3 Years

Well, I started out my day in the shower with some alone time.  I spent some time crying and trying to let out some of my sadness so that I could try and remain as strong as I could for the family today.  Our plans were to do things a little differently today.  We know what the date is and we know that it brings bad memories and a lot of sadness.  But, we wanted to try and make it a better day for the kids.  So, we all went out as a family for some lunch.  We talked about Chandler some.  We talked about some of the funny things he said or did.  And, of course, we laughed about it.  He definitely knew how to make us laugh and he still makes us laugh. 

After lunch, we went to the movies.  One of Chandler's favorite things to do was watch movies.  His email address had "moviebuff" in it.  We took the kids to see Free Birds.  I have to admit it was not the best movie.  I think Chandler would have been as disappointed as we were. 

When we got home this afternoon, I was checking email and FB messages.  There was a post by a friend of Chandler's.  She was talking about a time when Chandler sent her a Facebook message.  He told her, "life is awesome Jonna, even when it's not".  Of course, the first thing I do when I read it is start crying like a baby.  Since Chandler passed away, I've heard different stories about him from friends.  Their memories, things he has said, etc.  I had never heard about this from Jonna.  I love hearing new things, especially 3 years later when I think that all of the stories have been told.  I also felt like this thing that Chandler said was meant for me.  I have to admit that since November 14, 2010, life has not been awesome for me.  I feel like I'm just existing, with no purpose or desire.  I feel guilty about it a lot because I have 3 other kids here with me that deserve more than that.  So, when I read that quote from Chandler, I felt like he was telling me, "life is awesome, Mom, even when it's not".  So, even though life is not awesome for me right now, I'm going to try and keep that quote in my mind.  I am going to try and live my life as if it is awesome, even in the midst of the pain.  Thank you, Jonna, for sharing that memory.  At the 3 year anniversary, it was the perfect time for me to hear that. 

A little while ago, we put a movie in to watch (Iron Man 3).  We were all sitting here and Caleb walked out for a minute.  He walked back in and I see more than him standing there.  His girlfriend, Sarah, stopped by for a surprise visit.  She brought me flowers.  What did I do?  I got up, hugged her and cried.  Caleb told me that he had told her that when she got here and gave me flowers, I would hug her and cry.  That's what I did.  He knows me well. 

One of the difficult things I have to deal with is that we are 3 hours from Chandler's grave.  I don't get to visit as often as I would like.  But, we have some very special friends who do visit there often.  They went today and I am so appreciative.  I am so thankful for their willingness to go there. They have always done it because of their love for Chandler.  Thank you McKinney family.  We love y'all!

I've received many texts and messages today from people who have been praying for us and thinking about us on this day.  We are so very thankful.  We are very blessed with great friends and family!

So, we've made it through the 3rd anniversary of Chandler going to heaven.  Even though, tears have fallen, it's been a pretty good day.  I enjoyed our time today as a family.  Since I've started to work, I feel like I hardly see Caleb during the week.  It used to be just me and him here during the day.  We wouldn't hang out all day together. But, we would usually be together in the kitchen making lunch and talking or sitting down eating lunch and watching some TV.  So, to have him with us all day today has been a blessing.  He's still here with us watching a movie.  I don't think we've all been together this long in a while.  So, I'm enjoying it.  Of course, I'm kicking them all out in about an hour so that I can watch Grey's Anatomy.  :)

Chandler, 3 years later, we still miss you terribly.  We miss you more than ever.  We hold you close to our heart and always will.  You are talked about often and we will continue to do that as well. You will always be part of this family.  Right now, we give live apart.  But, we will all be together again and it will be for eternity.  I love you with all of my heart, forever and always! 

Praise You in this Storm

Three years ago today, we received a phone call from Caleb that Chandler had been in a dirt biking accident.  So, how have I gotten through the 3rd anniversary of that day?  Here's how.

It really amazes me sometimes how God seems to do things right on time.  His time!  This morning, I woke up and started to get ready for work and get the kids ready for school.  I don't have to go into work until later.  So, after they leave, I usually sit down and drink coffee and read through devotions.  This morning's devotion was right on time.  The verse for today was: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.  That verse reminded me that I may not understand why we've experienced such a great loss.  I may not understand why we have some of the struggles we do.  I may not like the cards we've been dealt a lot of times.  But, there is a reason for it.  In all of this, God has a plan.  That plan is for His purpose.  It's possible I won't even know the purpose or the good that comes from all of these things in the long run.  But, when our days are over here on earth, it will all make sense.  The pain, tears and suffering won't matter any more.  As much as we hurt here, the timing here is nothing.  We have an eternity awaiting us that will be full of joy, love, happiness, etc.  No more tears!  

On the way to work, I had the radio on.  I flip through the stations a lot.  When I landed on a station, they started playing a song.  It was "Praise You in this Storm", by Casting Crowns.  The song says so much that I can relate to.  It's a great song.  I wept the entire drive to school.  

As soon as I got to the school, I received a text from a friend.  She said that she was praying for our family.  So, I enter work knowing that people are praying and that means so much to me.  I don't take those prayers for granted.  They do work.  When I get into my class, I explain what we are going to do for the day.  I tell the students what the plans are for tomorrow and that I will not be there.  Chad and I have been given the day off tomorrow which is a huge blessing.  We are truly thankful for the heart of the principal at the school and for her considering what our family needs tomorrow.  Anyway, before we start our class work for the day, a student asks me if we can pray.  We don't usually start our class with prayer so this was a change.  I asked him, "would you like to pray?"  He said, "yes".  A few other students shared a few prayer requests.  Then, this student started praying.  For most of that prayer, he prayed for our family.  It was the most beautiful, touching prayer.  He prayed it with such compassion.  That prayer came straight from that 6th grader's heart.  That prayer was such a blessing to me.   I love that kid!

Throughout the day, I've received many texts, FB messages and calls from so many people praying for us and thinking about us.  I am so appreciative of them all.  It is so comforting to know that we have so much love and support through this journey.  Yes, it's 3 years later but we still hurt.  We are still in need of those prayers.  

So, once again, we've made it through another hard day.  It's been very clear to me that God continues to know where we are.  He still comforts us.  He does that by using so many people.  I am so thankful that people are willing to be used by God to be a help and encouragement to us.  



"Praise You in this Storm" - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Happy Birthday, Chandler

My Dear Chandler,

Today, we celebrated your 19th birthday.  This morning when I woke up, I just stayed in bed for a while thinking about the day you were born.  I can remember it as if it just happened.  I imagined being there in that hospital and having them lay you on my chest after you were born.  You were a beautiful baby boy, with a head full of crazy hair. 

Our plan today was to celebrate you!  It's so hard to do that without you here.  We miss you so much.  But, November 9 is not a sad day!  It's your birthday!  It's the day you were born and we finally were able to hold you and love on you.  The sadness just comes because we have to do this without you now. 

We planned a good meal today and ate together as a family.  Caleb's girlfriend, Sarah, joined us.  For dessert, I made one of your favorites.  I made brownies and sprinkled them with powdered sugar.  You named them "flower bunnies".  We never understood why in the world you named them that, but we laugh about it every time we have them.  It just shows your sense of humor. 

We've watched lots of videos today.  Some of them were old videos from when you were just a little toddler.  Some of them are the videos/movies that you made as you got older.  We are so very thankful for all of those movies you made.  We cherish them!  I wish there were so many more.  We just sat here a little while ago watching the video you made of when you were outside digging a ditch in the back yard.  It's about a 15 minute video of you digging.  We watched the whole thing.  Who would have ever thought that watching you dig a ditch would be so enjoyable?  We love seeing your face, hearing your voice and your laughter.  There is a part in that video that always makes us laugh.  You are working so hard at digging and Caleb isn't there to help you.  You keep yelling at him to come help but he never comes.  At the end of the video, you yell at him again and say, "Caleb, you're not doing Jack Nicholson"!  You would say that a lot and we laugh at that every time we hear it.  The crazy thing is that most people wouldn't think to set the video camera up and tape themselves digging a ditch.  But, you did that!  And, it means so much to us to have it.  Thank you for your great sense of humor and for your love of making movies.

Later this afternoon, Nathan came over to visit a little while for your birthday.  I'm glad he came.  We don't see him as much as we used to when he lived across the street.  So, it meant a lot that he would come by today, for your day.  While he was here, we all sat and listened to Sarah sing for us.  She and Caleb played the guitar and she sang, "Happy Birthday" to you for us.  It was beautiful! 

Your dad and I were talking this morning about the grieving process.  It's very hard!  I think you just learn it as you go through it.  Some people may think that at almost 3 years into this, we should be fine.  Our grief should be over.  That is not true at all!  You can't get over the loss of a child.  We've just learned how to live with the loss.  We take it a day at a time.  Each day can be so different emotionally.  You don't know what kind of day it will be until you wake up each morning.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days, I just want to lay around and cry all day because I miss you so much.  I think at nearly 3 years with you being gone, it hurts more in some ways.  I've realized that it's been almost 1,095 days since we've touched you, heard you walking through the house, heard your laughter, etc.  That's why the movies we have mean so much to us.  We long to hear your voice.  And, when we hear it on those movies, it is so sweet!  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you.  Your name is mentioned all the time.  You are still very much a part of our family, even though you aren't present with us.  

I love you so much, Chanman!  I'm so blessed to be your Mama.  You are never far from my thoughts!  Happy Birthday to you! 

I love you,

Forever your mama

God's Timing

God's timing never ceases to amaze me.  Today started out to be just a normal day.  But, as the day continued on, it began to change.  Needless to say, the last few years have been very emotional and stressful for our family.  The obvious reason is our loss of Chandler.  But, that's not all we've dealt with.  I'm not going to go into details here because it doesn't matter.  My point in bringing it up is because I handle my emotions and stress in my own way.  It's not always the best way.  I keep things to myself - a lot.  You would think I'm okay but then, something happens and it triggers a major blow up.  It's not pretty and I'm not proud of them.  Today, that happened.  The sad thing is that my young ones witnessed it.  Caleb will be happy to know that he was not here.  I have apologized to my kids for it.  After it was all over, I got on the treadmill and ran for a while.  I needed that!  While I was running, the mail was delivered.  So, after I finished my run, I went to check the mail.  This is where God's timing comes in. 

I received a piece of mail from our LifeNet Health Donor Family Advocate.  This is the lady who works as the liason between us (the donor family) and the donor recipient families.  We haven't heard anything from her in a while.  So, I opened the letter to start reading.  She shared some information with me about a local organization here in NC that we can be a part of.  Then, she included a note from one of the recipients that was written to us.  We've heard from this recipient before.  It's the recipient who received Chandler's lungs.  It was written several months ago.  It's short, but it's the sweetest, most heartfelt note.  Here's what it says:

"As Nov. 16 passes, I am compelled to thank you again for your decision to help me by donating your son's organs.  He saved my life!"

"I stood on the beach overlooking the Atlantic Ocean last month & thanked God for your family.  May He comfort & strengthen you this Thanksgiving."

After reading that note, I just wept.  The words that were written were perfect.  Chandler's lungs saved this person's life.  This person is living because of Chandler.  Of course, I wish so badly that Chandler was here.  But, the fact that his lungs are allowing another person to live is amazing to me.  In a small way, that is comforting.  And, the fact that the recipient stood at that beach and thanked God for our family and prayed for comfort and strength for us is just perfect.  We love the beach and for the recipient to let us know that she was at the beach just makes it so much more special.  I can almost imagine her standing there on that beach, breathing the fresh ocean air with Chandler's lungs as she thanks God.  What a beautiful picture that is!

I don't know why it took so long to receive this note.  But, God knew that today was the perfect day for us to get it.  I am truly thankful for this today. 

I know I've said it before but if you haven't considered organ donation, do it now.  When those organs are no longer of any use to you, they are very important to other people.  They can be a matter of life and death.  If you or someone you know needed an organ, you would want it to be available.  Donate Life! 

Mother's Day 2013

I've been sitting here this morning just thinking about Mother's Day.  I think about how blessed I am to have a wonderful mother.  She has loved me unconditionally my entire life.  Believe me, that hasn't been an easy task.  I have caused her heartache over the years.  I'm thankful that she didn't give up on me.  My mother has also grieved with me (and continues to do so).  That is something no mother wants to do.  But, unfortunately, it's the hand we've been dealt and we just continue to love each other through it. 

Then, I sit here thinking about myself as a mother.  It was back in 1993 that I actually became a mom.  Of course, my baby didn't make it to term so he or she is in heaven.  Then, my beautiful, Chandler was born in 1994.  Soon after, came Caleb.  5 years later, I became pregnant.  Once again, when approaching the 2nd trimester, the baby's heart stopped beating.  So, another one of our children went to heaven.  In 2004, we were blessed with the birth of Corben, a 3rd boy!  Soon after, in 2005, we received our baby girl.  I am blessed!  I have amazing children.  I don't know what I've done to deserve them but they make me the happiest mom ever.  The heartbreaking part is that Chandler is not here with us.  But, as I think back over the 16 years I had with him, I have some wonderful memories.  He made me laugh so hard.  To this day, he still does.  We'll think about something he did or said or we'll watch one of the movies he made and we'll just laugh.  He brought so much joy and laughter.  I miss that so much!  So, as Mother's Day approaches, I'm going to try and remember those great memories of Chandler while I enjoy my kids who are still with me on this earth.  It's hard on holidays like this because I want to be happy for Caleb, Corben and Carlie but then my broken heart just wants to weep over Chandler.  That's not fair to them.  So, I went to my room earlier and searched through some of Chandler's stuff.  I had a good cry.  I found a sweet note that he wrote me back in 2001 when he was 7 years old.  So, hopefully now I can give my kids the best mama that I can give them on Mother's Day.  I'll enjoy being with them and I'll remember my sweet Chandler and the memories I have. 

Lord, thank you so much for blessing me with such wonderful children.  Even with the loss I've experienced over 2 babies not making it full term and then losing Chandler at the young age of 16, I wouldn't trade it all for anything.  I always wanted to be a mom and you made that happen for me.  You've given them all to me for a period of time and only you know how much time that is.  As heartbreaking as it is, I have to accept it.  The 16 years we had with Chandler was the best 16 years ever!

Chandler, Caleb, Corben & Carlie,
I am so proud to be your mama.  I love you!!

A Meeting with the Marine Recruiters

Today's blog will be very different because it is mainly about Caleb. 

Since Caleb was 12 or 13 years old, he has talked about joining the Marines one day.  Well, today was his first step toward that.  We had 2 wonderful, young Marines come to our house today and visit for 2 1/2 hours.  When they first sat down, the Sergeant asked me and Chad what we thought about Caleb possibly joining.  I let Chad answer first.  Then, I told them what I thought.  I told them that I will support Caleb in whatever he wants to do.  But, as a mother, this is hard for me.  I want my children right here with me (or at least close by).  I also told them that I'm a little more nervous about it because of our oldest son's passing.   I do fear the possible danger with joining the military.  I also told them that I don't want him being yelled at and being made to do all of those hard things at bootcamp.  (I got a little laugh out of that one).  I just told them that's the mama in me.  I also told them that if they could guarantee to me that he would be safe throughout his whole Marine Corp career then I would be just fine with it. 

We asked questions and they answered.  They shared with us their stories, how long they've been in, their jobs, etc. 

Caleb was given a test to take while they were here.  It's a shorter version of another test he'll have to take if he proceeds on.  While he took the test in the kitchen, we continued to sit in the other room and talk to the Marines.  After Caleb was finished with the test, the Sergeant checked the test.  He had previously told Caleb the score that he needed to make in order to pass.  That score was 32.  Well, Caleb made a 65.  They seemed a little shocked (in a good way).  They said that the average score on that test is usually a 16!  So, Caleb did great on the test. 

I had to look at several pages of medical conditions to let them know if Caleb had any of them.  One page was a long list of things that will prevent you from joining the Marines.  I read each and every one.  When I finished and went on to the next page, the Sergeant let a huge sigh of relief.  He said he was thankful that I was off of that page and didn't find any medical reason for Caleb not to join.  I said "Oh, believe me, I tried to find a reason."  And, we got a laugh out of that. 

We continued on and he talked with Caleb about reasons why he wanted to join.  They liked every answer he gave. 

The visit with these men was great.  They were easy to talk to.  They answered all of the questions we had.  They weren't pushy in any way.  I actually feel better having talked with them. 

So, what's the next step?  Right now, we wait on Caleb to make his final decision.  Whatever he chooses we will support.  If he signs up soon, he would more than likely go to book camp around October or November of this year!  That's just months away!  Of course, he doesn't have to sign up now.  It's all in Caleb's hands.  I know that this is what Caleb wants to do.  It's just all about timing right now.  Caleb may want to go ahead and sign up or he may decide to wait a while longer.  The Sergeant will call in a few days to check on him. 

It's just hard for me to believe that we are at this point.  It seems like yesterday that he was born.  Now, he's nearing the age of 18 and possibly joining the service.  Where has the time gone? 

I do know that I am so proud of Caleb.  He is growing into an amazing young man.  I was listening to him talk today and answer questions and he just talks like he's so much older than he is.  He is a wise, young man. 

A Brilliant Mind

Today, I received a text and I don't want to forget it so I'm going to write about it.  My sister texted me this afternoon and share with me something my niece, Claire Michael, said to her today.  My niece is 4 years old. 

Out of the blue, she said to her mama:  "does Chandler miss me like I miss him?  If Jesus healed him then why can't he come out of heaven?" 

Wow!  That little girl is doing some thinking!  Then she goes on to say:  "but when you get really old like Mimi and grandmama you go to heaven but they're glad cuz they miss Chandler . . .and their dads." 

Obviously, her remark about Chandler missing her brought tears to my eyes.  She was so young when he passed away but she sees pictures of him all the time and she hears about him a lot.  She remembers him and that makes me smile.  And, then she mentions her grandmothers and the fact that they are older and they will be glad to go to heaven because they will get to see Chandler and their daddy's.  Hearing that really brought a smile to my face.  She is a great thinker.  She's thinking some deep thoughts and her thoughts are right on! 

From the mouths of babes!