Whispers from Heaven

Today started out as just a typical day.  But, this afternoon was filled with quite a few surprises.  I had to take Caleb to his chemistry class.  After he was finished, I took him, Nathan (a friend who's visiting), Corben and Carlie and dropped them off at the church so that they could be there for Corben's Upward basketball practice.  I needed to come home and get some things done.  The first thing I did when I got home was check the mail.  I also noticed when I pulled up into my driveway that I had a package on my front porch.  So, I brought all of my mail in.  I started to open the mail.  There were several Christmas cards.  A couple of the cards brought tears to my eyes - a lot of tears!  Since Chandler went to heaven, I've been blessed with a lot of new friends.  These are special friends but I've never met them in person.  The sad thing is that we have become friends because we have all lost a child.  We are grieving moms.  Although most of us haven't met each other, we care for one another.  We keep in touch on a Facebook page where we leave messages of all kinds.  We share our pain, our beautiful memories of our children, our sadness, our encouragement to one another, our frustration, etc.  If we are having an especially bad day, we can go there and let it all out and we know that all of the other moms will be lifting us up in prayer for that day.  If we are having a good day or we've received a word from the Lord, we can go there and share with the others.  We remember our children's birthdays together and we also remember the days that they left us for heaven.  It is an amazing group of women.  It's just sad the way we met and what we all have in common.  I said all of that to say that one of those ladies sent me a beautiful card today with a bookmark in it that had a great poem.  It says: 

No Tears in Heaven

There are no tears in Heaven
  nor grief of any kind;
I leave this final teardrop
  to those I've left behind.

Though absent from the body,
  I'm present with the Lord;
  the joy of my salvation
  is now my full reward.

And just as God has promised,
  He's wiped my tears away,
and nothing can compare to
  the wonder of that day.

So keep me in your memory
  and know that up above
there are no tears in Heaven,
  instead there's only Love.

(Thank you Jan!)

I received another card from our next door neighbors from when we lived in Chesapeake.  I used to baby sit their boys.  They have sent us a Christmas card every year since we left Chesapeake back in 1999.  Last year, I received her card and realized that I hadn't told her about Chandler.  So, I had the difficult job of writing her a letter and telling her about what happened.  This year, in her card, she sent something.  She said she had enclosed some "memories".  There were several pictures of Chandler and Caleb with her 2 boys.  They were all so little.  Chandler and Caleb were only about 3 and 4 years old.  I just cried and cried looking at those pictures and remembering those times.  I was so touched that she sent them.  What a wonderful gift! 

I started to open the package that was on the porch.  It was from my family.  In it were some dragonflies for me to put on our Christmas tree.   There were some other special gifts.  My parents go to church with a lady who has also lost a son.  She has sent me several notes and things over the past year to encourage.  She's a little farther along in the grieving process so she takes what she has learned and helps others who are going through it.  She sent me a beautiful glass ornament with Chandler's name written on it.  In it is a feather and a poem attached that says: 

A feather from an angel 
is one we rarely see.
But this one is quite different
and special as can be.

The feather is a reminder
of God's unending love.
He sent a guardian angel
to watch you from above.

Every time you stumble,
every time you fall,
Thank God for His angels
who watch over us all.

She also sent a beautiful wind chime with an angel on top.  Chandler's name is written on the part that bangs against the chimes.  It also came with a poem:

Whispers from Heaven

When I left this world without you
I know it made you blue,
Your tears fell freely, I watched;
I know this is true.

While you were weeping,
Days after I passed away
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.

From this wonderful place called Heaven,
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper,
"My loved ones, please go on"

(Thank you Judy!  You are a blessing!)

I've put the new ornament on the tree as well as the dragonflies.  Also on our tree this year is a new ornament for each of us.  The other new ornaments we have this year are ones we have made.  We have Chandler's ornaments on their that people have given us as gifts.  I have his dove from one of his flower arrangements.  I have a strand of dragonfly lights on the tree as well and his hat that is topping our tree once again.  To me, it's the perfect tree!

Another interesting thing about this afternoon is that I was home alone.  All of these things came on a day where I could just enjoy them, think of Chandler and cry.  I cried and cried.  The timing was perfect.  There were no distractions.  I was just able to be in the midst of all of these special things by myself.  I feel like all of these things were "whispers from heaven" for me today.  I feel like I had Christmas today and the best thing is I feel like these gifts were from Chandler.  I needed this afternoon and I'm very thankful that God worked it all out this way.

I love you Chandler!

Resolutions for Bereaved Parents

I received the following in an email today:

 

Resolutions for Bereaved Parents:

I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving, and I will not let others put a time table on my grief.

I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.

I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now."

I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.

I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how it feels.

I will not blame myself for my child's death, and I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done.  But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming me, I will remind myself that this is a normal part of the grief process and it will pass.

I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it is necessary.

I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and I won't feel compelled to explain this communication to others or to justify--or even discuss it--with them.

I will try to eat, sleep and exercise every day in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.

I will know that I am not losing my mind and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy and a sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process.

I know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.  I will let myself heal and not feel guilty about feeling better when it starts to happen.

I will remind myself that the grief process is circuitous--that is, I will not make steady upward progress.  And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the grief process, and these moods, too, will pass.

Holiday Bill of Rights

I received an email today that had the Holiday Bill of Rights for those who are grieving.  It was found in a grief newsletter that someone received.  It is perfect and I wanted to be sure that I always had it so I'm sharing it here. 


 

HOLIDAY BILL of RIGHTS 

1. You have the right to say TIME OUT, any time you need to. Time out to let

up, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays, have a "huddle" time

and start over.

2. You have a right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS when people ask, How are you? You

have a right to tell them how you REALLY feel, not just what they want to

hear. *You need to take care of yourself. Be attuned to your feelings (*P.S.

You also have the right to smile and say you're fine, because telling them how

you really feel, isn't worth your time - some people will never understand

anyway)

3. You have the right to SOME "BAH HUMBUG" DAYS. You don't have to be "Jolly

Old St. Nicholas" all the time. You are not a bad person just because you

don't feel like singing Christmas carols all day.

4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says

you must always do Chanukah and Christmas the same way. You can send 10

cards instead of 100 -- or no cards at all. You can open presents at

somebody else's house. You can do without a tree. You can have a pizza

instead of turkey!-the list is endless.

5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home, or at the

relatives or with friends. Be in any city, any state you choose! NOBODY SAID

YOU HAVE TO HAVE SNOW TO HAVE CHRISTMAS. There's no law that says you must

stay home!

6. You have the right to have SOME FUN. Don't be afraid of what someone will

say if they see you laughing and having a good time. Laughter is every bit

as therapeutic as tears. If you are doing something that your loved one

would have also enjoyed, think of their laughter and feel their laughter

inside of you.

7. You have the right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MID-STREAM. Grief is

unpredictable. You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and be

suddenly overwhelmed, immobilized. When that happens it's okay to change

your mind.

8. You have the right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church or

synagogue at a different time. Open presents at a different time. Serve your

meal at a different time. Give up and go to bed at a different time. Don't

be a slave to the holiday clock.

9. You have the right to REST, PEACE, and SOLITUDE. You don't need to be

busy all the time. Take a nap whenever you need one. Take time to pray and

meditate or recharge your spirit, it can do you much more good than eating

another huge meal.

10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR.  Just because you change things one year or try something different, does not mean you have written it in stone. Next year, you can always change it back or do it, in yet, another new way.

1 Year

I have just lived through the worst year of my entire life.  I have cried more this year than I have throughout my life.  It has been an emotional year and a tiring year.  One thing I've learned is that grief will wear you out.  I never imagined that our family would be on this journey.  It's something every parent fears but you never think it will happen to you.  Sometimes, it's still hard for me to believe that it has happened to us.  What we're going through seems so surreal sometimes. 

People say to me "I don't know how you do it".  Honestly, I don't either!  It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.  All I know is that I have no other choice but to do it.  I have 3 other kids that still need me.  I have a husband.  I have family.  I have friends (so many great friends)!  It's because of the people in my life that I have to go on.  Trust me, it would be so much easier to give up!  But, how would that help the people around me?  So, as hard as it is, I have to continue on, one day at a time.

I've learned this year that Chandler has a ton of great friends, and so do we!  We've had so many people thinking of us and praying for us and doing everything they can to help us during this time.  I've been amazed at the love and support.

As we've gone through the past year, there have been tons of "firsts" that we've had to deal with; holidays, birthdays, vacation, etc.  Every day is hard but those days are extra hard!  As we did different things throughout the year, I could remember back to the past year and remember when Chandler was with us and the different things he did or said.  One of the things that bothers me about approaching the 1 year anniversary is that I don't have that anymore.  We won't have memories of Chandler from last year.  That bothers me because the time that he was with us is just going to be farther away.  We do still have the memories and I'm thankful for that.  I just don't like the distance that's coming between those memories.

I've always known that I was blessed with some great kids!  I'm proud of all of them.  I'm even more proud of them today than I was a year ago.  I've learned things about Chandler from other people over the last year that I didn't know about.  It's been nice to hear about the different things.  They've all been great things and they make me love him even more.  It's the same way with my other kids.  Caleb has been amazing!  He has been so strong in dealing with all of this.  I was worried about him because he was there the day of accident.  He witnessed what happened to his brother/friend.   But, he has kept his faith and he remembers the good things about his brother.  He has been an inspiration to many, including me.  Corben and Carlie are young but they've been amazing as well.  Early on, Carlie would comfort me when she saw me at my saddest times.  She would sit beside me and rub on me or just be close.  Corben talks about Chandler a lot.  He'll talk about things that he remembers Chandler doing or things that he said.  The kids will say something about him nearly every day.  That's important!  They are young and I want them to hold onto those memories.  I don't want them to forget.  

As we start a new year tomorrow without Chandler, I don't know what to expect.  It's hard for me to believe that we've gone on this long.  Our family is incomplete and we're having to learn day by day how to live that way.  We'll just keep doing what we're doing and pray that God continues to hold onto us until we're all together again some day. 

The past week has been very emotional and tiring as we've celebrated Chandler's first birthday without him here with us as well as his 1st anniversary in heaven.  We are exhausted!  But, we're leaving tomorrow afternoon for some time of respite.  Chad has been blessed with some time off.  On top of that, we've had some wonderful people open up their beach home to us so that we can get away as a family.  I am so thankful for this opportunity for our family.  We need it!  I'm hoping we can come home refreshed.  We still have the holidays ahead which I'm not looking forward to.  But, hopefully, the time away will allow me to relax and come back ready and able to take on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

My sister sent me a text today and I want to share something she said.  It's the only good thing I could say about it being the one year anniversary:  "We're a year closer to being with him again".

Chandler, I love you and miss you so much.  You are always in my thoughts and you will always be in my heart.  I look forward to the day when I see you again.  Be ready to receive the biggest and longest hug ever. 











 

Remembering Chandler

It was one year ago today that I got that horrible phone call.  I know exactly where I was as if it had just happened.  I'll never forget it.  I was at the mall with Corben & Carlie walking down the aisle in JC Penney's.  I answered the phone and it was Chad.  He informed me that Chandler had been in an accident.  He didn't know details, just that he was being taken to the hospital on an ambulance.  Of course, a little later, we found out that he was being airlifted.  When I received that phone call, my heart just sank.  Naturally, my mind started to wonder what was wrong with him.  How bad was he?  Maybe he just had some broken bones.  Little did I know that on that day our lives would be changed forever. 

Today, we had some friends who wanted to do something with us to celebrate Chandler.  Chandler had and still has some amazing friends.  The neat thing is that Chandler's friends have parents who are our friends.  So, some of Chandler's closest friends and their families met us at the grave today.  When we got there, we all waited together in the parking lot until everyone showed up.  They brought some balloons and we wrote notes on them.  Then, we all walked over to Chandler's grave.  I had brought a picture of Chandler with me so I placed it on the grave so that we would all be able to look at him.  We started out by letting those that were interested share some things about Chandler; things they loved about him or remembered.  After the sharing time, we all released our balloons together and while we released them we said together "in the hands of God."  We stood for a few minutes just watching those balloons fly off.  After that, they had the men gather around Chad, the women gathered around me, the teens were with Caleb and the younger kids were with Corben & Carlie.  Then, each group prayed for us.  Yes, even the little kids.   They were 10 years old and under.  Those young kids stood with Corben and Carlie and prayed for them.  Amazing!  The loss of Chandler hasn't just affected our family.  It has affected so many other people.  Some of those affected by it have been Chandler's friends.  So, each husband and wife couple grabbed a child who was not their own and prayed for them.  After that, we stood around a few minutes.  As I looked around at all of Chandlers/our friends standing at Chandler's grave, it just hit me how blessed we are.  We have so many great friends.  Genuine friends!  Friends who truly love our family.  These friends were willing to take some of their Sunday and spend it at the grave with us.  These are just a handful of friends who have tried their hardest to help us get through this horrible year.  And, I know that they will continue to be there for us in the days ahead.  They planned this day for us and they did an incredible job.  I really hope that Chandler felt the love today.  I know I did!  The love these families have for Chandler and the rest of our family is a huge blessing.  I am so thankful for each and every one of them. 

After visiting together at the grave, there was only one other thing we could do.  We all went to eat together and of course, it had to be Mexican!  Chandler wouldn't have it any other way!!

To the McKinney, Leet, Goad, Smith and Eanes family:  We love you!!

Chandler's Birthday

17 years ago today, my first baby was born - Curtis Chandler Coleman, Jr.  I can remember that day as if it just happened.  As soon as Chandler was born, the doctor laid him on my chest and I held him for the first time.  I'll never forget the love I felt for my sweet baby boy.  The labor was long (33 hours).  Every other time I saw my doctor after Chandler was born, he always referred to my labor and delivery as an "ordeal".  If I were to run into my doctor today, I have no doubt that he would remember us.  He was an awesome doctor!  As I've remembered back to those 33 hours of labor and the pain I experienced, I have come to realize that the pain I experienced back on Nov. 8 - 9, 1994 was nothing compared to the pain I'm dealing with now.  The pain I felt giving birth resulted in joy.  Once Chandler was born, that pain was forgotten.  I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms.  The pain I have in my heart now just lingers.  There is no joy to come at the end of today.  Chandler is not going to walk in the house tonight for me to wish him a happy birthday.  For the first time in 17 years, I didn't make him a birthday cake.  I couldn't go birthday shopping.  I can't look at pictures from his birthday last year and see how much he's grown or how much he's changed.  I have no idea what he would look like at 17.  He will forever be 16 to me because that's how old he was when he went to heaven.

I ran across the poem below a while back and thought I would include it here:

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

As we prepared for today, I struggled with what to do.  It's hard to do anything but it seems so wrong to do nothing.  I thought about making the birthday cake that Chandler always requests (chocolate cake with chocolate icing) but I knew there was no way I would get through baking a cake.  So, baking a cake was out.  Of course, we had friends take care of us.  They provided a chocolate cake with chocolate icing in honor of Chandler's birthday.  They gave it to us yesterday.  Then, today, I received a call from a local cupcake shop in the area.  My sister and her family had ordered us a dozen cupcakes and they were delivered to us.  So, we have some beautiful cupcakes to enjoy on Chandler's birthday as well.

We went to the grave today.  On our way, we stopped and bought some balloons.  I got a small one to keep there in the flower arrangement.  I also got a red heart balloon that we all wrote on and placed it at the grave as well.  Then, we all picked out our own balloon to write a note on and release at the grave.  When we got to the grave, I put some sheets out on the ground to sit on.  We sat there and wrote on our balloons.  I also took a few baby pictures of Chandler and placed on the grave while we were there just to remember back to the day when he was born and when he was so little.  We all released our balloons one at a time and just stood there and watched as each balloon flew away.  

Chad just laid in the grass for a while at the cemetery while he held onto his balloon for Chandler.  At one point he said how "surreal" this all still seems.  It's so true.  Even though, it's almost a year later, it's still so hard to believe this has happened.  We are celebrating our son's birthday at his grave.  It's so hard to comprehend even though we stand there and see his name on his memorial.  We are living every parent's nightmare!

Once again, I am amazed at the friends and family who still continue to be with us during this journey.  Even though we're approaching the end of our first year without Chandler here with us, we have so many great people who continue to lift us up in prayer, send us cards, prepare meals for us, send texts, send messages on Facebook, etc.  I wish I could express to you all how much you mean to us.  I wish I could let you all know how much you are appreciated.  I wish you all could know that y'all really are helping us through this.  But, there are no words.  I can't seem to come up with the right words to say to really express how I feel.  I am just so thankful for each and every one of you!

I'm also very thankful for the youth group at the church.  I didn't go to church tonight but I was told today that they were all going to wear blue ribbons tonight in honor of Chandler's birthday.  I also just heard that they all sang Happy Birthday to Chandler tonight as well.  I appreciate that they still remember him and that they talk about him. That is one thing I want so badly!  I want Chandler to be remembered!  The youth group meant a lot to Chandler.  He loved being there!  If he were here, he wouldn't want them to make a big deal of his birthday but I'm so thankful that in his absence, he is being remembered.  

I will confess that I failed as a mom today.  Earlier today I was trying to get us ready to leave the house.  Corben wasn't getting some work done that he needed to get done.  He had been working on it for an hour.  I was already an emotional wreck and he was frustrating me!  So, I finally let him know it.  I was crying.  He was crying.  It was horrible.  He went to his room and I went my way.  I felt horrible.  I felt like such a failure as a mom.  I'm dwelling so much on Chandler, our loss, my pain, etc. that it's hurting my other kids.  I'm hurting my other kids.  I don't want that to happen.  So, after a while, I went into his room and he was still crying.  I talked to him for a while and I apologized.  I told him I love him and we hugged. 

In the midst of the heartache, I've tried to remember things about Chandler that would make me smile.  He was so fun and he loved to laugh and there are definitely plenty of things he did that made me laugh.  So, that's why I'm including another poem here.  What it says is true but it has a little humor in it.  The last lines sound like something Chandler would say to me.

"My Mom Lies”

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies.

She never did before.

From now until the day she dies,

she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is,

and because she can't explain,

She will tell a little lie

because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

She'll say, “I'm alright”.

If that's the truth, then tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

She seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see

nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

“I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping”.

For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth

just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.

I cannot hug from here.

So If she lies to you don't listen,

hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

I'll smile and I'll be bold.

I'll say, “You're lucky to get in here, Mom,

With all the lies you told!     


So, the day is almost over.  With so many prayers going up for us, we've made it.  Of course, it's been a tiring day.  Being so emotional is tiring.  On top of that, dealing with the stress and worry of leading up to today as well as trying to get through today has given me a mild headache.  So, I'm looking forward to and hoping for a good night's sleep tonight.  Tomorrow is another day and we'll face it when it comes but getting through Chandler's birthday was a difficult one and we've made it.  Thank you Lord!  And, thank you friends and family!


My dear Chandler,


We've just celebrated your birthday without you with us.  It was so hard and so emotional.  We tried so hard to celebrate you and show you how much we love and miss you.  It's hard to know what you know there in heaven about what goes on here on earth.  But, I hope that God allowed you a little glimpse of your family today, just to remind you of how much we love you.


I am so proud and blessed to be your Mama.  God showed me so much love when he gave you, Caleb, Corben and Carlie to me.  


I hope that you have had a great birthday.  I'm pretty confident that since you're in the presence of God then this has to be the best birthday you've ever had.  It had to be perfect!  


I love you with all of my heart!!  I always will!!  Happy Birthday!


I love you,
Mom

Dreaded days ahead

We have some days coming up that are going to be harder than normal.  I can't help but think of the days that are approaching; Chandler's birthday, the anniversary of the accident and the anniversary of Chandler going to heaven.  I'm dreading the days.  Lately, when I go to bed, my mind has been going crazy with all these things coming up.  With those thoughts also come other things that bother me such as images that I don't need to see before trying to go to sleep.  But, it's so hard to get my mind to just STOP!  I try so hard though.  There are so many nights that I lay there and say "Lord, I can't do this now.  My mind can't go there.  Please help me!" 

In addition to all of these things coming up, I'm also dreading the holidays.  I have no desire to even have Thanksgiving or Christmas.  We do have some great friends who have invited us to join them for Thanksgiving.  I'm thankful for that because I believe it will be better for us to be there than to be here at home.  But, then, there is Christmas.  The decorations, shopping, celebration, excitement, etc.  I could care less this year.  It's so unlike me.  I used to want to have my Christmas decorations up before Thanksgiving because I wanted them up as long as possible.  Now, I want to avoid it!  I feel like such a Scrooge!  The sad thing is that the way I feel is so unfair to my kids.  I should be so excited to be doing all of the "stuff" for them in order to see their happiness, their excitement and to give them the best holidays and to give them holiday memories to look back on when they are older.  Instead, my mind dwells on our loss and the fact that I have to get through these holidays without my oldest child.  My kids have to go through the holidays and the rest of their lives without their older brother.  This will actually be our 2nd Thanksgiving and Christmas without Chandler.  But, this year is just as hard or even harder than last year.  I believe that everything was so fresh last year that I was in a daze.  Reality has hit now!  And, reality hurts!!

Because of the time of the year, we're trying to get away as much as possible.  We are going this next week for 2 days to Gatlinburg to get away.  We've also been blessed in that we have been given some time off around the "anniversary" date to have family time.  I want to be here on the 14th so we are leaving on the 15th to go to the beach and just be together as a family.  We've been blessed with some great friends who have offered their beach home to us for that time.

On a different note, we received a letter 2 weeks ago from the recipient of Chandler's kidney.  The recipient was a 19 yr. old boy.  His mom wrote us the letter.  Reading that letter stirred up so many different emotions at once; happiness for their family, sadness for our family, anger because it took my son to save her son, etc.  The happiest day of that mother's life was the worst day of this mother's life.  I am so thankful that they wrote us though.  They were so appreciative of our son's "gift".  We hope to continue to build a relationship with the family as well as the other recipients.  There are a lot of rules in how we correspond to each other but eventually, we will have the freedom to share more information.  It appears that this family wants to know us because their letter had their address and phone number on it.  Of course, that all had to be removed before we received the letter.  We're not able to share that information yet.  I hope and pray that one day we will be able to meet the recipients.  The recipients who now carry my son's organs. 

11 Months

11 months ago, Chandler went to heaven.  It's so hard to believe it has been that much time.  It's still hard to comprehend sometimes that this is our life now.

My parents came to town yesterday so I've been able to spend the day with them, Chad, and the kids.  It has made the day more bearable.   Of course, we've still had our share of tears.  We went to the cemetery today.  Chandler's new headstone came in this week so we saw it today for the first time.  It's beautiful and I think we did a great job of designing one that fits who Chandler is.  It has his name and dates on it and there are 3 images on it.  One is an artist palette because Chandler loved drawing so much.  There is an image of a camera because photography was something else he was passionate about.  Then, there is a scroll that reads "In the hands of God".  We also have "Perfect son, brother and friend" on it.  It's still so shocking to go to the cemetery and stand over my son's grave.  It seems so wrong to me.  It's very surreal being there.

Caleb had 2 soccer games today so we were able to enjoy watching him play so hard and passionately.  Of course, he plays right in front of the hospital that Chandler was in.  So, as I sat watching Caleb's game, I was also looking at the hospital in the background.  11 months ago today, we had to say goodbye to Chandler and walk out of that hospital.  I can still see it so clearly in my mind, as if it just happened.  


Chandler, you are missed and loved so much!

Still Struggling

For the last week or so, I've been even more emotional.  I'm missing Chandler so much I can hardly stand it.  The heart ache I feel is as fresh and painful as it was the day he left us and went to heaven.  I live with a sadness in me.  I try hard not to let it show so much, especially with the kids, but it's there.  They see the tears sometimes but most of the time, I'll just go back to my bathroom and shut the door and let the tears fall.  Of course, yesterday, I wasn't even home and the tears came over me so quickly.  I was actually at our co-op.  There was some time where I didn't really have anything to do.  I was freezing so I walked outside in the sun to warm up.  I ended up going and sitting in my car and cried for 30 minutes.  I tried several times to get control of myself and go back in but the tears would keep falling.  Finally, I was able to go back in the building.  But, as soon I got inside, I had to find an empty room to hide out in and cry more.

Our life is so different now without Chandler.  Yes, I have Caleb, Corben and Carlie and I love them with everything in me.  But, when I see them or our family together, I see the one that is not there - Chandler.  The other day Caleb had a birthday party to be at.  He was already there when I had to stop by and give him something.  When I parked, I looked up and someone was walking to me.  His head was down a little and I felt the insides of my body just fall.  My mouth dropped.  That person walking to me looked exactly like Chandler.  I really thought "it's Chandler!"  I was so excited for a second.  It was so real, that at first, I thought this has all been a bad dream.  But, reality hit.  I realized it was Caleb.  He was wearing one of Chandler's jackets that he used to wear a lot.  The resemblance that day was unreal.

Last week we went to the hospital (the one Chandler was in) to check on someone.  I had not been back there since the day I left it, Nov. 14.  It's not a place I want to be.  I don't even like riding past it and looking over at it.  I get this sick feeling inside of me.  But, I was willing to go there on this particular day.  We got in to the information desk and Chad asked them for the room we needed to go to.  She mentioned a number that started with a 9.  My heart sunk.  Chandler was on the 9th floor.  My whole insides were shaking by now and tears were in my eyes.  How was I going to do this?  Chad said I didn't have to if I didn't want to.  I knew that.  But, I felt like I really needed to check on this family.  I mean, it was my idea to go to the hospital in the first place.  We took the elevator up to the 9th floor.  I walked carefully and tried not to look too hard at things for fear that I would see something that I recognized and then they would probably be picking me up off of the floor.  We got to where we needed to be and got our update.  Then it was time to leave.  Fortunately, we didn't seem to be in the same area that we were in when we were there with Chandler.  I didn't see the waiting room.  I didn't see the doors we had to walk through to see Chandler.  As hard as it was to be there, those things were blessings.  It could have been so much worse!

I'll be honest and say I've felt very discouraged lately.  Sometimes I feel as if God has forgotten us.  But, I'm trying to find some encouragement in the following devotion for today.

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. (Job 42:12)

   Job found his legacy through the grief he experienced.  He was tried that his godliness might be confirmed and validated.  In the same way, my troubles are intended to deepen my character and to clothe me in gifts I had little of prior to my difficulties, for my ripest fruit grows against the roughest wall.  I come to a place of glory only through my own humility, tears, and death, just as Job's afflictions left him with a higher view of God and more humble thoughts of himself.  At last he cried, "Now my eyes have seen you" (v. 5).
   If I experience the presence of God in His majesty through my pain and loss, so that I bow before Him and pray, "Your will be done" (Matt. 6:10), then I have gained much indeed.  God gave glimpses of his future glory, for in those weary and difficult days and nights, he was allowed to penetrate God's veil and could honestly say, "I know that my Redeemer lives" (Job 19:25).  So truly: "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first."  from In the Hour of Silence

    Trouble never comes to someone unless it brings a nugget of gold in its hand.

   Apparent adversity will ultimately become an advantage for those of us doing what is right, if we are willing to keep serving and to wait patiently.  Think of the great victorious souls of the past who worked with steadfast faith and who were invincible and courageous!  There are many blessings we will never obtain if we are unwilling to accept and endure suffering.  There are certain joys that can come to us only through sorrow.  There are revelations of God's divine truth that we will receive only when the lights of earth have been extinguished.  And there are harvests that will grow only once the plow has done its work. selected
   It is from suffering that the strongest souls ever known have emerged; the world's greatest display of character is seen in those who exhibit the scars of sorrow; the martyrs of the ages have worn their coronation robes that have glistened with fire, yet through their tears and sorrow have seen the gates of heaven. Chapin

I will know by the gleam and glitter
   Of the golden chain you wear,
By your heart's calm strength in loving,
   Of the fire you have had to bear.
Beat on, true heart, forever;
   Shine bright, strong golden chain;
And bless the cleansing fire
   And the furnace of living pain!

A Disturbing Dream

I just don't get it!  Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I woke up.  This time, it was a dream that woke me up.  I always want so badly to dream about Chandler.  I can't have him here with us so it would be nice to at least see him in a dream.  I've only had about 2 brief ones so far and neither was good.  Last night was the same thing.  The dream was longer but it wasn't pleasant at all.  It wasn't comforting.  It was very disturbing.  When I woke up, I got up to go check on the kids thinking that it might help me to get my mind off of what I had just experienced in the dream.  Then, I went back to bed.  My mind was going crazy.  I couldn't clear it.  My eyes watered with tears.  I was so close to just getting up and going to the other room to read or do something to distract myself for a while.  But, I didn't.  Instead, I laid in bed trying to think of everything I could to get my mind off of the dream so that I could go back to sleep.  Of course, it was really hard to do because what I really wanted was to know "why did I have that dream?"  I miss Chandler so much and it hurts so badly to not have him here with us.  Then, I have this dream that is so disturbing.  How is that helping me?  It's NOT!!  It makes me question things and wonder things that I should not be thinking about.  So, after a while, I was finally able to fall asleep and get a few more hours rest before I had to get up for the day.  Of course, since I've been up, my mind keeps drifting back to last night.  I've cried.  I've looked at Chandler's pictures.  I miss him so much!!  I hate that I had that dream.  I don't understand it.  Maybe, it's not supposed to mean anything but it was so upsetting to me that I can't help but wonder why my mind had to go there.  I just hope and pray it doesn't happen again. 

10 months!

Another month has gone by without Chandler here with us.  It seems like it's been so long since we've seen him.  Yet, it also feels like just yesterday I walked out of the hospital, leaving him behind.  It's all still so fresh in my memory.  There are times when I'll be driving down the road and out of the blue my mind will start thinking of that horrible time in the hospital.  I see Chandler in that hospital bed and it just kills me.  There was nothing I could do to help him.  A mama wants to help her children and I couldn't do that.  I was in church this past Sunday morning and for some reason my mind went back to the funeral.  I could see Chandler's casket down in the front of the church.  I don't know why my mind went there.  It just happened.

A lot of people probably think 'it's been 10 months, they should be fine now'.  Until people are in the shoes we're in, they'll never know what it's like.  It's hell!  10 months doesn't mean I'm better!  10 months means it has been that long since I've heard my sweet boy's voice.  It's been 10 months since I've heard his wonderful, contagious laugh!  It's been so long since I've seen him walk through the house, work in the yard, or play with his brothers and sister.  10 months means I miss him more and more each day.  I never thought I could miss someone the way I miss him!  There are days when I just want to scream.  I want to cuss.  I want to just run through the house and break things.  Sometimes, I just want to give up.  As horrible as it sounds, I've thought "what if our entire family was just involved in a car accident and we were all killed"?  Then, we would all be together.  I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy like that but that is the things that go through the mind of a grieving mother. 

Corben and Carlie were recently watching some of Chandler's videos.  They talk about him and see his pictures everywhere.  It breaks my heart that they don't have their biggest brother here with them.  He was so good at playing with them and including them in things.  I also wish he was here for Caleb.  They were close in age so it was always 'Chandler & Caleb'.  It's very different to see Caleb - without Chandler.  Caleb has really grown up the past year.  I guess he really hasn't had a choice.  Losing a sibling will change you.  He makes me so proud.  I would love for Chandler to be here to see Caleb as he plays and sings in the praise team in the youth group and he plays soccer and as he learns to drive.  I also see the changes in Caleb as far as his looks go and how much he's growing and I would love to see that in Chandler as well.

Corben sleeps in Chandler's room now.  I went in there 2 weeks ago to get some clothes out for him and got distracted by looking through Chandler's clothes.  I could see him as I looked at some of the clothes, especially the ones that he wore more than others.  I would hold something of his close to me wishing so badly that I was holding onto him.  So, I decided to grab one of his t-shirts and wear it.  I wore that t-shirt to church that night.  Something was said about it and I told them it was Chandler's and then some of the youth recognized it.  I was glad I wore it.  It was somewhat comforting just to have something of his so close to me. 

So, 10 months later, we still hurt.  We still feel the loss every day. There are so many things that trigger the emotions.  Caleb is playing soccer this year for the first time.  The field they play on is directly in front of the hospital that Chandler was in.  So, as I'm sitting there watching Caleb play, my eyes are on the hospital building, where we stood beside Chandler, holding him and praying for him.  Then, there is a building to the right where the life flight helicopters are.  The helicopter that Chandler was brought in on.  The other night, we heard the engine running but it never took off.  At the entrance of the parking lot, there is a Life Net sign.  These are the people that we donated Chandler's organs through.  Apparently, their office is in the building we park behind.  So, at Caleb's first game the other night, I was quite overwhelmed with all this being right there.  I mean when I drive down the highway that takes you past the hospital, I won't even look over that way.  I just get this sick feeling come over me.  Now, I'm having to stare right at it as I watch a soccer game.  But, I'm thankful that while Caleb is playing, I can focus on him and it distracts me from the stuff around me for a while.  I love watching Caleb play.  He's passionate and very energetic and it's exciting to watch him.  I am a very proud mama.  I have been blessed with wonderful children!

I love you Chandler!  I always will!!  Forever, Your Mama

Chandler's laugh

This weekend, Corben and Carlie ran across a voice recorder that belongs to their dad.  All of the kids used to play with it a lot.  They would record things and listen to it.  They put new batteries in it this weekend and started playing around with it.  When I saw that they had it, I asked them if they had heard any old stuff on it.  I knew it was possible that there was stuff on it from Chandler.  They said there was nothing else on it.  So, they played with it all day yesterday and never heard anything on it except what they had been recording and playing back.  This morning, we were getting ready for our co-op group when they were listening to something on it.  One of them brought it to me and asked "who is this?"  It was Chandler!  He was talking and then I heard his laugh!  The laugh got to me!  I miss his laughter so much! It was so sweet to hear yet it was heartbreaking.  If I heard his laughter among a million others, I would be able to pick it out.  So, when I heard that laugh this morning, I just cried.  I was so happy to be able to hear it.  Then, tonight, Carlie was listening to stuff on the recorder again.  I walked by her and heard something and it sounded familiar.  I took it from her and put it up to my ear.  It was Chandler's voice.  Apparently he had written a story one time and he read the entire story on the recorder.  The story is funny and it's definitely an original writing by Chandler.  It's pretty long so I just sat for a while listening to his voice and his laughter.  It was wonderful.  What a treasure to have!

Chandler,

I am so thankful for your humor.  I'm so glad that you loved to laugh so much.  Your laughter puts a smile on my face.  Your laughter is contagious.  I'm glad you liked to write funny stories.  I'm so glad that you sat in your room one day and read aloud one of your stories while playing around on the voice recorder.  I don't know why you did it and I don't know why it never got deleted all of those other times y'all played on that recorder.  I do know that I am so thankful to have it now.  I'm thankful that today I was able to hear your voice and your amazing laughter!  Of course, I wish so badly that you were here with us and I could hear you in person.  But, I'm truly thankful for this gift today.  I will cherish it forever.  We all miss you so much!  Our hearts still hurt and I know they always will.  You are a part of us and we feel so broken without you.  You were and always will be a wonderful son and the best big brother!

I love you so much,
Always your Mom

9 Months

Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of Chandler living in heaven.  Also, for 9 months I carried Chandler in my womb before he was born.  I can remember those 9 months being so exciting.  I could feel him moving inside of me.  I had already lost a baby before I became pregnant with Chandler.  So, when my pregnancy seemed to be going well with Chandler, I became even more excited.  I was actually going to give birth for the first time.  Those 9 months were so sweet!  But, these last 9 months have been just the opposite - bitter!  My first born isn't here with us anymore.  I'm having to learn to live without one of my children here and it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!  I notice his absence in everything that we do.  I miss him terribly!!  Recently, I've been getting our curriculum and school supplies to get ready for our new school year.  This year, I can't purchase Chandler's curriculum.  I can't purchase his school supplies.  Chandler should be starting his junior year in high school.  He would be 16 1/2 right now, driving his car, hanging out with his friends, etc.  If he were still here, I have no doubt that he would still be drawing and he would be directing and producing his movies and using his favorite actor, Corben.     

Once again, God got me through another anniversary date.  Every day is still difficult but the anniversaries take me back to the weekend of the accident.  My mind goes back and I see things that are hard to see.  Seeing those images of Chandler aren't pleasant.  To see him lying there in that hospital bed, hooked up to tubes with his body broken is a painful thing.  And that's what happens to me on the anniversaries.  I guess, eventually, those images will fade a little and that won't happen.  But, for now, it still does.  I wasn't sure how I would manage to get through church yesterday.  But, I went.  Of course, on the way to church, Chad had a CD playing in the car and it was Newsboys.  It was the CD that I had bought for Chandler the day before his accident.  As the CD played, it got to one of the songs that was played at his funeral, No Grave.  So, when I heard it start playing, the tears started.  The song is a great song.  The words are perfect but it's a hard one to listen to. 

After church, we went out to lunch with friends.  So, it was helpful in distracting me a little.  After lunch, we went home for a while until Chad had to be back at church.  I needed to get the kids school supplies so I dropped Chad and the kids off at church and I went shopping.  My friends had already texted me and said that they were having dinner out and invited me along.  Well, I couldn't join them because I really needed to get my shopping done.  I was able to get it done pretty quickly and had time left over before I had to go pick Chad and the kids up.  So, I called my friends and they were still out.  They met me at Starbucks and we were able to have a little time together.  Another distraction for me.  These friends have been so good to me and so helpful during this time.  I love you girls! 

We also received a gift and card from a very special family yesterday.  They were just letting us know they were still praying for us and that they miss Chandler too.  We love you guys!

Now, I want to share my devotion from yesterday. I think the timing was perfect.  It was a reminder of being in God's will.  Of course, being in God's will for me right now is painful.  I'm not happy with God's will for our family right now.  I can't see what we're going through as the "best" for our family.  All is can do is hope that in the end, when I reach heaven, all of this pain was worth it. 



You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. (John 19:11)

     Nothing that is not part of God's will is allowed to come into the life of someone who trusts and obeys Him.  This truth should be enough to make our life one of ceaseless thanksgiving and joy, because God's will is the most hopeful, pleasant, and glorious thing in the world.  It is the continuous working of His omnipotent power for our benefit, with nothing to prevent it, if we remain surrendered and believing.
     Someone who was passing through deep water of affliction wrote a friend: 
     Isn't it glorious to know that no matter how unjust something may be, even when it seems to have come from Satan himself, by the time it reaches us it is God's will for us and will ultimately work to our good?

     "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Rom. 8:28).  Think of what Christ said even as He was betrayed: "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (John 18:11).
     We live fascinating lives if we are living in the center of God's will.  All the attacks that Satan hurls at us through the sins of others are not only powerless to harm us but are transformed into blessings along the way. Hannah Whitall Smith

In the center of the circle
   Of the will of God I stand:
There can come no second causes,
   All must come from His dear hand.
All is well!  for it's my Father
   Who my life has planned.

Shall I pass through waves of sorrow?
   Then I know it will be best;
Though I cannot tell the reason,
   I can trust, and so am blest.
God is Love, and God is faithful.
   So in perfect Peace I rest.

With the shade and with the sunshine,
   With the joy and with the pain,
Lord, I trust You!  both are needed,
   Each Your wayward child to train,
Earthly loss, if we will know it,
   Often means our heavenly gain.         I. G. W.

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no foo, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3:17-18)

     I ask you to observe what a disastrous situation is being described in this passage and to notice how courageous is the faith that is expressed.  It is as if the writer were actually saying, "Even if I am forced to undergo the extreme condition of not knowing where to find my next meal, and although my house is empty and my fields yield no crops and I see the evidence of divine pestilence where I once saw the fruits of God's plentiful provision, 'yet I will rejoice in the Lord.'"
     I believe that these words are worthy of being written forever in stone with a diamond tool.  Oh, by God's grace, may they be deeply etched on the tablets of each of our hearts!  Although the above verse is very concise, it nevertheless implies or expresses the following thoughts of the writer:  that in his time of distress he would flee to God; that he would maintain his spiritual composure under the darkest of circumstances; and that in the midst of everything, he would delight himself with a sacred joy in God and have cheerful expectations of Him.
     Heroic confidence!  Glorious faith!  Unconquerable love!  Philip Doddridge

Last night I heard a robin singing in the rain,
And the raindrop's patter made a sweet refrain,
Making all the sweeter the music of the strain.

So, I though, when trouble comes, as trouble will,
Why should I stop singing?  Just beyond the hill
It may be that sunshine floods the green world still.

He who faces the trouble with a heart of cheer
Makes the burden lighter.  If there falls a tear,
Sweeter is the cadence in the song we hear.

I have learned your lesson, bird with spotted wing,
Listening to your music with its tune of spring--
When the storm cloud darkens, it's the TIME to sing.  Eben Eugene Rexford


For me, it's hard to rejoice in the Lord in my times of struggle.  I see all that's happening in "my world" and I tend to become sad, down, depressed, etc.  I'm certainly not joyful.  I'm not sure how to be joyful in midst of the trials.  This is something else I need to work on and pray about.