3 Years

Well, I started out my day in the shower with some alone time.  I spent some time crying and trying to let out some of my sadness so that I could try and remain as strong as I could for the family today.  Our plans were to do things a little differently today.  We know what the date is and we know that it brings bad memories and a lot of sadness.  But, we wanted to try and make it a better day for the kids.  So, we all went out as a family for some lunch.  We talked about Chandler some.  We talked about some of the funny things he said or did.  And, of course, we laughed about it.  He definitely knew how to make us laugh and he still makes us laugh. 

After lunch, we went to the movies.  One of Chandler's favorite things to do was watch movies.  His email address had "moviebuff" in it.  We took the kids to see Free Birds.  I have to admit it was not the best movie.  I think Chandler would have been as disappointed as we were. 

When we got home this afternoon, I was checking email and FB messages.  There was a post by a friend of Chandler's.  She was talking about a time when Chandler sent her a Facebook message.  He told her, "life is awesome Jonna, even when it's not".  Of course, the first thing I do when I read it is start crying like a baby.  Since Chandler passed away, I've heard different stories about him from friends.  Their memories, things he has said, etc.  I had never heard about this from Jonna.  I love hearing new things, especially 3 years later when I think that all of the stories have been told.  I also felt like this thing that Chandler said was meant for me.  I have to admit that since November 14, 2010, life has not been awesome for me.  I feel like I'm just existing, with no purpose or desire.  I feel guilty about it a lot because I have 3 other kids here with me that deserve more than that.  So, when I read that quote from Chandler, I felt like he was telling me, "life is awesome, Mom, even when it's not".  So, even though life is not awesome for me right now, I'm going to try and keep that quote in my mind.  I am going to try and live my life as if it is awesome, even in the midst of the pain.  Thank you, Jonna, for sharing that memory.  At the 3 year anniversary, it was the perfect time for me to hear that. 

A little while ago, we put a movie in to watch (Iron Man 3).  We were all sitting here and Caleb walked out for a minute.  He walked back in and I see more than him standing there.  His girlfriend, Sarah, stopped by for a surprise visit.  She brought me flowers.  What did I do?  I got up, hugged her and cried.  Caleb told me that he had told her that when she got here and gave me flowers, I would hug her and cry.  That's what I did.  He knows me well. 

One of the difficult things I have to deal with is that we are 3 hours from Chandler's grave.  I don't get to visit as often as I would like.  But, we have some very special friends who do visit there often.  They went today and I am so appreciative.  I am so thankful for their willingness to go there. They have always done it because of their love for Chandler.  Thank you McKinney family.  We love y'all!

I've received many texts and messages today from people who have been praying for us and thinking about us on this day.  We are so very thankful.  We are very blessed with great friends and family!

So, we've made it through the 3rd anniversary of Chandler going to heaven.  Even though, tears have fallen, it's been a pretty good day.  I enjoyed our time today as a family.  Since I've started to work, I feel like I hardly see Caleb during the week.  It used to be just me and him here during the day.  We wouldn't hang out all day together. But, we would usually be together in the kitchen making lunch and talking or sitting down eating lunch and watching some TV.  So, to have him with us all day today has been a blessing.  He's still here with us watching a movie.  I don't think we've all been together this long in a while.  So, I'm enjoying it.  Of course, I'm kicking them all out in about an hour so that I can watch Grey's Anatomy.  :)

Chandler, 3 years later, we still miss you terribly.  We miss you more than ever.  We hold you close to our heart and always will.  You are talked about often and we will continue to do that as well. You will always be part of this family.  Right now, we give live apart.  But, we will all be together again and it will be for eternity.  I love you with all of my heart, forever and always! 

Praise You in this Storm

Three years ago today, we received a phone call from Caleb that Chandler had been in a dirt biking accident.  So, how have I gotten through the 3rd anniversary of that day?  Here's how.

It really amazes me sometimes how God seems to do things right on time.  His time!  This morning, I woke up and started to get ready for work and get the kids ready for school.  I don't have to go into work until later.  So, after they leave, I usually sit down and drink coffee and read through devotions.  This morning's devotion was right on time.  The verse for today was: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.  That verse reminded me that I may not understand why we've experienced such a great loss.  I may not understand why we have some of the struggles we do.  I may not like the cards we've been dealt a lot of times.  But, there is a reason for it.  In all of this, God has a plan.  That plan is for His purpose.  It's possible I won't even know the purpose or the good that comes from all of these things in the long run.  But, when our days are over here on earth, it will all make sense.  The pain, tears and suffering won't matter any more.  As much as we hurt here, the timing here is nothing.  We have an eternity awaiting us that will be full of joy, love, happiness, etc.  No more tears!  

On the way to work, I had the radio on.  I flip through the stations a lot.  When I landed on a station, they started playing a song.  It was "Praise You in this Storm", by Casting Crowns.  The song says so much that I can relate to.  It's a great song.  I wept the entire drive to school.  

As soon as I got to the school, I received a text from a friend.  She said that she was praying for our family.  So, I enter work knowing that people are praying and that means so much to me.  I don't take those prayers for granted.  They do work.  When I get into my class, I explain what we are going to do for the day.  I tell the students what the plans are for tomorrow and that I will not be there.  Chad and I have been given the day off tomorrow which is a huge blessing.  We are truly thankful for the heart of the principal at the school and for her considering what our family needs tomorrow.  Anyway, before we start our class work for the day, a student asks me if we can pray.  We don't usually start our class with prayer so this was a change.  I asked him, "would you like to pray?"  He said, "yes".  A few other students shared a few prayer requests.  Then, this student started praying.  For most of that prayer, he prayed for our family.  It was the most beautiful, touching prayer.  He prayed it with such compassion.  That prayer came straight from that 6th grader's heart.  That prayer was such a blessing to me.   I love that kid!

Throughout the day, I've received many texts, FB messages and calls from so many people praying for us and thinking about us.  I am so appreciative of them all.  It is so comforting to know that we have so much love and support through this journey.  Yes, it's 3 years later but we still hurt.  We are still in need of those prayers.  

So, once again, we've made it through another hard day.  It's been very clear to me that God continues to know where we are.  He still comforts us.  He does that by using so many people.  I am so thankful that people are willing to be used by God to be a help and encouragement to us.  



"Praise You in this Storm" - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Happy Birthday, Chandler

My Dear Chandler,

Today, we celebrated your 19th birthday.  This morning when I woke up, I just stayed in bed for a while thinking about the day you were born.  I can remember it as if it just happened.  I imagined being there in that hospital and having them lay you on my chest after you were born.  You were a beautiful baby boy, with a head full of crazy hair. 

Our plan today was to celebrate you!  It's so hard to do that without you here.  We miss you so much.  But, November 9 is not a sad day!  It's your birthday!  It's the day you were born and we finally were able to hold you and love on you.  The sadness just comes because we have to do this without you now. 

We planned a good meal today and ate together as a family.  Caleb's girlfriend, Sarah, joined us.  For dessert, I made one of your favorites.  I made brownies and sprinkled them with powdered sugar.  You named them "flower bunnies".  We never understood why in the world you named them that, but we laugh about it every time we have them.  It just shows your sense of humor. 

We've watched lots of videos today.  Some of them were old videos from when you were just a little toddler.  Some of them are the videos/movies that you made as you got older.  We are so very thankful for all of those movies you made.  We cherish them!  I wish there were so many more.  We just sat here a little while ago watching the video you made of when you were outside digging a ditch in the back yard.  It's about a 15 minute video of you digging.  We watched the whole thing.  Who would have ever thought that watching you dig a ditch would be so enjoyable?  We love seeing your face, hearing your voice and your laughter.  There is a part in that video that always makes us laugh.  You are working so hard at digging and Caleb isn't there to help you.  You keep yelling at him to come help but he never comes.  At the end of the video, you yell at him again and say, "Caleb, you're not doing Jack Nicholson"!  You would say that a lot and we laugh at that every time we hear it.  The crazy thing is that most people wouldn't think to set the video camera up and tape themselves digging a ditch.  But, you did that!  And, it means so much to us to have it.  Thank you for your great sense of humor and for your love of making movies.

Later this afternoon, Nathan came over to visit a little while for your birthday.  I'm glad he came.  We don't see him as much as we used to when he lived across the street.  So, it meant a lot that he would come by today, for your day.  While he was here, we all sat and listened to Sarah sing for us.  She and Caleb played the guitar and she sang, "Happy Birthday" to you for us.  It was beautiful! 

Your dad and I were talking this morning about the grieving process.  It's very hard!  I think you just learn it as you go through it.  Some people may think that at almost 3 years into this, we should be fine.  Our grief should be over.  That is not true at all!  You can't get over the loss of a child.  We've just learned how to live with the loss.  We take it a day at a time.  Each day can be so different emotionally.  You don't know what kind of day it will be until you wake up each morning.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days, I just want to lay around and cry all day because I miss you so much.  I think at nearly 3 years with you being gone, it hurts more in some ways.  I've realized that it's been almost 1,095 days since we've touched you, heard you walking through the house, heard your laughter, etc.  That's why the movies we have mean so much to us.  We long to hear your voice.  And, when we hear it on those movies, it is so sweet!  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you.  Your name is mentioned all the time.  You are still very much a part of our family, even though you aren't present with us.  

I love you so much, Chanman!  I'm so blessed to be your Mama.  You are never far from my thoughts!  Happy Birthday to you! 

I love you,

Forever your mama