3 Years

Well, I started out my day in the shower with some alone time.  I spent some time crying and trying to let out some of my sadness so that I could try and remain as strong as I could for the family today.  Our plans were to do things a little differently today.  We know what the date is and we know that it brings bad memories and a lot of sadness.  But, we wanted to try and make it a better day for the kids.  So, we all went out as a family for some lunch.  We talked about Chandler some.  We talked about some of the funny things he said or did.  And, of course, we laughed about it.  He definitely knew how to make us laugh and he still makes us laugh. 

After lunch, we went to the movies.  One of Chandler's favorite things to do was watch movies.  His email address had "moviebuff" in it.  We took the kids to see Free Birds.  I have to admit it was not the best movie.  I think Chandler would have been as disappointed as we were. 

When we got home this afternoon, I was checking email and FB messages.  There was a post by a friend of Chandler's.  She was talking about a time when Chandler sent her a Facebook message.  He told her, "life is awesome Jonna, even when it's not".  Of course, the first thing I do when I read it is start crying like a baby.  Since Chandler passed away, I've heard different stories about him from friends.  Their memories, things he has said, etc.  I had never heard about this from Jonna.  I love hearing new things, especially 3 years later when I think that all of the stories have been told.  I also felt like this thing that Chandler said was meant for me.  I have to admit that since November 14, 2010, life has not been awesome for me.  I feel like I'm just existing, with no purpose or desire.  I feel guilty about it a lot because I have 3 other kids here with me that deserve more than that.  So, when I read that quote from Chandler, I felt like he was telling me, "life is awesome, Mom, even when it's not".  So, even though life is not awesome for me right now, I'm going to try and keep that quote in my mind.  I am going to try and live my life as if it is awesome, even in the midst of the pain.  Thank you, Jonna, for sharing that memory.  At the 3 year anniversary, it was the perfect time for me to hear that. 

A little while ago, we put a movie in to watch (Iron Man 3).  We were all sitting here and Caleb walked out for a minute.  He walked back in and I see more than him standing there.  His girlfriend, Sarah, stopped by for a surprise visit.  She brought me flowers.  What did I do?  I got up, hugged her and cried.  Caleb told me that he had told her that when she got here and gave me flowers, I would hug her and cry.  That's what I did.  He knows me well. 

One of the difficult things I have to deal with is that we are 3 hours from Chandler's grave.  I don't get to visit as often as I would like.  But, we have some very special friends who do visit there often.  They went today and I am so appreciative.  I am so thankful for their willingness to go there. They have always done it because of their love for Chandler.  Thank you McKinney family.  We love y'all!

I've received many texts and messages today from people who have been praying for us and thinking about us on this day.  We are so very thankful.  We are very blessed with great friends and family!

So, we've made it through the 3rd anniversary of Chandler going to heaven.  Even though, tears have fallen, it's been a pretty good day.  I enjoyed our time today as a family.  Since I've started to work, I feel like I hardly see Caleb during the week.  It used to be just me and him here during the day.  We wouldn't hang out all day together. But, we would usually be together in the kitchen making lunch and talking or sitting down eating lunch and watching some TV.  So, to have him with us all day today has been a blessing.  He's still here with us watching a movie.  I don't think we've all been together this long in a while.  So, I'm enjoying it.  Of course, I'm kicking them all out in about an hour so that I can watch Grey's Anatomy.  :)

Chandler, 3 years later, we still miss you terribly.  We miss you more than ever.  We hold you close to our heart and always will.  You are talked about often and we will continue to do that as well. You will always be part of this family.  Right now, we give live apart.  But, we will all be together again and it will be for eternity.  I love you with all of my heart, forever and always!