9 Months

Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of Chandler living in heaven.  Also, for 9 months I carried Chandler in my womb before he was born.  I can remember those 9 months being so exciting.  I could feel him moving inside of me.  I had already lost a baby before I became pregnant with Chandler.  So, when my pregnancy seemed to be going well with Chandler, I became even more excited.  I was actually going to give birth for the first time.  Those 9 months were so sweet!  But, these last 9 months have been just the opposite - bitter!  My first born isn't here with us anymore.  I'm having to learn to live without one of my children here and it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!  I notice his absence in everything that we do.  I miss him terribly!!  Recently, I've been getting our curriculum and school supplies to get ready for our new school year.  This year, I can't purchase Chandler's curriculum.  I can't purchase his school supplies.  Chandler should be starting his junior year in high school.  He would be 16 1/2 right now, driving his car, hanging out with his friends, etc.  If he were still here, I have no doubt that he would still be drawing and he would be directing and producing his movies and using his favorite actor, Corben.     

Once again, God got me through another anniversary date.  Every day is still difficult but the anniversaries take me back to the weekend of the accident.  My mind goes back and I see things that are hard to see.  Seeing those images of Chandler aren't pleasant.  To see him lying there in that hospital bed, hooked up to tubes with his body broken is a painful thing.  And that's what happens to me on the anniversaries.  I guess, eventually, those images will fade a little and that won't happen.  But, for now, it still does.  I wasn't sure how I would manage to get through church yesterday.  But, I went.  Of course, on the way to church, Chad had a CD playing in the car and it was Newsboys.  It was the CD that I had bought for Chandler the day before his accident.  As the CD played, it got to one of the songs that was played at his funeral, No Grave.  So, when I heard it start playing, the tears started.  The song is a great song.  The words are perfect but it's a hard one to listen to. 

After church, we went out to lunch with friends.  So, it was helpful in distracting me a little.  After lunch, we went home for a while until Chad had to be back at church.  I needed to get the kids school supplies so I dropped Chad and the kids off at church and I went shopping.  My friends had already texted me and said that they were having dinner out and invited me along.  Well, I couldn't join them because I really needed to get my shopping done.  I was able to get it done pretty quickly and had time left over before I had to go pick Chad and the kids up.  So, I called my friends and they were still out.  They met me at Starbucks and we were able to have a little time together.  Another distraction for me.  These friends have been so good to me and so helpful during this time.  I love you girls! 

We also received a gift and card from a very special family yesterday.  They were just letting us know they were still praying for us and that they miss Chandler too.  We love you guys!

Now, I want to share my devotion from yesterday. I think the timing was perfect.  It was a reminder of being in God's will.  Of course, being in God's will for me right now is painful.  I'm not happy with God's will for our family right now.  I can't see what we're going through as the "best" for our family.  All is can do is hope that in the end, when I reach heaven, all of this pain was worth it. 



You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. (John 19:11)

     Nothing that is not part of God's will is allowed to come into the life of someone who trusts and obeys Him.  This truth should be enough to make our life one of ceaseless thanksgiving and joy, because God's will is the most hopeful, pleasant, and glorious thing in the world.  It is the continuous working of His omnipotent power for our benefit, with nothing to prevent it, if we remain surrendered and believing.
     Someone who was passing through deep water of affliction wrote a friend: 
     Isn't it glorious to know that no matter how unjust something may be, even when it seems to have come from Satan himself, by the time it reaches us it is God's will for us and will ultimately work to our good?

     "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Rom. 8:28).  Think of what Christ said even as He was betrayed: "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (John 18:11).
     We live fascinating lives if we are living in the center of God's will.  All the attacks that Satan hurls at us through the sins of others are not only powerless to harm us but are transformed into blessings along the way. Hannah Whitall Smith

In the center of the circle
   Of the will of God I stand:
There can come no second causes,
   All must come from His dear hand.
All is well!  for it's my Father
   Who my life has planned.

Shall I pass through waves of sorrow?
   Then I know it will be best;
Though I cannot tell the reason,
   I can trust, and so am blest.
God is Love, and God is faithful.
   So in perfect Peace I rest.

With the shade and with the sunshine,
   With the joy and with the pain,
Lord, I trust You!  both are needed,
   Each Your wayward child to train,
Earthly loss, if we will know it,
   Often means our heavenly gain.         I. G. W.