Before I ever woke up this morning, my phone made the noise that it does when I receive a text. I heard it but continued to lay there in bed. Soon after, Corben brought me my phone. He was already awake and he had heard it as well. I opened my phone to read the text. It was from one of my very special Seminary friends who has also lost a son. She had been thinking of me and praying for me. Before I ever got out of bed this morning, I was being prayed for. And it was from someone who "knows" the pain I'm in. I can't tell you how grateful I was for her. I am so thankful for everyone who continues to pray for our family. But, my friend's text yesterday morning could not have come at a more perfect time. What a way to wake up!
So I got out of bed and started to get ready for the day. I wanted us to go out as a family and do something. It didn't have to be much. Just a little something to try and distract us in some way. Otherwise, I would sit at home and just think about the "anniversary" that it is and rehash everything that happened 2 months ago.
Before we left, I sat and read through my devotion for the day. It's a yearly devotional book and the one for today (Jan. 14) fit perfectly. It's a little long but I want to put it here for me to keep. It is a part of this "2 month anniversary" that I'm having to deal with.
January 14
When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them. (John 10:4)
This is intensely difficult work for Him and us - it is difficult for us to go, but equally difficult for Him to cause us pain. Yet it must be done. It would not be in our best interest to always remain in one happy and comfortable location. Therefore He moves us forward. The shepherd leaves the fold so the sheep will move onto the vitalizing mountain slopes. In the same way, laborers must be driven out into the harvest, or else the golden grain would spoil.
But take heart! It could never be better to stay once He determines otherwise; if the loving hand of our Lord moves us forward, it must be best. Forward, in His name, to green pastures, quiet waters, and mountain heights! (See Ps. 23:2.) "He goes on ahead of (us)." So whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him, and the eye of faith can always discern His majestic presence out in front. When His presence cannot be seen, it is dangerous to move ahead. Comfort your heart with the fact that the Savior has Himself experienced all the trials He asks you to endure; He would not ask you to pass through them unless He was sure that the paths were not too difficult or strenuous for you.
This is the blessed life - not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time.
Dark is the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow!
Dark is life's way, for night is not yet o'er;
The longed-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow;
But, this I know and trust, HE GOES BEFORE.
Dangers are near! and fears my mind are shaking;
Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store;
But I am His - He knows the way I'm taking,
More blessed even still - HE GOES BEFORE.
Doubts cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o'er me,
Doubts that life's best - life's choicest things are o'er;
What but His Word can strengthen, can restore me,
And this blest fact; that still HE GOES BEFORE.
HE GOES BEFORE! Be this my consolation!
He goes before! On this my heart will dwell!
He goes before! This guarantees salvation!
HE GOES BEFORE! And therefore all is well.
--J. Danson Smith
The oriental shepherd always walked ahead of his sheep. He was always out in front. Any attack upon the sheep had to take him into account first. Now God is out in front. He is in our tomorrows, and it is tomorrow that fills people with fear. Yet God is already there. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass through Him before they can get to us. F. B. Meyer
God is in every tomorrow,
Therefore I live for today,
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for my way;
Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after rain.
There were so many things in this devotion that just fit for me. I am in a huge trial. I am in pain. I am not in a happy and comfortable place right now. I'm so uncomfortable I don't know what to do. But God goes before me.
I have no idea why God has chosen this path for our family. I don't know why He thought this wouldn't be too difficult or strenuous for us. I would like to argue with Him about that one. I just know that I have to take comfort in knowing that God is going before us.
The first poem is great. I can relate to it. The sky is dark, my heart dreads what life may hold in store, there are doubts of life's best in the future. But, I have to remember that HE GOES BEFORE!
I can only get through today. I can't think about tomorrow and what it has in store. I just have to know that God is in front. He is already in my tomorrow so when I get to tomorrow, I'll look for Him to get me through another day, to guide me and lead me along the way.
So, we finally left the house. Our first stop was at the jewelry store where I purchased 4 more charms for my Chandler bracelet. Then, we went to a Chinese restaurant and had lunch together. We went to Target to purchase a birthday gift for one of Corben's friends. While we were there, I told the kids to pick out something and they could have a prize for the day.
After we finished, we headed over to the cemetery to visit Chandler's grave and see his name plate that had been placed. When we got there Carlie asked if she could stay in the car. So, all of the kids waited in the car. Chad and I just stood there in silence for a while. It is so hard to visit your child's grave. His nameplate is very nice and it looks good but I shouldn't have to be standing at my son's grave to look at such a thing. I said to Chad "this sucks!" He agreed. I told him "I often think about how badly I want to have his body dug up just so I can touch him." And I cried. That's how much I miss him. I just want to feel him. I miss him so much that I feel like it would comfort me to be able to touch his dead body, his shell.
Eventually, Caleb got out of the car and joined us for a little bit. I know it's so hard for him to be there. Caleb has been so strong in all of this but I know he hurts. He misses his brother/best friend so much!
Chad and Caleb went back to the car and I stood there another minute or so. I saw a speck of dirt on the name plate and just bent down to brush it off. I'll often look at the sky for some comfort or a cloud shaped a certain way. Just hoping for a sign. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but it's what I do right now. Anyway, before I left the grave, I looked at the sky. It was beautiful, blue, and clear. To the right of me I could see the sun and then I looked to the left and there was the moon. They were both visible. It was just a peaceful looking sky as I stood at Chandler's grave. It was just something I enjoyed seeing. So, I told Chandler that I loved him and walked away.
We headed for home then. When we got home, that's when the package was at the door from LifeNet (which is written about in the previous blog). So, on this awful anniversary, we received word about Chandler's organs that were donated. If there could be a perfect day for us to receive that information, then today was it. As emotional as it was, it was so good to hear about those who received Chandler's organs.
We had plans tonight to have dinner out with friends. The kids stayed home while we went out. We had a very enjoyable evening. It just so happens that when we got to the restaurant, one of my very special friends happened to be eating their with her daughter. So, Chad and I sat with them and chatted for a while waiting on our table and for our other friends to show up. Since they were finished eating, a lady came around and told us we could just use her table. So we sat there and talked a while. Then, our friends showed up and we had such a nice time together. Our reservations were at 6:30 and we didn't leave the restaurant until 10:00. It was a very enjoyable evening.
So, God got us through the difficult day. It wasn't without tears, but we got through it. He obviously knew how hard this day would be but He showed Himself in many ways; by my friend waking me up with a text this morning, by allowing me to add to my Chandler bracelet, by having a peaceful day with the family, by giving us such a beautiful, peaceful sky at Chandler's grave, by having the LifeNet package waiting on our door step when we arrived home and by giving us great friends to enjoy an evening with. Thank you Lord!
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