Failure in parenting

I have had to do some thinking lately regarding how I am parenting Caleb, Corben and Carlie.  Since Chandler went to heaven, my thoughts are consumed with him, the pain I'm feeling, the grieving, etc.  I love each of my children with my whole being.  I have been blessed with wonderful children.  But, when we lost Chandler, a huge and I mean huge part of me went with him.  The pain of losing a child is horrible.  Without my faith, it would be unbearable.  But, I've had to ask myself "am I giving my other children what they need?"  I don't think I am right now.  This all came to my attention about 5 days ago.  I was fixing the kids something to eat.  Corben sat at the table when his food was ready and out of no where he asked me a question.  He said "why don't we all eat together at the table anymore?"  I couldn't believe his question.  I mean, I know we haven't eaten together much but the fact that my 6 year old was aware of that change amazed me.  It must really mean something to him for him to ask me that.  So, I gave him some excuses but I also told him what the main reason was.  I told him that since Chandler is not here with us, it is very hard to sit at the table and eat.  Because when we all sit together like that, it's very noticeable that one of us is missing and that hurts.  He accepted my answer and understood.  But, since we had that conversation, I've thought about it a lot.  I've cried over it.  I know I have to be here for my other kids.  I have to let them know that I love them and they are just as important to me as Chandler.  If I had lost any of my other children, I would be hurting and reacting the same way to their loss.  It's just so hard to do normal things like eat at the table together because when we sit down, it's like a slap in the face.  Reality hits.  Chandler is not sitting at his spot.  He's not at the table with the family.  He's gone and he's not coming back.

As hard as it's going to be, I'm going to try and do better with my kids.  I don't want them to grow up and say "well, my parents did a great job until Chandler died".  Chad reminds me often that we raised Chandler and Caleb a certain way.  We raised them to know that we are a close family and that our family is so important to us.  We can't drop the ball with Corben and Carlie.  They are still young and we have lots of years left to raise them.  We want them to know how important family is.  Caleb is not grown yet either.  He's a big boy but he still needs us and I can't fail him. 

Lord, I pray that you'll help me with this task.  Help me to love, nurture and raise my children the way You would have me to raise them in spite of the pain I feel over the loss of Chandler.  Help me to be able to grieve the loss of my son yet be able to let my other kids know how very important they are to me and how much they are loved.  Amen