Chandler's birth

Two months ago today was when Chandler went off for some fun and ended up having a horrible accident.  I can't believe it has been that long.  Time just seems to be moving right along and my son isn't here.  Honestly, I just want time to stop.  I want it all to just end because it's so hard to do things without Chandler being here.  One of the hard parts about losing a child is trying to learn how to live without them.  I don't have the motivation to do anything.  I don't care about the dishes piled up in the sink or the laundry that needs to be washed.  I don't want to cook a meal.  Does any of that stuff really matter?  What really matters to me right now is that my son is gone and I can't get him back.  I want him home with us so badly and I can't have him.  So, somehow, I have to grieve his loss and learn to live a life without him.  That is so hard because my children mean everything to me.  I love them with my whole being.  I love them more than anything else.

For some reason, Chandler's birth has come to my mind off and on the past few days.  I've had every intention of writing about his birth in his baby book.  My plans were to do all of my kids baby books exactly like I was supposed to.  Well, I failed at that.  So, since I haven't written about his birth in his book, I'm going to write about it here.  I know I'll never forget it.  It's been 16 years and I remember it as if it just happened.  But, ones day, my other children might want to know the stories of their births so I'm going to start here with Chandler's.

Chandler's due date was Oct. 31, 1994.  On November 7, he was still enjoying life in the womb.  I went to my doctor that day and we talked about his upcoming delivery.  I found out that day that my doctor was getting ready to go on vacation.  He was the only doctor in the practice and this would be my first delivery.  So, my option was to wait on Chandler to come on his own time and possibly deliver with another doctor or I could be induced.  Well, there was no way I was going to give birth to my first child with a doctor I didn't know.  I loved my doctor and I was going to stick with him.  So, we planned to arrive at midnight that night which would be November 8, to be induced.  My Mama was coming for the delivery.  She actually knew someone who had their own plane so she was flown from Alabama to Virginia in a little 4 seater plane.  She got to our house that evening so we all just rested a while before going to the hospital.


We arrived at the hospital, checked in and was taken to our room.  I got dressed in the fashionable hospital gown and we waited on the doctor to show up.  He got there and did his thing to try and get my body to deliver this baby.  By this time, Chad, my mom and Chad's mom were there with me. 



Our plans were to have a natural delivery.  No drugs, no epidural - all natural!  So, we waited for something to happen.  It was a very slow process.  I started having contractions but they were mild.  They would get more painful throughout the day but they were nothing like they should be.  Plus, I wasn't dilated to where I should be either.  Toward the afternoon of Nov. 8, everyone is tired, especially me.  We haven't had any sleep, no food and I'm having to deal with contractions.  We walked up and down the halls of the hospital trying to get things moving.  Nothing seemed to be working.  So, Chad and I talked about what to do.  We decided to go ahead and have an epidural and pitocin to make the contractions more intense in hopes of getting me dilated.


The epidural was wonderful.  That stuff started kicking in and I couldn't feel a thing.  I was able to lay there in my bed and relax.  I finally drifted off to sleep and slept the entire night.  I woke up the next morning and the doctor checked me.  We were finally getting there but we weren't quite there yet.  So, he had us cut back on the epidural so that I wouldn't be so numb and I could do some things to help this delivery along.  They had me do some different things to get the show on the road.  I won't go into too much detail because I'm not sure I want ya'll visualizing me doing such things.


The time finally came to start pushing.  By now, I'm not receiving any more epidural so that I can be able to feel and know when I need to push.  So, now the pain is more intense.  I'm feeling the contractions and they're rough!  They were having a hard time getting Chandler's head out so they ended up using a vacuum on him.  Once they did that, his head was out and soon after, his entire body.  He was born on November 9, 1994 at 9:19 a.m.  They put Chandler up on my chest for me to hold him.  He was so beautiful.  He had dark hair and it was all over the place.  He had a great complexion, ten fingers, ten toes, beautiful eyes.  He was perfect.  I remember telling my mama, even after all of the pain I had just experienced and labor and delivery which lasted 33 1/2 hours, as well as an episiotomy, "I would do it again".  And I said that right after Chandler was born. 

We were so happy and blessed to have our first child.  We named him after Chad.  His full name was Curtis Chandler Coleman, Jr.  Of course, he went by Chandler.


He was a calm, happy, ideal baby.  He ended up bringing us such joy over the next 16 years.  I am so blessed to have had him for those 16 years and the 9 months in the womb but I sure do wish I had a lot more time with him.  There are so many other things I want to do with him and experience with him.  But, since I can't have that, I will continue to remember him and the memories we do have.  I'll go back to the day of his birth and remember what a wonderful day it was.  I'll remember when they gave him to me for the first time and I looked at him and he looked up at me.  I'll remember the feeling I had that I had never had before.  The love between a mama and her child is an amazing feeling.  I had already loved him for 9 months but when I saw him, I fell hard.  I fell in love with him and knew that he had taken over my heart.  He still has my heart.