This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. I could tell when I woke up that it was going to be a tough day. We started out the day by doing some cleaning up. We have some friends coming over for dinner tonight. Everyone chips in to help. Chad took down the Christmas lights that were outside and also took down the Christmas tree inside. We only had a few ornaments on the tree this year since it was our "Chandler" tree. I was busy at the time and didn't even realize that Chad had taken the tree down. But, when I walked by the kitchen table, I saw the ornaments sitting there as well as Chandler's hat that was our tree topper. It hit me hard and I started to cry. I wasn't even going to put up a tree this year but I was encouraged to do so. I'm glad I did. Now, as I look at the ornaments and hat on the table, I realize I'm going to miss the tree. It was hard to look at the tree sometimes but it was also comforting to me. When I looked at that tree and saw Chandler's hat on top, I just felt like he was close. I picked the hat up off of the table and just held it close, smelling it and hoping for a scent from Chandler.
I continued to get the housework done, often with tears in my eyes. I couldn't stop thinking that we're approaching a new year and it's a new year without Chandler. Normally, approaching a new year is exciting. You're excited about what lies ahead, hoping the year will be better, happier, filled with blessings, etc. But, my new year will start with pain. I'm still grieving. My heart aches for my son. I am broken. My family is broken. So, the thought of the new year coming just brings tears for me right now.
Later in the afternoon, we had some families come over and join us for dinner. We had an enjoyable time together. I enjoy being with friends because it distracts me a little bit. It doesn't take the pain away, but it helps my mind think about other things for a little while. Normally, my mind is consumed with thoughts of Chandler and what my family is going through.
So, here I sit, just an hour away from the year 2011. Chad is in bed, the little ones are in bed and Caleb is at a friend's house. I'll ring in the new year alone, watching the ball drop in Times Square, and missing Chandler.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
My Special Bracelet
I got up this morning thinking I would stay home. But, that didn't happen. I decided I wanted to go out and do some shopping. Chad had a meeting at lunch and said he could take the little ones with him. He was going to drop Caleb off at a friends house.
They all left and I was going to get ready and go do my stuff. As soon as they pulled out of the driveway, I just started crying. I ended up in the floor at the side of my bed and just broke down for a while. I just cried and talked to God for a while, asking the same questions I've been asking. Of course, I don't get any answers either. I realize that I probably won't get answers this side of Heaven but the questions are on my heart and mind so it's what God hears from me right now. It's just all part of grieving. I'm assuming that I'll get past the questions at some point. But, that time isn't here yet.
After a little while, I got myself up and tried to finish getting myself ready. It was hard because the tears just kept coming.
As I was driving down the road, I approached a car in the other lane. Their license plate said something like "life is good". Except it was spelled in a way to fit on the plate. As soon as I read it, I started crying. Then, I thought to myself "they've obviously never lost a child".
I got to the jewelry store which was the main reason I wanted to go shopping today. I went in and immediately saw someone that I knew. She didn't see me right away because she was on the other side of the store and she was talking. When I made my way to where she was, she turned and saw me. She hugged me and talked to me and I cried some. I told her I was there to work on making me a "Chandler" bracelet.
I started talking to the guy that worked at the store and I picked out the bracelet and then started thinking about what charms I wanted to add to it. After a while, the lady I knew walked back over to me to say goodbye before she left. She handed me a box. She had bought a charm for me to add to my bracelet. I hugged her and cried but I cried even harder this time. This is one of the sweetest ladies I know and I will always remember her generosity and thoughtfulness. I'm sure the guy that was helping me was wondering what my problem was. I'm sure most girls that come into a jewelry store have a smile from ear to ear and here I am crying.
I still have a lot to do on my bracelet but I love it already. They are ordering more charms for me because they didn't have everything I needed. I will cherish this bracelet forever. Of course, when I was driving again today, I was looking at the bracelet on my wrist and the tears started. I just kept saying "I don't want this bracelet. I don't want to be putting together a "Chandler" bracelet. I want Chandler back instead."
At home this evening, Chad was getting warm clothes together to go snow boarding with Caleb tomorrow. He came to the room where I was and had something in his hands. It was a pair of camouflage coveralls that Chandler used to wear all the time. He wore them for years, up until last winter. When I look at those coveralls, I see Chandler. It was so sad to see them. In my mind, I could see Chandler so clearly wearing those coveralls. It made me miss him even more.
So, today has been an emotional day. I was able to get some things done but I would often cry. I'm looking forward to spending the day with friends tomorrow and laughing some.
They all left and I was going to get ready and go do my stuff. As soon as they pulled out of the driveway, I just started crying. I ended up in the floor at the side of my bed and just broke down for a while. I just cried and talked to God for a while, asking the same questions I've been asking. Of course, I don't get any answers either. I realize that I probably won't get answers this side of Heaven but the questions are on my heart and mind so it's what God hears from me right now. It's just all part of grieving. I'm assuming that I'll get past the questions at some point. But, that time isn't here yet.
After a little while, I got myself up and tried to finish getting myself ready. It was hard because the tears just kept coming.
As I was driving down the road, I approached a car in the other lane. Their license plate said something like "life is good". Except it was spelled in a way to fit on the plate. As soon as I read it, I started crying. Then, I thought to myself "they've obviously never lost a child".
I got to the jewelry store which was the main reason I wanted to go shopping today. I went in and immediately saw someone that I knew. She didn't see me right away because she was on the other side of the store and she was talking. When I made my way to where she was, she turned and saw me. She hugged me and talked to me and I cried some. I told her I was there to work on making me a "Chandler" bracelet.
I started talking to the guy that worked at the store and I picked out the bracelet and then started thinking about what charms I wanted to add to it. After a while, the lady I knew walked back over to me to say goodbye before she left. She handed me a box. She had bought a charm for me to add to my bracelet. I hugged her and cried but I cried even harder this time. This is one of the sweetest ladies I know and I will always remember her generosity and thoughtfulness. I'm sure the guy that was helping me was wondering what my problem was. I'm sure most girls that come into a jewelry store have a smile from ear to ear and here I am crying.
I still have a lot to do on my bracelet but I love it already. They are ordering more charms for me because they didn't have everything I needed. I will cherish this bracelet forever. Of course, when I was driving again today, I was looking at the bracelet on my wrist and the tears started. I just kept saying "I don't want this bracelet. I don't want to be putting together a "Chandler" bracelet. I want Chandler back instead."
At home this evening, Chad was getting warm clothes together to go snow boarding with Caleb tomorrow. He came to the room where I was and had something in his hands. It was a pair of camouflage coveralls that Chandler used to wear all the time. He wore them for years, up until last winter. When I look at those coveralls, I see Chandler. It was so sad to see them. In my mind, I could see Chandler so clearly wearing those coveralls. It made me miss him even more.
So, today has been an emotional day. I was able to get some things done but I would often cry. I'm looking forward to spending the day with friends tomorrow and laughing some.
Monday, December 27, 2010
In the irons
Dec. 27, 2010. This was my devotion for today.
His neck was put in irons. (Psalm 105:18)
The irons of sorrow, and loss, the burdens carried as a youth, and the soul's struggle against sin all contribute to developing an iron tenacity and strength of purpose, as well as endurance and fortitude. And these traits make up the indispensable foundation and framework of noble character.
Never run from suffering, but bear it silently, patiently, and submissively, with the assurance that it is God's way of instilling iron into your spiritual life. The world is looking for iron leaders, iron armies, iron tendons, and muscles of steel. But God is looking for iron saints, and since there in no way to impart iron into His people's moral nature except by letting them suffer, He allows them to suffer.
Are the best year's of your life slipping away while you suffer enforced monotony? Are you afflicted with the opposition, misunderstandings, and the scorn of others? Do your afflictions seem as thick as the undergrowth confronting someone hiking through a jungle? Then take heart! Your time is not wasted, for God is simply putting you through His iron regimen. Your iron crown of suffering precedes your golden crown of glory, and iron is entering your soul to make it strong and brave. F.B.Meyer
But you will not mind the roughness, nor the steepness
of the way,
Nor the cold, unrested morning, nor the heat of the noonday;
And you will not take a turning to the left or the right,
But go straight ahead, nor tremble at the coming of the night,
For the road leads home.
I have been put in the irons and I'm still there. It's hard being here. It's uncomfortable, painful, tiring, emotional, etc. But, I'm going to suffer through it. With tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart, I am going to continue to walk ahead. I'm not going to take any detour. Because the road this suffering carries me on leads me home. That is where the Lord is and He has Chandler there with Him as well as my other 2 babies that never made it to birth. So, I'm going to keep heading home.
His neck was put in irons. (Psalm 105:18)
The irons of sorrow, and loss, the burdens carried as a youth, and the soul's struggle against sin all contribute to developing an iron tenacity and strength of purpose, as well as endurance and fortitude. And these traits make up the indispensable foundation and framework of noble character.
Never run from suffering, but bear it silently, patiently, and submissively, with the assurance that it is God's way of instilling iron into your spiritual life. The world is looking for iron leaders, iron armies, iron tendons, and muscles of steel. But God is looking for iron saints, and since there in no way to impart iron into His people's moral nature except by letting them suffer, He allows them to suffer.
Are the best year's of your life slipping away while you suffer enforced monotony? Are you afflicted with the opposition, misunderstandings, and the scorn of others? Do your afflictions seem as thick as the undergrowth confronting someone hiking through a jungle? Then take heart! Your time is not wasted, for God is simply putting you through His iron regimen. Your iron crown of suffering precedes your golden crown of glory, and iron is entering your soul to make it strong and brave. F.B.Meyer
But you will not mind the roughness, nor the steepness
of the way,
Nor the cold, unrested morning, nor the heat of the noonday;
And you will not take a turning to the left or the right,
But go straight ahead, nor tremble at the coming of the night,
For the road leads home.
I have been put in the irons and I'm still there. It's hard being here. It's uncomfortable, painful, tiring, emotional, etc. But, I'm going to suffer through it. With tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart, I am going to continue to walk ahead. I'm not going to take any detour. Because the road this suffering carries me on leads me home. That is where the Lord is and He has Chandler there with Him as well as my other 2 babies that never made it to birth. So, I'm going to keep heading home.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas Day
Dec. 25, 2010.
Luke 2:11 For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.
I was awake when Christmas day began. I stayed up late last night thinking and crying and not really wanting to go to bed. I just knew that Christmas Eve had been so hard on me so I really dreaded to see Christmas day come. I guess I thought that by going to bed, morning would get here sooner and I would have to face the day. Soon after midnight I knew that I just had to go to bed and try and get some rest. I fell to sleep pretty quickly but I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and just couldn't go to back to sleep. I started thinking too much. Anytime I wake up, the first thought I have is of Chandler. So, that starts the mind to working. It makes it so hard to get back to sleep. I probably laid there over an hour before finally falling back to sleep. The next thing I know, it was morning and time to get up.
Chad woke up and looked out the window. We woke up to a white Christmas. It snowed last night. I wasn't expecting that. I'm not a huge fan of snow but I have to say that snow on Christmas day is quite pleasant. It's really beautiful. Chad and I got coffee ready and Chad started cooking some bacon. I did a few more things to make sure everything was ready for when the kids got up. I started waking the kids up at about 7:45. My kids don't wake up too early - thank goodness! I covered Corben's eyes and walked him into Carlie's room so that he wouldn't see anything before they could all walk in the room together. They got their pajamas on and I brushed through Carlie's hair. We waited on Caleb to take a shower. Then, Chad and Caleb joined us in Carlie's bedroom. Chad shared a small devotion and prayed. At that point, I cried. I looked around the room at everybody and Chandler wasn't there.
We went into the family room and the kids saw their Christmas gifts. Their eyes lit up and huge smiles were across their faces. They started checking out new toys and opening their presents. They had such a great time. They have played all day with their new stuff. Carlie got a Barbie RV and she has had the best time with it. She got a pair of boots that she loves. She put them on this morning with her pajamas and wore her boots and her pajamas all day long. Corben has been shooting his huge Nerf gun all day. He put a Lego car together. They painted a cup, plate and bowl for each of them. We're waiting on them to dry and then you put them in the oven for a while. Then they will have their own decorated dishes. Caleb got lots of golf stuff to go along with this golf clubs that he got for his birthday. He's ready to go golfing now. He also got a snow board with the boots. He went snow boarding for the first time this week and loved it so he's ready to go as often as he can.
There were often times during the day that my mind would drift to Chandler. I'm so heartbroken that he's not here with us. But, I do know that he's in good hands. He's celebrating the birth of Jesus with Him. That has to be the best Christmas ever.
We had a lunch today of turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy and rolls. Very carb friendly today. Comfort foods! We all sat together at the table to eat. We don't do that a lot right now. It's so hard to sit there and look around the table and not think of Chandler. As soon as we sat down, I looked at everybody and wanted to just cry. Our family is like a puzzle with a missing piece.
I had a headache today and I was so tired. I think my very emotional day yesterday and my late night took its toll on me. So, I took some medicine, laid on the couch, wrapped up in my quilt of hope, closed my eyes and took a little rest. I felt a lot better when I woke up.
We made it through our first Christmas without Chandler. I believe because yesterday was so hard for me that it actually made today a little more bearable. I also know that so many people have been thinking about us and praying for us today and that has helped us to get through this day. Thank you all so much! We love you!
I almost forgot to talk about my Christmas gift from Chad. I opened a big box and inside it were a pair of Chad's shoes. How funny! Inside the shoes was cash! Yes, a very generous amount of cash! He knows what I like. Thank you Chad. You're too good to me. I love you! Now, it's time for some shopping.
Luke 2:11 For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.
I was awake when Christmas day began. I stayed up late last night thinking and crying and not really wanting to go to bed. I just knew that Christmas Eve had been so hard on me so I really dreaded to see Christmas day come. I guess I thought that by going to bed, morning would get here sooner and I would have to face the day. Soon after midnight I knew that I just had to go to bed and try and get some rest. I fell to sleep pretty quickly but I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and just couldn't go to back to sleep. I started thinking too much. Anytime I wake up, the first thought I have is of Chandler. So, that starts the mind to working. It makes it so hard to get back to sleep. I probably laid there over an hour before finally falling back to sleep. The next thing I know, it was morning and time to get up.
Chad woke up and looked out the window. We woke up to a white Christmas. It snowed last night. I wasn't expecting that. I'm not a huge fan of snow but I have to say that snow on Christmas day is quite pleasant. It's really beautiful. Chad and I got coffee ready and Chad started cooking some bacon. I did a few more things to make sure everything was ready for when the kids got up. I started waking the kids up at about 7:45. My kids don't wake up too early - thank goodness! I covered Corben's eyes and walked him into Carlie's room so that he wouldn't see anything before they could all walk in the room together. They got their pajamas on and I brushed through Carlie's hair. We waited on Caleb to take a shower. Then, Chad and Caleb joined us in Carlie's bedroom. Chad shared a small devotion and prayed. At that point, I cried. I looked around the room at everybody and Chandler wasn't there.
We went into the family room and the kids saw their Christmas gifts. Their eyes lit up and huge smiles were across their faces. They started checking out new toys and opening their presents. They had such a great time. They have played all day with their new stuff. Carlie got a Barbie RV and she has had the best time with it. She got a pair of boots that she loves. She put them on this morning with her pajamas and wore her boots and her pajamas all day long. Corben has been shooting his huge Nerf gun all day. He put a Lego car together. They painted a cup, plate and bowl for each of them. We're waiting on them to dry and then you put them in the oven for a while. Then they will have their own decorated dishes. Caleb got lots of golf stuff to go along with this golf clubs that he got for his birthday. He's ready to go golfing now. He also got a snow board with the boots. He went snow boarding for the first time this week and loved it so he's ready to go as often as he can.
There were often times during the day that my mind would drift to Chandler. I'm so heartbroken that he's not here with us. But, I do know that he's in good hands. He's celebrating the birth of Jesus with Him. That has to be the best Christmas ever.
We had a lunch today of turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy and rolls. Very carb friendly today. Comfort foods! We all sat together at the table to eat. We don't do that a lot right now. It's so hard to sit there and look around the table and not think of Chandler. As soon as we sat down, I looked at everybody and wanted to just cry. Our family is like a puzzle with a missing piece.
I had a headache today and I was so tired. I think my very emotional day yesterday and my late night took its toll on me. So, I took some medicine, laid on the couch, wrapped up in my quilt of hope, closed my eyes and took a little rest. I felt a lot better when I woke up.
We made it through our first Christmas without Chandler. I believe because yesterday was so hard for me that it actually made today a little more bearable. I also know that so many people have been thinking about us and praying for us today and that has helped us to get through this day. Thank you all so much! We love you!
I almost forgot to talk about my Christmas gift from Chad. I opened a big box and inside it were a pair of Chad's shoes. How funny! Inside the shoes was cash! Yes, a very generous amount of cash! He knows what I like. Thank you Chad. You're too good to me. I love you! Now, it's time for some shopping.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Eve
Dec. 24, 2010. I woke up this morning and just laid in bed for a while thinking about Chandler. I knew we had made it to Christmas Eve so I tried to wrap my head around the idea that we will be celebrating our first Christmas without Chandler. I can't imagine that. I can't imagine having the kids open their Christmas Eve gift tonight and not be able to hand one to Chandler and see him open it. Are we going to be able to get through this with smiles on our faces? I don't know.
After I woke up, I fixed my coffee and sat at my seat on the couch and read my devotion for today. I really wanted and needed to hear a word from the Lord this morning. But, it didn't come through my devotion today. I'm not sure why. The Lord has been showing me a little bit of something each day for the past week and today He didn't. Of all days, Lord, I need you today and tomorrow. Where are You?
So, I continued searching through other stuff trying to find a Word. Then, Carlie woke up. She came into the room and sat on the couch. The first thing she said was "I wish Chandler was here". I started crying. She got up, went in to the kitchen to get her milk. On her way back, I had her sit beside me. I put my arm around her and held her close. I said "I wish Chandler was here too". I just cried with her for a minute and we talked about how much we miss him. This is the first time Carlie has said anything like that. So, I believe, she is realizing that Chandler has been gone a while. She misses her big brother.
After my cry with Carlie, I continued reading and searching for the Lord to tell me something. I was led to a blog by another grieving mom. This is a lady who called me early on after Chandler died. (I can't tell you how much it hurts for me to write the word "died". That's why so many times I just say Chandler's "accident".) Anyway, I started reading some of her past blogs and in one she writes about Romans 8. So, I started reading. The whole chapter is great but there were several things that just stuck out to me this morning.
In Romans 8:9-11 it says:
9 However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. 10 If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.
I am comforted because I know that the Spirit of God dwells in Chandler. Because of that, I know that even though his body is dead, his spirit is alive. His spirit is with the Lord right now. And, one day, the Lord will come back and resurrect his body. And, when that happens, the Lord will also get me and we'll all be together with the Lord for eternity. That is the hope that I cling to. It's what gets me through each day.
These verses reminded again of the song that was played at Chandler's funeral.
No grave
Gonna hold my spirit down
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
Lord knows they’ll never keep me in the ground
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
Romans 8:18
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Right now, we are suffering. It's an awful pain that I can't even describe. My heart aches to have my son back. Our family is broken and we have to learn to live without one of us here. But, this verse says that my suffering is "not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us". Now, I know the suffering I'm experiencing and it's horrible. For my suffering to be this painful and for God to say it doesn't compare to the glory that will be revealed to us - then the glory that we'll see one day must be amazing! I thank the Lord that this pain is temporary and the glory He reveals to us will be for eternity.
So, God did speak this morning. He reminded me that Chandler's spirit is with Him. As much as it hurts to not have him here, I can know that Chandler is safe "In the hands of God". He also reminded me that the pain and suffering that I am experiencing is temporary. One day, it will all be over and I will see God's glory.
We went to Chandler's grave this afternoon. It is so hard to be there. Prior to even driving into the cemetery, I started crying. We got out of the car and walked over to the grave. The McKinney family (some very special friends of ours) had a white cross to put at the grave. Each one of them wrote something on the cross. They gave it to us to write on it as well. Chad, the kids and I all wrote a note to Chandler on it. In addition to placing the cross, I had purchased 5 little Christmas decorations (1 from each of us) to add to the flower arrangement already there. Chad thought the decorations wouldn't show up if we just put them in the flowers that were already there. So we just placed the little decorations in the ground around the vase. We all just stood there for a while in the quiet. Chad and Caleb went back to the car first. I stayed a little while longer with Corben and Carlie. It really bothered me that I was decorating my son's grave this year for Christmas rather than buying him presents. Before leaving, I just said to Chandler "I love you. Merry Christmas".
We left the cemetery and went to our Christmas Eve service at church. It was an emotional time for me. I cried a lot during the service. I couldn't sing the songs. I just had to listen. When the service was over, I started walking out. Someone stopped me and hugged me and told me they were praying for us. I just started crying and at that point, the tears just wouldn't stop. I just stood out in the lobby area against the wall waiting on the rest of the family so that we could leave. People could see me and I'm sure they could see the sadness and the tears falling. Several people came over to hug me, love on me and make sure that I knew they were praying. Everyone was so sweet and I'm so very thankful for all of the prayers. Without those prayers, I won't make it through these days.
We got home, changed clothes, and ate something for supper. The kids were ready to open their Christmas Eve present. So, Caleb, Corben & Carlie opened their pajamas. Now, they are sitting around watching a Christmas movie, "Santa Buddies".
Oh, I found out today that Chad thought of a gift he wanted to get me so that I would have a gift to open from him tomorrow. He went today to get it. I have no idea what it could be. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
After I woke up, I fixed my coffee and sat at my seat on the couch and read my devotion for today. I really wanted and needed to hear a word from the Lord this morning. But, it didn't come through my devotion today. I'm not sure why. The Lord has been showing me a little bit of something each day for the past week and today He didn't. Of all days, Lord, I need you today and tomorrow. Where are You?
So, I continued searching through other stuff trying to find a Word. Then, Carlie woke up. She came into the room and sat on the couch. The first thing she said was "I wish Chandler was here". I started crying. She got up, went in to the kitchen to get her milk. On her way back, I had her sit beside me. I put my arm around her and held her close. I said "I wish Chandler was here too". I just cried with her for a minute and we talked about how much we miss him. This is the first time Carlie has said anything like that. So, I believe, she is realizing that Chandler has been gone a while. She misses her big brother.
After my cry with Carlie, I continued reading and searching for the Lord to tell me something. I was led to a blog by another grieving mom. This is a lady who called me early on after Chandler died. (I can't tell you how much it hurts for me to write the word "died". That's why so many times I just say Chandler's "accident".) Anyway, I started reading some of her past blogs and in one she writes about Romans 8. So, I started reading. The whole chapter is great but there were several things that just stuck out to me this morning.
In Romans 8:9-11 it says:
9 However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. 10 If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.
I am comforted because I know that the Spirit of God dwells in Chandler. Because of that, I know that even though his body is dead, his spirit is alive. His spirit is with the Lord right now. And, one day, the Lord will come back and resurrect his body. And, when that happens, the Lord will also get me and we'll all be together with the Lord for eternity. That is the hope that I cling to. It's what gets me through each day.
These verses reminded again of the song that was played at Chandler's funeral.
No grave
Gonna hold my spirit down
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
Lord knows they’ll never keep me in the ground
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
Romans 8:18
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Right now, we are suffering. It's an awful pain that I can't even describe. My heart aches to have my son back. Our family is broken and we have to learn to live without one of us here. But, this verse says that my suffering is "not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us". Now, I know the suffering I'm experiencing and it's horrible. For my suffering to be this painful and for God to say it doesn't compare to the glory that will be revealed to us - then the glory that we'll see one day must be amazing! I thank the Lord that this pain is temporary and the glory He reveals to us will be for eternity.
So, God did speak this morning. He reminded me that Chandler's spirit is with Him. As much as it hurts to not have him here, I can know that Chandler is safe "In the hands of God". He also reminded me that the pain and suffering that I am experiencing is temporary. One day, it will all be over and I will see God's glory.
We went to Chandler's grave this afternoon. It is so hard to be there. Prior to even driving into the cemetery, I started crying. We got out of the car and walked over to the grave. The McKinney family (some very special friends of ours) had a white cross to put at the grave. Each one of them wrote something on the cross. They gave it to us to write on it as well. Chad, the kids and I all wrote a note to Chandler on it. In addition to placing the cross, I had purchased 5 little Christmas decorations (1 from each of us) to add to the flower arrangement already there. Chad thought the decorations wouldn't show up if we just put them in the flowers that were already there. So we just placed the little decorations in the ground around the vase. We all just stood there for a while in the quiet. Chad and Caleb went back to the car first. I stayed a little while longer with Corben and Carlie. It really bothered me that I was decorating my son's grave this year for Christmas rather than buying him presents. Before leaving, I just said to Chandler "I love you. Merry Christmas".
We left the cemetery and went to our Christmas Eve service at church. It was an emotional time for me. I cried a lot during the service. I couldn't sing the songs. I just had to listen. When the service was over, I started walking out. Someone stopped me and hugged me and told me they were praying for us. I just started crying and at that point, the tears just wouldn't stop. I just stood out in the lobby area against the wall waiting on the rest of the family so that we could leave. People could see me and I'm sure they could see the sadness and the tears falling. Several people came over to hug me, love on me and make sure that I knew they were praying. Everyone was so sweet and I'm so very thankful for all of the prayers. Without those prayers, I won't make it through these days.
Oh, I found out today that Chad thought of a gift he wanted to get me so that I would have a gift to open from him tomorrow. He went today to get it. I have no idea what it could be. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Devotions
I've been reading through a great devotional book that my sister gave me. It's has devotions for every day of the year. For now, I started in December, but I look forward to starting with the January 1 date and working through it for the next year. It's titled "Streams in the Desert" and was recommended by another grieving mother. Anyway, it seems that each devotion I read is very fitting to my life. I just wanted to share some that have been very meaningful to me so far.
Dec. 19 devotion:
This will result in your being witnesses to them. (Luke 21:13)
Life is a steep climb, and it is always encouraging to have those ahead of us "call back" and cheerfully summon us to higher ground. We all climb together, so we should help one another. The mountain climbing of life is serious, but glorious, business; it takes strength and steadiness to reach the summit. And as our view becomes better as we gain altitude, and as we discover things of importance, we should "call back" our encouragement to others.
If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back --
It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And if, perhaps, Faith's light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.
Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest's roots were torn;
That, when the heavens thunder and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you where the lofty air was still.
O friend, call back, and tell me for I cannot see your face;
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet sprint in the race;
But there are mists between us and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.
But if you'll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you'll say He saw you through the night's sin-darkened sky--
If you have gone a little way ahead, O friend, call back--
It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.
I am thankful for the other grieving moms who have "called back" to me. To hear from you is comforting and encouraging to me. I have no doubt that there will be others that have to deal with the death of a child and I will be here for them and "call back".
Another devotion from Dec. 21:
I will give him. . . the land he set his feet on, because he followed the Lord wholeheartedly. (Deut. 1:36)
Every difficult task that comes across your path--every one that you would rather not do, that will take the most effort, cause the most pain, and be the greatest struggle--brings a blessing with it. And refusing to do it regardless of the personal cost is to miss the blessing.
Every difficult stretch of road on which you see the Master's footprints and along which He calls you to follow Him leads unquestionably to blessings. And they are blessings you will never receive unless you travel the steep and thorny path.
Every battlefield you encounter, where you are required to draw your sword and fight the enemy, has the possibility of victory that will prove to be a rich blessing to your life. And every heavy burden you are called upon to lift hides within itself a miraculous secret of strength. J.R. Miller
I cannot do it alone;
The waves surge fast and high,
And the fogs close all around,
The light goes out in the sky;
But I know that we two
Will win in the end,
Jesus and I.
Cowardly, wayward, and weak,
I change with the changing sky;
Today so eager and bright,
Tomorrow too weak to try;
But He never gives in,
So we two will win,
Jesus and I.
I could not guide it myself,
My boat on life's wild sea;
There's One who sits by my side,
Who pulls and steers with me.
And I know that we two
Will safe enter port,
Jesus and I.
I have also been reading as many books that I can get my hands on to help me deal with such a huge loss. One of the books was Mary Beth Chapman's book "Choosing to See". The book was amazing. I hated when I finished. The things she wrote in her book could have been written by me. That's what made it so great to read. Because she's been where I am, she "knows" how it feels. She's had the same thoughts, questions, etc. that I have had. I will read it again. I also purchased Steven Curtis Chapman's CD, "Beauty Will Rise". He wrote all of the songs on the CD about the loss of his daughter. So, I've really enjoyed listening and crying along to that CD.
Dec. 19 devotion:
This will result in your being witnesses to them. (Luke 21:13)
Life is a steep climb, and it is always encouraging to have those ahead of us "call back" and cheerfully summon us to higher ground. We all climb together, so we should help one another. The mountain climbing of life is serious, but glorious, business; it takes strength and steadiness to reach the summit. And as our view becomes better as we gain altitude, and as we discover things of importance, we should "call back" our encouragement to others.
If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back --
It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And if, perhaps, Faith's light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.
Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest's roots were torn;
That, when the heavens thunder and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you where the lofty air was still.
O friend, call back, and tell me for I cannot see your face;
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet sprint in the race;
But there are mists between us and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.
But if you'll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you'll say He saw you through the night's sin-darkened sky--
If you have gone a little way ahead, O friend, call back--
It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.
I am thankful for the other grieving moms who have "called back" to me. To hear from you is comforting and encouraging to me. I have no doubt that there will be others that have to deal with the death of a child and I will be here for them and "call back".
Another devotion from Dec. 21:
I will give him. . . the land he set his feet on, because he followed the Lord wholeheartedly. (Deut. 1:36)
Every difficult task that comes across your path--every one that you would rather not do, that will take the most effort, cause the most pain, and be the greatest struggle--brings a blessing with it. And refusing to do it regardless of the personal cost is to miss the blessing.
Every difficult stretch of road on which you see the Master's footprints and along which He calls you to follow Him leads unquestionably to blessings. And they are blessings you will never receive unless you travel the steep and thorny path.
Every battlefield you encounter, where you are required to draw your sword and fight the enemy, has the possibility of victory that will prove to be a rich blessing to your life. And every heavy burden you are called upon to lift hides within itself a miraculous secret of strength. J.R. Miller
I cannot do it alone;
The waves surge fast and high,
And the fogs close all around,
The light goes out in the sky;
But I know that we two
Will win in the end,
Jesus and I.
Cowardly, wayward, and weak,
I change with the changing sky;
Today so eager and bright,
Tomorrow too weak to try;
But He never gives in,
So we two will win,
Jesus and I.
I could not guide it myself,
My boat on life's wild sea;
There's One who sits by my side,
Who pulls and steers with me.
And I know that we two
Will safe enter port,
Jesus and I.
I have also been reading as many books that I can get my hands on to help me deal with such a huge loss. One of the books was Mary Beth Chapman's book "Choosing to See". The book was amazing. I hated when I finished. The things she wrote in her book could have been written by me. That's what made it so great to read. Because she's been where I am, she "knows" how it feels. She's had the same thoughts, questions, etc. that I have had. I will read it again. I also purchased Steven Curtis Chapman's CD, "Beauty Will Rise". He wrote all of the songs on the CD about the loss of his daughter. So, I've really enjoyed listening and crying along to that CD.
Planning for Christmas
One day, my Daddy went out to Walmart and came home with a prelit tree that is put up in 3 easy steps. He called it his "Chandler tree". He didn't put an ornament on it. He just sat that tree in his house, turned the lights on and thought of Chandler. It wasn't hard to do. It was just a humble, simple tree. So, my parents encouraged me to do the same. It wouldn't be lot of work and the kids would have a tree to look at and puts gifts under. So, I went out one day in search of a tree. Of course, while I was in the Christmas section at the store, I started crying. I picked out the tree, put it in my buggy (Yes, I call it a buggy and I have friends who laugh at me. They call it a cart. You know who you are girls!) Anyway, I headed to the cashier with tears in my eyes.
I got home and later that evening, Caleb put it together for me. I ended up putting a few things on the tree. I put a white dove on it that came from one of the flower arrangements at Chandler's funeral. I put an ornament on it that someone gave us that has a saying on it about being in heaven for Christmas. I also put Chandler's favorite hat as the tree topper. That's all we have on it and it looks fine. It's our "Chandler" tree this year. Yes, I have other children and I'm not trying to be cold to them by not putting anything else on the tree. But, this year, it's our first Christmas without Chandler. On Christmas morning when we're all in here and the kids are opening gifts, I want to feel like Chandler is here too. And, when I look at that tree and see his hat on top of that tree, I feel him. So, this year, my tree is all about Chandler. I did add one more ornament to the tree yesterday. My dear friend, Michelle, had a Christmas ornament made for me. It has a recent family picture on it of all of us (all 6 of us). I added it to Chandler's tree last night.
With all of your prayers, I have been able to get all of my Christmas shopping done. I honestly can't believe I was able to do it. But, those prayers and the help of friends shopping with me enabled me to get my shopping done.
Chad was talking to me the other night and said he didn't have me a gift yet. He wanted to know what he could get me. He's not one to just go out without any of my input and buy something. He knows, there is no way he could pick out anything for me to wear and have me actually wear it. I'm just very picky and I prefer to pick out my own stuff, whether it's clothing, cologne, jewelry, etc. Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't turn down any jewelry if he were to go pick it out. He has done it before and he did a great job. He just knows that the safest thing to do is to get exactly what I want or just give me money. Of course, when he brought this up the other night, I told him with honesty - "I don't need anything to open. I really don't care about having anything to open. What I want for Christmas, I can't have." And, of course, I started crying. So, we talked and decided that I would get something after Christmas. I told Chad I wanted a piece of jewelry with Chandler's name on it that represented him. I didn't know what type of jewelry that would be until yesterday. My friend Michelle has some wonderful children. She has a boy and a girl and they are both red heads so my Carlie fits right in when we're together. Michelle's precious daughter Reagan couldn't stand waiting until Christmas to give her Mommy her Christmas present. So, she gave it to her the other day and Michelle had it on yesterday when we were together. It was a beautiful silver bracelet with her daughter's birthstone on it. You may have heard of them. It's a Pandora bracelet. I looked at it and immediately knew that that was what I wanted. Michelle said they have charms with letters on them so I can have Chandler's name spelled out. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to have his name on it with his birthstone and any other charms I can find that represent Chandler and who he was, what he liked, etc. I can't wait to have my "Chandler" bracelet.
I've also managed to get Christmas gifts wrapped. Wrapping has actually been pretty good for me. I was able to focus on what I was doing and relax my mind from all of the other thoughts that consume it all day and all night. So, according to all of the "stuff", we seem to be ready for Christmas. Of course, my heart and mind aren't ready for Christmas at all. But, we will get through it.
Friends
I have to say that I have truly been blessed with some wonderful friends. I have friends all over the world. And, I mean, all over the world. We even have friends in South Africa. All of my friends have contacted me in one way or another since Chandler's accident. Everyone has been so loving. I have been amazed at the response of people. We've even had people contact us that don't even know us. But, somehow, they heard about our tragedy and wanted us to know that they were praying for us. We even received a card the other day from a missionary in Thailand. Yes, Thailand. He doesn't know us but he heard about us. Now, he didn't have to send us a card when he found out. We would have never known. I mean, we don't even know him. But, he took the time to write us a note and mail it all the way from Thailand to let us know that he was praying for us. Amazing!!
I've also had many friends try and get me out of the house. I had friends get me out of the house on Black Friday. I've never been Black Friday shopping. Well, I went with these 2 crazy girls and we had fun. I'm sure I'll be doing it again next year. I also had a friend of mine go with me to get some of my Christmas shopping done for the kids. I didn't want to go out shopping by myself so she went with me and we spent the day together. There have been several other occasions where friends have invited me out and I've joined them. I'm always glad that I went. We laugh together and I usually shed some tears at times. But, being with them helps to relieve the pain for just a little while.
Thank you Lord for blessing me with so many wonderful friends!
I've also had many friends try and get me out of the house. I had friends get me out of the house on Black Friday. I've never been Black Friday shopping. Well, I went with these 2 crazy girls and we had fun. I'm sure I'll be doing it again next year. I also had a friend of mine go with me to get some of my Christmas shopping done for the kids. I didn't want to go out shopping by myself so she went with me and we spent the day together. There have been several other occasions where friends have invited me out and I've joined them. I'm always glad that I went. We laugh together and I usually shed some tears at times. But, being with them helps to relieve the pain for just a little while.
Thank you Lord for blessing me with so many wonderful friends!
Laundry
I was in my laundry room about a week ago. I was sorting clothes and putting some into the washer. While I was in there, I was hoping so badly that some of Chandler's dirty clothes would show up. It would mean that it hadn't been so long ago that he left us. But, I knew that wasn't going to happen. All of his stuff has already been washed and put away. So, I just cried right there in the laundry room.
One Month
Dec. 14, 2010. It has been one month since Chandler went to be with the Lord. The past month has been difficult. I cry off an on every day. There are so many different things that will trigger a tear. I've had days when I didn't want to get out of bed. I've had days where I didn't want to do anything. I don't want to eat, don't want to fix the kids anything to eat, don't want to wash a dish. I don't want to do laundry. I don't want to do "normal" everyday things because there is nothing "normal" about what we are going through. Every day seems to get harder rather than better. Each day that goes by means that it has been that much more time since he was here with us. A month has gone by already. That hurts! I would love to go back to the day of the accident. I want to wake up and start that day over and do everything completely differently.
A Reminder
Chad received an email from a friend of ours in Chesapeake. His name is Chris Sale. He's married to Cathie and they have 3 children. Their oldest, Jordan, was one of Chandler's close friends when they were just little toddlers. So, this family is very special to us. Anyway, in his email, he reminded us of something.
A little history here. In 1993 I became pregnant for the first time. At around the 12 week mark when you can start to relax and feel like everything is going to be okay, something went wrong. I went to the doctor and we found that the baby's heart stopped beating. We were losing the baby. This was devastating to me. I had to wonder would I be able to have children? I wanted children so badly. I never miscarried on my own and ended up having surgery. So, I grieved the loss of my baby. We tried right away to get pregnant again and each month brought failure and heartache. I grieved over and over each month. It had been almost a year and I still wasn't pregnant. So, one Wednesday night we were at church (Bethel Baptist) in Chesapeake. People were sharing prayer requests. Chad mentioned that we were struggling. We wanted a baby so badly and God wasn't giving us one. What if He didn't give us one? Chad was crying. I was crying. Chip (our pastor) called us to the front of the church. He had deacons come up and gather around us and Chip prayed for us. He didn't so much pray for God to give us a baby. But, for God's will to be done and of course, for us to be able to accept whatever that was.
The next day, I took a pregnancy test. I didn't think it would be positive. My cycle was messed up all the time. But, I took the test anyway just knowing that I would be crying soon after because of another negative test. Well, I was wrong. The test was positive. I was so excited. I called Chad and my second phone call was to Chip.
So, in Chris's email, he reminded us of that Wednesday night. We prayed for God's will. Of course, we all knew that we were hoping God's will included a baby for us. Well, it did. That baby was Chandler. We prayed for Chandler and God gave him to us. Chandler is God's child but he gave him to us for a while to nurture, love, and raise him in the way of the Lord. He knew when he gave us Chandler that we would only have him with us for 16 years. In a way, I get a little comfort from that. It reminds me of how much God loves Chandler. But, my heart still aches for him. I would still take him back in a minute. I love Chandler and miss him so much!
A little history here. In 1993 I became pregnant for the first time. At around the 12 week mark when you can start to relax and feel like everything is going to be okay, something went wrong. I went to the doctor and we found that the baby's heart stopped beating. We were losing the baby. This was devastating to me. I had to wonder would I be able to have children? I wanted children so badly. I never miscarried on my own and ended up having surgery. So, I grieved the loss of my baby. We tried right away to get pregnant again and each month brought failure and heartache. I grieved over and over each month. It had been almost a year and I still wasn't pregnant. So, one Wednesday night we were at church (Bethel Baptist) in Chesapeake. People were sharing prayer requests. Chad mentioned that we were struggling. We wanted a baby so badly and God wasn't giving us one. What if He didn't give us one? Chad was crying. I was crying. Chip (our pastor) called us to the front of the church. He had deacons come up and gather around us and Chip prayed for us. He didn't so much pray for God to give us a baby. But, for God's will to be done and of course, for us to be able to accept whatever that was.
The next day, I took a pregnancy test. I didn't think it would be positive. My cycle was messed up all the time. But, I took the test anyway just knowing that I would be crying soon after because of another negative test. Well, I was wrong. The test was positive. I was so excited. I called Chad and my second phone call was to Chip.
So, in Chris's email, he reminded us of that Wednesday night. We prayed for God's will. Of course, we all knew that we were hoping God's will included a baby for us. Well, it did. That baby was Chandler. We prayed for Chandler and God gave him to us. Chandler is God's child but he gave him to us for a while to nurture, love, and raise him in the way of the Lord. He knew when he gave us Chandler that we would only have him with us for 16 years. In a way, I get a little comfort from that. It reminds me of how much God loves Chandler. But, my heart still aches for him. I would still take him back in a minute. I love Chandler and miss him so much!
Saying Goodbye
Nov. 20, 2010. Well, the time has come that everyone has to go home. Frank and Crissy, the Harris family and my family all have to leave today. I knew this time had to come but I really wasn't looking forward to it. I dread the quiet of the house when everyone is gone. We had to say goodbye to all of the people that we love so much. Goodbyes are usually hard but at a time like this, it is so much harder.
After everyone left, it was just Chad, me and the kids here. The house is quiet. This is reality. Friends and family are gone and all we're left with is our family. The hard part about that is that our family is broken now. Normally, being here at home with my family is fine. I love it. We're happy together. We love each other. We are one happy family of 6. Well, that has changed. We're not 6 anymore. So, it all feels so wrong. I've questioned God about this too. Of course, He hasn't answered and I might not get an answer this side of heaven. But, I've asked him, "why did You to this to us?" If anyone knows, God knows how close our family is. He knows that we do everything together. He knows how much we love each other. He knows how proud we are of our family. We were always so glad that we had what we considered a large family, in our eyes. We didn't have just 1 or 2 kids. We had 4 in addition to my stepdaughter. We were proud to go to a restaurant and have to wait on a larger table for our family to sit. So, why would God mess our family up. Why would He do this to such a loving family. Why did He take away our "large" family? Why are we experiencing such pain? Am I being punished? These are all questions that I've asked and I continue to do so. I would love to have some answers but I know I probably never will. I also know that this is all part of grieving.
So, the house is quiet. I'm not even sure what to do. I sit on the couch and cover up with a blanket. It's not just any blanket. It's a "quilt of hope". The quilt was made by a group of women at our church. The quilt was born out of a Bible study on "Times of Brokenness in our Lives" led by Kim Young at a Saturday morning special in March 2005. Each woman crafted a quilt square featuring a specific word, message, or scripture given to that woman by God during a time of personal brokenness. The squares reflect love, hope, grace and mercy. They share this quilt with people in the church who are going through a time of brokenness in their lives. Many people have had it through numerous types of losses. A journal goes along with the quilt of hope. Each recipient of the quilt writes in the journal before the quilt and journal are passed on to the next person.
Well, I sat on the couch and covered myself with that large quilt. It's warm and cozy and very comforting. At first, I thought, how can I get comfort from a quilt? Well, let me tell you, it works. I was sitting here in the quiet of my house, yet I didn't feel totally alone. I had this blanket covering me that others have used during their time of brokenness. I could read the verses and words written on the quilt and it gave me hope. It gave me hope that we will get through this time. And as hard as it is for me to fathom right now, we will learn how to live again. We also have hope in the fact that one day we Christians will be together forever in the presence of the Lord. So, I'm getting through the quiet times with my quilt of hope. As I sit here now writing this blog, I'm wrapped up in it. It has been a huge blessing for me.
After everyone left, it was just Chad, me and the kids here. The house is quiet. This is reality. Friends and family are gone and all we're left with is our family. The hard part about that is that our family is broken now. Normally, being here at home with my family is fine. I love it. We're happy together. We love each other. We are one happy family of 6. Well, that has changed. We're not 6 anymore. So, it all feels so wrong. I've questioned God about this too. Of course, He hasn't answered and I might not get an answer this side of heaven. But, I've asked him, "why did You to this to us?" If anyone knows, God knows how close our family is. He knows that we do everything together. He knows how much we love each other. He knows how proud we are of our family. We were always so glad that we had what we considered a large family, in our eyes. We didn't have just 1 or 2 kids. We had 4 in addition to my stepdaughter. We were proud to go to a restaurant and have to wait on a larger table for our family to sit. So, why would God mess our family up. Why would He do this to such a loving family. Why did He take away our "large" family? Why are we experiencing such pain? Am I being punished? These are all questions that I've asked and I continue to do so. I would love to have some answers but I know I probably never will. I also know that this is all part of grieving.
So, the house is quiet. I'm not even sure what to do. I sit on the couch and cover up with a blanket. It's not just any blanket. It's a "quilt of hope". The quilt was made by a group of women at our church. The quilt was born out of a Bible study on "Times of Brokenness in our Lives" led by Kim Young at a Saturday morning special in March 2005. Each woman crafted a quilt square featuring a specific word, message, or scripture given to that woman by God during a time of personal brokenness. The squares reflect love, hope, grace and mercy. They share this quilt with people in the church who are going through a time of brokenness in their lives. Many people have had it through numerous types of losses. A journal goes along with the quilt of hope. Each recipient of the quilt writes in the journal before the quilt and journal are passed on to the next person.
Well, I sat on the couch and covered myself with that large quilt. It's warm and cozy and very comforting. At first, I thought, how can I get comfort from a quilt? Well, let me tell you, it works. I was sitting here in the quiet of my house, yet I didn't feel totally alone. I had this blanket covering me that others have used during their time of brokenness. I could read the verses and words written on the quilt and it gave me hope. It gave me hope that we will get through this time. And as hard as it is for me to fathom right now, we will learn how to live again. We also have hope in the fact that one day we Christians will be together forever in the presence of the Lord. So, I'm getting through the quiet times with my quilt of hope. As I sit here now writing this blog, I'm wrapped up in it. It has been a huge blessing for me.
Gifts & Cemetery visit
My family arrived at our house this morning. They have been staying at a hotel. Scott and Brandi drove up and visited a while before they had to leave. They also brought gifts for the kids. My kids are so blessed to have Uncle Scott and Aunt Brandi. They are always so good to them. Whenever we go to Alabama, Uncle Scott always make it a point to take Chandler, Caleb and their cousin Cade on some kind of fun outing; bowling, a movie, eat hot wings, go to a baseball game, etc. They always have the best time. He always does something for the little ones too: Corben, Carlie, Connor and Claire Michael. (Yes, they all have "C" names). Now, they are all 6 yrs. and younger so he hasn't taken them on an outing yet. But, he will bring them some special treat or order pizza, ride them around the neighborhood on the golf cart and just play with them outside. He's so good to all of them. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not about the gifts that make the kids love him so much. It's the fact that he gets on their level and spends time with them. He's like a big kid himself. He loves to have fun and that's why they all love him so much. Well, on this particular day, Uncle Scott and Aunt Brandi had something special for each of them. They gave Corben a nice remote control 4 wheel drive truck. Carlie got a Barbie with accessories and clothes that you can decorate. Caleb got a gift card. From what I hear, Scott did the shopping. He actually picked out the Barbie for Carlie and he did a great job. The kids were so excited. Thank you Scott and Brandi. I know the gifts don't take the pain away but they are a nice distraction for a little while.
Another gift that we received today was not expected at all. Life Net (the people that handled the organ donation) gave us a gift. It was cement in the shape of a heart and it had Chandler's hand print in it. I just cried when I saw it. What a gift to treasure. As soon as I saw it, I placed my hand in Chandler's hand print. I love the gift!
In the afternoon, Chad took me and my family to the cemetery. We wanted to pick some flowers to keep and to just be there. We just stood there a while. We picked flowers off of the arrangements and then we just cried together. I said "I shouldn't have to be standing over my son's grave". It is still so hard to comprehend all of this.
The Funeral
Nov. 18, 2010. When I woke up this morning, it was so hard to believe what we were going to be doing today. We were having Chandler's funeral. How do we get through this? How do we bury our child?
I started to get ready. For those of you who know me well then you know that I'm not one to go out in public without my make up on, unless I'm at the beach. Well, I didn't wear any eye make up today. What would be the point? It wouldn't stay and I would have to worry about mascara running down my face all day. And, at this point, I don't really care how I look anyway. I would never wear make up again if it would bring my son back. My family showed up at the house so that we could all head over to the church together. On the way to Cave Spring Baptist Church, which is where the funeral was held, there was a light rain. It wasn't raining hard. It was just a light drizzle and gray skies. It was fitting for my mood.
When we arrived at the church, we went into the choir room to wait on time to go in and have our family viewing time with Chandler. When the time came, we walked with the kids to the sanctuary. The doors were opened and I saw the casket sitting there at the front of the church. Is this real? We walked up to the casket and saw Chandler. He looked so good. He looked just like he was sleeping. He was wearing jeans, a blue, long sleeve pullover shirt and his favorite hat that his Poppy had given him years ago. I touched him, hugged him, held his hand. It hurt so much to see him there. I just wanted him to open his eyes and sit up. I placed a picture of our family there with him in the casket. Caleb, Corben and Carlie were there with us too. My heart breaks for them. They've lost their oldest brother. Chandler was the best big brother. He loves his siblings so much. Chandler and Caleb were only 13 months apart so they've always been together. When you say their names, they are always said together "Chandler and Caleb". They've done so much together. Yes, they are brothers and they argue and fight but they were also best friends. They hung out together, played video games together, watched movies, rode dirt bikes, went to Puerto Rico with their dad. The list could go on an on. Chandler was always so good to Corben and Carlie. He didn't mind if they would come in his bedroom and hang out with him. He would use them as actors in the movies he made. Corben and Carlie always loved that because it meant that he was spending special, quality time with them when they made their movies. They got his undivided attention. They laughed so much during those times. Chandler also has an older sister. She's 6 years older than he is. Circumstances haven't allowed us to always be together so we've had to make the best of what time we do have. But, over the past 4 years or so, Chandler and Alex's relationship has grown stronger. His sister works at a hair salon. If we were ever together and Chandler needed a hair cut, Alex would cut it. Chandler wanted Alex to cut his hair over anybody else. She always did it to his satisfaction. He couldn't stand to have his hair messed up by someone who didn't know what they were doing when they cut it. So, I'm thankful for the growth in their relationship over the past few years. Even though they weren't together a lot, I know that Chandler loved his older sister and she loves him.
The rest of the family spent time with Chandler there at the casket. Chandler has some very special cousins in Alabama that couldn't come for the funeral. They are my sister's kids. So, Brandi brought pictures of them and placed them in the casket as well so that they would be represented. They wanted to be here so badly but it was best for them to stay back home.
The time came for others to come and visit and show their support. The turn out for Chandler's funeral was unbelievable. So many people came, including so many of our very special friends from Seminary. They drove or flew from all over to be here with us. It was so good to have them here with us. We had seating reserved for them to all sit together during the funeral. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to look back and see that group of friends sitting there together. We love those friends and always will. We all have a very special bond.
It was almost time for the service to start. People were still lined up at the door to see us but we had to cut it short because of time. Chad, Caleb and I went up to Chandler to say our final goodbyes. How are we going to do this? After this, I'll never see Chandler again this side of heaven. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want them to close the casket. It just isn't right to have to be doing this. I laid over Chandler's body and just held him and cried. I love him so much that it hurts. He was my first born child. I don't want to walk away from his body. I don't want to stop holding his hand. But, I have to. I lean over and kiss his face and tell him I love him and then I have to leave so that they can close the casket. Before they closed the casket, they took Chandler's hat off and replaced it with an Alabama hat that his Poppy brought for him. I wanted to keep his favorite hat with me. So, the funeral director did that and brought me Chandler's hat and I held it with me the rest of the time.
We enter the sanctuary again with all of the family and sit down for the service. The service was beautiful. Chandler's friend, Zack, prepared a slide show so we were able to look at tons of pictures of Chandler as well as his art work during the service. We had perfect music. The Newsboys song "No Grave" was the first song played. "Temporary Home" was toward the middle of the service and "In the hands of God" finished out the service. Pastor Pete Schemm and Pastor Kyle Osborne led the service. We also had a time where people could share things about Chandler. This was such a sweet time. It was so nice to hear different ones talk about Chandler and things that they knew about him and remembered about him. Some of our Seminary friends shared things they remembered and you couldn't help but smile when they said the things that they did as we remembered our days together.
After the service was over, we had to prepare to drive over to the cemetery for the service there. We got there, sat in the chairs right in front of the casket and the pall bearers brought the casket over. We had very special pall bearers picked out for Chandler. We had his brother Caleb. We asked Caleb if he wanted to be one first. I wasn't going to make him do anything he didn't want to do. He said he wanted to do it. It was so beautiful and sad to see him there carrying Chandler. The other pall bearers were Nick Smith, Zach Leet, Josh McKinney, Justin Obenchain, Jay Jones and Rob Eanes.
Pastor Schemm and Pastor Osborne shared some scripture there at the grave. This is where Pastor Schemm discussed the scripture 1 Thess. 4:16-17. After they finished up there we stood and walked over to the side where there was a dove waiting to be released. The man asked if I wanted to be the one to release it and I said "yes". I stood beside him while he held the dove. He showed me what to do to release the dove. He spoke a minute and then I placed my hands on each side of the dove's belly. I held the dove up, gave a slight shove as I released it. It was beautiful and so emotional. After the dove was released, Chad closed the service in prayer which was a perfect ending to the service at the grave. Afterwards, everyone stayed for a while, hugged us and loved on us. Then, we had to leave. We went back to the house and had our family, Seminary friends and other friends come back to the house to visit and eat.
The time with friends that evening was so good. I don't know that I could have made it through the rest of the day if we had been alone. All of the people around me helped me get through the evening after Chandler's funeral.
Our friends, Frank & Crissy spent the night with us. As tired as we all were, we didn't go to bed until about 1:30 am. It was just so nice to be with such special people.
I started to get ready. For those of you who know me well then you know that I'm not one to go out in public without my make up on, unless I'm at the beach. Well, I didn't wear any eye make up today. What would be the point? It wouldn't stay and I would have to worry about mascara running down my face all day. And, at this point, I don't really care how I look anyway. I would never wear make up again if it would bring my son back. My family showed up at the house so that we could all head over to the church together. On the way to Cave Spring Baptist Church, which is where the funeral was held, there was a light rain. It wasn't raining hard. It was just a light drizzle and gray skies. It was fitting for my mood.
When we arrived at the church, we went into the choir room to wait on time to go in and have our family viewing time with Chandler. When the time came, we walked with the kids to the sanctuary. The doors were opened and I saw the casket sitting there at the front of the church. Is this real? We walked up to the casket and saw Chandler. He looked so good. He looked just like he was sleeping. He was wearing jeans, a blue, long sleeve pullover shirt and his favorite hat that his Poppy had given him years ago. I touched him, hugged him, held his hand. It hurt so much to see him there. I just wanted him to open his eyes and sit up. I placed a picture of our family there with him in the casket. Caleb, Corben and Carlie were there with us too. My heart breaks for them. They've lost their oldest brother. Chandler was the best big brother. He loves his siblings so much. Chandler and Caleb were only 13 months apart so they've always been together. When you say their names, they are always said together "Chandler and Caleb". They've done so much together. Yes, they are brothers and they argue and fight but they were also best friends. They hung out together, played video games together, watched movies, rode dirt bikes, went to Puerto Rico with their dad. The list could go on an on. Chandler was always so good to Corben and Carlie. He didn't mind if they would come in his bedroom and hang out with him. He would use them as actors in the movies he made. Corben and Carlie always loved that because it meant that he was spending special, quality time with them when they made their movies. They got his undivided attention. They laughed so much during those times. Chandler also has an older sister. She's 6 years older than he is. Circumstances haven't allowed us to always be together so we've had to make the best of what time we do have. But, over the past 4 years or so, Chandler and Alex's relationship has grown stronger. His sister works at a hair salon. If we were ever together and Chandler needed a hair cut, Alex would cut it. Chandler wanted Alex to cut his hair over anybody else. She always did it to his satisfaction. He couldn't stand to have his hair messed up by someone who didn't know what they were doing when they cut it. So, I'm thankful for the growth in their relationship over the past few years. Even though they weren't together a lot, I know that Chandler loved his older sister and she loves him.
The rest of the family spent time with Chandler there at the casket. Chandler has some very special cousins in Alabama that couldn't come for the funeral. They are my sister's kids. So, Brandi brought pictures of them and placed them in the casket as well so that they would be represented. They wanted to be here so badly but it was best for them to stay back home.
The time came for others to come and visit and show their support. The turn out for Chandler's funeral was unbelievable. So many people came, including so many of our very special friends from Seminary. They drove or flew from all over to be here with us. It was so good to have them here with us. We had seating reserved for them to all sit together during the funeral. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to look back and see that group of friends sitting there together. We love those friends and always will. We all have a very special bond.
It was almost time for the service to start. People were still lined up at the door to see us but we had to cut it short because of time. Chad, Caleb and I went up to Chandler to say our final goodbyes. How are we going to do this? After this, I'll never see Chandler again this side of heaven. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want them to close the casket. It just isn't right to have to be doing this. I laid over Chandler's body and just held him and cried. I love him so much that it hurts. He was my first born child. I don't want to walk away from his body. I don't want to stop holding his hand. But, I have to. I lean over and kiss his face and tell him I love him and then I have to leave so that they can close the casket. Before they closed the casket, they took Chandler's hat off and replaced it with an Alabama hat that his Poppy brought for him. I wanted to keep his favorite hat with me. So, the funeral director did that and brought me Chandler's hat and I held it with me the rest of the time.
We enter the sanctuary again with all of the family and sit down for the service. The service was beautiful. Chandler's friend, Zack, prepared a slide show so we were able to look at tons of pictures of Chandler as well as his art work during the service. We had perfect music. The Newsboys song "No Grave" was the first song played. "Temporary Home" was toward the middle of the service and "In the hands of God" finished out the service. Pastor Pete Schemm and Pastor Kyle Osborne led the service. We also had a time where people could share things about Chandler. This was such a sweet time. It was so nice to hear different ones talk about Chandler and things that they knew about him and remembered about him. Some of our Seminary friends shared things they remembered and you couldn't help but smile when they said the things that they did as we remembered our days together.
After the service was over, we had to prepare to drive over to the cemetery for the service there. We got there, sat in the chairs right in front of the casket and the pall bearers brought the casket over. We had very special pall bearers picked out for Chandler. We had his brother Caleb. We asked Caleb if he wanted to be one first. I wasn't going to make him do anything he didn't want to do. He said he wanted to do it. It was so beautiful and sad to see him there carrying Chandler. The other pall bearers were Nick Smith, Zach Leet, Josh McKinney, Justin Obenchain, Jay Jones and Rob Eanes.
Pastor Schemm and Pastor Osborne shared some scripture there at the grave. This is where Pastor Schemm discussed the scripture 1 Thess. 4:16-17. After they finished up there we stood and walked over to the side where there was a dove waiting to be released. The man asked if I wanted to be the one to release it and I said "yes". I stood beside him while he held the dove. He showed me what to do to release the dove. He spoke a minute and then I placed my hands on each side of the dove's belly. I held the dove up, gave a slight shove as I released it. It was beautiful and so emotional. After the dove was released, Chad closed the service in prayer which was a perfect ending to the service at the grave. Afterwards, everyone stayed for a while, hugged us and loved on us. Then, we had to leave. We went back to the house and had our family, Seminary friends and other friends come back to the house to visit and eat.
The time with friends that evening was so good. I don't know that I could have made it through the rest of the day if we had been alone. All of the people around me helped me get through the evening after Chandler's funeral.
Our friends, Frank & Crissy spent the night with us. As tired as we all were, we didn't go to bed until about 1:30 am. It was just so nice to be with such special people.
More planning & Family arrives
Nov. 17, 2010. Today we had to get up and get ready to go take care of more business. It is so hard to plan a funeral for your child. Yesterday was difficult and tiring. I told Chad that I wanted to hurry and get finished today and just get home. I just wanted to be home. Allen and Pat were still here so they stayed with the kids for us to go finish making arrangements. We hadn't bought a plot yet at the cemetery so that was the first thing we had to do.
We rode out to the cemetery. The whole time we were driving, I was just hoping we would never get there. I dreaded doing what we were about to do. We arrived and went in. We went in a small room, sat at a round table and talked with a man about purchasing a plot. All around the walls of the room were grave markers that you could choose from. They have names, dates and pictures on them to advertise what they have. It's so depressing. The man tells us about the cemetery. They have different sections from where you can choose your plot. Each section has it's own name. We left the room and got in his van and he drove us around the cemetery to look at the different sections so that we could choose what we wanted. I can't believe I'm having to do this. It just seems so surreal. Am I really picking out a cemetery plot for my 16 yr. old son? How did this happen? I just wanted to pick out a plot for myself and have them put me in it.
It really didn't take long for us to pick a spot. One of the sections is called the Garden of the Resurrection. Once we heard the name, we picked it. For us, it was perfect. It's what our hope is in - the Resurrection! That's the day we're looking forward to. It's what my favorite verse refers to - 1 Thess. 4:16-17. So, it was decided. We went back to the office to do paper work and then we were finished.
Then next on the agenda was to go to the florist and pick out a casket spray. We arrive, go in and tell the lady what we need. She showed us a book to look through with pictures of different sprays. So, we started looking. I really didn't think this would be hard to do. It turns out that it wasn't. There were so many sprays that didn't fit Chandler. They looked too feminine or delicate. I mean I'm searching for flowers to put on my 16 yr. old sons casket. He could care less about flowers. I continued to look through the book and I soon saw one that would work. I told Chad, "that's it". It was fall colors which was perfect because we were in the month of November. It wasn't feminine looking. It would be beautiful on the oak casket. It seemed to fit Chandler. I didn't think it would look out of the ordinary for him. So, we finished up business there and finally were able to go home.
We got home and soon after that my family arrived. They had been traveling from Alabama since yesterday. They drove half way, got some rest and finished the trip today. It was so good to see them. My daddy, mama, granny, sister and brother-n-law were finally here and I was so happy to see them. I just hated that I was seeing them under these circumstances. We all hugged and cried for a while. Then we spent the rest of the day together right here at the house.
We rode out to the cemetery. The whole time we were driving, I was just hoping we would never get there. I dreaded doing what we were about to do. We arrived and went in. We went in a small room, sat at a round table and talked with a man about purchasing a plot. All around the walls of the room were grave markers that you could choose from. They have names, dates and pictures on them to advertise what they have. It's so depressing. The man tells us about the cemetery. They have different sections from where you can choose your plot. Each section has it's own name. We left the room and got in his van and he drove us around the cemetery to look at the different sections so that we could choose what we wanted. I can't believe I'm having to do this. It just seems so surreal. Am I really picking out a cemetery plot for my 16 yr. old son? How did this happen? I just wanted to pick out a plot for myself and have them put me in it.
It really didn't take long for us to pick a spot. One of the sections is called the Garden of the Resurrection. Once we heard the name, we picked it. For us, it was perfect. It's what our hope is in - the Resurrection! That's the day we're looking forward to. It's what my favorite verse refers to - 1 Thess. 4:16-17. So, it was decided. We went back to the office to do paper work and then we were finished.
Then next on the agenda was to go to the florist and pick out a casket spray. We arrive, go in and tell the lady what we need. She showed us a book to look through with pictures of different sprays. So, we started looking. I really didn't think this would be hard to do. It turns out that it wasn't. There were so many sprays that didn't fit Chandler. They looked too feminine or delicate. I mean I'm searching for flowers to put on my 16 yr. old sons casket. He could care less about flowers. I continued to look through the book and I soon saw one that would work. I told Chad, "that's it". It was fall colors which was perfect because we were in the month of November. It wasn't feminine looking. It would be beautiful on the oak casket. It seemed to fit Chandler. I didn't think it would look out of the ordinary for him. So, we finished up business there and finally were able to go home.
We got home and soon after that my family arrived. They had been traveling from Alabama since yesterday. They drove half way, got some rest and finished the trip today. It was so good to see them. My daddy, mama, granny, sister and brother-n-law were finally here and I was so happy to see them. I just hated that I was seeing them under these circumstances. We all hugged and cried for a while. Then we spent the rest of the day together right here at the house.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Planning a Funeral
Nov. 16, 2010. We have a meeting today with Pastor Pete and Pastor Kyle to plan the funeral. After meeting with them, we have to go to the funeral home and do business there. Pat and Allen are staying home with the kids. Pat is helping with laundry and stuff. What a blessing!
We all met in Pete's office. We talked a bit and planned the schedule for the service. One of the things we wrestled with was Chandler's burial. We're not from Roanoke. We've moved a few times over the course of our marriage. It's possible, we'll move again. The thought of burying my child here and then me not be here forever just breaks my heart. I was considering cremation. I could have him with me at all times. I can take him wherever we go. Chad had already talked to Pete about the issue and he wanted me to hear what he thought. Pete wasn't telling us what to do. He would respect whatever decision we made. I just needed to hear his thoughts on the issue and then we would make a decision. Pete explained how important it was that whatever we do exemplify the gospel. He reiterated that Chandler would not be in an urn of ashes and so the idea of having him close to us by keeping ashes in an urn was not a legitimate thought. He explained that the best illustration of the gospel is seen in putting his physical body in the ground with the hope of resurrection.
Pete asked if we had any special scripture we wanted to be used at the service. I immediately thought of some verses that have been very meaningful to me since I lost my Papa Thompson in 1997. It comes from 1Thess. 4:16-17. "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord."
Well, if these verses are as meaningful to me as I say they are, then they are helping me to make the decision. I have hope in the resurrection. I can vision my 2 Papa's, my Nanny and Chandler being risen first. Oh, what a beautiful vision that is. Then, those of us who are alive and remain will be brought up with them. My decision is made. We'll bury Chandler in Roanoke.
We wrapped things up and headed over to the funeral home. Oh, how I dreaded this. We got there and met with the funeral director. We talked about funeral arrangements. It came to the time where we had to pick out a casket. How do you walk in a room of caskets and pick one out for your 16 yr. old son? The doors were opened and we walked in. The man left Chad and I alone to look around and make a decision. We picked one. It was beautiful. I believe it was made of oak. It was very neat looking and fitting for a young man.
I'm amazed that I made it through this. Once again, the Lord numbed me to get through it all. I just knew that I would cry the entire time and I didn't shed a tear. It's amazing what the Lord will do to help you get through some tough times.
Later in the evening I knew that we had to pick out some music for the funeral service. I wanted to listen to some songs first before I decided. On Friday, Nov. 12, I had bought just a few Christmas presents. One of those presents just happened to be one for Chandler. It was a CD that he requested by the Newsboys titled In the Hands of God. I had never listened to the CD but because of the title I wanted to go through and listen to some of the songs. I read the song titles and a few stood out. I chose the first one I wanted to listen to. It was titled "No Grave". I put it into the computer and sat there and listened as I read the words. I immediately started crying. The song was perfect. The other song I wanted to listen to was titled "In the Hands of God". I started listening and the words were amazing. They were perfect. The neat thing was Chandler picked out his own songs for his service. If he hadn't requested the CD as a gift, I wouldn't have thought to purchase this particular CD. And the fact that I had purchased this particular gift the day before the accident was just amazing. Caleb wanted one other song played at the funeral. He wanted Carrie Underwood's "Temporary Home" so we added that to the program. The words to the Newsboys songs are posted below.
Soon after picking the songs, I received a phone call. It was about 9:15 pm. I didn't recognize the phone number and I usually won't answer the phone if I don't know who it is. But, the area code was 205 which means they are calling from Alabama. Well, I'll answer an Alabama call. I answered the call. The lady on the other end asked for me. She said she was Sherrie Burgess. I knew immediately who she was. She and her husband had lost their 2 1/2 yr. old son in Feb. 2008. We talked for over an hour. She shared with me scripture that had helped her get through her grieving process. I took notes as she talked. It was so good to talk to her. There is one thing I've learned on this journey so far and that is that it is comforting to hear from those who have already traveled this horrible path. They "know" what we're going through. They "know" the feelings, thoughts, fear, loneliness, etc. that we experience. If you haven't lost a child, you just don't know. You can try and imagine but you can not really imagine what it's like. So, to have those that "know" talk to you, send you a note, call you, hug you, etc - well, it means everything. I was so thankful to hear from her that night. Since that night, there have been many more grieving parents who have contacted me and each and every one is very dear to me.
No Grave lyrics
Lay my body down on Mercy Street
Or deep beneath the darkest seas
Lay my body six feet under down in Old
Noarlunga
Right beneath the ghost gum trees
Doesn’t matter where
You won’t find me there
No grave
Gonna hold my spirit down
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
Lord knows they’ll never keep me in the ground
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
It’s alright mama, now don’t be sad
It’s alright, don’t cry for me
They can lock my flesh and bones up until kingdom come
But my spirit will be free
It doesn’t matter where
You won’t find me there
It’s a dead end search
It’s a nowhere thread
Looking for the living down among the dead
No devil in hell
No angel above
Can separate the saints from the love of God
We have followed fragile dreams
But only One could take the measure of our goals
And we've stumbled over the trials of life
And we've wrestled the unseen
But only One can calm the storm inside our souls
In the hands of God we will fall
Rest for the restless, and the weary
Hope for the sinner
In the hands of God we stand tall
Hands that are mighty to deliver
Giving us freedom
When our strength gave way to the weight of guilt
'Til we strained for every breath
Only One could lift our shame and make us well
And when all is finished and we face
The fearsome power of death
Only One has overcome the gates of hell
You're amazing
You're amazing, You are
And we praise You, Lord
For what Your hands have done
We all met in Pete's office. We talked a bit and planned the schedule for the service. One of the things we wrestled with was Chandler's burial. We're not from Roanoke. We've moved a few times over the course of our marriage. It's possible, we'll move again. The thought of burying my child here and then me not be here forever just breaks my heart. I was considering cremation. I could have him with me at all times. I can take him wherever we go. Chad had already talked to Pete about the issue and he wanted me to hear what he thought. Pete wasn't telling us what to do. He would respect whatever decision we made. I just needed to hear his thoughts on the issue and then we would make a decision. Pete explained how important it was that whatever we do exemplify the gospel. He reiterated that Chandler would not be in an urn of ashes and so the idea of having him close to us by keeping ashes in an urn was not a legitimate thought. He explained that the best illustration of the gospel is seen in putting his physical body in the ground with the hope of resurrection.
Pete asked if we had any special scripture we wanted to be used at the service. I immediately thought of some verses that have been very meaningful to me since I lost my Papa Thompson in 1997. It comes from 1Thess. 4:16-17. "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord."
Well, if these verses are as meaningful to me as I say they are, then they are helping me to make the decision. I have hope in the resurrection. I can vision my 2 Papa's, my Nanny and Chandler being risen first. Oh, what a beautiful vision that is. Then, those of us who are alive and remain will be brought up with them. My decision is made. We'll bury Chandler in Roanoke.
We wrapped things up and headed over to the funeral home. Oh, how I dreaded this. We got there and met with the funeral director. We talked about funeral arrangements. It came to the time where we had to pick out a casket. How do you walk in a room of caskets and pick one out for your 16 yr. old son? The doors were opened and we walked in. The man left Chad and I alone to look around and make a decision. We picked one. It was beautiful. I believe it was made of oak. It was very neat looking and fitting for a young man.
I'm amazed that I made it through this. Once again, the Lord numbed me to get through it all. I just knew that I would cry the entire time and I didn't shed a tear. It's amazing what the Lord will do to help you get through some tough times.
Later in the evening I knew that we had to pick out some music for the funeral service. I wanted to listen to some songs first before I decided. On Friday, Nov. 12, I had bought just a few Christmas presents. One of those presents just happened to be one for Chandler. It was a CD that he requested by the Newsboys titled In the Hands of God. I had never listened to the CD but because of the title I wanted to go through and listen to some of the songs. I read the song titles and a few stood out. I chose the first one I wanted to listen to. It was titled "No Grave". I put it into the computer and sat there and listened as I read the words. I immediately started crying. The song was perfect. The other song I wanted to listen to was titled "In the Hands of God". I started listening and the words were amazing. They were perfect. The neat thing was Chandler picked out his own songs for his service. If he hadn't requested the CD as a gift, I wouldn't have thought to purchase this particular CD. And the fact that I had purchased this particular gift the day before the accident was just amazing. Caleb wanted one other song played at the funeral. He wanted Carrie Underwood's "Temporary Home" so we added that to the program. The words to the Newsboys songs are posted below.
Soon after picking the songs, I received a phone call. It was about 9:15 pm. I didn't recognize the phone number and I usually won't answer the phone if I don't know who it is. But, the area code was 205 which means they are calling from Alabama. Well, I'll answer an Alabama call. I answered the call. The lady on the other end asked for me. She said she was Sherrie Burgess. I knew immediately who she was. She and her husband had lost their 2 1/2 yr. old son in Feb. 2008. We talked for over an hour. She shared with me scripture that had helped her get through her grieving process. I took notes as she talked. It was so good to talk to her. There is one thing I've learned on this journey so far and that is that it is comforting to hear from those who have already traveled this horrible path. They "know" what we're going through. They "know" the feelings, thoughts, fear, loneliness, etc. that we experience. If you haven't lost a child, you just don't know. You can try and imagine but you can not really imagine what it's like. So, to have those that "know" talk to you, send you a note, call you, hug you, etc - well, it means everything. I was so thankful to hear from her that night. Since that night, there have been many more grieving parents who have contacted me and each and every one is very dear to me.
No Grave lyrics
Lay my body down on Mercy Street
Or deep beneath the darkest seas
Lay my body six feet under down in Old
Noarlunga
Right beneath the ghost gum trees
Doesn’t matter where
You won’t find me there
No grave
Gonna hold my spirit down
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
Lord knows they’ll never keep me in the ground
Ain’t no grave
Hold my spirit down
It’s alright mama, now don’t be sad
It’s alright, don’t cry for me
They can lock my flesh and bones up until kingdom come
But my spirit will be free
It doesn’t matter where
You won’t find me there
It’s a dead end search
It’s a nowhere thread
Looking for the living down among the dead
No devil in hell
No angel above
Can separate the saints from the love of God
In The Hands Of God Lyrics
We have raised our hopes and our cities highWe have followed fragile dreams
But only One could take the measure of our goals
And we've stumbled over the trials of life
And we've wrestled the unseen
But only One can calm the storm inside our souls
In the hands of God we will fall
Rest for the restless, and the weary
Hope for the sinner
In the hands of God we stand tall
Hands that are mighty to deliver
Giving us freedom
When our strength gave way to the weight of guilt
'Til we strained for every breath
Only One could lift our shame and make us well
And when all is finished and we face
The fearsome power of death
Only One has overcome the gates of hell
You're amazing
You're amazing, You are
And we praise You, Lord
For what Your hands have done
The First Day
Nov. 15, 2010. It's our first full day at home without Chandler. It's the first time I wake up in the morning and realize one of my children are missing. Chandler was usually up before any of the other kids. He went straight to the bathroom to shower. Then, he would go to the kitchen and make his breakfast and chocolate milk. They didn't like the ready made chocolate milk. I have to buy Hershey's syrup and they make it themselves. Well, I don't hear Chandler in the kitchen and I miss that. I could always count on hearing his noise in the morning.
We just stayed home today. People came all day delivering food, paper products, etc. for us. We have been amazed at the love that has been poured out on us during this time.
I didn't sleep good the night before. My mind just wouldn't stop thinking. I just kept going over everything that had happened. I kept thinking of Chandler and seeing him in my mind. But, my friend Kathy showed up again today to visit for a minute and bring us some stuff. I hadn't talked to her about how I had slept yet. Would you believe she brought me some over the counter sleep aid pills? I didn't have to ask her. She just knew. I have some great friends!
We just stayed home today. People came all day delivering food, paper products, etc. for us. We have been amazed at the love that has been poured out on us during this time.
I didn't sleep good the night before. My mind just wouldn't stop thinking. I just kept going over everything that had happened. I kept thinking of Chandler and seeing him in my mind. But, my friend Kathy showed up again today to visit for a minute and bring us some stuff. I hadn't talked to her about how I had slept yet. Would you believe she brought me some over the counter sleep aid pills? I didn't have to ask her. She just knew. I have some great friends!
Our Life is Changed Forever
It's November 14, 2010. We've been in the hospital all night and a new day has begun. Soon, the sun will rise. After staying in Chandler's room for a while, I decided to go back out to the waiting area for a bit. One thing that has been hard on me since I've been at the hospital is that I haven't been able to cry. I want to so badly but the tears won't come. I'm hurting because my child is hurt. I'm sad because I don't know what lies ahead. But, I can't cry and that bothers me. It's like I'm numb. I've been told it's "shock" and I'm sure it is but I sure would like to shed some tears. I get to the waiting area and just go sit on the floor against the wall and check my phone for any calls. Soon after I sit down, my phone rings. I answer it and it is one of my very special friends from our Seminary days. As soon as I hear her voice, I begin to cry. It's amazing. I'm crying. I was so thankful for that call. It was good to talk to someone that I love so dearly and she helped the tears to start coming. Sheryl, thank you so much for calling.
Chad had been resting on the couch for a few hours and he was going to get up soon, drive home long enough to shower, change clothes and bring me some stuff. I didn't want to leave the hospital. Chad took Alex with him for company.
Our pastor, Pete Schemm, came to the hospital that morning prior to heading over to the church. Nov. 14 is a Sunday. I took him back to see Chandler. He let Chad and I know that he wasn't going to do the traditional Sunday morning service. He was going to do things differently because of what was going on with Chandler.
The Schemm's had carried Corben and Carlie home with them to stay the night while we were in the hospital. We called Vicki Sunday morning to see if she could bring the kids to the hospital by noon.
Chad and I went back to be with Chandler. We were told that when the shift change was over, they would be running some tests on Chandler to determine brain activity. He wasn't showing much of that and they believed that there was an amount of time that he stopped breathing at the site of the accident which can cause damage. So, we waited on the shift to change and for them to start these tests. There are different tests they can do and if you fail 2 out 3 in Virginia then you are declared to be brain dead. All I could think was "Chandler, please pass these tests". The tests would also be done over a course of a few hours. One of the tests is where they open the patients eye lid and touch their eye. Most people would flinch or you would see some type of movement. In another test, they pour ice cold water in your ear. They say that most people would go crazy when ice cold water goes into the ear. Chandler didn't flinch when they did the water test to his ear. It also didn't phase him when they touched his eye. At one point, they took him off the ventilator to see if his brain would say "okay, Chandler, you need to breathe on your own." They took him off for 8 minutes and nothing happened. So, at about 1:30 pm, Chandler was declared brain dead. That is not something you want to hear. I stood there beside him looking at him. How can he be dead? His chest is moving. It looks like he's breathing. Of course, that's because the machines are doing it for him. How do you say goodbye to your child? How can I let him go? How does our family go on when a huge part of us is missing? He's my first born child. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. Why is this happening? So many questions and no answers! By the time Chandler was declared dead, the church service was over and so many people had come straight to the hospital. There was a waiting room full of people. Chad and I were still back with Chandler. Our Pastor was going to go get the kids for us so that we could talk to them about what had happened. The kids were in the waiting area with everyone else. While we were talking with the kids, Pete went to share the news with everyone that was there in the waiting area to make it easier on us. After we talked with the kids for a while, we went to see all of the great people who showed up to support us. There were lots of hugs and tears. Another one of our special Seminary friends had finally arrived. He drove from Georgia to be with us. It was so good to see Steven's face. For the next few hours, we just visited with friends who came there to the hospital to be with us.
One of the things we had to decide while we were there was did we want to donate Chandler's organs. Because he didn't have his driver's license yet, he had not had the opportunity to make that decision. We thought about it long and hard. We talked about it. A part of me didn't want them to touch Chandler any more. But, then, I also tried to put myself in another mom's shoes. What if one of my children needed an organ transplant? I would be hoping for a phone call. We know personally of a family that lives here in our area that is going through that. Their 7 yr. old son needs a full organ transplant. So, that pretty much made our decision for us. We decided to donate Chandler's vital organs. So, we had to get that paper work taken care of before we left the hospital. His organs would be taken the following day, Nov. 15.
At around 4:00 pm, we decided we needed to get home. That was hard for me to do. Not only am I going home without one of my children, but I'm also leaving a child behind at the hospital. He had to be kept on the ventilator until his organs were taken. We walked down to the parking garage. Once we got there, we realized that we didn't have any keys to get into the van. Chad had left his in the floor of the van. He had used my keys to drive home earlier to get a shower. So, what did he do with my keys? He realized that Alex had them. Where was she? She had already left and was driving back to Virginia Beach. Thank goodness our friend Steven was here with us. We left my van there until Chad could get it the next day. My family piled into Steven's car and he took us home, but only after he stopped by Applebee's and bought tons of food to feed us all. Steven, we're so thankful you were here. You're awesome and we love you dearly!
We arrived home and Chad's mom and step dad were in the driveway. They had been traveling all day to get here to us. Steven was staying the night and driving back home the next day.
We walk into our house for the first time without Chandler. Our life is changed forever!
A few hours later, two very special friends, Kathy & Michelle, came by to visit with me for a while. We all sat back in my room and talked and cried and even laughed some. You can't hang out with them and not laugh!
Chad had been resting on the couch for a few hours and he was going to get up soon, drive home long enough to shower, change clothes and bring me some stuff. I didn't want to leave the hospital. Chad took Alex with him for company.
Our pastor, Pete Schemm, came to the hospital that morning prior to heading over to the church. Nov. 14 is a Sunday. I took him back to see Chandler. He let Chad and I know that he wasn't going to do the traditional Sunday morning service. He was going to do things differently because of what was going on with Chandler.
The Schemm's had carried Corben and Carlie home with them to stay the night while we were in the hospital. We called Vicki Sunday morning to see if she could bring the kids to the hospital by noon.
Chad and I went back to be with Chandler. We were told that when the shift change was over, they would be running some tests on Chandler to determine brain activity. He wasn't showing much of that and they believed that there was an amount of time that he stopped breathing at the site of the accident which can cause damage. So, we waited on the shift to change and for them to start these tests. There are different tests they can do and if you fail 2 out 3 in Virginia then you are declared to be brain dead. All I could think was "Chandler, please pass these tests". The tests would also be done over a course of a few hours. One of the tests is where they open the patients eye lid and touch their eye. Most people would flinch or you would see some type of movement. In another test, they pour ice cold water in your ear. They say that most people would go crazy when ice cold water goes into the ear. Chandler didn't flinch when they did the water test to his ear. It also didn't phase him when they touched his eye. At one point, they took him off the ventilator to see if his brain would say "okay, Chandler, you need to breathe on your own." They took him off for 8 minutes and nothing happened. So, at about 1:30 pm, Chandler was declared brain dead. That is not something you want to hear. I stood there beside him looking at him. How can he be dead? His chest is moving. It looks like he's breathing. Of course, that's because the machines are doing it for him. How do you say goodbye to your child? How can I let him go? How does our family go on when a huge part of us is missing? He's my first born child. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. Why is this happening? So many questions and no answers! By the time Chandler was declared dead, the church service was over and so many people had come straight to the hospital. There was a waiting room full of people. Chad and I were still back with Chandler. Our Pastor was going to go get the kids for us so that we could talk to them about what had happened. The kids were in the waiting area with everyone else. While we were talking with the kids, Pete went to share the news with everyone that was there in the waiting area to make it easier on us. After we talked with the kids for a while, we went to see all of the great people who showed up to support us. There were lots of hugs and tears. Another one of our special Seminary friends had finally arrived. He drove from Georgia to be with us. It was so good to see Steven's face. For the next few hours, we just visited with friends who came there to the hospital to be with us.
One of the things we had to decide while we were there was did we want to donate Chandler's organs. Because he didn't have his driver's license yet, he had not had the opportunity to make that decision. We thought about it long and hard. We talked about it. A part of me didn't want them to touch Chandler any more. But, then, I also tried to put myself in another mom's shoes. What if one of my children needed an organ transplant? I would be hoping for a phone call. We know personally of a family that lives here in our area that is going through that. Their 7 yr. old son needs a full organ transplant. So, that pretty much made our decision for us. We decided to donate Chandler's vital organs. So, we had to get that paper work taken care of before we left the hospital. His organs would be taken the following day, Nov. 15.
At around 4:00 pm, we decided we needed to get home. That was hard for me to do. Not only am I going home without one of my children, but I'm also leaving a child behind at the hospital. He had to be kept on the ventilator until his organs were taken. We walked down to the parking garage. Once we got there, we realized that we didn't have any keys to get into the van. Chad had left his in the floor of the van. He had used my keys to drive home earlier to get a shower. So, what did he do with my keys? He realized that Alex had them. Where was she? She had already left and was driving back to Virginia Beach. Thank goodness our friend Steven was here with us. We left my van there until Chad could get it the next day. My family piled into Steven's car and he took us home, but only after he stopped by Applebee's and bought tons of food to feed us all. Steven, we're so thankful you were here. You're awesome and we love you dearly!
We arrived home and Chad's mom and step dad were in the driveway. They had been traveling all day to get here to us. Steven was staying the night and driving back home the next day.
We walk into our house for the first time without Chandler. Our life is changed forever!
A few hours later, two very special friends, Kathy & Michelle, came by to visit with me for a while. We all sat back in my room and talked and cried and even laughed some. You can't hang out with them and not laugh!
Monday, December 20, 2010
The Accident
Saturday, November 13, 2010 started out as just a normal day. We all got up, ate breakfast or had coffee and started getting ready for the day. Chad had a golf outing planned. Chandler and Caleb had a fun day planned with the McKinney family. They were going to ride dirt bikes and then go back to the house for some fun with friends. Corben, Carlie and I were just planning to hang out at home. Chad left about 10:45 to take Chandler and Caleb to Anna's house before he had to meet for golfing. As they walked out, I said "be careful". When they left, I sat on the couch and messed around on the computer for a while. I started thinking how nice it would be to go buy me something new to wear. But, I don't like shopping with the kids. So, why would I even consider it? I kept debating it in my head. For some reason, I decided I would give it a try. So, I started to get the kids and I dressed and ready to go out. We got to the mall about 2:00 that day. At around 3:30, my phone rang. I answered and it was Chad. He said that he was finished golfing. He also said that Caleb had called and said that Chandler had been in an accident. He didn't know any details. He just knew that they had called an ambulance to take him to the hospital. Immediately, my heart started racing. We hung up the phone and I started preparing to leave the mall and meet Chad at the ER. Chad called back and said he spoke to someone at the ER and they said that if Chandler was being brought to Lewis Gale Hospital then that was a good thing. The other hospital in town is where you're taken if things are more serious. So, we felt some relief. I got in the van to leave the mall and Chad called again. He said he found out Chandler was headed to the other hospital (Roanoke Memorial). When he said that, I knew it was more serious than we thought. I didn't know how to get to that hospital so I met him at a local garage that a church member owns so that Chad could leave his truck there and we could ride together. Soon after we found out he was going to a different hospital, we also found out that he was being air lifted. Hearing that news was horrible. To be air lifted is never a good sign.
We finally got to the ER. We went in, checked in and they said that Chandler had already been there about 8 minutes. So, we sat down to wait. Caleb wasn't there yet. He was still in route with the McKinney family. We were sitting for only a few minutes when a couple of ladies approached us. They were hospital Chaplains. That was upsetting. First of all, we haven't even seen Chandler yet. And, now we're being approached by Chaplains. That's not a good sign either. Chad told him they weren't needed. He let them know that he was a Minister himself. Soon after, a lady put us in a room outside of the regular ER waiting room so that we could have some privacy. We went in there and sat and waited to hear any information they could share with us.
We finally got some information. Chandler had a badly broken leg, broken shoulder blade, a pretty minor gash on his head, punctured lung. We also found out that the EMT's had to resuscitate and intubate him. He was also unconscious. They were still doing tests on him so we couldn't see him yet.
Friends started showing up at the hospital to support us. Caleb and the McKinneys finally arrived. It was so good to see them. They finally came to get me and Chad to take us back to see Chandler. He was still in the ER at this time so when we walked through there were other patients and curtains separating the areas. We got to Chandler's room. We walked in and saw him. He was just laying there, like he was sleeping. He was covered with blankets. He had a tube coming out of his mouth that was helping him breathe. His hair was dirty. I could still see dirt and grass on the back side of his neck at his pillow. I just wanted him to open his eyes so that I would know he was going to be okay. It was so hard to see him like that, knowing that he's so badly hurt and there is nothing I can do about it. A Mama is supposed to be able to help her children. The doctors and nurses talked to us a little bit about his condition. Nothing sounded good. They were trying to get him to another room and out of ER. We left him and went back to our ER waiting room while we waited on them to get him moved to another area. About an hour later, they had him moved so they took us and all of the people there with us to the 9th floor waiting area. We couldn't go see Chandler again yet because they were still getting him set up in the new area.
By this time, there were already so many wonderful people who were at the hospital with us. It was so encouraging to us to have so many people around us at such a horrible time in our lives.
We were finally called and told that we could come see Chandler. He was taken to the 9th floor to the Neuro/Trauma ICU so we walked through the big doors, past all of the other rooms to his room. We walked in. He was covered in a big blow up kind of blanket to keep him warm. His head was cleaned up so he looked a lot better. You couldn't see the dirt anymore. He just looked like he was sleeping. We stood by him, touched him and talked to him. I told him how much I loved him as well as the rest of his family. For the rest of the night, we could come in and out to be with him. When we weren't with Chandler, we would sit in the waiting area with all of our wonderful friends. In the middle of the night, we tried to get some rest there in the waiting area. Chad rested a little but I could not go to sleep. My eyes just kept going from watching the clock to the TV. I finally decided about 3:00 am that I wanted to go spend some time with Chandler. So, I headed back there by myself. When I got to him, I was happy to find that David and Connie McKinney were in there with him. They were sitting with him, talking to him, praying and reading scripture aloud. I can't tell you how happy I was to see them in there. We love the McKinney family and I loved that they were in his room and Chandler wasn't alone. They stayed with me for a while. I just pulled a chair up beside Chandler's bed. I put my hand on his arm and just held him and looked at him for an hour. Connie sat in there and read scripture aloud while I was there. It was a sweet time. They had also taken the blankets off of Chandler. So, he was just laying there in his hospital gown. His legs and arms were exposed and he looked so much better. It made me hopeful. Also, since his arms were now exposed, I saw that he still had his bracelet on. He's worn one of those rubber bracelets on his arm for about 2 years. He never takes it off. It says "Jesus loves me". It was so good to see it. It also reminded me of how much Jesus does love Chandler and it showed Chandler's love for Jesus. Here he is 16 years old and he's not ashamed to wear a "Jesus loves me" bracelet.
We finally got to the ER. We went in, checked in and they said that Chandler had already been there about 8 minutes. So, we sat down to wait. Caleb wasn't there yet. He was still in route with the McKinney family. We were sitting for only a few minutes when a couple of ladies approached us. They were hospital Chaplains. That was upsetting. First of all, we haven't even seen Chandler yet. And, now we're being approached by Chaplains. That's not a good sign either. Chad told him they weren't needed. He let them know that he was a Minister himself. Soon after, a lady put us in a room outside of the regular ER waiting room so that we could have some privacy. We went in there and sat and waited to hear any information they could share with us.
We finally got some information. Chandler had a badly broken leg, broken shoulder blade, a pretty minor gash on his head, punctured lung. We also found out that the EMT's had to resuscitate and intubate him. He was also unconscious. They were still doing tests on him so we couldn't see him yet.
Friends started showing up at the hospital to support us. Caleb and the McKinneys finally arrived. It was so good to see them. They finally came to get me and Chad to take us back to see Chandler. He was still in the ER at this time so when we walked through there were other patients and curtains separating the areas. We got to Chandler's room. We walked in and saw him. He was just laying there, like he was sleeping. He was covered with blankets. He had a tube coming out of his mouth that was helping him breathe. His hair was dirty. I could still see dirt and grass on the back side of his neck at his pillow. I just wanted him to open his eyes so that I would know he was going to be okay. It was so hard to see him like that, knowing that he's so badly hurt and there is nothing I can do about it. A Mama is supposed to be able to help her children. The doctors and nurses talked to us a little bit about his condition. Nothing sounded good. They were trying to get him to another room and out of ER. We left him and went back to our ER waiting room while we waited on them to get him moved to another area. About an hour later, they had him moved so they took us and all of the people there with us to the 9th floor waiting area. We couldn't go see Chandler again yet because they were still getting him set up in the new area.
By this time, there were already so many wonderful people who were at the hospital with us. It was so encouraging to us to have so many people around us at such a horrible time in our lives.
We were finally called and told that we could come see Chandler. He was taken to the 9th floor to the Neuro/Trauma ICU so we walked through the big doors, past all of the other rooms to his room. We walked in. He was covered in a big blow up kind of blanket to keep him warm. His head was cleaned up so he looked a lot better. You couldn't see the dirt anymore. He just looked like he was sleeping. We stood by him, touched him and talked to him. I told him how much I loved him as well as the rest of his family. For the rest of the night, we could come in and out to be with him. When we weren't with Chandler, we would sit in the waiting area with all of our wonderful friends. In the middle of the night, we tried to get some rest there in the waiting area. Chad rested a little but I could not go to sleep. My eyes just kept going from watching the clock to the TV. I finally decided about 3:00 am that I wanted to go spend some time with Chandler. So, I headed back there by myself. When I got to him, I was happy to find that David and Connie McKinney were in there with him. They were sitting with him, talking to him, praying and reading scripture aloud. I can't tell you how happy I was to see them in there. We love the McKinney family and I loved that they were in his room and Chandler wasn't alone. They stayed with me for a while. I just pulled a chair up beside Chandler's bed. I put my hand on his arm and just held him and looked at him for an hour. Connie sat in there and read scripture aloud while I was there. It was a sweet time. They had also taken the blankets off of Chandler. So, he was just laying there in his hospital gown. His legs and arms were exposed and he looked so much better. It made me hopeful. Also, since his arms were now exposed, I saw that he still had his bracelet on. He's worn one of those rubber bracelets on his arm for about 2 years. He never takes it off. It says "Jesus loves me". It was so good to see it. It also reminded me of how much Jesus does love Chandler and it showed Chandler's love for Jesus. Here he is 16 years old and he's not ashamed to wear a "Jesus loves me" bracelet.
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