This morning everyone had somewhere to be except for me. So, I've had several hours alone in a quiet house. At first, I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not. I've been alone a time or two over the last few months but never for this length of time at home. So, I've had lots of time to think. I've basically been rehashing this past week in my head. It started on Monday with the 4 month anniversary of life without Chandler. Then on Tuesday, I went on a field trip with the kids. When we were driving, Corben requested a Newsboys CD. He requested the one titled In the Hands of God, which is also the one that has 2 songs on it that were played at Chandler's funeral. So, when those songs are played, I'm usually in tears. Tuesday was no different. I was driving to our destination, listening to those songs and crying. During that time, Carlie leans up and whispers in my ear "sometimes I have dreams about Chandler". I told her that I wanted to hear about them sometime. I told her that I want to dream about Chandler but that I haven't been able to yet. I'm so glad that she can!
On Tuesday night, I sat in my room and watched a movie. When it was over, I went to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. As soon as I shut the bathroom door, I lost it. It hit me so hard! I just stood there bawling my eyes out. The pain was so real. It was almost like I had just received the news that Chandler died. I was hurting. The ache in my heart was so intense. I just leaned over and layed my head on my arms at the counter and wept. I really didn't know if I was going to be able to stop crying and go to bed. The tears just kept coming. I thought about how long it's been since Chandler was here with us at home. I thought about how much longer I have to go on enduring this. It's scary to think about. I despise this! I want my family back the way it was.
Yesterday, I had to go grocery shopping. But, while I was out, I decided to do some other shopping as well. I was in J C Penney getting ready to pay for some rings I had found. I was at the counter and looked ahead in the store and realized what I was looking at was the place I was the day I got the call that Chandler had been in an accident. I'll never forget that day! I had no idea when I answered the phone that day what I was about to hear. I certainly had no idea of what we were about to experience.
After I left the mall, I went to get groceries. I was going down one of the aisles and approached the end of it and tears began to fall. I realized I was on an aisle that reminded me of Chandler. There were things on the aisle that Chandler always requested me to buy. But, yesterday, I wasn't buying those items. Chandler wasn't here to request those items. Several times over the course of my grocery shopping, I would just stop in my tracks and cry. It wasn't always something I saw that would trigger the tears. It's just the thoughts that would come to mind - "I'm buying groceries and my son is gone." It seems so wrong! I would look at people and think to myself "have they lost a child?" "Do they have any idea that I'm grieving the loss of my child?" I would walk down the aisles with tears flooding my eyes. I'm sure if anyone noticed they had to wonder what was wrong with me.
Yesterday, Chad did some yard work since the weather was so nice. Caleb was outside helping him. But, what I saw as I looked out and saw them was that Chandler wasn't with them. Whenever Chad did yard work, the kids always helped him. So, as I look outside on the beautiful, warm, spring day and see Chad and Caleb working, my heart is hurting. I want Chandler to be experiencing the spring weather. I want to see him outside moving mulch around the flower beds. I want to see him outside with Chad and Caleb as they burn a pile of debris.
Tonight, Chad, Caleb and I are going to see comedian Brian Regan. I have mixed feelings about it. The reason is because he is one of Chandler's favorite comedians. Chandler used to sit and watch this guy and laugh so hard. So, it breaks my heart that I'm going to see this guy and we aren't able to take Chandler with us. I know I'll laugh but I also know that I'll be laughing with tears in my eyes. Just thinking about it now makes me cry. I know Chandler is in the best place ever. I'm sure he has a smile on his face at all times but I want to be experiencing things with him here. I want to see his smile. I want to hear him laughing tonight at Brian Regan's comedy show.
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