9 Years

9 years ago today, we received words from doctors that no parent wants to hear.  9 years ago!  It is shocking to me that it's been that long.  These anniversary days come up every year.  I know they're coming.  You would think that it would get better with each year.  You would think by now that I'd know what to do.  I should be able to get through it just like every other day.  But, it's just not possible.  I see the date on the calendar and all I can think about are those days in 2010.  It's so hard not to relive the days.

I went to the cemetery today to spend some time.  It's been cold here and no matter now cold it is, it always seems to be colder at the cemetery.  You can usually expect a breeze there too.  So, I expected to be cold but I also didn't care.  Being cold is nothing compared to what I'm actually dealing with these days.  I waited until about noon to go because I was trying to give it a little time to warm up.  I actually even heated up my rice back and wrapped it in a warm towel to take with me.  I thought I'd just go prepared and do what I could to make me comfortable enough to hang out a while.  

When I got there and sat down, I started to change out the flowers.  After a few minutes there, I realized that it wasn't cold.  There was no breeze. I would have even been fine without the rice bag but I used it anyway.  I actually felt like God calmed the weather a little bit for me.  After the flowers were changed, I did some thinking as well as talking.  I always talk to God and Chandler.  I know Chandler isn't there but it just helps.  Then, I thought about one of the songs that we played at Chandler's funeral.  I've written about the funeral and the music in previous blog posts.  Some of the songs were actually picked out by Chandler himself.  Of course, he had no idea it was happening at the time.  But, that's certainly how it worked out.  It was a God thing, for sure.  So, I pulled the song up on my phone and played it right there.  It's a Newsboys song called No Grave.  The words are perfect and I needed to hear them.  Especially the following lyrics:

It's alright mama, now don't be sad

It's alright, don't cry for me

They can lock my flesh and bones up until

kingdom come

But my spirit will be free

When I first heard those lyrics years ago, it was like they were straight from Chandler.  I had never heard the song.  He had heard the song and requested the CD that had this song on it.  It was to be a Christmas gift for him.  I had already purchased it before his accident.  Then, I opened it up to listen to it when we were planning his funeral.  So, this song and others on that CD are very special. And, just like the first time I heard the song, I felt like the words were coming straight from Chandler. 

I'll be honest and say that 9 years later, I still ask the question "why".  Why did this have to happen?  Why didn't God allow Chandler to survive?  I doubt that I'll have the answers while I'm here on earth and when I get to heaven, it really won't matter.  So, when I left the cemetery today and started driving, I had the radio on.  A song started to play that I haven't heard in a while.  It's called Thy Will Be Done.  God's will is going to be done no matter what.  He has a plan and He knows what's best.  In the end, it will all make sense.  I have to trust that.  I just have to trust that he'll continue to help me get through each day.  He does love me.  He knows the hurt I feel.  He knows my heart is broken.  But, He also said "Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4.  Over these last 9 years, He has done just that.  I have to trust and believe that He'll still be there for me until He brings us all Home.  

I've had many people message me or post and let me know that they're thinking of us and praying for us.  We've had phone calls as well.  The support and love that we still receive this many years later is appreciated and means more to us than you could ever know.  

For years we've had to get through these days with Caleb being so far away.  But, we always talk to him at some point during these days and he has always been so good about checking in on me at some point.  Tonight, he actually sent me some pictures.  He knows how much I love to get pics and I don't get them often so when I do, I'm extra happy.  He definitely put a smile on my face.  

Special Time

It's been a while since I've written here.  But, today ended up being pretty special and I just don't want to forget it. 

I went to the cemetery this morning.  I went alone because it's what I wanted.  When I got there, I sat down, removed the flowers that were there and just started cleaning up the stone and the area around it.  I placed the new flowers that I had made and just sat and spent some time there. 

I started talking.  Within about a minute's time, I heard something and saw something quickly go by me.  I saw it.  Then, it came right back by me.  It was a dragonfly.  I lost it.  I haven't seen a dragonfly at the cemetery in a while now.  So, when I saw this one today, I just wept.  The timing was too perfect.  I felt like God was there.  He made it very clear.  It's like He was there to comfort me and it's like He also was letting me know that Chandler even knew I was there. 

It began to heat up very quickly outside.  It was in the 90's today.  I began to sweat but I didn't care.  I just wanted to sit there.  30 minutes went by quickly and it was hard to get myself to leave.  The feeling I had from God showing up was just too good and I hated for it to end.  Now, I know that God is with us everywhere.  But, I don't always feel like God is around.  I'm sure it's all my fault.  I'm sure it can be due to me not seeking Him the way I should or spending time in prayer, etc.  So, when God decides to show up and make it so clear that I can not doubt it then you better believe I'm going to soak it all in. 

Before I left, I had something else I had to do.  If the flowers that I replace are still in pretty good shape then I always like to share them with someone else and place them on another grave.  I looked around and it seemed like every vase around Chandler's area had flowers.  I looked as far as I could see.  Some were very faded and obviously had been there a while but I try to put flowers in an empty vase first.  I kept looking and I finally found one.  It was on the first row near the street.  I took the flowers and walked over.  It was a large stone with a husband and wife's name.  The wife had passed away.  I read the husband's name.  He was still living.  Under his name it said "Corp US Marines".  I couldn't believe it.  Of all the empty vases, this was the only one around and the husband was a Marine.  So, I placed the flowers in the vase for another Marine family.  To most, this may not be a big deal.  But, to me, it meant a lot! 

So, I walked back to Chandler's grave, gathered all of my stuff and got ready to leave.  My day had started better than I could have imagined.  The time spent taking care of Chandler's memorial spot was perfect and very special. 

Thank you, Lord, for showing up when you know I need it most.  I should always trust that you're there anyway.  You probably get tired of my doubts.  But, you continue to be there for me, to love me and comfort me on this journey I'm on.  You make your presence known and you make it so clear to me so that I don't doubt it.