Sunday, April 24, 2011

Resurrection Sunday

We've gotten through our first Easter or I should say Resurrection Sunday without Chandler.  Over the past few days, I've thought a lot about Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday and what it all means for me.  Knowing that Chandler is already with the Lord makes me think about things a lot more than I normally would.  I believe I am more thankful on this particular Easter than I ever have been.  I'm so thankful to know that because of Jesus' death, burial and resurrection, Chandler can spend eternity in the presence of the Lord.  As much as I miss Chandler and want him back with us so badly, I am comforted in the fact that Chandler is in Good Hands.  He's in the Best Hands! 

There is one thing that we didn't do today though.  We didn't get any family pictures of us today.  I considered it and I was planning to do pictures but I really was dreading it.  Chandler isn't here to be in the pictures and I just didn't know how I was going to do pictures without him.  After lunch today, we came home and I had planned to take some pictures.  Caleb started feeling sick at lunch today so he wasn't up to pictures.  Carlie was also saying that she wasn't feeling good.  I really wasn't up to it either.  I didn't sleep at all last night.  I'm not sure why.  It wasn't because my mind was thinking about stuff.  All I know is that I heard my watch beep on the hour throughout the night.  So, when we got home today, I was exhausted.  I just wanted to get in the house and get some rest.  So, since Caleb wasn't feeling well and I was exhausted, it was easy for me to say "forget the pictures."  There will be other times that we can get pictures.  Today would have been too hard anyway so I'm okay with not having pictures on this particular day.

Overall, today was okay.  I've thought a lot about Chandler.  I always do.  But, I've also thought a lot about why we celebrate this day and how thankful I am for the sacrifice that was made for me so that I can have eternal life with the Lord. 

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Thursday, April 14, 2011

5 Months!

It's been 5 horrible months since we've had Chandler here with us.  It's so hard to believe that so much time has passed.  Sometimes, it seems like just yesterday that we got the call that Chandler was in an accident.  But, on the other hand, it seems like forever since he's been here.  It feels like it's been longer than 5 months.  It seems like forever since I've seen him walk through the house, fix him something to eat, do yard work outside, etc.  It's been so long since I've heard his voice and the great laugh that he had!

Over the past week or so, my mind goes places that it really shouldn't go but it's so hard to control it.  How do I not question things?  Did I pray enough?  Should I have just kept the kids home that day instead of letting them go riding?  I mean, there is part of me that did not want them to go that day.  And, with all of the times they've gone riding over the years, I've never had that feeling.  So, could I have prevented it?  But, then, I think, if God gives us life and takes our life and it's all in God's timing, would He have taken Chandler a different way on that day if they had not gone riding?  The bad thing is that all of these thoughts are not good for me.  I mean, what if I could have prevented it?  Would that really make me feel any better?  Could I handle it if it were my fault?  I don't believe I could.  But, why?  Why did it have to be my child?  I still ask and wonder why a lot.  But, I think I need to try and stop asking why.  I'm reading a great book right now.  It's written by a husband and wife who lost their son.  The story is so similar.  Their son was in an automobile accident.  He had brain injuries.  He was an organ donor.  He died on his 19th birthday.  Chandler died just 5 days after his 16th birthday and this couple's son's birthday and date of death is the same day.  I can relate to so many things written in this book.  When I was reading last night, I would read a sentence and cry.  I would have to stop reading and cry a little bit before reading onto the next sentence.  There is a point to me bringing this book up.  It has to do with me questioning, "why?"  I was reading this morning and the writer wrote about the 'why' that we ask.  He writes:

A pastor friend of ours had some invaluable wisdom for us within days of Josiah going to Heaven.  He told us, "You can't ask why and let why dominate your thoughts.  You can't let the 'whys' replace the 'knows' of your life.  All the whys will never be answered this side of Heaven."  Looking for answers to the whys will only add another layer to your grief and will stall the healing Jesus wants to bring.  If you are clinging to pain until you know why, you must throw the whys to the wind.   ---Have Heart

That is so true.  No matter how many times I question 'why', I'm not going to get my answer - not here.  I will get it one day - the day I make it to Heaven but until then it's not doing me any good to wonder.  Of course, it's easier said than done.  But, I will work on that.

Another thing this couple talks about in their book is "God Nods".  This is what they say that a God Nod is:

A God Nod is affirmation and direction.  It's God affirming that you are on His radar and haven't been forgotten.  It's God directing you to pay attention and look deeper.  It's God saying, "Check this out."  With that being said, be on the lookout for God Nods.  They'll be happening when you least expect them.  They cause healing.  Don't miss them.  --Have Heart

I've experienced some God Nods.  I just haven't known what to call them.  One of those God Nods were shown to me this morning.  When I went to read my devotion for today's date, it happened to be written based on one of my favorite Bible verses.  These verses were also shared at Chandler's grave side service.  So, the fact that it was my devotion for today was certainly a God Nod.  Here it is:

The Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.  After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.  And so we will be with the Lord forever. (1Thessalonians 4:16-17)

     It was "very early in the morning" (Luke 24:1), "while it was still dark (John 20:1), that Jesus rose from the dead.  Only the morning star, not the sun, shone down upon His tomb as it opened.  Jerusalem's shadows had not yet retreated, and its citizens were still asleep.  Yes, it was still night, during the hours of darkness and sleep, when He arose, but His rising did not break the slumbering of the city.
     And it will be during the darkness of the early morning, while only the morning star is shining, that Christ's body--His church--will rise.  Like Him, His saints will awake while the children of the night and darkness are still sleeping their slumber of death.  Upon rising, the saints will disturb no one, and the world will not hear the voice that summons them.  As quietly as Jesus has laid them to rest--each in their own silent grave, like children held in the arms of their mothers--He will just as quietly and gently awake them when the hour arrives.  To each will come the life-giving words, "You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy" (Isa. 26:19).  Into their graves the earliest ray of glory will find its way.  The saints will soak up the first light of morning, while the clouds of the eastern sky will give only the faintest hints of the uprising.  The gentle fragrance of the morning, along with its soothing stillness, invigorating freshness, sweet loneliness, and quiet purity--all so solemn and yet so full of hope--will be theirs.
     Oh, how great the contrast between these blessings and the dark night through which they have just passed!  Oh, how great the contrast between these blessings and the graves from which they have been freed!  They will shake off the dirt of earth that once held them, flinging mortality aside, and will rise with glorified bodies "to meet the Lord in the air."  The light of "the bright Morning Star" (Rev. 22:16) will guide them upward along a brand-new path.  The beams of that Star of the Morning will, like the Star of Bethlehem, direct them to the presence of the King.  "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Ps. 30:5) Horatius Bonar

   While the hosts cry Hosanna, from heaven descending,
      With glorified saints and the angels attending,
   With grace on His brow, like a halo of glory,
      Will Jesus receive His own.

"I am coming soon."  Amen.  Come, Lord Jesus.  Revelation 22:20

A soldier once said, "When I die, do not play taps over my grave.  Instead, play reveille, the morning call, the summons to arise."


-------------------------


I believe this devotion was put on today's date for a reason.  Before visiting the grave today, God reminded through this devotion even though we weep now, rejoicing will come.  He's coming back.  This is all temporary.  Like the song says, "This is my temporary home". 

On a different note, I was driving home last night with Corben and Carlie and they started talking about all of our names.  Then, they started talking about nicknames.  Corben said, "I wish I was Chandler."  Now, I'm not sure what he meant by that.  I really just think it's his way of saying "I miss Chandler so much".  So, I told him, "Corben, there is a lot about you that is like Chandler.  Y'all are similar in a lot of ways, including the way you look.  Be thankful that you have some of Chandler in you but remember that you are your own person."  I just know that Corben and Carlie miss Chandler so much.  They mention his name a lot.  If they run across something of his, for example a picture they've found, they will walk up to me and show it to me.  The interesting thing is that it's almost like slow motion when they do it.  They'll come up to me and slowly show it to me and they have this sweet look on their face.  They do it that way because they know that I'll usually cry when they show me something and I guess they want to be gentle with me.
 
I got the kids ready today and we rode out to the grave.  We wanted to add some things to the flower arrangement that is there.  While driving there, I was thinking a little bit.  I was thinking about where we were going and how heartbreaking it is knowing that I'm having to visit my son's grave.  I also sat there thinking about Caleb, Corben and Carlie.  I've loaded them up in the car to go visit their brother's grave.  That is something that no mother should ever have to do.   They've all been there before but they haven't gone in a while.  The last few times I went, they weren't with me.  So, the thought of taking them there just really hurt.  The closer we got to the cemetery, the more anxious I became.  I almost felt sick to my stomach.  We got to the cemetery and pulled up to our usual spot where we park and the first thing I noticed was a plant that was sitting there by Chandler's flower arrangement.  I  immediately knew who it was from.  It was from some very special friends who visit Chandler's grave regularly.  They had been there today.  We got out of the car and walked over to the grave.  There was a card on the plant that said that it was for our family to take home.  It was comforting to know that our friends had already been there and that they left that plant and card there for us, letting us know that they were thinking of us and praying for us.  So, the kids and I started to change some things out in the arrangement.  We took some pictures and just stayed there for a little while.  Corben and Carlie walked around a little bit.  Caleb took his camera as well and was taking some pictures while we were out there.  They all walked away for a few minutes doing their own thing and I just stood there at the grave.  I was just thinking about how much I love Chandler and how very much he is missed.  It's still so hard to comprehend what has happened to our family.  I also looked around at the kids doing their thing and just found it so hard to believe that we were having to spend time at a cemetery because we've lost one of our family members -- my son and their oldest brother.  Heartbreaking!





 I just want to end with the following quote that is also in the book I'm reading now:

Think of--
Stepping on shore, and finding it Heaven!
Of taking hold of a hand, and finding it God's hand.
Of breathing a new air, and finding it celestial air.
Of feeling invigorated, and finding it immortality.
Of passing from storm to tempest to an unknown calm.
Of waking up, and finding it Home. -Hazel Felleman

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Hurting

Each and every day is still so hard.  The pain is still so fresh.  I continue to cry every day.  But, a few days ago, I could feel a change in myself - not for the better.  I felt very blah.  Then, yesterday, it hit.  We were all home  enjoying a lazy Saturday.  We had eaten lunch together.  Then, Chad went back to our room to sit in the recliner and rest.  Caleb was in his room.  Corben and Carlie were doing something at the computer.  I was cleaning up the kitchen from lunch and just lost it.  The tears came so easy.  I sat on the couch and continued to cry.  My heart aches so badly with Chandler being gone.  I miss him so much!  I want him here with us.  People say, "time heals".  Well, I disagree with that statement.  Time may make it easier to deal with the pain that you live with everyday but it does not heal.  There is nothing that can heal my broken heart from losing my son!  It hurt the day Chandler went to be with the Lord and it hurts now!  I think it hurts even worse because so much time has passed and I miss him more and more every day. 

I didn't even go to church today because I didn't want to be around people.  I just knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it today.  I didn't want to pretend to be okay.  I couldn't answer the question today "how are you doing?"  So, I'm home today and I kept the little ones here with me.

Another painful moment yesterday was when Carlie said something.  She grabbed a pencil to do something and asked "is this Chandler's pencil?"  It was a mechanical pencil  and she knew that Chandler liked to use mechanical pencils.  I always bought new packs of them before the new school year started.  The thing that got to me was that Carlie misses Chandler so  much that she's hoping she has found one of Chandler's pencils.  Like me, she just wants anything of his that she can get her hands one.  Just having one of his pencils in her hands is comforting in some way.  Right now, she's sitting here beside me looking through one of Chandler's photo albums that she found in his room a while ago.  She's sitting here showing me old pictures of herself, Chandler, Caleb and Corben.  It's just so heartbreaking to be on this journey we're on.  It seems so wrong to not have one of my children here.  It's wrong that my kids are missing their brother. 

On top of my own grief, I keep hearing of stories of teens involved in accidents and who have died.  Because of my situation, those stories hit hard for me.  I know what the families are going through and I know it's the most difficult things ever!  I just heard of a story yesterday about some people back home in Alabama.  It just breaks my heart.

Then, about an hour ago, I got word from our dear friend who we met in Wake Forest.  He said his mom had gone to be with the Lord.  Now, the fact that she's with the Lord is great news.  But, I know the pain on this end.  I know the loss they are experiencing.  They are going to miss their loved one.  So, when I got the news, I just thought "Lord, can't you just come back already?"  There is just so much pain here on this side of heaven.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Remembering the Donor Heroes

Today we went to a ceremony given by Life Net to remember loved ones who were organ/tissue/eye donors.  When we arrived, we went in and got our name tags.  We walked into another room where there was a table set up with pictures that some had brought of their loved one.  Of course, I had my picture of Chandler with me and I asked if there was room for me to place it.  There was.  So, I sat it on the table and a lady placed a card beside it with Chandler's name on it.  We went into another room where we sat and waited on the ceremony to start. 

They started the ceremony off by welcoming all of us and talking a little bit about what was going to take place.  As I sat there, my mind was taken over by thoughts.  My thoughts were "I can't believe I'm here.  I can't believe I'm doing this.  I can't believe I'm at a ceremony to remember my son who has donated organs." How did we get here?  Never, in a million years, would I have thought any of this would be happening.   Then, they started to recognize families of loved ones who were donors back the in the 1990's.  After that, they moved on to the years 2000-2005.  From there, they went from 2006-2009.  During these times, if you were a family member there representing your donor you could walk down to the front where they would give you a flower.  Then the family member would place the flower into a flower vase.  At the end of the ceremony, there would be a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  When they reached the 2010 year, they called out the donors names.  They were called out in alphabetical order and there were so many names.  Chad suggested that I go down and put the flower into the vase when it came our turn.  I listened carefully as they called out names.  Then, I heard it - "C. Chandler Coleman, Jr."   I got up, took Carlie's hand and she walked with me to the front.  I obviously had tears in my eyes.  We walked down and we were given a flower and we placed it in the vase and then walked back to our seat.  We sat there and continued to listen as they called out all of the other 2010 donor names.  After all of the names were called, they played a slide show with photos of the 2010 donors that families had sent in.  Under each donor picture was their date of birth and date of death.  There was a range of ages:  infants, children, teens, adults.  The slide show was also done in alphabetical order.  When the picture of Chandler showed up on that large screen, Chad and I both just cried.  Here we are looking at the picture of our handsome son who is no longer with us.  It hurts so badly!  It's still so hard to comprehend everything.  After the slide show, a mom shared the story of her 25 year old son who died 3 years ago.  He was a healthy, college student who was involved in sports.  He had a brain injury and was pronounced brain dead a week after his accident.  So, that obviously hit close to home with us.  After the donor mom spoke, the next speaker was a mom of a tissue transplant recipient.  Her daughter who had received tissue was 14 and she was there as well.  After hearing from the speakers, they had a reception for us and then it was over.  We were given a keepsake book of the 2010 donors.  The book includes photos of the donors and a small write up about them from their family. 

I'm glad we went to the ceremony.  But, there were times when I really struggled with it.  The Life Net workers would talk about how these donors are such heroes.  They've saved lives with what they have done.  I understand what they are saying.  I also agree that these donors are heroes.  My son is a hero.  He has saved lives.  His heart is beating inside of an 11 year old girl.  That's a good thing.  I am happy for that little girl.  But, I sat there thinking - I don't want to hear all of this 'hero' stuff.  I don't want to be participating in these Life Net ceremonies.  I don't want to be thinking about the lives of the people that are being saved.  What I want is the life of my son back!!!!  I want his life to be saved!  I want our family to feel complete again. 

I'm sure some of those feelings will change over time.  This is all still so fresh to us.  The lady who shared about her 25 year old son's death has met one of the recipients of his organs.  He's a young guy.  He even resembled her son.  The guy who received her son's organ now has a 2 year old son of his own and the donor's mom has a relationship with them.  She keeps in touch with this guy who is carrying her son's organ.  I loved hearing that in her story.  She even said that when she hugged the guy for the first time, he felt like her son.  That had to be an amazing feeling for her.  To be hugging this young man who has a part of her son in him.  I hope and pray we are able to experience something like that one day with Chandler's recipients. 

Friday, April 1, 2011

This is for me

Today's blog is going to be about a touchy subject.  So many people have different opinions about what I'm going to write about today.  I'm not sure how people will respond to this.  I'm not sure what people will think of me after reading this.  But, this is part of the journey I'm on and I need to write about it.  Even though this blog is open for others to read it, it is still be written for me and my family.

Today's subject is about tattoos.  For over a year now, I have considered getting a tattoo.  I've never really had a desire to get one so this feeling was something new.  But, I didn't know what to get so I've just waited for something to come along that I knew I would want.  Well, after Chandler's accident, I immediately told Chad that I definitely wanted a tattoo now and I wanted it to be about Chandler.  But, I still didn't know what to do.  So, I waited until some idea came to me.  Well, after I read the story of the dragonfly, I knew I wanted a dragonfly as part of it.  I didn't know what else I wanted so I just kept thinking about it.  Back in January, I went and met with a tattoo artist and talked about my plan and what I wanted.  Finally, after lots of correspondence with the artist, I had an appointment scheduled for yesterday.  I was so excited.  I never thought I could be so excited over a tattoo.  But, I have been so eager for this day to arrive.

I had friends meet me and be with me while I got the tattoo.  I'm so thankful they were with me.  We just talked, laughed and carried on the entire time.  I ended up getting 2 tattoos.  It was only going to be one but after thinking about it, there was a part of the original tattoo that I wanted to be on it's own.  So, the first tattoo the artist did was on the inside of my wrist.  I had taken him one of Chandler's school papers with Chandler's name written on it.  He made a copy of it and did a tattoo of Chandler's name (in his handwriting) on my wrist.  It's on there in a way that when I look at it, I can read it.  It's not for anybody else, but me.  I am so happy with it.  I'm able to look down at my wrist and see Chandler's handwriting.  It's amazing!  It looks like Chandler has just written his name on my wrist. 

So, after he finished my wrist, he set the stuff up for the other tattoo.  The next one I had done on the top of my foot.  It's a dragonfly (which represents Chandler) with 6 stars around it.  The 6 stars, which are colored in ways that are similar to our birthstones, represent the rest of our immediate family who are still here.  The stars represent myself, Chad, Alex, Caleb, Corben & Carlie.  It looks so good.  It's very colorful and pretty.
I have been amazed at how happy I am about what I did.  These tattoos have meaning behind them and they are special to me.  They are about my son, who I miss terribly.  I actually took Chandler's picture with me when I got the tattoos.

I realize people have so many different opinions about a tattoo.  But, for me, this was the right thing to do.  I am at peace with this decision.  I don't regret this decision at all.  For those who aren't in agreement with what I did, I do hope that instead of judging me that you'll understand why I did this.  This is about me and my son.  When I look at my wrist and see Chandler's handwriting, I have the most amazing feeling come over me.  These tattoos are very meaningful to me.  This is for me!