After I woke up, I fixed my coffee and sat at my seat on the couch and read my devotion for today. I really wanted and needed to hear a word from the Lord this morning. But, it didn't come through my devotion today. I'm not sure why. The Lord has been showing me a little bit of something each day for the past week and today He didn't. Of all days, Lord, I need you today and tomorrow. Where are You?
So, I continued searching through other stuff trying to find a Word. Then, Carlie woke up. She came into the room and sat on the couch. The first thing she said was "I wish Chandler was here". I started crying. She got up, went in to the kitchen to get her milk. On her way back, I had her sit beside me. I put my arm around her and held her close. I said "I wish Chandler was here too". I just cried with her for a minute and we talked about how much we miss him. This is the first time Carlie has said anything like that. So, I believe, she is realizing that Chandler has been gone a while. She misses her big brother.
After my cry with Carlie, I continued reading and searching for the Lord to tell me something. I was led to a blog by another grieving mom. This is a lady who called me early on after Chandler died. (I can't tell you how much it hurts for me to write the word "died". That's why so many times I just say Chandler's "accident".) Anyway, I started reading some of her past blogs and in one she writes about Romans 8. So, I started reading. The whole chapter is great but there were several things that just stuck out to me this morning.
In Romans 8:9-11 it says:
9 However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. 10 If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.
I am comforted because I know that the Spirit of God dwells in Chandler. Because of that, I know that even though his body is dead, his spirit is alive. His spirit is with the Lord right now. And, one day, the Lord will come back and resurrect his body. And, when that happens, the Lord will also get me and we'll all be together with the Lord for eternity. That is the hope that I cling to. It's what gets me through each day.
These verses reminded again of the song that was played at Chandler's funeral.
No grave
Gonna hold my spirit down
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
Lord knows they’ll never keep me in the ground
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
Romans 8:18
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Right now, we are suffering. It's an awful pain that I can't even describe. My heart aches to have my son back. Our family is broken and we have to learn to live without one of us here. But, this verse says that my suffering is "not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us". Now, I know the suffering I'm experiencing and it's horrible. For my suffering to be this painful and for God to say it doesn't compare to the glory that will be revealed to us - then the glory that we'll see one day must be amazing! I thank the Lord that this pain is temporary and the glory He reveals to us will be for eternity.
So, God did speak this morning. He reminded me that Chandler's spirit is with Him. As much as it hurts to not have him here, I can know that Chandler is safe "In the hands of God". He also reminded me that the pain and suffering that I am experiencing is temporary. One day, it will all be over and I will see God's glory.
We went to Chandler's grave this afternoon. It is so hard to be there. Prior to even driving into the cemetery, I started crying. We got out of the car and walked over to the grave. The McKinney family (some very special friends of ours) had a white cross to put at the grave. Each one of them wrote something on the cross. They gave it to us to write on it as well. Chad, the kids and I all wrote a note to Chandler on it. In addition to placing the cross, I had purchased 5 little Christmas decorations (1 from each of us) to add to the flower arrangement already there. Chad thought the decorations wouldn't show up if we just put them in the flowers that were already there. So we just placed the little decorations in the ground around the vase. We all just stood there for a while in the quiet. Chad and Caleb went back to the car first. I stayed a little while longer with Corben and Carlie. It really bothered me that I was decorating my son's grave this year for Christmas rather than buying him presents. Before leaving, I just said to Chandler "I love you. Merry Christmas".
We left the cemetery and went to our Christmas Eve service at church. It was an emotional time for me. I cried a lot during the service. I couldn't sing the songs. I just had to listen. When the service was over, I started walking out. Someone stopped me and hugged me and told me they were praying for us. I just started crying and at that point, the tears just wouldn't stop. I just stood out in the lobby area against the wall waiting on the rest of the family so that we could leave. People could see me and I'm sure they could see the sadness and the tears falling. Several people came over to hug me, love on me and make sure that I knew they were praying. Everyone was so sweet and I'm so very thankful for all of the prayers. Without those prayers, I won't make it through these days.
Oh, I found out today that Chad thought of a gift he wanted to get me so that I would have a gift to open from him tomorrow. He went today to get it. I have no idea what it could be. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
My sweet friend. You were so heavy on my heart and mind Christmas Eve. I knew you would have a hard day. I just didn't know HOW hard. It breaks my heart to know you guys are going through this day after day. The cross and ornaments at his grave site are wonderful. I know he would be proud that this was done for him.
ReplyDeleteI love you my friend and will always be here for you.