It hurts!

Grieving the loss of a child is a difficult thing to do.  It's very tiring emotionally, physically and spiritually.  We lost Chandler (Strike that!  I hate saying that.  I feel like when I say that it's like I've been to the store and somehow lost my son and couldn't find him.  I feel horrible when say that.  It makes me feel like a bad parent or something).  So I'll say, it has been over 3 months since Chandler went to heaven and it is still so hard.  Even after these 3 long months, I sometimes can't believe it has happened.  Several times over the past few days, including today, I'll be going about my business and just start crying.  I think to myself "Chandler is not coming back.  He's gone forever".  That is still so hard for me to comprehend.  Even though it is still so hard to believe this has happened to our family, I believe reality is starting to set in.  He is really gone.  I know I've said it before and I'll say it again. "I HATE THIS"  I hate that our family is broken.  It's so obvious that Chandler is not here.  You can just feel it.  We sit in our home and watch a movie and Chandler is not here.  We drive away to go somewhere and he's not in the car.  We watch Corben play basketball and Chandler is not there to cheer him on.  We are missing him whenever we do anything. 

On Wednesday, we're going to Alabama to visit my family for a few days.  I look forward to visiting family.  I always love going "home".  But, this trip is so different.  I'm going home without Chandler for the first time since he was born.  For 16 years, he's been going on trips to Alabama.  He loves going there.  He loves visiting his family.  He loves his cousins.  They always have the best time together.  I've cried many tears already just thinking about going on this trip without him.  The thought of driving out of our driveway Wednesday morning without Chandler in the car with us is painful!  The thought of seeing my family when I get there and everyone climbing out of the car for hugs except Chandler is painful!  The thought of seeing my handsome nephews and my beautiful niece and not bringing their cousin Chandler with me is so painful!  I'll definitely be in prayer a lot over the next several days.  God has to be with me during this trip.  I can't do this by myself.

I was packing some things today for the trip and ended up crying my way through most of it.  I can just be doing things and then my thoughts go to Chandler and the tears come.  I just think about how I miss him so much.  I think about "forever" on earth without him and I don't like how that feels.  Life without Chandler is so different.  Life without Chandler is not as enjoyable as it used to be.  I know I have other children and I love them more than life and I enjoy being around them and doing things with them.  I don't mean that Chandler is what made life so great.  Life is not as enjoyable because when Chandler went to heaven, he took a huge part of me with him.  My life has changed because I have changed.  I don't feel whole anymore.  I feel so broken.  I know our loss is still so fresh.  It's obvious from talking to other grieving parents that it does get better.  You never get over the loss.  You never get over the pain.  You learn to live with it.  Well, I'm not there yet.  I haven't learned how to live with the pain.  I still feel it and it is intense!  

I was in my closet today looking for something.  I was looking through a box of frames with pictures in them that used to hang on the wall.  I was trying to find a frame to use for something.  Anyway, I picked up something in the bottom of the box.  Carlie happened to walk in there when I was going through the stuff.  When I picked the "something" up, I looked at it and smiled and then started bawling.  I showed it to Carlie and told her what it was.  It's such a "Chandler thing".  It was just a piece of paper folded up with duct tape wrapped all around it and written in marker, it says "Chandler's bookmark".  He made a bookmark with paper and duct tape.  That is so "Chandler".  He had such a sense of humor.  To me, that bookmark was so funny but it broke my heart.  It broke my heart because I miss his sense of humor so much.  I miss his laughter.  I miss him making me laugh.  

Chad and the kids started watching a movie earlier so I decided I would take a long, hot bath.  I locked myself in my bathroom and just laid back in the tub and cried and talked to God.  I just needed to talk to Him and let him know how badly I hurt.  I let Him know that I do not like what has happened.  I still wonder why He had to take Chandler.  I know I probably won't get an answer but it does me no good to keep those thoughts inside.  God is so many things to me and one of those things is a Friend.  So, sometimes, I have to talk to Him as I would a Friend.