Sunday, October 30, 2011

Dreaded days ahead

We have some days coming up that are going to be harder than normal.  I can't help but think of the days that are approaching; Chandler's birthday, the anniversary of the accident and the anniversary of Chandler going to heaven.  I'm dreading the days.  Lately, when I go to bed, my mind has been going crazy with all these things coming up.  With those thoughts also come other things that bother me such as images that I don't need to see before trying to go to sleep.  But, it's so hard to get my mind to just STOP!  I try so hard though.  There are so many nights that I lay there and say "Lord, I can't do this now.  My mind can't go there.  Please help me!" 

In addition to all of these things coming up, I'm also dreading the holidays.  I have no desire to even have Thanksgiving or Christmas.  We do have some great friends who have invited us to join them for Thanksgiving.  I'm thankful for that because I believe it will be better for us to be there than to be here at home.  But, then, there is Christmas.  The decorations, shopping, celebration, excitement, etc.  I could care less this year.  It's so unlike me.  I used to want to have my Christmas decorations up before Thanksgiving because I wanted them up as long as possible.  Now, I want to avoid it!  I feel like such a Scrooge!  The sad thing is that the way I feel is so unfair to my kids.  I should be so excited to be doing all of the "stuff" for them in order to see their happiness, their excitement and to give them the best holidays and to give them holiday memories to look back on when they are older.  Instead, my mind dwells on our loss and the fact that I have to get through these holidays without my oldest child.  My kids have to go through the holidays and the rest of their lives without their older brother.  This will actually be our 2nd Thanksgiving and Christmas without Chandler.  But, this year is just as hard or even harder than last year.  I believe that everything was so fresh last year that I was in a daze.  Reality has hit now!  And, reality hurts!!

Because of the time of the year, we're trying to get away as much as possible.  We are going this next week for 2 days to Gatlinburg to get away.  We've also been blessed in that we have been given some time off around the "anniversary" date to have family time.  I want to be here on the 14th so we are leaving on the 15th to go to the beach and just be together as a family.  We've been blessed with some great friends who have offered their beach home to us for that time.

On a different note, we received a letter 2 weeks ago from the recipient of Chandler's kidney.  The recipient was a 19 yr. old boy.  His mom wrote us the letter.  Reading that letter stirred up so many different emotions at once; happiness for their family, sadness for our family, anger because it took my son to save her son, etc.  The happiest day of that mother's life was the worst day of this mother's life.  I am so thankful that they wrote us though.  They were so appreciative of our son's "gift".  We hope to continue to build a relationship with the family as well as the other recipients.  There are a lot of rules in how we correspond to each other but eventually, we will have the freedom to share more information.  It appears that this family wants to know us because their letter had their address and phone number on it.  Of course, that all had to be removed before we received the letter.  We're not able to share that information yet.  I hope and pray that one day we will be able to meet the recipients.  The recipients who now carry my son's organs. 

Friday, October 14, 2011

11 Months

11 months ago, Chandler went to heaven.  It's so hard to believe it has been that much time.  It's still hard to comprehend sometimes that this is our life now.

My parents came to town yesterday so I've been able to spend the day with them, Chad, and the kids.  It has made the day more bearable.   Of course, we've still had our share of tears.  We went to the cemetery today.  Chandler's new headstone came in this week so we saw it today for the first time.  It's beautiful and I think we did a great job of designing one that fits who Chandler is.  It has his name and dates on it and there are 3 images on it.  One is an artist palette because Chandler loved drawing so much.  There is an image of a camera because photography was something else he was passionate about.  Then, there is a scroll that reads "In the hands of God".  We also have "Perfect son, brother and friend" on it.  It's still so shocking to go to the cemetery and stand over my son's grave.  It seems so wrong to me.  It's very surreal being there.

Caleb had 2 soccer games today so we were able to enjoy watching him play so hard and passionately.  Of course, he plays right in front of the hospital that Chandler was in.  So, as I sat watching Caleb's game, I was also looking at the hospital in the background.  11 months ago today, we had to say goodbye to Chandler and walk out of that hospital.  I can still see it so clearly in my mind, as if it just happened.  


Chandler, you are missed and loved so much!


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Still Struggling

For the last week or so, I've been even more emotional.  I'm missing Chandler so much I can hardly stand it.  The heart ache I feel is as fresh and painful as it was the day he left us and went to heaven.  I live with a sadness in me.  I try hard not to let it show so much, especially with the kids, but it's there.  They see the tears sometimes but most of the time, I'll just go back to my bathroom and shut the door and let the tears fall.  Of course, yesterday, I wasn't even home and the tears came over me so quickly.  I was actually at our co-op.  There was some time where I didn't really have anything to do.  I was freezing so I walked outside in the sun to warm up.  I ended up going and sitting in my car and cried for 30 minutes.  I tried several times to get control of myself and go back in but the tears would keep falling.  Finally, I was able to go back in the building.  But, as soon I got inside, I had to find an empty room to hide out in and cry more.

Our life is so different now without Chandler.  Yes, I have Caleb, Corben and Carlie and I love them with everything in me.  But, when I see them or our family together, I see the one that is not there - Chandler.  The other day Caleb had a birthday party to be at.  He was already there when I had to stop by and give him something.  When I parked, I looked up and someone was walking to me.  His head was down a little and I felt the insides of my body just fall.  My mouth dropped.  That person walking to me looked exactly like Chandler.  I really thought "it's Chandler!"  I was so excited for a second.  It was so real, that at first, I thought this has all been a bad dream.  But, reality hit.  I realized it was Caleb.  He was wearing one of Chandler's jackets that he used to wear a lot.  The resemblance that day was unreal.

Last week we went to the hospital (the one Chandler was in) to check on someone.  I had not been back there since the day I left it, Nov. 14.  It's not a place I want to be.  I don't even like riding past it and looking over at it.  I get this sick feeling inside of me.  But, I was willing to go there on this particular day.  We got in to the information desk and Chad asked them for the room we needed to go to.  She mentioned a number that started with a 9.  My heart sunk.  Chandler was on the 9th floor.  My whole insides were shaking by now and tears were in my eyes.  How was I going to do this?  Chad said I didn't have to if I didn't want to.  I knew that.  But, I felt like I really needed to check on this family.  I mean, it was my idea to go to the hospital in the first place.  We took the elevator up to the 9th floor.  I walked carefully and tried not to look too hard at things for fear that I would see something that I recognized and then they would probably be picking me up off of the floor.  We got to where we needed to be and got our update.  Then it was time to leave.  Fortunately, we didn't seem to be in the same area that we were in when we were there with Chandler.  I didn't see the waiting room.  I didn't see the doors we had to walk through to see Chandler.  As hard as it was to be there, those things were blessings.  It could have been so much worse!

I'll be honest and say I've felt very discouraged lately.  Sometimes I feel as if God has forgotten us.  But, I'm trying to find some encouragement in the following devotion for today.

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. (Job 42:12)

   Job found his legacy through the grief he experienced.  He was tried that his godliness might be confirmed and validated.  In the same way, my troubles are intended to deepen my character and to clothe me in gifts I had little of prior to my difficulties, for my ripest fruit grows against the roughest wall.  I come to a place of glory only through my own humility, tears, and death, just as Job's afflictions left him with a higher view of God and more humble thoughts of himself.  At last he cried, "Now my eyes have seen you" (v. 5).
   If I experience the presence of God in His majesty through my pain and loss, so that I bow before Him and pray, "Your will be done" (Matt. 6:10), then I have gained much indeed.  God gave glimpses of his future glory, for in those weary and difficult days and nights, he was allowed to penetrate God's veil and could honestly say, "I know that my Redeemer lives" (Job 19:25).  So truly: "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first."  from In the Hour of Silence

    Trouble never comes to someone unless it brings a nugget of gold in its hand.

   Apparent adversity will ultimately become an advantage for those of us doing what is right, if we are willing to keep serving and to wait patiently.  Think of the great victorious souls of the past who worked with steadfast faith and who were invincible and courageous!  There are many blessings we will never obtain if we are unwilling to accept and endure suffering.  There are certain joys that can come to us only through sorrow.  There are revelations of God's divine truth that we will receive only when the lights of earth have been extinguished.  And there are harvests that will grow only once the plow has done its work. selected
   It is from suffering that the strongest souls ever known have emerged; the world's greatest display of character is seen in those who exhibit the scars of sorrow; the martyrs of the ages have worn their coronation robes that have glistened with fire, yet through their tears and sorrow have seen the gates of heaven. Chapin

I will know by the gleam and glitter
   Of the golden chain you wear,
By your heart's calm strength in loving,
   Of the fire you have had to bear.
Beat on, true heart, forever;
   Shine bright, strong golden chain;
And bless the cleansing fire
   And the furnace of living pain!