Failure in parenting

I have had to do some thinking lately regarding how I am parenting Caleb, Corben and Carlie.  Since Chandler went to heaven, my thoughts are consumed with him, the pain I'm feeling, the grieving, etc.  I love each of my children with my whole being.  I have been blessed with wonderful children.  But, when we lost Chandler, a huge and I mean huge part of me went with him.  The pain of losing a child is horrible.  Without my faith, it would be unbearable.  But, I've had to ask myself "am I giving my other children what they need?"  I don't think I am right now.  This all came to my attention about 5 days ago.  I was fixing the kids something to eat.  Corben sat at the table when his food was ready and out of no where he asked me a question.  He said "why don't we all eat together at the table anymore?"  I couldn't believe his question.  I mean, I know we haven't eaten together much but the fact that my 6 year old was aware of that change amazed me.  It must really mean something to him for him to ask me that.  So, I gave him some excuses but I also told him what the main reason was.  I told him that since Chandler is not here with us, it is very hard to sit at the table and eat.  Because when we all sit together like that, it's very noticeable that one of us is missing and that hurts.  He accepted my answer and understood.  But, since we had that conversation, I've thought about it a lot.  I've cried over it.  I know I have to be here for my other kids.  I have to let them know that I love them and they are just as important to me as Chandler.  If I had lost any of my other children, I would be hurting and reacting the same way to their loss.  It's just so hard to do normal things like eat at the table together because when we sit down, it's like a slap in the face.  Reality hits.  Chandler is not sitting at his spot.  He's not at the table with the family.  He's gone and he's not coming back.

As hard as it's going to be, I'm going to try and do better with my kids.  I don't want them to grow up and say "well, my parents did a great job until Chandler died".  Chad reminds me often that we raised Chandler and Caleb a certain way.  We raised them to know that we are a close family and that our family is so important to us.  We can't drop the ball with Corben and Carlie.  They are still young and we have lots of years left to raise them.  We want them to know how important family is.  Caleb is not grown yet either.  He's a big boy but he still needs us and I can't fail him. 

Lord, I pray that you'll help me with this task.  Help me to love, nurture and raise my children the way You would have me to raise them in spite of the pain I feel over the loss of Chandler.  Help me to be able to grieve the loss of my son yet be able to let my other kids know how very important they are to me and how much they are loved.  Amen

Finding Comfort

Yesterday was a busy day.  We have our home school co op group on Tuesdays from 11:00 to 3:00 and I really had no desire to go.  I just haven't had a desire to do anything lately.  It just takes too much energy and brain power to get anything done and right now I don't seem to have much of either one of those.  But, I got up to get ready and as soon as I got up, I received a text from my sister.  Then, I had 2 more texts come in from 2 very special people.  All of them were contacting me for different reasons but in the end they all sent their love and let me know that they were thinking of me.  Since I received all of those texts early in the morning, I knew it was God's way of saying "I'm going to get you through this day".  And, He did.  The day didn't end until we got home around 8:30 last night.  It was so long because Corben also had basketball practice yesterday afternoon and then we decided to go out to eat as a family since Chad is leaving on Thursday and won't be home until next Tuesday. 

My devotion for yesterday was also good.  These days are so hard and I'm constantly looking for comfort.  Well, the devotion yesterday was about that.  I enjoyed it so much that I actually went back to it and read it again today after I read through my stuff for today.  So, I'm going to write it here so that one day my kids can read it and hopefully find some comfort in it like I did.

Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  (Psalm 23:4)

     At my father's house in the country, there is a little closet near the chimney, where we keep the canes, or walking sticks, of several generations of our family.  During my visits to the old house, as my father and I are going out for a walk, we often go to the cane closet and pick out our sticks to suit the occasion.  As we have done this, I have frequently been reminded that the Word of God is a staff.
     During the war, when we were experiencing a time of discouragement and impending danger, the verse "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord" (Ps. 112:7) was a staff to walk with on many dark days.
     When our child died and we were left nearly brokenhearted, I found another staff in the promise "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Ps. 30:5).
     When I was forced to be away from home for a year due to poor health, not knowing if God would ever allow me to return to my home and work again, I chose this staff, which has never failed: "For I know the plans I have for you, . . .plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). 
     In times of impending danger or doubt, when human judgment seems to be of no value, I have found it easy to go forward with this staff:  "In quietness and trust is your strength" (Isa. 30:15).  And in emergencies, when there has been no time for deliberation or for action, this staff has never failed me: "He that believeth shall not make haste" (Isa. 28:16 KJV).  Abbott Benjamin Vaughan, in The Outlook
     Martin Luther's wife said, "I would never have known the meaning of various psalms, come to appreciate certain difficulties, or known the inner workings of the soul; I would never have understood the practice of the Christian life and work, if God had never brought afflictions to my life."  It is quite true that God's rod is like a schoolteacher's pointer to a child, pointing out a letter so the child will notice it.  In this same way, God points out many valuable lessons to us that we otherwise would never have learned. selected

     God always sends His staff with His rod.

     Thy shoes shall be iron and brass; and as they days, so shall thy strength be. Deuteronomy 33:5 KJV

     Each of us may be sure that if God sends us over rocky paths, He will provide us with sturdy shoes.  He will never send us on any journey without equipping us well.  Alexander Maclaren

This devotion got a hold of me right from the start.  One reason is because of the illustration used at the beginning.  The writer starts off talking about the walking sticks used by various generations of their family.  Well, my Papa and Nanny Carnes lived half a mile from our house.  My Papa would take daily walks to our house and for those daily walks he used a walking cane/stick that he made himself.  Over the years, he used several walking sticks.  He didn't just pick a stick from the yard and use it.  He picked one, sanded it, stained it, varnished it and made it look really nice.  Well, when my Papa died in 2007, Chandler and Caleb each got one of his walking sticks.  So, when I started reading, I could see Papa and his walking sticks.  So, that illustration just drew me in.  Then, I started reading all of the things this person had been through and the way God's Word had been used as the rod and staff to comfort him.  He referred to losing a child so I immediately knew that this writer had been where I am.  He "knows" what I'm feeling and what I'm going through.  He knows the thoughts I have and the pain I feel.  But he used Psalm 30:5 as his comfort: "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning". 

I'm still weeping.  I haven't seen the joy in the morning yet, but because of God's Word, I can hope that the day will come.  I know I'll never get over the loss of my son.  Who can ever get over that?  But, one day, in the years to come, God will teach us how to live with the pain of losing our son.  I can't imagine that day will ever come but I've heard testimony of others who have gotten there.

The words of Martin Luther's wife were so good and so true.  If it weren't for this affliction, I would never have understood the practice of the Christian life.  Everyday I'm having to practice what I believe as a Christian.  Do I believe God is in control?  Do I have faith in God?  Do I trust Him in what He does?  Before Nov. 13, 2010, I would have said "yes".  I mean that is the Christian answer, right?  But, since Chandler's accident, I've had to really ask myself those questions.  The answer is still "yes".  But, now, I'm really having to live out the answer.  I have to trust God each day to get me through the day, to comfort and take care of my family.  I have to trust that He knows what He is doing.  I have to believe He is in control and He's not out to harm my family.  I have to have faith that He knows what is best and that one day when we reach heaven, we'll be able to see the Lord and say to Him "I understand now and You did the right thing".   I was driving home the other day and I was by myself.  I was in tears, thinking about Chandler and having some time with God.  In the midst of that time, I realized that even though the pain I feel is indescribable, I love the Lord now more than I did before November.  I had to ask myself "why" and "how" can that be possible?  I believe it's because I know that He is getting me through each day.  Sometimes, I don't feel His comfort but for the most part, I do feel Him comforting me.  I feel His presence when I'm weeping, even though He's silent.  He's also using friends, family, and His Word to comfort me.  I also know that this home we are at now is temporary.  One day, this will all be over and we will be together for eternity in the presence of God.  I also know that right now Chandler is in the presence of God.  I know that Chandler loved the Lord and right now God is taking care of Chandler.  As much as I love Chandler, God loves him even more.  That's hard for me to even imagine because I know how much I love my kids and to think that God loves them more is just amazing!  I look forward to the day when our entire family can be in the presence of the Lord worshiping Him as Chandler is right now.  

I have to just keep searching for that Word to be the rod and staff that comforts me during this most difficult time.

God is near even when I question it.

I wasn't able to go to church this morning.  I've had a cold the past few days and woke up at 2:00 in the morning coughing.  I took some medicine and tried to get back to sleep.  I laid there for a while and then heard a child walk into my room.  It was Corben.  So, I got him back to bed and then tried to get back to sleep myself.  It just didn't happen.  So, needless to say, when my alarm went off at 6:00, I was exhausted.  On top of dealing with a cough and cold, I also didn't get much sleep.  So, I told Chad I was staying home.  It's a good thing I did.  I've rested most of day and coughed a bit.  Throughout the day, I've done some thinking.  I sat here in the recliner one time today looking at some pictures we have on wall.  Chad and the kids gave me an original gift for the Christmas of 2007.  Chandler took a picture of each of us.  But the pictures are just of our eyes.  Then, they got 2 frames that hold 3 photos each and put the pictures in the frames.  I sat here today looking at how perfect this gift was.  Because of that gift, I have a close up of Chandler's beautiful eyes and to sit here and look at his eyes is just amazing.  It just seems as thought he's looking right back at me.  I am so thankful for that gift.  I can also remember when they were working on this project.  I knew they were doing something for me but I didn't know what it was and they didn't want me to know.  I remember we were in the grocery store one day and Chandler came up to me with a camera in his hand.  He wanted to take a picture of me.  Seriously?  Right now?  In the grocery store?  Yes, that's what he wanted.  So, I stood there and let him get some pictures.  Of course, later when I got the gift, I knew why he was wanting those pictures.  So, not only do I have these "eye" photos but I also have the memories of Chandler chasing me around a grocery store to get some pictures of me.  I'll never forget that day.

I've also just thought about how much I miss Chandler.  I just want so badly for all of this to be over.  Sometimes it's still so hard to believe that this is real.  This is our life now.  A life without our first born child.  It's not the life I want.  I've felt so empty lately.  I was really thankful today that I had to stay home from church.  I was planning on going.  I had clothes picked out, ironed and ready.  But, emotionally, I knew it was going to be so hard to go.  I just don't want to be around a lot of people.  I don't want to smile at people and say hello.  I don't want to answer the question "how are you?"  I don't want to hug people.  I would just rather be right here in my house.  So, it all worked out for the best for me.  I was able to have a fairly quiet, lazy day wrapped up in my quilt. 

There's so many times when I want to ask God "where are You"?  Sometimes I feel like he's abandoned me.  I want so badly for Him to show Himself to me in some way, but I'm not getting it.  So, when I read my devotion for today, it couldn't have been more perfect.  It was the reminder that I needed. 

Why, O Lord, do you stand far off?  (Psalm 10:1)

"God is . . . an ever-present help in trouble" (Ps. 46:1).  But he allows trouble to pursue us, as though He were indifferent to its overwhelming pressure, so we may be brought to the end of ourselves.  Through the trial, we are led to discover the treasure of darkness and the immeasurable wealth of tribulation.
     We may be sure that he who allows the suffering is with us throughout it.  It may be that we will only see Him once the ordeal is nearly passed, but we must dare to believe that He never leaves our trial.  Our eyes are blinded so we cannot see the One our soul loves.  The darkness and our bandages blind us so that we cannot see the form of our High Priest.  Yet He is there and is deeply touched.  Let us not rely on our feelings but trust in His unswerving faithfulness.  And though we cannot see Him, let us to talk Him.  Although His presence is veiled, once we begin to speak to Jesus as if He were literally present, an answering voice comes to show us He is in the shadow, keeping watch over His own.  Your Father is as close to you when you journey through the darkest tunnel as He is when you are under the open heaven! from Daily Devotional Commentary

Although the path be all unknown?
Although the way be drear?
Its shades I travel not alone
When steps of Yours are near.

Lord, you know that I am in a dark tunnel.  There are so many times when I feel like I'm alone.  And being along in this dark tunnel is so scary!  I wonder where You are.  I do know that You are here with me even though I don't feel You or hear You.  Please continue to stay close.  Help me to trust in You and what you're doing in my life.  Amen.


 

Sorrow

I have had a hard time going to sleep the past few nights.  Tuesday night I went to my room to watch a movie before I went to bed.  Everything seemed to be fine and I was focused and the movie and enjoying it.  As soon a the movie was over, something just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just started crying.  As I cried, I just said to myself "Nooooo".  I wanted so badly to scream it though!  It took everything I had in me to keep quiet.  Chad and the kids were all in bed.  I would have scared them to death.  So, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and ended up just leaning over the sink to cry for a while.  Soon after, I went to bed, with tears in my eyes.

Last night was similar.  I was watching a TV show while I laid in bed.  After it was over, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for bed.  As soon as I walked in the bathroom and shut the door, the tears just fell.  When I got in the bed, I just laid there thinking of Chandler as tears continued to fall.  I wanted so badly to just drift off to sleep but it's so hard when your mind seems to be all over the place. 

I'm not sure why the past few nights have been like this.  On most nights, I'll usually go to bed and pray and a few tears will fall.  But, the past few nights have been so different.  I've just wanted to bawl my eyes out and scream.  Maybe it's something I just need to do sometime.  I'm not sure you can really plan something like that though.

On a different note:  I woke up this morning to get ready for the day.  I was checking email and messages and received a very nice note from someone.  It's always so uplifting to hear from people.  Also, my devotion for today was so good.  It's one I want to read back on as often as I can, so I'm going to post it here for my kids to read one day too.

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.  (Ecclesiastes 7:3)

     Sorrow, under the power of divine grace, performs various ministries in our lives.  Sorrow reveals unknown depths of the soul, and unknown capacities for suffering and service.  Lighthearted, frivolous people are always shallow and are never aware of their own meagerness or lack of depth.  Sorrow is God's tool to plow the depths of the soul, that it may yield richer harvests.  If humankind were still in a glorified state, having never fallen, then the strong floods of divine joy would be the force God would use to reveal our souls' capacities.  But in a fallen world, sorrow yet with despair removed, is the power chosen to reveal us to ourselves.  Accordingly, it is sorrow that causes us to take the time to think deeply and seriously.
     Sorrow makes us move more slowly and considerately and examine our motives and attitudes.  It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others.
     Imagine a village of lazy people living at the foot of a great mountain range, yet who have never ventured out to explore the valleys and canyons back in the mountains.  One day a great thunderstorm goes careening through the mountains, turning the hidden valleys into echoing trumpets and revealing their inner recesses, like the twisted shapes of a giant seashell.  The villagers at the foot of the hills are astonished at the labyrinths and the unexplored recesses of a region so nearby and yet so unknown.  And so it is with many people who casually live on the outer edge of their own souls until great thunderstorms of sorrow reveal hidden depths within, which were never before known or expected.
     God never uses anyone to a great degree until He breaks the person completely.  Joseph experienced more sorrow than the other sons of Jacob, and it led him into a ministry of food for all the nations.  For this reason, the Holy Spirit said of him, "Joseph is a fruitful vine. . .near a spring, whose branches climb over a wall" (Gen. 49:22).   It takes sorrow to expand and deepen the soul.  from The Heavenly Life

The dark brown soil is turned
By the sharp-pointed plow;
And I've a lesson learned.

My life is but a field,
Stretched out beneath God's sky,
Some harvest rich to yield.

Where grows the golden grain?
Where faith?  Where sympathy?
In a furrow cut by pain.  
  --Maltbie D. Babcock


Every person and every nation must endure lessons in God's school of adversity.  In the same way we say, "Blessed is the night, for it reveals the stars to us," we can say, "Blessed is sorrow, for it reveals God's comfort."  A flood once washed away a poor man's home and mill, taking with it everything he owned in the world.  He stood at the scene of his great loss, brokenhearted and discouraged.  Yet after the waters had subsided, he saw something shining in the riverbanks that the flood had washed bare.  "It looks like gold," he said.  And it was gold.  The storm that had impoverished him made him rich.  So it is oftentimes in life.  Henry Clay Trumbull

I am certainly experiencing great sorrow.  I don't know why God has done this.  It's hard.  It's painful and it's something I do not want to be going through.  I pray and I'm not getting any answers.  But, I am going to keep praying.  As painful as this journey is, I'm going to keep the faith.  I have to.  I can't imagine doing this without faith.  The faith I have is the only thing that keeps me going.  It's because of my faith that I can be so certain of where Chandler is right now.  He's safe, "in the arms of God".  That's where I want to be one day.  I want to be wrapped in the arms of God with Chandler right there beside me.  The storm that is raging around me is unlike anything I've ever experienced.  I can't imagine that this storm can be used for something good.  I don't know what blessing will come.  I may not know it until I reach heaven one day.  That's the hard part:  waiting to find out why it had to be this way, and wondering how long will it be before I can get answers.  Will God give me answers while I'm here on this earth?  Will I have to wait for the answers?  I don't know.  Right now, I just know I have to go a day at a time through this storm, with the faith that I have and with the help of others praying me through each day. 

My Aching Heart

The past four days have been difficult for me.  It seems like the more time that passes, the harder it gets.  I have stared at Chandler's pictures so much lately.  I sat here yesterday and looked at some of his videos.  I miss him so much!  To say "I miss him so much" doesn't even come close to the way I feel though.  It's so hard to put into words the way I feel.   I want to see him, hear him and touch him so badly.  I want to hear him walking through the house.  I want him sitting at the dinner table with us.  That's one thing we don't do very often any more.  We used to always sit at the dinner table together to eat.  It doesn't happen much any more.  I think when we're all sitting there, it's obvious to us that Chandler is missing.  I bet I could count on my hands the times we've all sat at the table to eat together since Chandler's accident.  Corben will usually sit in Chandler's seat but it's still noticeable.  It's obvious that we're all sitting in the wrong seats because Chandler isn't here with us.  It doesn't take the pain away.

I haven't had much motivation the past 2 months to get anything done.  I do the bare minimum.  Well, it seems the past 4 days, that has gotten even worse.  I just don't care about doing anything.  Of course, I have to make myself do it.  It's just hard. 

I believe Chad feels the same way.  He tells me a lot lately that he had a bad day or he had a break down or cried the whole drive home from work.  He recently told me "my cup is empty".   We are both emotionally drained.  Our hearts are broken and we long to have our son back with us. 

I just feel so empty right now, like I just don't have anything left in me. 

On another note, we received a piece of mail today from The Living Memorial Program.  The funeral home that we used has planted a tree with the Forest Service, United States Department of Agriculture, in memory of Chandler.  The good thing is that the tree seedling that was planted has been planted in a national forest which means the tree will grow to maturity.  It won't be harvested.  It will live on.  I don't know how often the funeral home does that.  They might do it for everyone.  But, it's always very meaningful to me when I get things like this.  It means a lot to me that people are willing to do things in memory of my son. 

I was in Chandler's room the other day and ran across something that I had not found before.  Chandler has a Chik Fil A sandwich packet in his drawer.  Yes, that's right.  It's the paper that the Chik Fil A sandwich is wrapped in.  He used to stash his money in there to save it.  Then, he would have some saved up and take it to the bank.  There's no money in it now but he had folded up papers in it.  So, I started looking through them.  Chandler and Caleb have been on youth mission trips the past 3 years.  When they are on the trips, we can't call them nor can they call us.  But, they do have a system set up where you can send them notes each day.  So, Chad and I would do that.  Well, Chandler had saved some of those notes.  But, what really touched me was the next thing I saw.  When Chandler turned 13, Chad and I wrote him individual letters from us.  Those letters were folded up in that sandwich wrapper.  I just stood there reading those letters and bawling my eyes out.   The things we wrote in those letters were perfect.  I told Chad "I don't have to wonder if he knew that I loved him".  He knew he was loved.  I've never really doubted that because we are a close family and the love we all have for each other is obvious and we tell each other.  But, when you lose a child, I think it's only natural that you wonder "did I do enough?"  But, to find those letters were comforting.  The fact that he kept those letters means that those letters meant something to him.  I mean, he was 13 years old when we gave them to him.  He could have read them and thrown them in the trash but he didn't.  It just continues to show the type of person he was.

Two Months

It has been 2 months since Chandler went to be with the Lord.  Every day is still so hard but the "anniversary" dates seem to be harder.  I've dreaded the entire week to have this day get here.  My sister shared something with my Mama recently that really makes sense.  She said "time is our enemy and our friend".  That is so true.  Time is our enemy because it just keeps making it longer and longer since I've touched my son, heard his voice, his laughter.  It's also our friend because the time helps in our healing.  The time will never take away the pain of losing my son.  But, it will help us to learn to live without our child.  I just can't see that right now.  Right now, I just see time as my enemy.

Before I ever woke up this morning, my phone made the noise that it does when I receive a text.  I heard it but continued to lay there in bed.  Soon after, Corben brought me my phone.  He was already awake and he had heard it as well.  I opened my phone to read the text.  It was from one of my very special Seminary friends who has also lost a son.  She had been thinking of me and praying for me.  Before I ever got out of bed this morning, I was being prayed for.  And it was from someone who "knows" the pain I'm in.  I can't tell you how grateful I was for her.  I am so thankful for everyone who continues to pray for our family.  But, my friend's text yesterday morning could not have come at a more perfect time. What a way to wake up!

So I got out of bed and started to get ready for the day.  I wanted us to go out as a family and do something.  It didn't have to be much.  Just a little something to try and distract us in some way.  Otherwise, I would sit at home and just think about the "anniversary" that it is and rehash everything that happened 2 months ago. 

Before we left, I sat and read through my devotion for the day.  It's a yearly devotional book and the one for today (Jan. 14) fit perfectly.  It's a little long but I want to put it here for me to keep.  It is a part of this "2 month anniversary" that I'm having to deal with.

January 14

When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them. (John 10:4)

     This is intensely difficult work for Him and us - it is difficult for us to go, but equally difficult for Him to cause us pain.  Yet it must be done.  It would not be in our best interest to always remain in one happy and comfortable location.  Therefore He moves us forward.  The shepherd leaves the fold so the sheep will move onto the vitalizing mountain slopes.  In the same way, laborers must be driven out into the harvest, or else the golden grain would spoil.
     But take heart!  It could never be better to stay once He determines otherwise; if the loving hand of our Lord moves us forward, it must be best.  Forward, in His name, to green pastures, quiet waters, and mountain heights! (See Ps. 23:2.)  "He goes on ahead of (us)."  So whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him, and the eye of faith can always discern His majestic presence out in front.  When His presence cannot be seen, it is dangerous to move ahead.  Comfort your heart with the fact that the Savior has Himself experienced all the trials He asks you to endure; He would not ask you to pass through them unless He was sure that the paths were not too difficult or strenuous for you.
     This is the blessed life - not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time.

Dark is the sky!  and veiled the unknown morrow!
Dark is life's way, for night is not yet o'er;
The longed-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow;
But, this I know and trust, HE GOES BEFORE.

Dangers are near!  and fears my mind are shaking;
Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store;
But I am His - He knows the way I'm taking,
More blessed even still - HE GOES BEFORE.

Doubts cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o'er me,
Doubts that life's best - life's choicest things are o'er;
What but His Word can strengthen, can restore me,
And this blest fact; that still HE GOES BEFORE.

HE GOES BEFORE!  Be this my consolation!
He goes before!  On this my heart will dwell!
He goes before!  This guarantees salvation!
HE GOES BEFORE!  And therefore all is well.
--J. Danson Smith

     The oriental shepherd always walked ahead  of his sheep.  He was always out in front.  Any attack upon the sheep had to take him into account first.  Now God is out in front.  He is in our tomorrows, and it is tomorrow that fills people with fear.  Yet God is already there.  All the tomorrows of our life have to pass through Him before they can get to us.  F. B. Meyer

God is in every tomorrow,
Therefore I live for today,
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for my way;
Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after rain.


There were so many things in this devotion that just fit for me.  I am in a huge trial.  I am in pain.  I am not in a happy and comfortable place right now.  I'm so uncomfortable I don't know what to do.  But God goes before me. 


I have no idea why God has chosen this path for our family.  I don't know why He thought this wouldn't be too difficult or strenuous for us.  I would like to argue with Him about that one.  I just know that I have to take comfort in knowing that God is going before us.


The first poem is great.  I can relate to it.  The sky is dark, my heart dreads what life may hold in store, there are doubts of life's best in the future.  But, I have to remember that HE GOES BEFORE!


I can only get through today.  I can't think about tomorrow and what it has in store.  I just have to know that God is in front.  He is already in my tomorrow so when I get to tomorrow, I'll look for Him to get me through another day, to guide me and lead me along the way.


So, we finally left the house.  Our first stop was at the jewelry store where I purchased 4 more charms for my Chandler bracelet.  Then, we went to a Chinese restaurant and had lunch together.  We went to Target to purchase a birthday gift for one of Corben's friends.  While we were there, I told the kids to pick out something and they could have a prize for the day. 


After we finished, we headed over to the cemetery to visit Chandler's grave and see his name plate that had been placed.  When we got there Carlie asked if she could stay in the car.  So, all of the kids waited in the car.  Chad and I just stood there in silence for a while.  It is so hard to visit your child's grave.  His nameplate is very nice and it looks good but I shouldn't have to be standing at my son's grave to look at such a thing.  I said to Chad "this sucks!"  He agreed.  I told him "I often think about how badly I want to have his body dug up just so I can touch him."  And I cried.  That's how much I miss him.  I just want to feel him.  I miss him so much that I feel like it would comfort me to be able to touch his dead body, his shell. 


Eventually, Caleb got out of the car and joined us for a little bit.  I know it's so hard for him to be there.  Caleb has been so strong in all of this but I know he hurts.  He misses his brother/best friend so much!


Chad and Caleb went back to the car and I stood there another minute or so.  I saw a speck of dirt on the name plate and just bent down to brush it off.  I'll often look at the sky for some comfort or a cloud shaped a certain way.  Just hoping for a sign.  I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but it's what I do right now.  Anyway, before I left the grave, I looked at the sky.  It was beautiful, blue, and clear.  To the right of me I could see the sun and then I looked to the left and there was the moon.  They were both visible.  It was just a peaceful looking sky as I stood at Chandler's grave.  It was just something I enjoyed seeing.  So, I told Chandler that I loved him and walked away.

We headed for home then.  When we got home, that's when the package was at the door from LifeNet (which is written about in the previous blog).  So, on this awful anniversary, we received word about Chandler's organs that were donated.  If there could be a perfect day for us to receive that information, then today was it.  As emotional as it was, it was so good to hear about those who received Chandler's organs. 


We had plans tonight to have dinner out with friends.  The kids stayed  home while we went out.  We had a very enjoyable evening.  It just so happens that when we got to the restaurant, one of my very special friends happened to be eating their with her daughter.  So, Chad and I sat with them and chatted for a while waiting on our table and for our other friends to show up.  Since they were finished eating, a lady came around and told us we could just use her table.  So we sat there and talked a while.  Then, our friends showed up and we had such a nice time together.  Our reservations were at 6:30 and we didn't leave the restaurant until 10:00.   It was a very enjoyable evening. 


So, God got us through the difficult day.  It wasn't without tears, but we got through it.  He obviously knew how hard this day would be but He showed Himself in many ways; by my friend waking me up with a text this morning, by allowing me to add to my Chandler bracelet, by having a peaceful day with the family, by giving us such a beautiful, peaceful sky at Chandler's grave, by having the LifeNet package waiting on our door step when we arrived home and by giving us great friends to enjoy an evening with.  Thank you Lord!

My Son, the Hero - "Chanman"

We arrived home today to find a package at the door.  It was from LifeNet.  They handle organ donation.  Chandler donated his organs and this package had information about his organs and the recipients.  I have always been a proud mom.  I have 4 wonderful children who make me proud every single day.  I've never been more proud than I am today.

It was bittersweet to read through the information.  It was sad because it took my son's life to save these people.  But, it was a happy moment because of the wonderful gift that Chandler gave the recipients.  Here is a little bit of information about Chandler's gifts:

Both of Chandler's kidneys were recovered and transplanted.  Chandler's right kidney went to a 31 year-old gentlemen from Virginia.  The kidney function is reported good since the transplant. 

Chandler's left kidney went to an 18 year-old student.  The kidney function is reported good since the transplant.

Chandler's liver was transplanted into a 57 year-old gentlemen from Virginia.  He is the father of 5.  The transplant center reports that his new liver is functioning great since the transplant.

Both of Chandler's lungs were able to be transplanted into a 55 year-old woman.  She is married and has 2 daughters.  The transplant center reports that her lung function is good.

The next one is very emotional for us.  We couldn't read it without tears.

Chandler's heart has saved the life of a critically-ill 11 year-old child.  She is a student and enjoys singing.  The transplant center reports that her new heart function is good.

I'm so thankful that Chandler was able to save these people and especially the little girl.  She's young and his heart will keep beating for many years to come.  I hope one day that we'll be able to meet these recipients.  If that can't be done, I do hope that we can be in touch with them and get to know them a little bit.  I want so badly to meet the 11 year old girl and hug her and place my hand on her/Chandler's heart and feel it beating. 


January 15, 2010.  It's the next day.  I didn't sleep well at all last night.  I just couldn't get my mind to stop thinking.  Yesterday was just an overwhelming day and I couldn't relax.  While I was laying in bed at one point something crossed my mind that I really wanted to write about before I forgot.  It took everything in me to keep myself in bed because I wanted to get up and write it right then.

I kept thinking of Chandler's organs being donated and what a hero he is.  Then I remembered something.  Just like Superman and Spiderman have their Superhero names, Chandler has had a Superhero name since birth.  We just haven't known until now what his super power was.  When Chandler was born, his Aunt Brandi (my sister) immediately gave him a nickname, "Chanman".  We've called him that for 16 years.  He even used it as his signature when he would send texts on his phone.  I got to thinking about that name what a perfect "superhero" name it is.  It would just take 16 years to realize that the power he had would be to save 5 lives with his organs.  I just laid there in bed thinking about that and how perfect that nickname fit him.  A superhero name for the heroic act he would make 16 years later. 

Chanman, I love you so much and you are truly my Superhero!!!

I also wanted to mention the medal in the above picture that we received.   There is inspiration and meaning for the design.  It reads as follows:

The Gift of Life Donor touches and gives new life to others.  The donor touches the hand of the recipient, and passes on the precious gift of life (the heart) and love (the rose).  This magnificent and honorable giving of oneself is illustrated in the rays extending from the heart.  

We have been so touched by the information and gifts we have received from LifeNet.  We are going to have a shadowbox made to display all of Chandler's organ donation certificates, medals, etc. 

Chandler's birth

Two months ago today was when Chandler went off for some fun and ended up having a horrible accident.  I can't believe it has been that long.  Time just seems to be moving right along and my son isn't here.  Honestly, I just want time to stop.  I want it all to just end because it's so hard to do things without Chandler being here.  One of the hard parts about losing a child is trying to learn how to live without them.  I don't have the motivation to do anything.  I don't care about the dishes piled up in the sink or the laundry that needs to be washed.  I don't want to cook a meal.  Does any of that stuff really matter?  What really matters to me right now is that my son is gone and I can't get him back.  I want him home with us so badly and I can't have him.  So, somehow, I have to grieve his loss and learn to live a life without him.  That is so hard because my children mean everything to me.  I love them with my whole being.  I love them more than anything else.

For some reason, Chandler's birth has come to my mind off and on the past few days.  I've had every intention of writing about his birth in his baby book.  My plans were to do all of my kids baby books exactly like I was supposed to.  Well, I failed at that.  So, since I haven't written about his birth in his book, I'm going to write about it here.  I know I'll never forget it.  It's been 16 years and I remember it as if it just happened.  But, ones day, my other children might want to know the stories of their births so I'm going to start here with Chandler's.

Chandler's due date was Oct. 31, 1994.  On November 7, he was still enjoying life in the womb.  I went to my doctor that day and we talked about his upcoming delivery.  I found out that day that my doctor was getting ready to go on vacation.  He was the only doctor in the practice and this would be my first delivery.  So, my option was to wait on Chandler to come on his own time and possibly deliver with another doctor or I could be induced.  Well, there was no way I was going to give birth to my first child with a doctor I didn't know.  I loved my doctor and I was going to stick with him.  So, we planned to arrive at midnight that night which would be November 8, to be induced.  My Mama was coming for the delivery.  She actually knew someone who had their own plane so she was flown from Alabama to Virginia in a little 4 seater plane.  She got to our house that evening so we all just rested a while before going to the hospital.


We arrived at the hospital, checked in and was taken to our room.  I got dressed in the fashionable hospital gown and we waited on the doctor to show up.  He got there and did his thing to try and get my body to deliver this baby.  By this time, Chad, my mom and Chad's mom were there with me. 



Our plans were to have a natural delivery.  No drugs, no epidural - all natural!  So, we waited for something to happen.  It was a very slow process.  I started having contractions but they were mild.  They would get more painful throughout the day but they were nothing like they should be.  Plus, I wasn't dilated to where I should be either.  Toward the afternoon of Nov. 8, everyone is tired, especially me.  We haven't had any sleep, no food and I'm having to deal with contractions.  We walked up and down the halls of the hospital trying to get things moving.  Nothing seemed to be working.  So, Chad and I talked about what to do.  We decided to go ahead and have an epidural and pitocin to make the contractions more intense in hopes of getting me dilated.


The epidural was wonderful.  That stuff started kicking in and I couldn't feel a thing.  I was able to lay there in my bed and relax.  I finally drifted off to sleep and slept the entire night.  I woke up the next morning and the doctor checked me.  We were finally getting there but we weren't quite there yet.  So, he had us cut back on the epidural so that I wouldn't be so numb and I could do some things to help this delivery along.  They had me do some different things to get the show on the road.  I won't go into too much detail because I'm not sure I want ya'll visualizing me doing such things.


The time finally came to start pushing.  By now, I'm not receiving any more epidural so that I can be able to feel and know when I need to push.  So, now the pain is more intense.  I'm feeling the contractions and they're rough!  They were having a hard time getting Chandler's head out so they ended up using a vacuum on him.  Once they did that, his head was out and soon after, his entire body.  He was born on November 9, 1994 at 9:19 a.m.  They put Chandler up on my chest for me to hold him.  He was so beautiful.  He had dark hair and it was all over the place.  He had a great complexion, ten fingers, ten toes, beautiful eyes.  He was perfect.  I remember telling my mama, even after all of the pain I had just experienced and labor and delivery which lasted 33 1/2 hours, as well as an episiotomy, "I would do it again".  And I said that right after Chandler was born. 

We were so happy and blessed to have our first child.  We named him after Chad.  His full name was Curtis Chandler Coleman, Jr.  Of course, he went by Chandler.


He was a calm, happy, ideal baby.  He ended up bringing us such joy over the next 16 years.  I am so blessed to have had him for those 16 years and the 9 months in the womb but I sure do wish I had a lot more time with him.  There are so many other things I want to do with him and experience with him.  But, since I can't have that, I will continue to remember him and the memories we do have.  I'll go back to the day of his birth and remember what a wonderful day it was.  I'll remember when they gave him to me for the first time and I looked at him and he looked up at me.  I'll remember the feeling I had that I had never had before.  The love between a mama and her child is an amazing feeling.  I had already loved him for 9 months but when I saw him, I fell hard.  I fell in love with him and knew that he had taken over my heart.  He still has my heart.

The Dash

I was reading in a Christian magazine today and ran across an article written by the President of Family Choice Funerals & Cremations which is here in Roanoke, VA.  Here is a small part of what he wrote:

"In virtually every cemetery there are stones and markers that depict similar messages.  The name of the person, their date of birth and date of death is displayed.  Sometimes there are other inscriptions like a scripture verse, military service or other brief reference to their life.  But the scarcely noticed dash between the date of birth and the date of death is the real story.  So what is your dash?"

So, I started to think about Chandler.  We actually got word today that his marker was placed at the grave today.  I haven't seen it yet.  It's just a small marker with his name and dates on it right now.  We'll be getting a larger one soon.  It was just too hard to do all of that planning so soon after his death.  Anyway, I was trying to visualize his marker, his name, the dates and the dash. 

Even though Chandler was only 16 years old, I can say that he made the best of his "dash".  He was the perfect, son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin & friend.  He loved the Lord and wasn't afraid for people to know that.  He enjoyed life.  He brought joy and laughter to whatever he did.  He was a hard worker.  I've ran across things in his room that he had written such as answers to some of the Bible studies he did in church.  He knew the gospel and he believed it.

In 1 Corinthians 9:24-27, it says:  "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize?  Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training.  They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.  Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air.  No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

I know that Chandler ran the race.  He did it with the goal in mind to get the prize and now he has it.  He's earned the prize.  He's spending his days with the Lord.  I'm so thankful that I can know that.

Chandler has been a huge inspiration for me.  I'm going to run my race in order to get the prize.  Through the pain, brokenness, tears, heartache, I'm going to continue to run.  I am going to pray, study the Word, and seek to find joy in the hope that I have of one day reaching that prize.  I want others to look at my dash on my tombstone and see a great dash just like I see in Chandler's.

Someone shared the following poem with me so I thought it would be fitting to put it here:

"The Dash Poem" by Linda Ellis

 

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.


He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.


So think about this long and hard
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.


If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.


And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.


If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how your spent your dash?



Linda Ellis c1996

Missing Chandler

A lot of times lately, I can see Chandler walking out the front door to go riding with friends on that Saturday.  The vision I have is so clear to me.  He was so happy and excited to go do what he loved doing with some very special people.  It hurts so badly to see that vision and know that he never knew that he wouldn't be coming back home.

I look at his pictures around here and my heart just aches.  He was such a handsome young man.  He was perfect in my eyes and I hate that I'll never know what the future of his life held.  What kind of career would he have gone into?  Would he have married?  Would he have children?  Would they look like him?  There are so many questions that I'll never know the answer to.

Just 2 months ago, we celebrated his 16th birthday.  He was looking forward to getting his drivers license.  We were searching for him a car.  We had no idea that he wouldn't get his license and that we wouldn't be able to get him that car. 

I miss having him here with us as we do our school work.  At lunch time when we're all in the kitchen fixing something to eat, there is such a huge void.  Chandler would usually be right there with us.  We'd be stepping all over each other because everyone wanted to make their lunch at the same time, usually using the same area at the kitchen counter.

Chandler was also the one that didn't like a lot of clutter.  He would finish his school work and come in the other room and start straightening up and telling Corben and Carlie to "come clean up this mess".

My laundry loads have reduced a bit since Chandler has been gone.  I notice it.  As I'm going through and folding clothes and putting them into piles, there's not a pile for Chandler any more.  I would give anything to have him and his dirty laundry back! 

There is just so much that I miss about him.  He had such a great sense of humor.  He made me laugh.  I miss that!

Chandler, you make me so proud.  I can't say enough how proud I am and how blessed I am to be your Mama.  I miss you so much!  I want to give you the biggest hug and just hold you for the longest time.  I love you with all of my heart and I always will!

Notes from books - continued

Over the past few days, I've continued to read and come across things I want to have easy access to.  The following quotes and scriptures are things that have spoken to me. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  -Isaiah 41:10, NIV

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. -Deuteronomy 33:27 NKJV

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." -Psalm 91:14-15, NIV

No one moves from despair to emotional recovery in a straight line - no matter what level of grief we're dealing with.  Grief comes in waves.  Just about the time we take a deep breath and say, "OK, I can get through this, " we get hit again. -Sandra Aldrich, Living Through the Loss of Someone You Love


 I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. -Isaiah 46:4, NIV

True hope changes sorrow, but does not obliterate it. -Edith Schaeffer, Affliction

Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job.  Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced.  This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.  -1 Peter 4:12-13, The Message

Hope does not lie solely in anticipating that God will give us a wonderful future and resolve all things to our good.  Rather, hope lies in knowing that God is with us in the here and now, and He will impart His love and grace to us to enable us to go from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.  -Charles Stanley, The Reason for My Hope

This is so true for me.  I can only get through each day by God's grace and love.  I literally go through the day minute by minute, hour to hour and day to day.  Chad will often ask me a question about something taking place in the future.  Or, he wants to plan something for the future, like a vacation.  It is so hard for me to answer him.  I usually don't have an answer because it's hard for my mind to get past the moment that I'm in.  I haven't even been able to plan a week's worth of meals and do a big grocery shopping run yet.  It's hard to sit down and get my brain to do that kind of stuff.  

Suffering teaches us the absolute limits to our abilities.  -Anonymous

I have found that the human spirit can withstand almost any tragedy, if we can make sense of it or at least believe that God is in control.  We. . . .know that no interruption (in life), be it tragic or delightful, is greater than our God.  He can bring hope into inexplicable loss. -M. Craig Barnes, When God Interrupts


I haven't been able to make any sense out of what has happened.  I have no idea why Chandler had to die.  It just seems so wrong to me.  But, like the quote above says, I am believing that God is in control.  I'm holding onto the hope that I have in Him.

God says that the more hopeless your circumstances, the more likely your salvation.  The greater your cares, the more genuine your prayers.  The darker the room, the greater the need for light. . . .God's help is near and always available, but it is only given to those who seek it.  -Max Lucado, He Still Moves Stones

You may have to go through deep waters, but the good news is that you will go through them. . . .The outcome is certain.  God will win, and because He wins and you are in Him, you will win too. -Charles Stanley, The Reason for My Hope

Other men see only a hopeless end, but the Christian rejoices in an endless hope. -Gilbert Beenken

Those who hope in me will not be disappointed. -Isaiah 49:23, NIV

Pain.  We all know what it tastes like.  Whether its source is physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual, its interruption in our lives disrupts and reshapes.  It intercepts our hopes and plans; it rearranges our dreams.  It always leaves a mark.  -Tim Hansel, You Gotta Keep Dancin'

My life is but a weaving betwixt my God and me:
I do not choose the colors He worketh steadily.
Sometimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unfold the pattern and explain the reason why.
For the dark threads are as needful in the
Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.  -Grant Tuller

No one ever told me about the laziness of grief.  Except at my job - where the machine seems to run on much as usual - I loathe the slightest effort.  Not only writing but even reading is too much.  Even shaving.  What does it matter now whether my cheek is rough or smooth? -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. -2 Corinthians 16:9, NLT

No matter how weak our faith may seem, when it is anchored to the unfailing promises of God's Word, we can withstand the strongest buffeting and the most difficult suffering. -John E. MacArthur, The Power of Suffering

Sometimes the Lord calms the storm.  Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child. -Anonymous

There is no agonizing by God, no hoping He has made the right decision, no wondering what is really best for us.  God makes no mistakes. -Jerry Bridges, Trusting God

Be still, my soul!
the hour is hastening on
When we shall be
forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul!
when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed
we stall meet at last.
-Katharina von Schlegel, "Be Still, My Soul"

Suffering makes us want to go there (heaven).  Broken homes and broken hearts crush our illusions that earth can keep its promises, that it can really satisfy.  Only the hope of heaven can truly move our passions off this world. . .and place them where they will find their glorious fulfillment.   Suffering hurries the heart homeward.
-Joni Eareckson Tada, Heaven, Your Real Home

I just have one work to say about the above quote, "A-men"!

How could things go on when the world has come to an end?  How could I go on in this void?  How could one person, not very big, leave an emptiness that was galaxy-wide?  -Sheldon Vanauken, A Severe Mercy

This is one of the hardest things I have to deal with.  It's so hard to go on with life when I feel like my world has come to an end.  I have such a huge void.  A huge part of me is gone forever.  When Chandler left, he took a lot of me with him and I can never get that back.  How do I learn to go on when I'm missing part of me?  There is a huge emptiness without Chandler.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look up my affliction and my distress.
-Psalm 25:16-18, NIV

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.  The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.  -Psalm 34:17-18, NKJ

What matters most is not knowing what we are, what we do, or what we feel; it is becoming acquainted with God, getting to know what He is and what He feels.  Comfort and peace can never come from anything we know about ourselves but only and always from what we know about God. -Hannah Whitall Smith, God of All Comfort

Jesus did not come to explain away suffering or remove it.  He came to fill it with his Presence. -Paul Claudel

At last when  life is over
With Him I shall abide;
Then I shall view the pattern
Upon the other side.
Then I shall know the reason
Why pain with joy entwined
Was woven in the fabric
Of a life that God designed. -Anonymous

God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality.  He knew it already.  It was I who didn't. -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

A few days after my husband's fatal automobile accident, I was talking with the Lord.  And I asked God, not angrily, but expectantly, "Well, God, what are you going to do with this one?  How are you going to use it for your glory?" -JoNancy Sundberg

I struggle with this one personally.  I've been told that God will use the loss of Chandler for His glory.  Chandler was an inspiration when he was alive and people say he still is in death.  That's all great.  But, honestly, I don't like that God is using Chandler or our family in this way.  I would rather have Chandler back here with us.  Yes, it would be wonderful to see others come to Christ through this.  But, the selfish part of me and the mom in me just doesn't care.  I'll just be so glad when the day comes that I can see God personally and understand why He did this.  Maybe then I can say "Well, Praise the Lord!, You did a great job there".  But, right now, I can't say that.

I had to take Caleb somewhere a while ago.  While I was driving back home, I was thinking.  It seems that when I get behind the wheel, my brain seems to work overtime.  I started thinking about Chandler and continuing to wonder why this has happened.  How is God going to use this?  God can do whatever he wants to glorify Himself and bring others to Him.  Why does He have to use children as part of His plan, especially if it involves the death of a child?   Aren't there other ways He can do His business?  I just couldn't stop asking those questions.  Maybe I shouldn't be questioning God so much.  I mean, it's probably not my business to know these answers right now.  But, I have to talk to God about it anyway.  I can't just pretend I don't think these things.  I mean, He knows my thoughts anyway.  It just feels better for me to get the questions out there. 

God's ultimate purpose in all suffering is joy.  Scripture is full of songs of praise that came out of great trials.  -Elisabeth Elliott, A Path Through Suffering

We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God.  As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. . . .Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in - but you can be certain that He will come. -Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

You are a work in progress, God is molding and fashioning you into a person with whom He wants to live forever. -Charles Stanley, The Reason for My Hope

But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. -Exodus 9:16, NIV

Let us go right into the presence of God, with true hearts fully trusting him. -Hebrews 10:22, NLT

The scriptures and quotes here are all good.  I can relate to them.  I can't say that I believe all of them yet, but hopefully, I will get there as I continue to go through the grieving process.  I'm just thankful I have these things to go back to, to read and try and find some kind of encouragement and hope.

Questions answered by Chandler

One of the things I ran across in Chandler's room today was his School Memories Scrapbook for Kindergarten through 5th grade.  It's a book that has questions in it that the child can fill out himself.  I've been reading through it today and he has made me laugh and cry at some of his answers.  It amazes me that some of the answers he gave at such a young age, he would have given today.  He knew who he was and what he liked. 

His answer from his Kindergarten Milestone said:  "I lost my 1st tooth at the beginning of the year.  I learned to read".

Also from kindergarten: 
My favorite T.V. show:  "Arthur"
My favorite book:  "The Giving Tree"

On one of his 1st grade pages, it's titled An Interview - With Me!  Here are just a few of the answers to some of the questions.  The following are some of the things he filled out for 1st grade: 

Things I do best:  "making people laugh" 

When I grow up, I want to be a:  "photographer"

My favorite meal:  "broccoli and cheese"

From the 2nd grade pages:

I love to eat:  "broccoli and cheese"
I collect "drawings".  So far, I have this many:  "30 - 40"

On his 3rd grade page under the heading Milestones, he wrote "big brother".  That's the year Corben was born.  He was already a big brother to Caleb and apparently he was very happy to have another younger sibling that he could love and take care of. 

Also, on the third grade page, he filled in some more blanks:

My favorite movies: "Spiderman 1 & 2", "The Passion of the Christ", "Elf"
The best thing about school is:  "art class"
If I could go anywhere in the world, I would go to:  "Orlando and Puerto Rico because they have beaches and I can go boogy boarding."

Some 4th grade answers:

When I'm not in school I enjoy. . ."playing, making people laugh, and playing video games"
My favorite book:  "Bible"

From the 5th grade page, he made me laugh at one of his answers.  Under Milestones he wrote:  "I started having BO (body odor)".  I laughed through my tears when I read that.  I find it very funny that he remembered that his 5th grade year was the year he started having BO.  I'm sure that is a milestone for a young boy.  That means, you have to start wearing deodorant which means you're growing up. 

Other 5th grade answers:

Favorite music:  "Newsboys, Mercy Me, Steven Curtis Chapman, Christmas music"
Favorite actors:  "Jim Carey" 

I loved reading his answers.  I've written in earlier blogs about how fun Chandler was, how he loved to laugh.  He loved funny movies.  You see that in his answers.  Two different times he talked about how he liked to make people laugh.  He also mentioned "Jim Carey" as his favorite actor. 

I've mentioned before how he loved photography.  He proved that as well.  He wrote that on his 1st grade page.  I've also mentioned in previous blogs about the music he liked.  From the 5th grade, he has liked the Newsboys.  We played Newsboys songs at his funeral.  Every time I hear a Newsboys song I get emotional.  When I hear their music, I think of Chandler.  I can see him listening to their music and enjoying it. 

I know I already have these answers in his book.  The reason I wanted to share them here is so that everyone else could read the answers that came straight from Chandler.  I know it meant a lot to me to read them today.  Also, I want Caleb, Corben and Carlie to be able to look back on this and see his answers as well and remember Chandler and who he was. 

New Heaven and New Earth

This morning, I started reading the book of Job.  After reading there for a while, I was looking through some notes that I had taken from another grieving mom who contacted me soon after Chandler's death.  I was led to read Isaiah 65:17-25: 

¹⁷"For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth;
         And the former things will not be remembered or come to mind.
      ¹⁸"But be glad and rejoice forever in what I create;
         For behold, I create Jerusalem for rejoicing
         And her people for gladness.
      ¹⁹"I will also rejoice in Jerusalem and be glad in My people;
         And there will no longer be heard in her
         The voice of weeping and the sound of crying.
      ²⁰"No longer will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days,
         Or an old man who does not live out his days;
         For the youth will die at the age of one hundred
         And the one who does not reach the age of one hundred
         Will be thought accursed.
      ²¹"They will build houses and inhabit them;
         They will also plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
      ²²"They will not build and another inhabit,
         They will not plant and another eat;
         For as the lifetime of a tree, so will be the days of My people,
         And My chosen ones will wear out the work of their hands.
      ²³"They will not labor in vain,
         Or bear children for calamity;
         For they are the offspring of those blessed by the LORD,
         And their descendants with them.    ²⁴"It will also come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear.
   ²⁵"The wolf and the lamb will graze together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox; and dust will be the serpent's food They will do no evil or harm in all My holy mountain," says the LORD.

I got so excited after reading this passage.  But, I thought, maybe it doesn't mean what I'm thinking it means.  So, I sent Chad a text and asked him were we going to experience what this passage says.  He replied back "yes".  It just sounds so perfect.  There will be joy, no weeping or crying, no infants dying, etc.  Now, that's something I can look forward to!

Notes from books I'm reading

Since Chandler's accident, I've been trying to read as much as I can.  I'm reading different things:  the Bible, devotional books, books written by others who have lost a child or been through a very difficult time, books on grief, etc.  I'm constantly shopping online and looking for that next book I want to purchase to read to get any help I can.  I have a certain spot that I sit at on the couch.  Beside the couch is an end table that has a book/magazine rack below it.  It is full of the books that I have collected so far to help me through this time. My spot on the couch is where I sit each day, reading and hoping for God to speak, or for a word of encouragement from someone who has "been there and done that".

Right now, I have several different things that I'm reading.  There are so many times that I'll read something and think "wow, I could have written that".  Some of the things just really hit close to home.  So, I try to mark that page so that I can go back to it and write it down somewhere which is what I'm going to do here.  I want to make it easy to refer back to so I'm going to record some of the things that I've read here.

Losing Chandler is the worst thing I've ever experienced.  It's painful!  Each day, I miss him more and more.  I've asked God the question so many times, "why"?  I can't say that I've had anger toward the Lord but I have been angry that the accident happened.  I haven't been angry at anybody, just angry that God had the power to heal Chandler and He didn't.  I've been devastated and heartbroken that He would let such a horrible thing happen to my family.  But, as much as it hurts, I know that He is in control.  So, when I read the following excerpt from a book by Carol Kent titled When I Lay My Isaac Down, I could relate:

"I found myself sometimes angry, often hurt, always broken--but the bottom line of my heart was this:  Lord, where would I go if I turned away from You?  If I didn't have You, I would have nothing.  I have nowhere to turn, so while I'm pounding Your chest with my hurt, pain, and anger, please know that I am still facing You, still leaning into the warmth of Your embrace, not sure I can trust You, but knowing You are all I have.  If I left you, I would be completely aimless and lost.  So while I feel devastated by what You have allowed to happen, I still cannot resist pressing into the comfort of Your strong arms.  I am angry that I am not resisting You more, because I know You could have stopped this thing from happening--but I have nowhere else to go."

Another book I'm reading is a small book titled Hope in Times of Grief - Moving through Sorrow.  It's filled with Bible verses and quotes from other people that relate to different topics.  The following are several that have spoken to me so far:

Job cried out to God to answer his questions. . . Ultimately the only answer God gave to Job was a revelation of Himself.  "Job, I am your answer."  Job was not asked to trust a plan but a Person, a personal God who is sovereign, wise and good.  It was as if God said to Job, "Learn who I am.  When you know me, you know enough to handle anything."  -R. C. Sproul, Surprised by Suffering

God is still God.  God always has been and always will be.  And, though all we may be able to do right now is cling to Who God is and What God is, that's enough.  We may not be able to praise.  We may  not be able to sing.  We may not even be able to pray, but we can hang on to the conviction that God is God.  With David we can look ahead and say, "I will yet praise God."  -Roger Palm, Bible Readings on Hope

That quote is so true for me.  I know Who and What God is.  But, I haven't been able to sing and praise God.  In church, I just stand there and listen to everyone else.  I just haven't been able to participate in that yet.  I also have a hard time praying.  I try to pray but I can't get the words to come.  It usually just ends up being something so simple like "help me Lord".  But, because I know how everything ends, I know that one day I will be in God's presence and I will praise Him.

I could really relate to the following quote.  There were so many times at the hospital, preparing for Chandler's funeral, etc. that I just could not feel anything.  It's like I was numb all over.  No tears, no feelings.

When we have experienced the shock of a major loss, sometimes our minds go into neutral. . . The mind is paralyzed and overloaded. -Raymond R. Mitsch and Lynn Brookside, Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love

I've asked God so many times to wake me up from this horrible nightmare.  That's what I want it to be.  I don't want it to be real.  I've even pinched myself a few times to check and see if it is real.  Or, if there's a possibility that it is just a horrible dream.

I felt like I was having a nightmare.  I wanted to wake up.  I prayed to wake up.  A strong sense of disbelief, of unreality, swept over me. -Mary White, Harsh Grief, Gentle Hope

If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales!  It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas. -Job 6:2-3, NIV

But why celebrate stoic tearlessness?  Why insist on never outwarding the inward when that inward is bleeding?  Does enduring while crying not require as much strength as never crying?  Must we always mask our suffering?  May we not sometimes allow people to see and enter it? . . . I shall look at the world through tears.  Perhaps I shall see things that dry-eyed I could not see.  -Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son

(God) not only knows your tears, but He records them and retains them!  Why?  So that one day He may transform them into gems of joy and glory.  No tears are ever wasted when you follow Him.  -Warren Wiersbe, With the Word

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147: 3 NKJ

Grief and sorrow become a divine rendezvous with the Prince of Peace, the Father of mercies, and the Spirit who "intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words" (Romans 8:26, NASB).  Paradoxically, our most treasured times become not the mountaintop experiences, but the valleys of despair . . . We cannot truly weep for joy until we have wept for sorrow. -Jan Frank, A Graceful Waiting

All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. -2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NLT

As I have written these passages and quotes, they have spoken to me once again.  It is so nice to read these and receive some encouragement and feel some "hope". 

A letter to my son

My Dear Chandler,

I was riding down the road this morning and as I often do, I think of you.  I wanted so badly to see you and to talk to you.  So, I just had this desire to sit and write you a letter.

I can remember the day of your birth so clearly.  The day I found out that I was pregnant with you, I fell in love.  For 9 months, we prepared for your arrival.  We were so excited.  Then that day came.  Labor and delivery was long.  After your birth, I can remember them handing you to me for the first time.  You were so beautiful and I was so happy to finally meet you in person.  You had a lot of hair and it stood up all over the place.  It's funny to think that you were born with so much long hair and then when you got older, you always wanted long hair.

You brought so much pleasure.  You were a calm, content baby.  I can remember when you were a week old, I cried.  And, I did that every week for the longest time as you got older.  I wanted to keep you as my baby forever.   I dreaded the day that you would grow up and move out.  I loved you so much that I wanted you with me forever.  I feel the same way about your brothers and sister. 

From the time you were about 2 or 3 and started to draw with pencils, we knew you were going to be talented.  Even at such a young age, you could draw so well.  I look at your art work now and I can remember when a lot of them were drawn.  I'm so glad we have those drawings.  They are a treasure to us.

I remember when you were in kindergarten.  That's usually when kids learn to write.  You would bring home your writing papers and your letters were so neat and perfect.  I couldn't even write that neatly.  I was so impressed by your work.

You were also a good reader and you enjoyed reading.  I was always so proud of you for that because reading has never been one of my favorite things to do, especially when I was in school.  Whenever we bought books for you, you wanted the hard copy.  You thought they looked neater and you wanted to collect them and put them on your book shelf. 

You loved to laugh and you loved funny things.  One of your favorite shows over the past few years was The Office.  You started watching The Office series on Netflix.  You started with season 1 and worked your way through all of them.  I can remember so many times you sitting at the computer.  You had your headphones on and watching your show.  Everything would be quiet in the house and all of a sudden you would burst out laughing.  I would laugh just by hearing you.  I sure do wish I could hear you laugh now.  I miss that so much! 

You always loved movies.  From the time you were little, you always loved sitting down with the family and enjoying a good movie. As you got older you became a fan of many actors and they were all comedians.  You loved Jim Carrey, Jack Black, Steve Carell, etc.  Like I said, you loved to laugh!  I can remember about 4 years ago when we were introduced to the Napoleon Dynamite movie.  You laughed so hard during that movie.  We finally had to buy one.  I can't recall how many times we've watched it and I will admit, we've all laughed at the silliness in that movie.  What was even funnier was when you would talk and act like Napoleon Dynamite.  You were so good at it.  You could have been a stand in for him in the movie.  That's how good you were.  You looked and sounded just like him when you did your acting.  You made us laugh so many times over that.

You also enjoyed your action packed movies.  You, Caleb and your dad have watched so many war movies and super hero movies.

Music is another thing you loved.  You always had some type of music playing in your room.  There were many times when you would have your music playing in your room and we would all be in the other room with the TV going.  We would have to tell you to please go turn your music off so that we could hear whatever else was on.  You love all types of music.  What amazed me was that you even loved the older music like the 80's music.  That was probably some of your favorite music.  You asked for some of the older CD's when you were about 13 & 14 yrs. old.  What other young teenager does that?  Maybe there are some.  I just know when I was a kid, I wasn't interested in my parents music.  I wanted to listen to the current music.  I appreciated that you enjoyed listening to music that your parents grew up listening to.

You also enjoyed playing the keyboard.  You took some lessons for a while and you learned it fairly quickly.  We were hoping to get you signed up for more lessons because we knew you were talented at it.  A few months ago, we were at the church in the youth suite.  I was talking to some friends and heard someone playing the drums.  I looked up and it was you.  I remember saying "where did he learn to do that?"  I had no idea you could play a beat.  Then I found out that you had gone on YouTube and learned how to play some.  That's when you let us know that you were interested in learning to play the drums.  Your Dad and I were all for it.  If you can go online and learn something that quickly and easily then we wanted you to have a drum set and play.  You and Caleb are both very talented when it comes to music.  I'm so happy about that because I never was. 

For a few years when we lived in Wake Forest, you played Upward Basketball.  You loved it.  You were so disappointed when you got too old to play for Upward.  So, last year, when Corben played Upward for the first time, you were so excited.  You took pictures of him playing and you just really loved being there and watching his games.  You helped teach Corben some things about the game and you would practice with him.  I know that Corben will always remember that and I'm so thankful ya'll had the love of basketball in common.

Photography was a passion of yours.  You had a digital camera and you were always looking for something to take a picture of.  You were always hoping to take that "perfect picture".   You took over my video camera which was fine with me.  You knew how to work it better that I did.  You made your own videos and movies all the time.  You would use your friends and siblings as your actors.  You would video and then edit it and come up with a great movie.  I'm so thankful today to have those videos and movies to look back on. 

There are so many great things I remember about you.  You were so quiet, generous, kind, loving, etc.  I could go on and on.  From a young age, your Dad taught you and Caleb to hold the door open for me.  He wanted to teach you to be a gentlemen and hold the door open for people, especially a woman.  He taught ya'll well because you learned it and you lived it.  If you were ever in front of me, you would hold the door.  You would hold it for other people as well.  Ya'll would even notice when other men wouldn't hold it for women and you would tell us about what you saw.  You couldn't believe that they would be so rude.  You were always respectful to adults.  You always knew when you needed to be on your best behavior. 

There are so many things that I think of that bring a smile to my face.  You never were a fan of just a plain 'ol brownie.  You liked them with powdered sugar sprinkled on top.  You called them "flower bunnies".  You started calling them that when you were a lot younger and it just stuck.  I have no idea why you called them that.  The brownies didn't look anything like a bunny.  So, I had a Pampered Chef shaker that usually has powdered sugar in it so that you could shake it on brownies when you had them.  The other day I was getting something off of the shelf and I saw that shaker.  It has powdered sugar in it.  I just started crying.   You recently had eaten a "flower bunny" and I knew you were the last one to use that shaker. 

You loved chocolate milk.  You made some every morning and every night.  You had your own way of making it that I'll always remember.  You were loud when you stirred the syrup into the milk.  We knew when you were the one in the kitchen making milk.   You were also a smacker when you ate.  Normally, that is rude and people don't like it.  It never really bothered me.  It didn't bother me because my Papa (your great grandpa) did that.  Every time you ate, I would think of him.  Papa was also loud when he made his drinks.  When he added sugar to his coffee, he would stir for the longest time and clang the spoon from side to side of the cup.  I believe you had a lot of Papa Thompson in you.  Now, the 2 of you are together in Heaven.

When you went to bed, your bed had to be perfect.  The covers had to be neat and straight.  They were barely messed up when you woke up in the morning.  For the most part, your room was always in order too.  You didn't like clutter and chaos.  It's so funny because you and Caleb are so different in those areas.  Caleb doesn't have to have the bed with perfectly neat covers and his room is usually chaos.  Ya'll are both so different.  That's why ya'll were so perfect for each other.

You also loved playing the video games and you were good at them.  You were usually the one to ask for a new game for your birthday or Christmas.  You actually got one this year for your birthday and beat the game in just a few days.  I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for that.  It doesn't bother me that you loved playing the games so much because I knew that you also loved reading and you always got your school work done.  You actually enjoyed school.  You had recently finished one of your subjects.  It was a science elective that was short.  You brought it to me and told me you had finished it.  You also said that you wanted me to get you a different subject to work on.  Even though that was an elective and you finished it, you wanted to do more.  I was amazed by that!

When you and Caleb were little and were asked a question, ya'll would answer it differently than most people.  If it was a question that would usually get a "uh-huh" answer, ya'll wouldn't say that.  You would say "yes-huh" and "no-huh".  It was just recently that a question was asked and you answered "yes-huh".  I just laughed.  Even at 16, you would still answer like that and I loved it.

One of the things that makes losing you so hard is the fact that you were so talented in so many things as well as smart.  I believe you could have been anything that you wanted to be.  You could have been a musician, a photographer, a movie director, a doctor, etc.  The list could go on.  I hate that we'll never know.  

I want you to know that I'll always remember these things about you.  And, there are many more memories that will come to mind and I'll continue to write them down.  I want to make sure I never forget them.  I also want to share them with Corben & Carlie one day.  They are so young that they will forget some stuff.  I don't want them to forget if I can help it.  I want Caleb, Corben & Carlie to always remember their big brother and what a fun, great big brother he was.

Chandler, I love you with my whole heart.  I always will.  I am so blessed to be your mom.

I miss you and love you so much,

Your proud Mama