10 months!

Another month has gone by without Chandler here with us.  It seems like it's been so long since we've seen him.  Yet, it also feels like just yesterday I walked out of the hospital, leaving him behind.  It's all still so fresh in my memory.  There are times when I'll be driving down the road and out of the blue my mind will start thinking of that horrible time in the hospital.  I see Chandler in that hospital bed and it just kills me.  There was nothing I could do to help him.  A mama wants to help her children and I couldn't do that.  I was in church this past Sunday morning and for some reason my mind went back to the funeral.  I could see Chandler's casket down in the front of the church.  I don't know why my mind went there.  It just happened.

A lot of people probably think 'it's been 10 months, they should be fine now'.  Until people are in the shoes we're in, they'll never know what it's like.  It's hell!  10 months doesn't mean I'm better!  10 months means it has been that long since I've heard my sweet boy's voice.  It's been 10 months since I've heard his wonderful, contagious laugh!  It's been so long since I've seen him walk through the house, work in the yard, or play with his brothers and sister.  10 months means I miss him more and more each day.  I never thought I could miss someone the way I miss him!  There are days when I just want to scream.  I want to cuss.  I want to just run through the house and break things.  Sometimes, I just want to give up.  As horrible as it sounds, I've thought "what if our entire family was just involved in a car accident and we were all killed"?  Then, we would all be together.  I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy like that but that is the things that go through the mind of a grieving mother. 

Corben and Carlie were recently watching some of Chandler's videos.  They talk about him and see his pictures everywhere.  It breaks my heart that they don't have their biggest brother here with them.  He was so good at playing with them and including them in things.  I also wish he was here for Caleb.  They were close in age so it was always 'Chandler & Caleb'.  It's very different to see Caleb - without Chandler.  Caleb has really grown up the past year.  I guess he really hasn't had a choice.  Losing a sibling will change you.  He makes me so proud.  I would love for Chandler to be here to see Caleb as he plays and sings in the praise team in the youth group and he plays soccer and as he learns to drive.  I also see the changes in Caleb as far as his looks go and how much he's growing and I would love to see that in Chandler as well.

Corben sleeps in Chandler's room now.  I went in there 2 weeks ago to get some clothes out for him and got distracted by looking through Chandler's clothes.  I could see him as I looked at some of the clothes, especially the ones that he wore more than others.  I would hold something of his close to me wishing so badly that I was holding onto him.  So, I decided to grab one of his t-shirts and wear it.  I wore that t-shirt to church that night.  Something was said about it and I told them it was Chandler's and then some of the youth recognized it.  I was glad I wore it.  It was somewhat comforting just to have something of his so close to me. 

So, 10 months later, we still hurt.  We still feel the loss every day. There are so many things that trigger the emotions.  Caleb is playing soccer this year for the first time.  The field they play on is directly in front of the hospital that Chandler was in.  So, as I'm sitting there watching Caleb play, my eyes are on the hospital building, where we stood beside Chandler, holding him and praying for him.  Then, there is a building to the right where the life flight helicopters are.  The helicopter that Chandler was brought in on.  The other night, we heard the engine running but it never took off.  At the entrance of the parking lot, there is a Life Net sign.  These are the people that we donated Chandler's organs through.  Apparently, their office is in the building we park behind.  So, at Caleb's first game the other night, I was quite overwhelmed with all this being right there.  I mean when I drive down the highway that takes you past the hospital, I won't even look over that way.  I just get this sick feeling come over me.  Now, I'm having to stare right at it as I watch a soccer game.  But, I'm thankful that while Caleb is playing, I can focus on him and it distracts me from the stuff around me for a while.  I love watching Caleb play.  He's passionate and very energetic and it's exciting to watch him.  I am a very proud mama.  I have been blessed with wonderful children!

I love you Chandler!  I always will!!  Forever, Your Mama