1 Year

I have just lived through the worst year of my entire life.  I have cried more this year than I have throughout my life.  It has been an emotional year and a tiring year.  One thing I've learned is that grief will wear you out.  I never imagined that our family would be on this journey.  It's something every parent fears but you never think it will happen to you.  Sometimes, it's still hard for me to believe that it has happened to us.  What we're going through seems so surreal sometimes. 

People say to me "I don't know how you do it".  Honestly, I don't either!  It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.  All I know is that I have no other choice but to do it.  I have 3 other kids that still need me.  I have a husband.  I have family.  I have friends (so many great friends)!  It's because of the people in my life that I have to go on.  Trust me, it would be so much easier to give up!  But, how would that help the people around me?  So, as hard as it is, I have to continue on, one day at a time.

I've learned this year that Chandler has a ton of great friends, and so do we!  We've had so many people thinking of us and praying for us and doing everything they can to help us during this time.  I've been amazed at the love and support.

As we've gone through the past year, there have been tons of "firsts" that we've had to deal with; holidays, birthdays, vacation, etc.  Every day is hard but those days are extra hard!  As we did different things throughout the year, I could remember back to the past year and remember when Chandler was with us and the different things he did or said.  One of the things that bothers me about approaching the 1 year anniversary is that I don't have that anymore.  We won't have memories of Chandler from last year.  That bothers me because the time that he was with us is just going to be farther away.  We do still have the memories and I'm thankful for that.  I just don't like the distance that's coming between those memories.

I've always known that I was blessed with some great kids!  I'm proud of all of them.  I'm even more proud of them today than I was a year ago.  I've learned things about Chandler from other people over the last year that I didn't know about.  It's been nice to hear about the different things.  They've all been great things and they make me love him even more.  It's the same way with my other kids.  Caleb has been amazing!  He has been so strong in dealing with all of this.  I was worried about him because he was there the day of accident.  He witnessed what happened to his brother/friend.   But, he has kept his faith and he remembers the good things about his brother.  He has been an inspiration to many, including me.  Corben and Carlie are young but they've been amazing as well.  Early on, Carlie would comfort me when she saw me at my saddest times.  She would sit beside me and rub on me or just be close.  Corben talks about Chandler a lot.  He'll talk about things that he remembers Chandler doing or things that he said.  The kids will say something about him nearly every day.  That's important!  They are young and I want them to hold onto those memories.  I don't want them to forget.  

As we start a new year tomorrow without Chandler, I don't know what to expect.  It's hard for me to believe that we've gone on this long.  Our family is incomplete and we're having to learn day by day how to live that way.  We'll just keep doing what we're doing and pray that God continues to hold onto us until we're all together again some day. 

The past week has been very emotional and tiring as we've celebrated Chandler's first birthday without him here with us as well as his 1st anniversary in heaven.  We are exhausted!  But, we're leaving tomorrow afternoon for some time of respite.  Chad has been blessed with some time off.  On top of that, we've had some wonderful people open up their beach home to us so that we can get away as a family.  I am so thankful for this opportunity for our family.  We need it!  I'm hoping we can come home refreshed.  We still have the holidays ahead which I'm not looking forward to.  But, hopefully, the time away will allow me to relax and come back ready and able to take on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

My sister sent me a text today and I want to share something she said.  It's the only good thing I could say about it being the one year anniversary:  "We're a year closer to being with him again".

Chandler, I love you and miss you so much.  You are always in my thoughts and you will always be in my heart.  I look forward to the day when I see you again.  Be ready to receive the biggest and longest hug ever.