Valentine's Day

I woke up this morning aware of what today is.  Yes, it's Valentine's Day but it's also been 3 months today since Chandler went to heaven.  So, how do I get through this day?  I'm not into Valentine's Day today.  I miss Chandler too much to think about showing love to others.  My heart hurts!  But, is that fair to the rest of my family.  I know it's not.  How do I make them feel loved when all I can feel is a broken heart?  I'm not sure yet.

I've realized since going through these horrible months that I do have faith.  I trust God and what He does even though I don't like it and can't see the big picture.  But, even though I have that faith and trust, it's hard to feel joy.  That's what my devotion was about this morning - rejoicing in the Lord.  There were several verses included:  Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  (Philippians 4:4)  My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials (James 1:2)  Rejoice always (1 Thess. 5:16)  

I'm not sure I know how to have this joy that God wants me to have.  I'm not really sure what He expects from me in this area.  Is this something I have to express outwardly?  Am I supposed to smile all the time or be happy all the time?  Or is it just a joy I can feel inwardly?  Is it just having a feeling of peace in knowing that God is in control?  I'm not sure about this one so I'm going to have to study it.   I know that joy is coming one day because I know the story.  I know how it all ends and I know that when that day comes, I'll be in the presence of the Lord.  I can find joy in that.  I don't know about the joy in "now".  Maybe He's not talking about having joy in "now".  Maybe having joy does refer to the peace I have in my relationship with God.  Maybe the joy is in knowing that the trial I am in is temporary when compared to eternity.  I'll keep looking into the subject of joy.

Back to Valentine's Day.  As much as I hurt, I really do want to do something for my family.  I want my kids and Chad to know that I do love them.  It's 10:38 the morning of Valentine's Day and so far, I've done nothing.  I haven't bought anything.  I haven't said anything.  So, what do I do?  I have an idea for a little something I could get them.  But, does a gift really let them know how much I love them?  I don't think so.  In addition to a small gift, I'm going to write each of them a letter.  I want to write something special to each of them and let them know how much I love them.  Hopefully, it will mean something to them and they'll remember the note that they received on Valentine's Day more than the gift.

Later:

Okay, so it's 8:04 pm right now.  This day is nearly over.  There has been so much happen.  I can't wait to share it all.  Let me just start by saying that God is good.  He came through for us today.  He really showed His love in so many ways.

First of all, after lunch today, I got ready and went out for a little bit to get the kids a little surprise for V Day. I also stopped and picked them up something to eat since Chad and I were going to attempt to go out and try and have a Valentine dinner.  So, when I got home, I gave the kids their gifts and gave them each a note.  Soon after, I left to go pick up Chad from work.  Our plan was to go to the grave for a little bit and then go to dinner.  After I pulled out of our road, a song came on the radio that I have not heard before.  I immediately started crying when I heard the words.  The song was great.  It was another song that I could have written.    After that song was over, every song after that just spoke to me.  I was in tears the whole way driving to pick up Chad.  It was like those songs had picked out and played just for me.  Here are the words to that first song I heard:


Save a Place for Me by Matthew West

Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there


When I arrived to pick Chad up from work, he was in the parking lot talking to a friend of mine.  So, I got out of the car and was able to hug her and receive more love from someone who knew that today was going to be a very difficult day.  Chad and I got in the car and he handed me a gift.  I had written him a note and I had it with me but he wanted me to open his first.  It was a camera charm for my Chandler bracelet.  I've been wanting a camera so badly and he got one.  It was perfect.  I immediately put it on my bracelet.  I love it!

We got to the grave and some friends of ours met us there.  I had gotten a call this morning from my friend Connie.  She had something she wanted to give me from the youth at our church and she really wanted to try and get it to me today.  So, we planned to meet at the grave.  I had no idea what it was that she wanted to give me.  When I heard her message on my answering service, I started crying because I knew whatever it was, it was special.  So, Chad, Connie, Anna and I were standing near Chandler's grave and Anna gives me a folder with a lot of papers in it.  The youth group and the adult youth leaders wrote down some of their memories of Chandler.  I hugged them both and just cried.  It was another perfect gift.  I love hearing things about Chandler from other people and to be able to read these memories that different people have of Chandler was going to be great.  As soon as we got back into the car, I started reading them.  I read them aloud so that Chad could hear them.  It took a while to get through some of them because of the crying.  But, there were also times when we had to laugh. 

Chad and I went to Carabba's for dinner.  The meal was great and we had some good conversation about different things.  Of course, we talked about Chandler, our loss, the pain, etc.  We also talked about what was in my devotion this morning, which was "rejoicing in the Lord" and "counting it all joy when you fall into various trials".  What he shared was good and I'll share it here soon but he's going to have to help me put it into words. 

After dinner, we headed home.  As soon as we got home, Caleb told us that a package came today.  It was from someone very special.  I started opening the box.  We got the gift out of the box and I opened the card first.  Tears welled up in my eyes reading the card because it gave us an idea of what the gift was.  It was a picture of a dragonfly.  My friend had read the story of the dragonfly on my blog.  Then, she was out one day, ran across the picture and got it for us.  It's perfect.  Another perfect gift to end this day.  We love you Mary!

This day started with people texting me, sending notes of encouragement and praying for me.  On top of that, I've had 3 perfect gifts given to me today and some wonderful music to listen to as I was driving today.  God has helped us to get through this day.  He's used so many people and so many different ways to show His love.  God is good.  Now, I'll be going to bed soon and hope for a good night's rest.  Tomorrow will come and I'll trust God to get me through it.

Happy Valentine's Day Chandler.  I love you so much!!  I always will!!