5 Years

On today's date 5 years ago, Chandler went to Heaven.  I have a hard time comprehending that it has been 5 years.  Sometimes, it does feel like that many years.  Then, at other times, it feels like it just happened.  The past 5 years have been difficult and very emotional.  I've gotten through it one day at a time.  Some days are okay and some days are hard.  As usual, I have seen God work in our lives this week.  He always shows up at the right time.  Yesterday (the anniversary of the day of the accident), we started our day by taking the kids to school.  Afterward, Chad and I had breakfast together.  He had plans after that, so he left and I was home alone.  I kept myself busy.  We were expecting friends over last night so that meant I had work to do.  That was good because as I kept myself busy, I could keep myself distracted.  I was doing well.  I had music going and was baking some cookies.  I felt good.  Then, all of a sudden, I lost it.  I stood right in the kitchen and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I laid my head down on the kitchen counter and wept, loudly.  It lasted a while.  I cried as I talked to God.  Over and over, I just said "I hate this!".  5 years later, I do still hate this.  I don't like the journey we're on but there is nothing I can do about it.  I realize that Chandler is in the best of hands.  He is so much better off than we are, especially these days.  But, as a  mama, it's hard to get your mind and heart to understand that.  After my time of crying, I was okay.  I got through the rest of day.


At some point in the afternoon, someone rang our door bell.  Chad answered and it was a flower delivery.  We opened the card.  The school that Corben and Carlie go to sent us flowers and a dragonfly night light.  Needless to say, this brought tears to my eyes.  These people don't know us that well.  They don't know Chandler because we moved here after the fact.  But, they decided to pray for us and love on us anyway. 

Our friends came over last night.  We enjoyed a meal together and just hanging out together and talking.  One of the couples brought us a canvas picture.  It says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  Hebrews 6:19".  This is so true.  The hope that we have is what gets us through the days.  Without it, I definitely couldn't do this.  I love the gift and I'm so thankful for this couples friendship.  They are a blessing and we love their family. 

The other couple that came over are also very dear.  I was also given a gift by this friend this week.  I don't believe it was specifically bought for me this week but it worked out that this week is when I was able to get it.  It was perfect timing.  God's timing.  It's a beautiful blanket.  It's the softest blanket I've ever felt and I love it.  She wrote me a very sweet note with it and explained why she bought the blanket.  It was bought with love.  It's a soft, comforting blanket and I love it.  Now, if I can just keep my family from trying to take it over. 

God has gotten us through this week.  He has been my comforter.  He has also used many friends and family to help us get through this week.  The prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement mean so much to us.  It amazes me that I still have so much support.  I am truly blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. 

So, what have I learned over the past 5 years?  I've learned quite a few things:

*Grief sucks!  I'm sorry if some don't like to hear me say that, but it's true.  Grief is painful.  It's emotional.  It's tiring.  It is not fun.

*Grief can hit you when you least expect it.  You can be doing good for a while.  Then, all of a sudden, you can just lose it when you're driving down the road, baking cookies, taking a shower, watching TV, etc.  It can come out of nowhere.

*When that grief hits, you have to just let it run it's course.  You have to cry, talk to God, fuss, vent, do whatever is necessary to get through those moments.

*I've learned that you need your friends and family.  Just knowing that they have your back and are praying for you and supporting you is a huge help to get through the days.

*After losing a child, you are a changed person.  It changes you in a lot of ways.  When you lose a child, a part of you dies with them.

*You will cherish everything you have that belongs to your child.  Do I worship Chandler's stuff?  NO!  But, I am thankful to have his drawings, movies, pictures, etc to look at.  I'm even thankful for the clothes of his that we have kept.  We kept some of his clothes that were his favorites and that he wore most of the time.  We kept the clothes that we can look at and they totally remind us of  Chandler.  Plus, Corben gets to use them as he grows into them.

*As I watch Chandler's friends grow up and see pictures of them, a part of me expects to see him in those pictures with them.  I wonder what would he be doing at 21?  Where would he have gone to school?  Would he have a girlfriend?  Where would he work?  There are so many things I wonder about and I always will.

*I want to protect my kids.  I don't want them to hurt in any way, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Because of what they've experienced, I just don't want them to go through anything else.  I know I can't prevent all of those things but it's how I feel. 

*My faith is the only reason I have made it to this 5 year mark.  The faith and hope I have is what gets my through each day.  God never ceases to amaze me.  He has been my comforter.  He always shows up right on time. 

So, that's a few things I have learned through this process.  I'm sure there are many more but maybe I will write about those at a different time.