Notes from books I'm reading

Since Chandler's accident, I've been trying to read as much as I can.  I'm reading different things:  the Bible, devotional books, books written by others who have lost a child or been through a very difficult time, books on grief, etc.  I'm constantly shopping online and looking for that next book I want to purchase to read to get any help I can.  I have a certain spot that I sit at on the couch.  Beside the couch is an end table that has a book/magazine rack below it.  It is full of the books that I have collected so far to help me through this time. My spot on the couch is where I sit each day, reading and hoping for God to speak, or for a word of encouragement from someone who has "been there and done that".

Right now, I have several different things that I'm reading.  There are so many times that I'll read something and think "wow, I could have written that".  Some of the things just really hit close to home.  So, I try to mark that page so that I can go back to it and write it down somewhere which is what I'm going to do here.  I want to make it easy to refer back to so I'm going to record some of the things that I've read here.

Losing Chandler is the worst thing I've ever experienced.  It's painful!  Each day, I miss him more and more.  I've asked God the question so many times, "why"?  I can't say that I've had anger toward the Lord but I have been angry that the accident happened.  I haven't been angry at anybody, just angry that God had the power to heal Chandler and He didn't.  I've been devastated and heartbroken that He would let such a horrible thing happen to my family.  But, as much as it hurts, I know that He is in control.  So, when I read the following excerpt from a book by Carol Kent titled When I Lay My Isaac Down, I could relate:

"I found myself sometimes angry, often hurt, always broken--but the bottom line of my heart was this:  Lord, where would I go if I turned away from You?  If I didn't have You, I would have nothing.  I have nowhere to turn, so while I'm pounding Your chest with my hurt, pain, and anger, please know that I am still facing You, still leaning into the warmth of Your embrace, not sure I can trust You, but knowing You are all I have.  If I left you, I would be completely aimless and lost.  So while I feel devastated by what You have allowed to happen, I still cannot resist pressing into the comfort of Your strong arms.  I am angry that I am not resisting You more, because I know You could have stopped this thing from happening--but I have nowhere else to go."

Another book I'm reading is a small book titled Hope in Times of Grief - Moving through Sorrow.  It's filled with Bible verses and quotes from other people that relate to different topics.  The following are several that have spoken to me so far:

Job cried out to God to answer his questions. . . Ultimately the only answer God gave to Job was a revelation of Himself.  "Job, I am your answer."  Job was not asked to trust a plan but a Person, a personal God who is sovereign, wise and good.  It was as if God said to Job, "Learn who I am.  When you know me, you know enough to handle anything."  -R. C. Sproul, Surprised by Suffering

God is still God.  God always has been and always will be.  And, though all we may be able to do right now is cling to Who God is and What God is, that's enough.  We may not be able to praise.  We may  not be able to sing.  We may not even be able to pray, but we can hang on to the conviction that God is God.  With David we can look ahead and say, "I will yet praise God."  -Roger Palm, Bible Readings on Hope

That quote is so true for me.  I know Who and What God is.  But, I haven't been able to sing and praise God.  In church, I just stand there and listen to everyone else.  I just haven't been able to participate in that yet.  I also have a hard time praying.  I try to pray but I can't get the words to come.  It usually just ends up being something so simple like "help me Lord".  But, because I know how everything ends, I know that one day I will be in God's presence and I will praise Him.

I could really relate to the following quote.  There were so many times at the hospital, preparing for Chandler's funeral, etc. that I just could not feel anything.  It's like I was numb all over.  No tears, no feelings.

When we have experienced the shock of a major loss, sometimes our minds go into neutral. . . The mind is paralyzed and overloaded. -Raymond R. Mitsch and Lynn Brookside, Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love

I've asked God so many times to wake me up from this horrible nightmare.  That's what I want it to be.  I don't want it to be real.  I've even pinched myself a few times to check and see if it is real.  Or, if there's a possibility that it is just a horrible dream.

I felt like I was having a nightmare.  I wanted to wake up.  I prayed to wake up.  A strong sense of disbelief, of unreality, swept over me. -Mary White, Harsh Grief, Gentle Hope

If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales!  It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas. -Job 6:2-3, NIV

But why celebrate stoic tearlessness?  Why insist on never outwarding the inward when that inward is bleeding?  Does enduring while crying not require as much strength as never crying?  Must we always mask our suffering?  May we not sometimes allow people to see and enter it? . . . I shall look at the world through tears.  Perhaps I shall see things that dry-eyed I could not see.  -Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son

(God) not only knows your tears, but He records them and retains them!  Why?  So that one day He may transform them into gems of joy and glory.  No tears are ever wasted when you follow Him.  -Warren Wiersbe, With the Word

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147: 3 NKJ

Grief and sorrow become a divine rendezvous with the Prince of Peace, the Father of mercies, and the Spirit who "intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words" (Romans 8:26, NASB).  Paradoxically, our most treasured times become not the mountaintop experiences, but the valleys of despair . . . We cannot truly weep for joy until we have wept for sorrow. -Jan Frank, A Graceful Waiting

All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. -2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NLT

As I have written these passages and quotes, they have spoken to me once again.  It is so nice to read these and receive some encouragement and feel some "hope".