The past four days have been difficult for me. It seems like the more time that passes, the harder it gets. I have stared at Chandler's pictures so much lately. I sat here yesterday and looked at some of his videos. I miss him so much! To say "I miss him so much" doesn't even come close to the way I feel though. It's so hard to put into words the way I feel. I want to see him, hear him and touch him so badly. I want to hear him walking through the house. I want him sitting at the dinner table with us. That's one thing we don't do very often any more. We used to always sit at the dinner table together to eat. It doesn't happen much any more. I think when we're all sitting there, it's obvious to us that Chandler is missing. I bet I could count on my hands the times we've all sat at the table to eat together since Chandler's accident. Corben will usually sit in Chandler's seat but it's still noticeable. It's obvious that we're all sitting in the wrong seats because Chandler isn't here with us. It doesn't take the pain away.
I haven't had much motivation the past 2 months to get anything done. I do the bare minimum. Well, it seems the past 4 days, that has gotten even worse. I just don't care about doing anything. Of course, I have to make myself do it. It's just hard.
I believe Chad feels the same way. He tells me a lot lately that he had a bad day or he had a break down or cried the whole drive home from work. He recently told me "my cup is empty". We are both emotionally drained. Our hearts are broken and we long to have our son back with us.
I just feel so empty right now, like I just don't have anything left in me.
On another note, we received a piece of mail today from The Living Memorial Program. The funeral home that we used has planted a tree with the Forest Service, United States Department of Agriculture, in memory of Chandler. The good thing is that the tree seedling that was planted has been planted in a national forest which means the tree will grow to maturity. It won't be harvested. It will live on. I don't know how often the funeral home does that. They might do it for everyone. But, it's always very meaningful to me when I get things like this. It means a lot to me that people are willing to do things in memory of my son.
I was in Chandler's room the other day and ran across something that I had not found before. Chandler has a Chik Fil A sandwich packet in his drawer. Yes, that's right. It's the paper that the Chik Fil A sandwich is wrapped in. He used to stash his money in there to save it. Then, he would have some saved up and take it to the bank. There's no money in it now but he had folded up papers in it. So, I started looking through them. Chandler and Caleb have been on youth mission trips the past 3 years. When they are on the trips, we can't call them nor can they call us. But, they do have a system set up where you can send them notes each day. So, Chad and I would do that. Well, Chandler had saved some of those notes. But, what really touched me was the next thing I saw. When Chandler turned 13, Chad and I wrote him individual letters from us. Those letters were folded up in that sandwich wrapper. I just stood there reading those letters and bawling my eyes out. The things we wrote in those letters were perfect. I told Chad "I don't have to wonder if he knew that I loved him". He knew he was loved. I've never really doubted that because we are a close family and the love we all have for each other is obvious and we tell each other. But, when you lose a child, I think it's only natural that you wonder "did I do enough?" But, to find those letters were comforting. The fact that he kept those letters means that those letters meant something to him. I mean, he was 13 years old when we gave them to him. He could have read them and thrown them in the trash but he didn't. It just continues to show the type of person he was.
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