Happy Birthday, Chandler

My Dear Chandler,

Today, we celebrated your 19th birthday.  This morning when I woke up, I just stayed in bed for a while thinking about the day you were born.  I can remember it as if it just happened.  I imagined being there in that hospital and having them lay you on my chest after you were born.  You were a beautiful baby boy, with a head full of crazy hair. 

Our plan today was to celebrate you!  It's so hard to do that without you here.  We miss you so much.  But, November 9 is not a sad day!  It's your birthday!  It's the day you were born and we finally were able to hold you and love on you.  The sadness just comes because we have to do this without you now. 

We planned a good meal today and ate together as a family.  Caleb's girlfriend, Sarah, joined us.  For dessert, I made one of your favorites.  I made brownies and sprinkled them with powdered sugar.  You named them "flower bunnies".  We never understood why in the world you named them that, but we laugh about it every time we have them.  It just shows your sense of humor. 

We've watched lots of videos today.  Some of them were old videos from when you were just a little toddler.  Some of them are the videos/movies that you made as you got older.  We are so very thankful for all of those movies you made.  We cherish them!  I wish there were so many more.  We just sat here a little while ago watching the video you made of when you were outside digging a ditch in the back yard.  It's about a 15 minute video of you digging.  We watched the whole thing.  Who would have ever thought that watching you dig a ditch would be so enjoyable?  We love seeing your face, hearing your voice and your laughter.  There is a part in that video that always makes us laugh.  You are working so hard at digging and Caleb isn't there to help you.  You keep yelling at him to come help but he never comes.  At the end of the video, you yell at him again and say, "Caleb, you're not doing Jack Nicholson"!  You would say that a lot and we laugh at that every time we hear it.  The crazy thing is that most people wouldn't think to set the video camera up and tape themselves digging a ditch.  But, you did that!  And, it means so much to us to have it.  Thank you for your great sense of humor and for your love of making movies.

Later this afternoon, Nathan came over to visit a little while for your birthday.  I'm glad he came.  We don't see him as much as we used to when he lived across the street.  So, it meant a lot that he would come by today, for your day.  While he was here, we all sat and listened to Sarah sing for us.  She and Caleb played the guitar and she sang, "Happy Birthday" to you for us.  It was beautiful! 

Your dad and I were talking this morning about the grieving process.  It's very hard!  I think you just learn it as you go through it.  Some people may think that at almost 3 years into this, we should be fine.  Our grief should be over.  That is not true at all!  You can't get over the loss of a child.  We've just learned how to live with the loss.  We take it a day at a time.  Each day can be so different emotionally.  You don't know what kind of day it will be until you wake up each morning.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days, I just want to lay around and cry all day because I miss you so much.  I think at nearly 3 years with you being gone, it hurts more in some ways.  I've realized that it's been almost 1,095 days since we've touched you, heard you walking through the house, heard your laughter, etc.  That's why the movies we have mean so much to us.  We long to hear your voice.  And, when we hear it on those movies, it is so sweet!  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you.  Your name is mentioned all the time.  You are still very much a part of our family, even though you aren't present with us.  

I love you so much, Chanman!  I'm so blessed to be your Mama.  You are never far from my thoughts!  Happy Birthday to you! 

I love you,

Forever your mama