Still Struggling

For the last week or so, I've been even more emotional.  I'm missing Chandler so much I can hardly stand it.  The heart ache I feel is as fresh and painful as it was the day he left us and went to heaven.  I live with a sadness in me.  I try hard not to let it show so much, especially with the kids, but it's there.  They see the tears sometimes but most of the time, I'll just go back to my bathroom and shut the door and let the tears fall.  Of course, yesterday, I wasn't even home and the tears came over me so quickly.  I was actually at our co-op.  There was some time where I didn't really have anything to do.  I was freezing so I walked outside in the sun to warm up.  I ended up going and sitting in my car and cried for 30 minutes.  I tried several times to get control of myself and go back in but the tears would keep falling.  Finally, I was able to go back in the building.  But, as soon I got inside, I had to find an empty room to hide out in and cry more.

Our life is so different now without Chandler.  Yes, I have Caleb, Corben and Carlie and I love them with everything in me.  But, when I see them or our family together, I see the one that is not there - Chandler.  The other day Caleb had a birthday party to be at.  He was already there when I had to stop by and give him something.  When I parked, I looked up and someone was walking to me.  His head was down a little and I felt the insides of my body just fall.  My mouth dropped.  That person walking to me looked exactly like Chandler.  I really thought "it's Chandler!"  I was so excited for a second.  It was so real, that at first, I thought this has all been a bad dream.  But, reality hit.  I realized it was Caleb.  He was wearing one of Chandler's jackets that he used to wear a lot.  The resemblance that day was unreal.

Last week we went to the hospital (the one Chandler was in) to check on someone.  I had not been back there since the day I left it, Nov. 14.  It's not a place I want to be.  I don't even like riding past it and looking over at it.  I get this sick feeling inside of me.  But, I was willing to go there on this particular day.  We got in to the information desk and Chad asked them for the room we needed to go to.  She mentioned a number that started with a 9.  My heart sunk.  Chandler was on the 9th floor.  My whole insides were shaking by now and tears were in my eyes.  How was I going to do this?  Chad said I didn't have to if I didn't want to.  I knew that.  But, I felt like I really needed to check on this family.  I mean, it was my idea to go to the hospital in the first place.  We took the elevator up to the 9th floor.  I walked carefully and tried not to look too hard at things for fear that I would see something that I recognized and then they would probably be picking me up off of the floor.  We got to where we needed to be and got our update.  Then it was time to leave.  Fortunately, we didn't seem to be in the same area that we were in when we were there with Chandler.  I didn't see the waiting room.  I didn't see the doors we had to walk through to see Chandler.  As hard as it was to be there, those things were blessings.  It could have been so much worse!

I'll be honest and say I've felt very discouraged lately.  Sometimes I feel as if God has forgotten us.  But, I'm trying to find some encouragement in the following devotion for today.

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. (Job 42:12)

   Job found his legacy through the grief he experienced.  He was tried that his godliness might be confirmed and validated.  In the same way, my troubles are intended to deepen my character and to clothe me in gifts I had little of prior to my difficulties, for my ripest fruit grows against the roughest wall.  I come to a place of glory only through my own humility, tears, and death, just as Job's afflictions left him with a higher view of God and more humble thoughts of himself.  At last he cried, "Now my eyes have seen you" (v. 5).
   If I experience the presence of God in His majesty through my pain and loss, so that I bow before Him and pray, "Your will be done" (Matt. 6:10), then I have gained much indeed.  God gave glimpses of his future glory, for in those weary and difficult days and nights, he was allowed to penetrate God's veil and could honestly say, "I know that my Redeemer lives" (Job 19:25).  So truly: "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first."  from In the Hour of Silence

    Trouble never comes to someone unless it brings a nugget of gold in its hand.

   Apparent adversity will ultimately become an advantage for those of us doing what is right, if we are willing to keep serving and to wait patiently.  Think of the great victorious souls of the past who worked with steadfast faith and who were invincible and courageous!  There are many blessings we will never obtain if we are unwilling to accept and endure suffering.  There are certain joys that can come to us only through sorrow.  There are revelations of God's divine truth that we will receive only when the lights of earth have been extinguished.  And there are harvests that will grow only once the plow has done its work. selected
   It is from suffering that the strongest souls ever known have emerged; the world's greatest display of character is seen in those who exhibit the scars of sorrow; the martyrs of the ages have worn their coronation robes that have glistened with fire, yet through their tears and sorrow have seen the gates of heaven. Chapin

I will know by the gleam and glitter
   Of the golden chain you wear,
By your heart's calm strength in loving,
   Of the fire you have had to bear.
Beat on, true heart, forever;
   Shine bright, strong golden chain;
And bless the cleansing fire
   And the furnace of living pain!