5 Years

On today's date 5 years ago, Chandler went to Heaven.  I have a hard time comprehending that it has been 5 years.  Sometimes, it does feel like that many years.  Then, at other times, it feels like it just happened.  The past 5 years have been difficult and very emotional.  I've gotten through it one day at a time.  Some days are okay and some days are hard.  As usual, I have seen God work in our lives this week.  He always shows up at the right time.  Yesterday (the anniversary of the day of the accident), we started our day by taking the kids to school.  Afterward, Chad and I had breakfast together.  He had plans after that, so he left and I was home alone.  I kept myself busy.  We were expecting friends over last night so that meant I had work to do.  That was good because as I kept myself busy, I could keep myself distracted.  I was doing well.  I had music going and was baking some cookies.  I felt good.  Then, all of a sudden, I lost it.  I stood right in the kitchen and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I laid my head down on the kitchen counter and wept, loudly.  It lasted a while.  I cried as I talked to God.  Over and over, I just said "I hate this!".  5 years later, I do still hate this.  I don't like the journey we're on but there is nothing I can do about it.  I realize that Chandler is in the best of hands.  He is so much better off than we are, especially these days.  But, as a  mama, it's hard to get your mind and heart to understand that.  After my time of crying, I was okay.  I got through the rest of day.


At some point in the afternoon, someone rang our door bell.  Chad answered and it was a flower delivery.  We opened the card.  The school that Corben and Carlie go to sent us flowers and a dragonfly night light.  Needless to say, this brought tears to my eyes.  These people don't know us that well.  They don't know Chandler because we moved here after the fact.  But, they decided to pray for us and love on us anyway. 

Our friends came over last night.  We enjoyed a meal together and just hanging out together and talking.  One of the couples brought us a canvas picture.  It says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  Hebrews 6:19".  This is so true.  The hope that we have is what gets us through the days.  Without it, I definitely couldn't do this.  I love the gift and I'm so thankful for this couples friendship.  They are a blessing and we love their family. 

The other couple that came over are also very dear.  I was also given a gift by this friend this week.  I don't believe it was specifically bought for me this week but it worked out that this week is when I was able to get it.  It was perfect timing.  God's timing.  It's a beautiful blanket.  It's the softest blanket I've ever felt and I love it.  She wrote me a very sweet note with it and explained why she bought the blanket.  It was bought with love.  It's a soft, comforting blanket and I love it.  Now, if I can just keep my family from trying to take it over. 

God has gotten us through this week.  He has been my comforter.  He has also used many friends and family to help us get through this week.  The prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement mean so much to us.  It amazes me that I still have so much support.  I am truly blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. 

So, what have I learned over the past 5 years?  I've learned quite a few things:

*Grief sucks!  I'm sorry if some don't like to hear me say that, but it's true.  Grief is painful.  It's emotional.  It's tiring.  It is not fun.

*Grief can hit you when you least expect it.  You can be doing good for a while.  Then, all of a sudden, you can just lose it when you're driving down the road, baking cookies, taking a shower, watching TV, etc.  It can come out of nowhere.

*When that grief hits, you have to just let it run it's course.  You have to cry, talk to God, fuss, vent, do whatever is necessary to get through those moments.

*I've learned that you need your friends and family.  Just knowing that they have your back and are praying for you and supporting you is a huge help to get through the days.

*After losing a child, you are a changed person.  It changes you in a lot of ways.  When you lose a child, a part of you dies with them.

*You will cherish everything you have that belongs to your child.  Do I worship Chandler's stuff?  NO!  But, I am thankful to have his drawings, movies, pictures, etc to look at.  I'm even thankful for the clothes of his that we have kept.  We kept some of his clothes that were his favorites and that he wore most of the time.  We kept the clothes that we can look at and they totally remind us of  Chandler.  Plus, Corben gets to use them as he grows into them.

*As I watch Chandler's friends grow up and see pictures of them, a part of me expects to see him in those pictures with them.  I wonder what would he be doing at 21?  Where would he have gone to school?  Would he have a girlfriend?  Where would he work?  There are so many things I wonder about and I always will.

*I want to protect my kids.  I don't want them to hurt in any way, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Because of what they've experienced, I just don't want them to go through anything else.  I know I can't prevent all of those things but it's how I feel. 

*My faith is the only reason I have made it to this 5 year mark.  The faith and hope I have is what gets my through each day.  God never ceases to amaze me.  He has been my comforter.  He always shows up right on time. 

So, that's a few things I have learned through this process.  I'm sure there are many more but maybe I will write about those at a different time. 

Chandler's 21st Birthday

Today is Chandler's 21st birthday.  I believe we celebrated it well.  This is always a hard day.  As a parent, you want to be so happy on your child's birthday.  It's their day.  But, when that child is no longer here to celebrate with you, it's hard.  But, we do our best.  Someone said to me today that they thought it was great that we worked so hard at still celebrating Chandler's birthday.  It would be hard for me to do nothing on this day.  This is his day.  He may not be with us but he is still and always will be a part of this family.  I couldn't go through this day and not do something for his birthday.  I have been blown away by all of the sweet comments, thoughts and prayers from so many people today.  It means so much to me and I appreciate it all more than I could ever express.  All of the support does help me to get through these days.

 I actually met a new friend for lunch today.  I usually don't plan things on days like this but there was no other day this week to get together.  When we sat down at lunch, my friend asked me about Chandler.  She hadn't heard about him yet and she was interested.  So, I sat there for about an hour talking about Chandler.  She didn't even know that today was his birthday.  To be able to sit there and just talk about Chandler was the best thing for me today.  I am truly thankful for my friend wanting to know about Chandler and my family. 

Just a few minutes after I got home from lunch today, my door bell rang.  I went to the door and saw a friend of mine with her little boy.  She was holding a cake and her son had a balloon.  She said, "this cake is from your sister".  I thought "what?  You don't even know my sister.  My sister doesn't know you".  So, she comes in to tell me that my sister contacted her and asked if she could pick a cake up and deliver it to me today.  Her little boy picked out a Mickey Mouse Happy Birthday balloon to go with Chandler's birthday cake.  I talked to my sister afterward and she informed me that she randomly picked out on of my local friends on Facebook. contacted her and asked her to make the cake delivery.  I have to say that my sister did good.  And, I 'm so thankful to my friend, Nathaly, for being willing to get the cake to me. 

Soon after Nathaly left today, I sat down to have a few minutes of chill time before I had to pick the kids up from school.  I was beginning to get emotional.  My eyes were filling with tears and my phone rang.  It was God's perfect timing again.  It was Caleb.  He called to say he was thinking about me.  We talked for a while.  It was so good to hear his voice and his call was right on time. 

I picked the kids up from school today.  They got in the car and one of them says, "so, did you cry all day?"  Ha!  They know me well. 

We had a delicious dinner tonight.  I made one of Chandler's favorites.  I cooked a roast in the crock pot with carrots.  Chandler's favorite part was the carrots.  He wanted lots of them.  I also made one of his favorite desserts.  He liked brownies with powdered sugar sprinkled on top.  In addition to this, we also had his birthday cake.  

I'm always amazed at how I get through these days.  As I go through them, I see how God works.  He knows when I'm hurting and He always finds a way to give me comfort.  I'm so thankful! 


Happy 21st birthday, Chandler!  I love you - infinity!