Chandler's Birthday

17 years ago today, my first baby was born - Curtis Chandler Coleman, Jr.  I can remember that day as if it just happened.  As soon as Chandler was born, the doctor laid him on my chest and I held him for the first time.  I'll never forget the love I felt for my sweet baby boy.  The labor was long (33 hours).  Every other time I saw my doctor after Chandler was born, he always referred to my labor and delivery as an "ordeal".  If I were to run into my doctor today, I have no doubt that he would remember us.  He was an awesome doctor!  As I've remembered back to those 33 hours of labor and the pain I experienced, I have come to realize that the pain I experienced back on Nov. 8 - 9, 1994 was nothing compared to the pain I'm dealing with now.  The pain I felt giving birth resulted in joy.  Once Chandler was born, that pain was forgotten.  I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms.  The pain I have in my heart now just lingers.  There is no joy to come at the end of today.  Chandler is not going to walk in the house tonight for me to wish him a happy birthday.  For the first time in 17 years, I didn't make him a birthday cake.  I couldn't go birthday shopping.  I can't look at pictures from his birthday last year and see how much he's grown or how much he's changed.  I have no idea what he would look like at 17.  He will forever be 16 to me because that's how old he was when he went to heaven.

I ran across the poem below a while back and thought I would include it here:

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

As we prepared for today, I struggled with what to do.  It's hard to do anything but it seems so wrong to do nothing.  I thought about making the birthday cake that Chandler always requests (chocolate cake with chocolate icing) but I knew there was no way I would get through baking a cake.  So, baking a cake was out.  Of course, we had friends take care of us.  They provided a chocolate cake with chocolate icing in honor of Chandler's birthday.  They gave it to us yesterday.  Then, today, I received a call from a local cupcake shop in the area.  My sister and her family had ordered us a dozen cupcakes and they were delivered to us.  So, we have some beautiful cupcakes to enjoy on Chandler's birthday as well.

We went to the grave today.  On our way, we stopped and bought some balloons.  I got a small one to keep there in the flower arrangement.  I also got a red heart balloon that we all wrote on and placed it at the grave as well.  Then, we all picked out our own balloon to write a note on and release at the grave.  When we got to the grave, I put some sheets out on the ground to sit on.  We sat there and wrote on our balloons.  I also took a few baby pictures of Chandler and placed on the grave while we were there just to remember back to the day when he was born and when he was so little.  We all released our balloons one at a time and just stood there and watched as each balloon flew away.  

Chad just laid in the grass for a while at the cemetery while he held onto his balloon for Chandler.  At one point he said how "surreal" this all still seems.  It's so true.  Even though, it's almost a year later, it's still so hard to believe this has happened.  We are celebrating our son's birthday at his grave.  It's so hard to comprehend even though we stand there and see his name on his memorial.  We are living every parent's nightmare!

Once again, I am amazed at the friends and family who still continue to be with us during this journey.  Even though we're approaching the end of our first year without Chandler here with us, we have so many great people who continue to lift us up in prayer, send us cards, prepare meals for us, send texts, send messages on Facebook, etc.  I wish I could express to you all how much you mean to us.  I wish I could let you all know how much you are appreciated.  I wish you all could know that y'all really are helping us through this.  But, there are no words.  I can't seem to come up with the right words to say to really express how I feel.  I am just so thankful for each and every one of you!

I'm also very thankful for the youth group at the church.  I didn't go to church tonight but I was told today that they were all going to wear blue ribbons tonight in honor of Chandler's birthday.  I also just heard that they all sang Happy Birthday to Chandler tonight as well.  I appreciate that they still remember him and that they talk about him. That is one thing I want so badly!  I want Chandler to be remembered!  The youth group meant a lot to Chandler.  He loved being there!  If he were here, he wouldn't want them to make a big deal of his birthday but I'm so thankful that in his absence, he is being remembered.  

I will confess that I failed as a mom today.  Earlier today I was trying to get us ready to leave the house.  Corben wasn't getting some work done that he needed to get done.  He had been working on it for an hour.  I was already an emotional wreck and he was frustrating me!  So, I finally let him know it.  I was crying.  He was crying.  It was horrible.  He went to his room and I went my way.  I felt horrible.  I felt like such a failure as a mom.  I'm dwelling so much on Chandler, our loss, my pain, etc. that it's hurting my other kids.  I'm hurting my other kids.  I don't want that to happen.  So, after a while, I went into his room and he was still crying.  I talked to him for a while and I apologized.  I told him I love him and we hugged. 

In the midst of the heartache, I've tried to remember things about Chandler that would make me smile.  He was so fun and he loved to laugh and there are definitely plenty of things he did that made me laugh.  So, that's why I'm including another poem here.  What it says is true but it has a little humor in it.  The last lines sound like something Chandler would say to me.

"My Mom Lies”

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies.

She never did before.

From now until the day she dies,

she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is,

and because she can't explain,

She will tell a little lie

because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

She'll say, “I'm alright”.

If that's the truth, then tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

She seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see

nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

“I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping”.

For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth

just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.

I cannot hug from here.

So If she lies to you don't listen,

hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

I'll smile and I'll be bold.

I'll say, “You're lucky to get in here, Mom,

With all the lies you told!     


So, the day is almost over.  With so many prayers going up for us, we've made it.  Of course, it's been a tiring day.  Being so emotional is tiring.  On top of that, dealing with the stress and worry of leading up to today as well as trying to get through today has given me a mild headache.  So, I'm looking forward to and hoping for a good night's sleep tonight.  Tomorrow is another day and we'll face it when it comes but getting through Chandler's birthday was a difficult one and we've made it.  Thank you Lord!  And, thank you friends and family!


My dear Chandler,


We've just celebrated your birthday without you with us.  It was so hard and so emotional.  We tried so hard to celebrate you and show you how much we love and miss you.  It's hard to know what you know there in heaven about what goes on here on earth.  But, I hope that God allowed you a little glimpse of your family today, just to remind you of how much we love you.


I am so proud and blessed to be your Mama.  God showed me so much love when he gave you, Caleb, Corben and Carlie to me.  


I hope that you have had a great birthday.  I'm pretty confident that since you're in the presence of God then this has to be the best birthday you've ever had.  It had to be perfect!  


I love you with all of my heart!!  I always will!!  Happy Birthday!


I love you,
Mom