he has a smile on his face at all times but I want to be experiencing things with him here. I want to see his smile. I want to hear him laughing tonight at Brian Regan's comedy show.
On Tuesday night, I sat in my room and watched a movie. When it was over, I went to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. As soon as I shut the bathroom door, I lost it. It hit me so hard! I just stood there bawling my eyes out. The pain was so real. It was almost like I had just received the news that Chandler died. I was hurting. The ache in my heart was so intense. I just leaned over and layed my head on my arms at the counter and wept. I really didn't know if I was going to be able to stop crying and go to bed. The tears just kept coming. I thought about how long it's been since Chandler was here with us at home. I thought about how much longer I have to go on enduring this. It's scary to think about. I despise this! I want my family back the way it was.
Yesterday, I had to go grocery shopping. But, while I was out, I decided to do some other shopping as well. I was in J C Penney getting ready to pay for some rings I had found. I was at the counter and looked ahead in the store and realized what I was looking at was the place I was the day I got the call that Chandler had been in an accident. I'll never forget that day! I had no idea when I answered the phone that day what I was about to hear. I certainly had no idea of what we were about to experience.
After I left the mall, I went to get groceries. I was going down one of the aisles and approached the end of it and tears began to fall. I realized I was on an aisle that reminded me of Chandler. There were things on the aisle that Chandler always requested me to buy. But, yesterday, I wasn't buying those items. Chandler wasn't here to request those items. Several times over the course of my grocery shopping, I would just stop in my tracks and cry. It wasn't always something I saw that would trigger the tears. It's just the thoughts that would come to mind - "I'm buying groceries and my son is gone." It seems so wrong! I would look at people and think to myself "have they lost a child?" "Do they have any idea that I'm grieving the loss of my child?" I would walk down the aisles with tears flooding my eyes. I'm sure if anyone noticed they had to wonder what was wrong with me.
Yesterday, Chad did some yard work since the weather was so nice. Caleb was outside helping him. But, what I saw as I looked out and saw them was that Chandler wasn't with them. Whenever Chad did yard work, the kids always helped him. So, as I look outside on the beautiful, warm, spring day and see Chad and Caleb working, my heart is hurting. I want Chandler to be experiencing the spring weather. I want to see him outside moving mulch around the flower beds. I want to see him outside with Chad and Caleb as they burn a pile of debris.
Tonight, Chad, Caleb and I are going to see comedian Brian Regan. I have mixed feelings about it. The reason is because he is one of Chandler's favorite comedians. Chandler used to sit and watch this guy and laugh so hard. So, it breaks my heart that I'm going to see this guy and we aren't able to take Chandler with us. I know I'll laugh but I also know that I'll be laughing with tears in my eyes. Just thinking about it now makes me cry. I know Chandler is in the best place ever. I'm sure he has a smile on his face at all times but I want to be experiencing things with him here. I want to see his smile. I want to hear him laughing tonight at Brian Regan's comedy show.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Amazed!
God continues to amaze me. Once again, He has been very real to me today. He has shown Himself in many different ways on a day that I needed Him. I knew today was going to be hard but God is getting me through it. He has been beside me the whole day.
I had an appointment today with the eye doctor. I've never been to this doctor before. He was recommended by a friend. So, I got to the office, did my paper work and was called back. The doctor came in and started asking me questions and then was ready to do the exam. He asked me how many children I had. I said "4". He commented about me being busy due to the fact that I had so many kids. That was all that was said about that. He continued with the exam. He put drops in my eyes to dilate them then sent me out for a while to wait on the medicine to do it's thing. After a little while, I was taken to another room for the doctor to check the contacts I had been fitted with and to check my eyes after being dilated. He came in the room and looked at my eyes again. Then, he started asking if my kids had ever had an eye exam. Then he said "how old are your kids?" My heart dropped. I thought, he is not going to expect the answer I'm going to give him. So, I started with Carlie and told him her age and then worked my way up to the oldest. I got to Chandler and said "my oldest is 16 but he was involved in a terrible dirt bike accident in November and died". My eyes were filled with tears. He was very sorry to hear the news. I told him "I say I have 4 kids because I'm still Chandler's mom". He understood. We actually talked for a few minutes about it. I was told this doctor was a Christian and he is. He was very encouraging to talk to. Meeting this doctor today was the first blessing God sent my way.
After my appointment I had to stop by the store and get a few things. I was on one of the aisles when I saw a girl walking toward me that I recognized. It was one of the girls in the youth group at our church. She came up to me and said hello. She was holding flowers in her arms. She had bought the flowers for a friend of hers who was having a bad day. She saw me in the store and wanted to give them to me. She said that she had read my blog from this morning. I hugged her and cried. It was a moment I'll never forget. She walked away and I was amazed at what she had done. This young girl had blessed me in such a huge way. The flowers are beautiful and yellow. They just make you feel good when you look at them.
Robyn, thank you so much for the flowers. God used you today to minister to me. I will never forget the kindness, compassion and love you showed me today.
When I got home today, I put the flowers in a vase. I have put them beside the picture of Chandler which is on the bar in my kitchen. Whenever I'm washing dishes, I have Chandler to look at. Now, these beautiful flowers are there for me to enjoy too.
Not long after I got home this afternoon, someone knocked on the door. It was FedEx delivering something. I wasn't expecting anything so I wasn't sure what it could be. About 2 months ago, I was made aware of something Pandora was doing. They wanted people who had Pandora bracelets to send in stories of their bracelets. So, I sent my story in. They were looking for stories to put in their catalogs. I told them about Chandler and I shared with them about the bracelet I was making in memory of him. I received an email a few weeks after sending in my story. They didn't choose my story. But, the lady asked if she could keep my information on file for possible future use. She also said she wanted to send me a gift. Well, I didn't know what the gift would be and I haven't received anything to date so I really doubted that they would send me a gift. Well, I was wrong. The package today was from Pandora. They sent me 2 charms. The fact that the package came today from them was perfect.
Then, Caleb went out and checked the mail. We received a card today from a very special family. The card was about heaven. It's a beautiful card. They sent their love to us as well as their thoughts and prayers. So, once again, God's timing for this particular card from this particular family was perfect.
I've expressed my thanks to God today for what He has done. He has used His people to take care of me again and help me to get through such a difficult day. His love is amazing which is why several times today the song "Amazing Love" by Chris Tomlin has come to mind. Some of the words are: "Amazing love, how can it be , that You, my King, should die for me?" Well, as I'm singing through this song, I think about how amazing it is that He died for me. But, He hasn't stopped there. I mean, shouldn't that be enough? For Him, it's not. He still pours out His love for me. He helps me in my time of need. He uses other people to minister to me as I struggle with the loss of my son. Suffering and dying for me should be enough. Yet, He finds time to use someone to give me flowers. He puts me in a doctor's office where the doctor shows compassion at the news of my son. He sends packages and cards to me on days that I need them. I am in awe of His love and I'm so thankful to have a Savior who is real and shows Himself to me in so many different ways.
4 months in the cloud
Today, March 14 means that it has been 4 months since Chandler went to heaven. These anniversary dates seem to be so hard. They really make you think about the "time". 4 months! Sometimes, it seems like forever! I can't believe it's been that long since the horrible accident. Yet 4 months is really not that long compared to forever here on earth without him. That's what hurts so badly. The 4 months is killing me but I have so much longer to go. I would give anything if I could go back to Nov. 13, 2010 and change the course of that day. But, I know that's not possible. I also know that our lives are in God's hands. If God's will for Chandler was for his life to be over on Nov. 14, then there is nothing I can do to change that. I believe God gives us life and takes it away. I have to trust Him in this and look forward to the day when He will reveal his ways to me. I look forward to that day! So, on this day, I just have to look to the Lord for some extra comfort. As I write this and read it, I realize I'm making it sound like it's so easy to do. But, it's not! That's why tears just roll down my face right now as I write because I know how hard that is to do. It's hard to look at Chandler's picture and want to touch him but I can't. It's hard to look at his hat that is in my bedroom and know that he will never wear it again. It's hard to see the mold of his hand print beside my bed and know that while I can put my hand in that hand print (and I do), I'll never be able to feel his touch again. So, as I try and get through this day, I will be turning to the Lord. I know He will get me through it.
As I read my devotion this morning, it seemed to be written to me for this day. It's amazing how that works out sometimes.
Moses approached the thick darkness where God was. (Exodus 20:21)
God still has His secrets - hidden from "the wise and learned" (Luke 10:21). Do not fear these unknown things, but be content to accept the things you cannot understand and to wait patiently. In due time He will reveal the treasures of the unknown to you - the riches of the glory of the mystery. Recognize that the mystery is simply the veil covering God's face.
Do not be afraid to enter the cloud descending on your life, for God is in it. And the other side is radiant with His glory. "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ" (1 Peter 4:12-13). When you feel the most forsaken and lonely, God is near. He is in the darkest cloud. Forge ahead into the darkness without flinching, knowing that under the shelter of the cloud, God is waiting for you. selected
Have you a cloud?
Something that is dark and full of dread:
A messenger of tempest overhead?
A something that is darkening the sky;
A something growing darker by and by;
A something that you're fearful will burst at last;
A cloud that does a deep, long shadow cast?
God's coming in that cloud.
Have you a cloud?
It is Jehovah's triumph car: in this
He's riding to you, o'er the wide abyss
It is the robe in which He wraps His form;
For He does dress Him with the flashing storm.
It is the veil in which He hides the light
Of His fair face, too dazzling for your sight.
God's coming in that cloud.
Have you a cloud?
A trial that is terrible to thee?
A dark temptation threatening to see?
A loss of some dear one long your own?
A mist, a veiling, bringing the unknown?
A mystery that insubstantial seems:
A cloud between you and the sun's bright beams?
God's coming in that cloud.
Have you a cloud?
A sickness - weak old age - distress and death?
These clouds will scatter at your last faint breath.
Fear not the clouds that hover o'er your boat,
Making the harbor's entrance woeful to float;
The cloud of death, though misty, chill and cold,
Will yet grow radiant with a fringe of gold.
GOD'S coming in that cloud.
A man once stood on a high peak of the Rocky Mountains watching a raging storm below. As he watched, an eagle came up through the clouds and soared away toward the sun. The water on its wings glistened in the sunlight like diamonds. If not for the storm, the eagle might have remained in the valley. In the same way, the sorrows of life cause us to rise toward God.
As I read my devotion this morning, it seemed to be written to me for this day. It's amazing how that works out sometimes.
Moses approached the thick darkness where God was. (Exodus 20:21)
God still has His secrets - hidden from "the wise and learned" (Luke 10:21). Do not fear these unknown things, but be content to accept the things you cannot understand and to wait patiently. In due time He will reveal the treasures of the unknown to you - the riches of the glory of the mystery. Recognize that the mystery is simply the veil covering God's face.
Do not be afraid to enter the cloud descending on your life, for God is in it. And the other side is radiant with His glory. "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ" (1 Peter 4:12-13). When you feel the most forsaken and lonely, God is near. He is in the darkest cloud. Forge ahead into the darkness without flinching, knowing that under the shelter of the cloud, God is waiting for you. selected
Have you a cloud?
Something that is dark and full of dread:
A messenger of tempest overhead?
A something that is darkening the sky;
A something growing darker by and by;
A something that you're fearful will burst at last;
A cloud that does a deep, long shadow cast?
God's coming in that cloud.
Have you a cloud?
It is Jehovah's triumph car: in this
He's riding to you, o'er the wide abyss
It is the robe in which He wraps His form;
For He does dress Him with the flashing storm.
It is the veil in which He hides the light
Of His fair face, too dazzling for your sight.
God's coming in that cloud.
Have you a cloud?
A trial that is terrible to thee?
A dark temptation threatening to see?
A loss of some dear one long your own?
A mist, a veiling, bringing the unknown?
A mystery that insubstantial seems:
A cloud between you and the sun's bright beams?
God's coming in that cloud.
Have you a cloud?
A sickness - weak old age - distress and death?
These clouds will scatter at your last faint breath.
Fear not the clouds that hover o'er your boat,
Making the harbor's entrance woeful to float;
The cloud of death, though misty, chill and cold,
Will yet grow radiant with a fringe of gold.
GOD'S coming in that cloud.
A man once stood on a high peak of the Rocky Mountains watching a raging storm below. As he watched, an eagle came up through the clouds and soared away toward the sun. The water on its wings glistened in the sunlight like diamonds. If not for the storm, the eagle might have remained in the valley. In the same way, the sorrows of life cause us to rise toward God.
Friday, March 11, 2011
I just want to cry
Things have been really busy lately. We were in Alabama last week visiting family and our days were full of things to do. We had a great visit. Of course, every day I thought of Chandler. My daddy would take Caleb off to do things and it hurt seeing them leave without Chandler with them. My oldest nephew there, Cade, hangs out with Chandler and Caleb the whole time when we visit Bama. But, this time it was just Cade and Caleb and it looked so wrong. There was one time when we were going somewhere in the car and I heard Connor, Corben and Carlie talking about Chandler. I loved hearing that. It was a sweet sound to hear Chandler's brother, sister and nephew talking about him. I hope they'll continue to do that. They are all so young and I want them to remember Chandler and everything about him. I want the memories they have of him to never fade.
We got back home from our trip on Monday of this week. Every day this week has been busy. I wasn't even able to unpack some of our clothes from the trip until yesterday afternoon. I'm still not finished. I don't have much more to do though.
Wednesday night, Chad, Corben, Carlie and I were at Bojangles grabbing a bite to eat before church. We started talking there at the table and I was crying again. The people at Bojangles are going to wonder what is wrong with us. This was the 2nd time we had been in there and I started crying. I was sitting there wiping my eyes and trying to catch breaths while people around me are eating. The conversation was about Chandler of course. Chad started it all by saying how hard things have been for him lately. He misses Chandler and it's hard to accept that he's gone forever when it hurts so badly at only 3 1/2 months of him being gone. Then I started talking about some articles I had read recently. I've read lots of things lately about people who have had head injuries and survived. I'm not out looking for these articles. They just happened to be in magazines I had. Anyway, I shared with Chad about some of the stories I read. My question is why were the doctors able to treat their head injuries. Why couldn't Chandler have been saved? Did they do everything they could have done? Chad assured me that we had great doctors and they did what they could. The difference in the articles I had read was that those people had brain injuries but they also still had brain waves. Chandler didn't have that. I believe as time goes on and I continue to think about the accident, I'm looking for something we could have done differently to save him. Of course, that's not doing me any good either. We can't bring him back. So, to find something that we could have done differently to save him would just hurt me even more. My mind is just a little crazy these days and goes places it shouldn't go.
Yesterday was Corben's 7th birthday. He had a good day but I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that we are celebrating another birthday without Chandler here with us. I remembered back to the day when Corben was born. Chandler and Caleb went to the hospital with us. I was induced and I really wanted them there with me. They were even going to be with us during delivery. They were excited and ready to meet their baby brother. The day ended up being a long one. We had gotten there about 9:00 am and at 11:00 pm, Corben still wasn't here. They got me to start pushing for a while even though I wasn't fully dilated. Chandler and Caleb were there. There were sitting to the side of the room, not able to see anything, but certainly experiencing it. Our plans for them experiencing the whole delivery didn't work out. We ended up having a c-section. But, I'll never forget Corben's birthday with Chandler and Caleb in the room waiting on him to be born.
This morning I woke up and felt blah. I think all of the busy days have crept up on me. I'm not tired. It's just that with all of the business, I don't really get a chance to express my emotions. I don't have time to just go in my room and have a good cry. I could tell when I woke up that today was going to be a day that I need to cry. The bad thing is I had to get busy this morning as soon as I got up. Alex and Addison are coming for a visit so I had to get a few things done. I cried a few times while working but I really just wanted to sit in my room and have time alone. Earlier, Chad and I were making plans for meals for the weekend so that he could go to the store. We talked about having roast for Sunday's lunch. We can put it in the crock pot and then it's ready when we get home. We decided that's what we would do but I started crying and told him, "that is one of Chandler's favorite meals." I haven't made it since his accident. He loved when I made a roast. He loved lots of carrots cooked with it. I could never have too many carrots for him.
Finally about an hour ago, I was able to come back to my room and just be alone. I was reading in my devotion book and it was really good today. I'll share it in a minute. Tears come easily today. I want to see Chandler and talk to him. I want to hug him. Forever is too long to go without my son here! Forever seems so unbearable!
After the death of Moses the servant of the Lord, the Lord said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses' aide: "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan river." (Joshua 1:1-2)
Yesterday you experienced a great sorrow, and now your home seems empty. Your first impulse is to give up and to sit down in despair amid your dashed hopes. Yet you must defy that temptation, for you are at the front line of the battle, and the crisis is at hand. Faltering even one moment would put God's interest at risk. Other lives will be harmed by your hesitation, and His work will suffer if you simply fold your hands. You must not linger at this point, even to indulge your grief.
A famous general once related this sorrowful story from his own wartime experience. His son was the lieutenant of an artillery unit, and an assault was in progress. As the father led his division in a charge, pressing on across the battlefield, suddenly his eye caught sight of a dead artillery officer lying right before him. Just a glance told him it was his son. The general's fatherly impulse was to kneel by the body of his beloved son and express his grief, but the duty of the moment demanded he press on with his charge. So after quickly kissing his dear son, he hurried away, leading his command in the assault.
Weeping inconsolably beside a grave will never bring back the treasure of a lost love, nor can any blessing come from such great sadness. Sorrow causes deep scars, and indelibly writes its story on the suffering heart. We never completely recover from our greatest griefs and are never exactly the same after having passed through them. Yet sorrow that is endured in the right spirit impacts our growth favorably and brings us a greater sense of compassion for others. Indeed, those who have no scars of sorrow or suffering upon them are poor. "The joy set before" (Heb. 12:2) us should shine on our griefs just as the sun shines through the clouds, making them radiant. God has ordained our truest and richest comfort to be found by pressing on toward the goal. Sitting down and brooding over our sorrow deepens the darkness surrounding us, allowing it to creep into our heart. And soon our strength has changed to weakness. But if we will turn from the gloom and remain faithful to the calling of God, the light will shine again and we will grow stronger. J. R. Miller
Lord, You know that through our tears
Of hasty, selfish weeping
Comes surer sin, and for our petty fears
Of loss You have in keeping
A greater gain than all of which we dreamed;
You knowest that in grasping
The bright possessions which so precious seemed
We lose them; but if, clasping
Your faithful hand, we tread with steadfast feet
The path of Your appointing,
There waits for us a treasury of sweet
Delight, royal annointing
With oil of gladness and of strength. Helen Hunt Jackson
Today, my first impulse is to give up. I don't want to do anything. I want to wallow in my sorrow. I want to cry and cry. I do believe that I have to take the time I need to cry. I can't hold that in. I have to get it out. But, I can't give up. I have to pick myself up and keep on going. I have a family to take care of.
While sitting here, Chad just brought me something he wanted me to read. It's written by a mom who has a very sick child. He's on the list to receive organ transplants. After reading it, I just sit here crying. It's so hard for me to believe where we are right now. It's still so hard to comprehend that our son is gone. It's hard to believe that a lot of the new friends I am in contact with these days are moms who have lost a child. I'm grieving the loss of my son and that is the hardest thing in the world to do!
We got back home from our trip on Monday of this week. Every day this week has been busy. I wasn't even able to unpack some of our clothes from the trip until yesterday afternoon. I'm still not finished. I don't have much more to do though.
Wednesday night, Chad, Corben, Carlie and I were at Bojangles grabbing a bite to eat before church. We started talking there at the table and I was crying again. The people at Bojangles are going to wonder what is wrong with us. This was the 2nd time we had been in there and I started crying. I was sitting there wiping my eyes and trying to catch breaths while people around me are eating. The conversation was about Chandler of course. Chad started it all by saying how hard things have been for him lately. He misses Chandler and it's hard to accept that he's gone forever when it hurts so badly at only 3 1/2 months of him being gone. Then I started talking about some articles I had read recently. I've read lots of things lately about people who have had head injuries and survived. I'm not out looking for these articles. They just happened to be in magazines I had. Anyway, I shared with Chad about some of the stories I read. My question is why were the doctors able to treat their head injuries. Why couldn't Chandler have been saved? Did they do everything they could have done? Chad assured me that we had great doctors and they did what they could. The difference in the articles I had read was that those people had brain injuries but they also still had brain waves. Chandler didn't have that. I believe as time goes on and I continue to think about the accident, I'm looking for something we could have done differently to save him. Of course, that's not doing me any good either. We can't bring him back. So, to find something that we could have done differently to save him would just hurt me even more. My mind is just a little crazy these days and goes places it shouldn't go.
Yesterday was Corben's 7th birthday. He had a good day but I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that we are celebrating another birthday without Chandler here with us. I remembered back to the day when Corben was born. Chandler and Caleb went to the hospital with us. I was induced and I really wanted them there with me. They were even going to be with us during delivery. They were excited and ready to meet their baby brother. The day ended up being a long one. We had gotten there about 9:00 am and at 11:00 pm, Corben still wasn't here. They got me to start pushing for a while even though I wasn't fully dilated. Chandler and Caleb were there. There were sitting to the side of the room, not able to see anything, but certainly experiencing it. Our plans for them experiencing the whole delivery didn't work out. We ended up having a c-section. But, I'll never forget Corben's birthday with Chandler and Caleb in the room waiting on him to be born.
This morning I woke up and felt blah. I think all of the busy days have crept up on me. I'm not tired. It's just that with all of the business, I don't really get a chance to express my emotions. I don't have time to just go in my room and have a good cry. I could tell when I woke up that today was going to be a day that I need to cry. The bad thing is I had to get busy this morning as soon as I got up. Alex and Addison are coming for a visit so I had to get a few things done. I cried a few times while working but I really just wanted to sit in my room and have time alone. Earlier, Chad and I were making plans for meals for the weekend so that he could go to the store. We talked about having roast for Sunday's lunch. We can put it in the crock pot and then it's ready when we get home. We decided that's what we would do but I started crying and told him, "that is one of Chandler's favorite meals." I haven't made it since his accident. He loved when I made a roast. He loved lots of carrots cooked with it. I could never have too many carrots for him.
Finally about an hour ago, I was able to come back to my room and just be alone. I was reading in my devotion book and it was really good today. I'll share it in a minute. Tears come easily today. I want to see Chandler and talk to him. I want to hug him. Forever is too long to go without my son here! Forever seems so unbearable!
After the death of Moses the servant of the Lord, the Lord said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses' aide: "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan river." (Joshua 1:1-2)
Yesterday you experienced a great sorrow, and now your home seems empty. Your first impulse is to give up and to sit down in despair amid your dashed hopes. Yet you must defy that temptation, for you are at the front line of the battle, and the crisis is at hand. Faltering even one moment would put God's interest at risk. Other lives will be harmed by your hesitation, and His work will suffer if you simply fold your hands. You must not linger at this point, even to indulge your grief.
A famous general once related this sorrowful story from his own wartime experience. His son was the lieutenant of an artillery unit, and an assault was in progress. As the father led his division in a charge, pressing on across the battlefield, suddenly his eye caught sight of a dead artillery officer lying right before him. Just a glance told him it was his son. The general's fatherly impulse was to kneel by the body of his beloved son and express his grief, but the duty of the moment demanded he press on with his charge. So after quickly kissing his dear son, he hurried away, leading his command in the assault.
Weeping inconsolably beside a grave will never bring back the treasure of a lost love, nor can any blessing come from such great sadness. Sorrow causes deep scars, and indelibly writes its story on the suffering heart. We never completely recover from our greatest griefs and are never exactly the same after having passed through them. Yet sorrow that is endured in the right spirit impacts our growth favorably and brings us a greater sense of compassion for others. Indeed, those who have no scars of sorrow or suffering upon them are poor. "The joy set before" (Heb. 12:2) us should shine on our griefs just as the sun shines through the clouds, making them radiant. God has ordained our truest and richest comfort to be found by pressing on toward the goal. Sitting down and brooding over our sorrow deepens the darkness surrounding us, allowing it to creep into our heart. And soon our strength has changed to weakness. But if we will turn from the gloom and remain faithful to the calling of God, the light will shine again and we will grow stronger. J. R. Miller
Lord, You know that through our tears
Of hasty, selfish weeping
Comes surer sin, and for our petty fears
Of loss You have in keeping
A greater gain than all of which we dreamed;
You knowest that in grasping
The bright possessions which so precious seemed
We lose them; but if, clasping
Your faithful hand, we tread with steadfast feet
The path of Your appointing,
There waits for us a treasury of sweet
Delight, royal annointing
With oil of gladness and of strength. Helen Hunt Jackson
Today, my first impulse is to give up. I don't want to do anything. I want to wallow in my sorrow. I want to cry and cry. I do believe that I have to take the time I need to cry. I can't hold that in. I have to get it out. But, I can't give up. I have to pick myself up and keep on going. I have a family to take care of.
While sitting here, Chad just brought me something he wanted me to read. It's written by a mom who has a very sick child. He's on the list to receive organ transplants. After reading it, I just sit here crying. It's so hard for me to believe where we are right now. It's still so hard to comprehend that our son is gone. It's hard to believe that a lot of the new friends I am in contact with these days are moms who have lost a child. I'm grieving the loss of my son and that is the hardest thing in the world to do!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Trip to Alabama
We stopped for lunch at Cracker Barrel in Tennessee. A few times the conversation was about Chandler. One time we were talking about the movie Despicable Me. It's an animated kid's movie. Although, I wouldn't say it's just for kids. Chad has watched the movie about 7 times now over a short period of time. He laughs so hard at that movie. So, we were talking about the movie and I said something about wishing that Chandler had gotten to see the movie. Steve Carrell (one of Chandler's favorite actors) is the voice of the main character. Chandler would have really appreciated the humor in that movie. So, as I started talking about that, I started to cry right there at the table at Cracker Barrel. Chad shared with me that I shouldn't think that Chandler is missing out on great things by not being here. Being in heaven, he is not missing a funny movie. He's not missing out on fun things we might think we're doing. He's in heaven. There is no comparison. I know that. I know he's in a great place. But, I want him here with me. When I'm watching a movie with one of his favorite actors in it, I want to share that with him. I want to hear his laughter. When I'm visiting family in Alabama, I want to share that with him. Everything is just so different and hard!
After lunch, we continued our road trip. We arrived about 3:45. Brandi (my sister) and her kids were driving to our parents house at the same time. She hadn't told the kids that we were coming so it was going to be a surprise. We got to my parents house about 5 minutes before she arrived. She pulled into the driveway and we were all standing out side with huge smiles on our faces, waving at them. The kids were so surprised to see us. They got out of the car and I went over and gave Cade and Connor the biggest hugs. Tears filled my eyes but I tried to be good and not lose it because I didn't want to upset the kids. Then I went and loved on my sweet, beautiful niece. The kids immediately started playing and enjoyed their time together yesterday.
I put away our stuff in our bedrooms and got somewhat organized. Mama came in my room for something and saw that I had brought a picture of Chandler in a frame to put on my dresser while I'm here. So, we had a little cry and talked about him for a while. Granny and daddy came in too and saw the picture and shared in the sadness.
I looked out at the kids playing yesterday and missed seeing Chandler with them. We were eating dinner last night and Chandler wasn't there. We were downstairs with Caleb last night showing him where some snacks and things were for his late night eating. My parents have a finished room downstairs with a large flat screen TV. That's where Chandler and Caleb sleep. It's their "man cave". But, I realized last night that Caleb would be down there alone. He's okay with that but I'm not. They love hanging out down there, watching movies and staying up late.
So, we made it through our first day here. I know that people were praying for us. I could tell and I'm so appreciative of that. It truly helps me get through the days.
Lord, thank you for safe travel. Thank you for your comfort and help in getting us through the day. Thank you for blessing me with such a wonderful, loving and supportive family. Amen.
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