Going through pictures

I was going about my day today doing normal household stuff.  Then, out of nowhere, I found myself sitting in my closet floor looking through old pictures.  I sat there for a while looking through baby pictures of Chandler, pictures of him graduating from kindergarten, pictures of him playing with his brother Caleb.  I went back to those day when he and Caleb were so little.  They were so close in age.  They were best buddies.  Chandler had such a beautiful smile in so many pictures.  Oh, how I miss his smile.  His smile would light up a room.  I miss his laughter.  Tears just fell from my face as I looked through so many pictures and remembered back to the days when they were taken.  I sat there thinking how the 16 years have flown by and how 16 years is too short!  I want more time with Chandler.  My children should out live me.  I shouldn't out live my children. 

I've wanted so badly to dream about Chandler so that I can see him and hear his voice.  I haven't had a dream about him since he went to heaven.  I don't know why I haven't been able to.  Maybe, I still hurt too much.  Maybe I'm wanting it too much and thinking about it too much when I go to bed.  One of his friends has had a couple of dreams as well as Caleb.  They've told me about them.  I'm hoping one day I'll have one to share.  I'm hoping one morning to wake up with a huge smile on my face because I was able to see my son. 

The past few days have been bearable.  I think I was so amazed at how God got us through Valentine's Day and the 3 month anniversary of Chandler being in heaven, that I was on top of the mountain for a few days.  I was still hurting.  I still cried every day but I was still so excited at what God did.  I can feel myself coming down off of the mountain today.  I can feel the pain more.  I feel the loss more.  I miss Chandler terribly.  I wish I could put into words how I feel but I really can't.  The feelings are those I've never felt before.  The pain and the way I miss him is so intense that I can't even explain it.  There is nothing I could write here that would help someone to really understand what I'm feeling.  Until you've been in these shoes, you just can't "know" the pain.  And, I really don't want anyone to have to feel what I'm feeling.