A day at a time

We are coming upon 3 months since Chandler has been gone.  Each day seems to get harder as far as missing him.  I'm really having a hard time comprehending the fact that I'll never see Chandler again this side of heaven.  When I wake up each morning one of the first things I see is the mold of Chandler's hand print that Life Net made for us.  It sits on my bedside table.  I go in the kitchen and fix coffee and there is this great close up picture on the refrigerator of Chandler that I see.  In the picture, he has such a beautiful smile and his eyes just seem to sparkle.  It looks as if he's looking right at me.  But, I get tears nearly every time I see that picture.  I don't want to just be looking at that picture.  I want to see him walk through this house.  In my car I have one of Chandler's hats sitting on the dashboard.  When I see that hat every time I get in the car, I think of Chandler.  I want his physical body in that car with us and not just a hat representing him.  Yesterday, I went to my room to change clothes so that I could exercise.  But, somehow, as soon as I got to my room, my mind went somewhere else - to thoughts of Chandler and I ended up crying for a while first.  A couple of hours ago, I was in my room ironing our clothes for church tomorrow and I started to cry.  It's hard to iron when your eyes are blurred by tears.  But, I couldn't stop crying.  My heart aches!  I miss Chandler so badly right now that I cannot imagine going longer amounts of time without him.  After I finished ironing, I decided to take a long, hot bath and just sit in the quiet for a while.  So, I locked myself up in the bathroom.  I laid in that tub thinking, praying and crying.  I laid there in that tub thinking how much I wanted this to all be a bad dream.  I talked to God about it saying how badly I wanted to finish my bath and walk in the other room where everyone else is watching a movie and find Chandler sitting in there with them.  Please God, don't let this be real.  I thought how amazing it would be if it were just a bad dream.  What a feeling it would be to walk in the other room and see Chandler.  I would grab him and hug him so hard and I wouldn't let go for the longest time.  But, then reality hits me.  It's not a dream.  The things I'm wishing for are the dreams.  But, how do I go the rest of my life here on earth without my son?  It's been almost 3 months and sometimes it already seems like forever.  It already hurts so badly.  How do I make it for longer periods of time without him?  I can't imagine missing him anymore than I already do. 

I also find that I'm having a hard time with having compassion for others when it comes to certain things.  If I hear of someone dealing with some issue about their child, I have thoughts that would probably hurt their feelings if they knew what I really wanted to say.  I want to say something like "at least your child is alive".  I want to ask them "what if your child was dead?  Your problem wouldn't seem so bad now would it?"  I know it sounds horrible and I having a feeling it's all a part of the grieving process.  I don't really like when I think things like that but for now, I do.  I guess as long as I don't allow those thoughts to reach my tongue and get out then I'll be okay. 

So, for now, I'm literally dealing with getting through one day at a time.  I can't think about next week or a month from now, etc.  I miss Chandler so much today and I hurt so much today - that's all I can handle.  I just have to make it through today.