Planning for Christmas

It has been hard to prepare for Christmas this year.  A part of me just doesn't care anything about it.  I don't need a tree or decorations or gifts at all.  I really wasn't planning on putting up a Christmas tree at all after Chandler's accident.  I just thought it would be okay if we didn't put one up this year.  And it would have been.  My children would understand this year if we didn't have a tree.  The thought of pulling out all of our Christmas stuff and getting the tree together, going through ornaments that were special to us, didn't appeal to me.  Plus, Chandler usually helped me to put the lights on the tree.  How was I going to do that without him this year?

One day, my Daddy went out to Walmart and came home with a prelit tree that is put up in 3 easy steps.  He called it his "Chandler tree".   He didn't put an ornament on it.  He just sat that tree in his house, turned the lights on and thought of Chandler.  It wasn't hard to do.  It was just a humble, simple tree.  So, my parents encouraged me to do the same.  It wouldn't be lot of work and the kids would have a tree to look at and puts gifts under.  So, I went out one day in search of a tree.  Of course, while I was in the Christmas section at the store, I started crying.  I picked out the tree, put it in my buggy (Yes, I call it a buggy and I have friends who laugh at me.  They call it a cart.  You know who you are girls!)  Anyway, I headed to the cashier with tears in my eyes.

I got home and later that evening, Caleb put it together for me.  I ended up putting a few things on the tree.  I put a white dove on it that came from one of the flower arrangements at Chandler's funeral.  I put an ornament on it that someone gave us that has a saying on it about being in heaven for Christmas.  I also put Chandler's favorite hat as the tree topper.  That's all we have on it and it looks fine.  It's our "Chandler" tree this year.  Yes, I have other children and I'm not trying to be cold to them by not putting anything else on the tree.  But, this year, it's our first Christmas without Chandler.  On Christmas morning when we're all in here and the kids are opening gifts, I want to feel like Chandler is here too.  And, when I look at that tree and see his hat on top of that tree, I feel him.  So, this year, my tree is all about Chandler.  I did add one more ornament to the tree yesterday.  My dear friend, Michelle, had a Christmas ornament made for me.  It has a recent family picture on it of all of us (all 6 of us).  I added it to Chandler's tree last night. 

With all of your prayers, I have been able to get all of my Christmas shopping done.  I honestly can't believe I was able to do it.  But, those prayers and the help of friends shopping with me enabled me to get my shopping done.

Chad was talking to me the other night and said he didn't have me a gift yet.  He wanted to know what he could get me.  He's not one to just go out without any of my input and buy something.  He knows, there is no way he could pick out anything for me to wear and have me actually wear it.  I'm just very picky and I prefer to pick out my own stuff, whether it's clothing, cologne, jewelry, etc.  Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't turn down any jewelry if he were to go pick it out.  He has done it before and he did a great job.  He just knows that the safest thing to do is to get exactly what I want or just give me money.  Of course, when he brought this up the other night, I told him with honesty - "I don't need anything to open.  I really don't care about having anything to open.  What I want for Christmas, I can't have."  And, of course, I started crying.  So, we talked and decided that I would get something after Christmas.  I told Chad I wanted a piece of jewelry with Chandler's name on it that represented him.  I didn't know what type of jewelry that would be until yesterday.  My friend Michelle has some wonderful children.  She has a boy and a girl and they are both red heads so my Carlie fits right in when we're together.  Michelle's precious daughter Reagan couldn't stand waiting until Christmas to give her Mommy her Christmas present.  So, she gave it to her the other day and Michelle had it on yesterday when we were together.  It was a beautiful silver bracelet with her daughter's birthstone on it.  You may have heard of them.  It's a Pandora bracelet.  I looked at it and immediately knew that that was what I wanted.  Michelle said they have charms with letters on them so I can have Chandler's name spelled out.  So, that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to have his name on it with his birthstone and any other charms I can find that represent Chandler and who he was, what he liked, etc.  I can't wait to have my "Chandler"  bracelet. 

I've also managed to get Christmas gifts wrapped.  Wrapping has actually been pretty good for me.  I was able to focus on what I was doing and relax my mind from all of the other thoughts that consume it all day and all night.  So, according to all of the "stuff", we seem to be ready for Christmas.  Of course, my heart and mind aren't ready for Christmas at all.  But, we will get through it.