Mother's Day 2013

I've been sitting here this morning just thinking about Mother's Day.  I think about how blessed I am to have a wonderful mother.  She has loved me unconditionally my entire life.  Believe me, that hasn't been an easy task.  I have caused her heartache over the years.  I'm thankful that she didn't give up on me.  My mother has also grieved with me (and continues to do so).  That is something no mother wants to do.  But, unfortunately, it's the hand we've been dealt and we just continue to love each other through it. 

Then, I sit here thinking about myself as a mother.  It was back in 1993 that I actually became a mom.  Of course, my baby didn't make it to term so he or she is in heaven.  Then, my beautiful, Chandler was born in 1994.  Soon after, came Caleb.  5 years later, I became pregnant.  Once again, when approaching the 2nd trimester, the baby's heart stopped beating.  So, another one of our children went to heaven.  In 2004, we were blessed with the birth of Corben, a 3rd boy!  Soon after, in 2005, we received our baby girl.  I am blessed!  I have amazing children.  I don't know what I've done to deserve them but they make me the happiest mom ever.  The heartbreaking part is that Chandler is not here with us.  But, as I think back over the 16 years I had with him, I have some wonderful memories.  He made me laugh so hard.  To this day, he still does.  We'll think about something he did or said or we'll watch one of the movies he made and we'll just laugh.  He brought so much joy and laughter.  I miss that so much!  So, as Mother's Day approaches, I'm going to try and remember those great memories of Chandler while I enjoy my kids who are still with me on this earth.  It's hard on holidays like this because I want to be happy for Caleb, Corben and Carlie but then my broken heart just wants to weep over Chandler.  That's not fair to them.  So, I went to my room earlier and searched through some of Chandler's stuff.  I had a good cry.  I found a sweet note that he wrote me back in 2001 when he was 7 years old.  So, hopefully now I can give my kids the best mama that I can give them on Mother's Day.  I'll enjoy being with them and I'll remember my sweet Chandler and the memories I have. 

Lord, thank you so much for blessing me with such wonderful children.  Even with the loss I've experienced over 2 babies not making it full term and then losing Chandler at the young age of 16, I wouldn't trade it all for anything.  I always wanted to be a mom and you made that happen for me.  You've given them all to me for a period of time and only you know how much time that is.  As heartbreaking as it is, I have to accept it.  The 16 years we had with Chandler was the best 16 years ever!

Chandler, Caleb, Corben & Carlie,
I am so proud to be your mama.  I love you!!