God is near even when I question it.

I wasn't able to go to church this morning.  I've had a cold the past few days and woke up at 2:00 in the morning coughing.  I took some medicine and tried to get back to sleep.  I laid there for a while and then heard a child walk into my room.  It was Corben.  So, I got him back to bed and then tried to get back to sleep myself.  It just didn't happen.  So, needless to say, when my alarm went off at 6:00, I was exhausted.  On top of dealing with a cough and cold, I also didn't get much sleep.  So, I told Chad I was staying home.  It's a good thing I did.  I've rested most of day and coughed a bit.  Throughout the day, I've done some thinking.  I sat here in the recliner one time today looking at some pictures we have on wall.  Chad and the kids gave me an original gift for the Christmas of 2007.  Chandler took a picture of each of us.  But the pictures are just of our eyes.  Then, they got 2 frames that hold 3 photos each and put the pictures in the frames.  I sat here today looking at how perfect this gift was.  Because of that gift, I have a close up of Chandler's beautiful eyes and to sit here and look at his eyes is just amazing.  It just seems as thought he's looking right back at me.  I am so thankful for that gift.  I can also remember when they were working on this project.  I knew they were doing something for me but I didn't know what it was and they didn't want me to know.  I remember we were in the grocery store one day and Chandler came up to me with a camera in his hand.  He wanted to take a picture of me.  Seriously?  Right now?  In the grocery store?  Yes, that's what he wanted.  So, I stood there and let him get some pictures.  Of course, later when I got the gift, I knew why he was wanting those pictures.  So, not only do I have these "eye" photos but I also have the memories of Chandler chasing me around a grocery store to get some pictures of me.  I'll never forget that day.

I've also just thought about how much I miss Chandler.  I just want so badly for all of this to be over.  Sometimes it's still so hard to believe that this is real.  This is our life now.  A life without our first born child.  It's not the life I want.  I've felt so empty lately.  I was really thankful today that I had to stay home from church.  I was planning on going.  I had clothes picked out, ironed and ready.  But, emotionally, I knew it was going to be so hard to go.  I just don't want to be around a lot of people.  I don't want to smile at people and say hello.  I don't want to answer the question "how are you?"  I don't want to hug people.  I would just rather be right here in my house.  So, it all worked out for the best for me.  I was able to have a fairly quiet, lazy day wrapped up in my quilt. 

There's so many times when I want to ask God "where are You"?  Sometimes I feel like he's abandoned me.  I want so badly for Him to show Himself to me in some way, but I'm not getting it.  So, when I read my devotion for today, it couldn't have been more perfect.  It was the reminder that I needed. 

Why, O Lord, do you stand far off?  (Psalm 10:1)

"God is . . . an ever-present help in trouble" (Ps. 46:1).  But he allows trouble to pursue us, as though He were indifferent to its overwhelming pressure, so we may be brought to the end of ourselves.  Through the trial, we are led to discover the treasure of darkness and the immeasurable wealth of tribulation.
     We may be sure that he who allows the suffering is with us throughout it.  It may be that we will only see Him once the ordeal is nearly passed, but we must dare to believe that He never leaves our trial.  Our eyes are blinded so we cannot see the One our soul loves.  The darkness and our bandages blind us so that we cannot see the form of our High Priest.  Yet He is there and is deeply touched.  Let us not rely on our feelings but trust in His unswerving faithfulness.  And though we cannot see Him, let us to talk Him.  Although His presence is veiled, once we begin to speak to Jesus as if He were literally present, an answering voice comes to show us He is in the shadow, keeping watch over His own.  Your Father is as close to you when you journey through the darkest tunnel as He is when you are under the open heaven! from Daily Devotional Commentary

Although the path be all unknown?
Although the way be drear?
Its shades I travel not alone
When steps of Yours are near.

Lord, you know that I am in a dark tunnel.  There are so many times when I feel like I'm alone.  And being along in this dark tunnel is so scary!  I wonder where You are.  I do know that You are here with me even though I don't feel You or hear You.  Please continue to stay close.  Help me to trust in You and what you're doing in my life.  Amen.