We have some days coming up that are going to be harder than normal. I can't help but think of the days that are approaching; Chandler's birthday, the anniversary of the accident and the anniversary of Chandler going to heaven. I'm dreading the days. Lately, when I go to bed, my mind has been going crazy with all these things coming up. With those thoughts also come other things that bother me such as images that I don't need to see before trying to go to sleep. But, it's so hard to get my mind to just STOP! I try so hard though. There are so many nights that I lay there and say "Lord, I can't do this now. My mind can't go there. Please help me!"
In addition to all of these things coming up, I'm also dreading the holidays. I have no desire to even have Thanksgiving or Christmas. We do have some great friends who have invited us to join them for Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for that because I believe it will be better for us to be there than to be here at home. But, then, there is Christmas. The decorations, shopping, celebration, excitement, etc. I could care less this year. It's so unlike me. I used to want to have my Christmas decorations up before Thanksgiving because I wanted them up as long as possible. Now, I want to avoid it! I feel like such a Scrooge! The sad thing is that the way I feel is so unfair to my kids. I should be so excited to be doing all of the "stuff" for them in order to see their happiness, their excitement and to give them the best holidays and to give them holiday memories to look back on when they are older. Instead, my mind dwells on our loss and the fact that I have to get through these holidays without my oldest child. My kids have to go through the holidays and the rest of their lives without their older brother. This will actually be our 2nd Thanksgiving and Christmas without Chandler. But, this year is just as hard or even harder than last year. I believe that everything was so fresh last year that I was in a daze. Reality has hit now! And, reality hurts!!
Because of the time of the year, we're trying to get away as much as possible. We are going this next week for 2 days to Gatlinburg to get away. We've also been blessed in that we have been given some time off around the "anniversary" date to have family time. I want to be here on the 14th so we are leaving on the 15th to go to the beach and just be together as a family. We've been blessed with some great friends who have offered their beach home to us for that time.
On a different note, we received a letter 2 weeks ago from the recipient of Chandler's kidney. The recipient was a 19 yr. old boy. His mom wrote us the letter. Reading that letter stirred up so many different emotions at once; happiness for their family, sadness for our family, anger because it took my son to save her son, etc. The happiest day of that mother's life was the worst day of this mother's life. I am so thankful that they wrote us though. They were so appreciative of our son's "gift". We hope to continue to build a relationship with the family as well as the other recipients. There are a lot of rules in how we correspond to each other but eventually, we will have the freedom to share more information. It appears that this family wants to know us because their letter had their address and phone number on it. Of course, that all had to be removed before we received the letter. We're not able to share that information yet. I hope and pray that one day we will be able to meet the recipients. The recipients who now carry my son's organs.
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