It's been a while since I blogged. The last several weeks have been a struggle and I just can't seem to sit down and get the words typed out to make any sense. I might not make any sense now but I thought I would try and write a little update anyway.
We were able to go on vacation in July and meet my family in Panama City Beach, Florida. The trip down was horrible due to major car trouble but after we finally arrived in PC Beach, we had a great week together. As enjoyable as it was, it was still hard to be there without Chandler. There were a few times that I was alone on the beach. During those times, I would shed some tears and think about how much I missed Chandler and how badly I wanted him there with us. Honestly, there are times that I feel guilty for doing things as enjoyable as hanging out on the beach when Chandler can't be there too.
I've struggled a lot with faith these past few weeks as well and that struggle is not over. I feel like my prayers aren't being heard. I feel like God has stepped away from our family. I haven't been as faithful in reading my devotions lately. I'm sure it's wrong to feel like God doesn't care for us now. In the Bible it says "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5 I understand that verse and it seems very simple but with everything that's going on right now, it has affected me. My faith is not at it's strongest right now. It's not just the grief that we're dealing with now. There are other things going on. I just want to yell sometimes, "can't we just get a break?!" I don't know what's going on. I don't know why things are happening the way they are. I also know that my lack of faith isn't helping things.
In addition to the things going on now, there is also something else that happened the other night that wasn't good for me. Since Chandler has gone to heaven, I have wanted so badly to dream about Chandler. I miss him so terribly and would love to see him in a dream. To be able to see him alive, laughing, talking and just being himself would be so amazing. Well, that hasn't happened. I've had others who have dreamed about him and they tell me about it. As a matter of fact, a friend of mine sent me a message on Saturday and told me about a dream that she had about Chandler. It was great to hear the dream but I wondered why can't I have a dream like that? Saturday night when I went to bed, I slept good the first part of the night. At some point, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Finally, at some point, I did go to sleep for a short period of time before I had to get up for the day. It was during that little bit of time that I had a short dream and it was about Chandler. But, it wasn't a pleasant dream. When I woke up, I could feel my heart beating. Then I just laid there in bed thinking about it and getting more and more upset. That dream bothered me all day. It was also hard to get to sleep on Sunday night because of it. It was so upsetting and frustrating as well. I mean why can't I have a pleasant dream about my son? I want to see his handsome, smiling face. Is that too much to ask?!
Yesterday, Chad and I went to the cemetery to talk about getting a memorial made for Chandler's grave. Right now, there is a small one there but we need to get a larger one ordered as soon as we can. We sat down there with the guy at the office and went through the process of designing one. They have a way of doing it all on the computer so that you can see it as it's being done. It's a difficult thing to do. Sitting there looking at this memorial with my son's name on it, his birth date and death date and the other things that we had chosen to put on it is a very emotional thing to do. I never would have imagined doing the things that we have had to do over the last 8 1/2 months. Chandler should be here getting ready to begin his junior year of high school. Instead, I'm designing a memorial for him.
So, this pretty much sums up where I am right now. I'm not in the best place spiritually. I want to change that but it's hard. Maybe with the help of my friends and family praying, that can change. As far as praying for the other things going on in our life right now, I can't talk about any details now. I would just ask you to pray for the unspoken requests that we have.
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