Nov. 20, 2010. Well, the time has come that everyone has to go home. Frank and Crissy, the Harris family and my family all have to leave today. I knew this time had to come but I really wasn't looking forward to it. I dread the quiet of the house when everyone is gone. We had to say goodbye to all of the people that we love so much. Goodbyes are usually hard but at a time like this, it is so much harder.
After everyone left, it was just Chad, me and the kids here. The house is quiet. This is reality. Friends and family are gone and all we're left with is our family. The hard part about that is that our family is broken now. Normally, being here at home with my family is fine. I love it. We're happy together. We love each other. We are one happy family of 6. Well, that has changed. We're not 6 anymore. So, it all feels so wrong. I've questioned God about this too. Of course, He hasn't answered and I might not get an answer this side of heaven. But, I've asked him, "why did You to this to us?" If anyone knows, God knows how close our family is. He knows that we do everything together. He knows how much we love each other. He knows how proud we are of our family. We were always so glad that we had what we considered a large family, in our eyes. We didn't have just 1 or 2 kids. We had 4 in addition to my stepdaughter. We were proud to go to a restaurant and have to wait on a larger table for our family to sit. So, why would God mess our family up. Why would He do this to such a loving family. Why did He take away our "large" family? Why are we experiencing such pain? Am I being punished? These are all questions that I've asked and I continue to do so. I would love to have some answers but I know I probably never will. I also know that this is all part of grieving.
So, the house is quiet. I'm not even sure what to do. I sit on the couch and cover up with a blanket. It's not just any blanket. It's a "quilt of hope". The quilt was made by a group of women at our church. The quilt was born out of a Bible study on "Times of Brokenness in our Lives" led by Kim Young at a Saturday morning special in March 2005. Each woman crafted a quilt square featuring a specific word, message, or scripture given to that woman by God during a time of personal brokenness. The squares reflect love, hope, grace and mercy. They share this quilt with people in the church who are going through a time of brokenness in their lives. Many people have had it through numerous types of losses. A journal goes along with the quilt of hope. Each recipient of the quilt writes in the journal before the quilt and journal are passed on to the next person.
Well, I sat on the couch and covered myself with that large quilt. It's warm and cozy and very comforting. At first, I thought, how can I get comfort from a quilt? Well, let me tell you, it works. I was sitting here in the quiet of my house, yet I didn't feel totally alone. I had this blanket covering me that others have used during their time of brokenness. I could read the verses and words written on the quilt and it gave me hope. It gave me hope that we will get through this time. And as hard as it is for me to fathom right now, we will learn how to live again. We also have hope in the fact that one day we Christians will be together forever in the presence of the Lord. So, I'm getting through the quiet times with my quilt of hope. As I sit here now writing this blog, I'm wrapped up in it. It has been a huge blessing for me.
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