God's Silence

I've been home a lot this week.  Corben got sick Sunday afternoon and by Monday morning Carlie was sick.  So, I've been home taking care of them.  I was talking to a friend today and told her that in a way, it has been a blessing.  As much as I hate to see my kids sick, it has kept us home.  This week was going to be a busy week.  I had something scheduled Monday through Thursday.  I was really dreading it.  Sometimes being busy is good but when too much gets on the calendar, it's just tough for me right now.  So, it worked out that most of the things I had scheduled couldn't be done.  But I was able to do the one thing this week that I would have wanted to keep on the calendar.  I didn't have to cancel today's plans which is the one thing I really needed this week.  It was a visit with a very special friend.  This friend and her family have been through the past 2 1/2 months right by our side.  They love our family and we love theirs.  They hurt with us.  So, I met her for lunch today.  We sat in the restaurant and talked about all kinds of stuff.  Of course, the conversation was mostly about Chandler.  We shed a lot of tears and really didn't get much eating done because we talked so much.  But, I feel like we both needed it.  Some of the things she said, I needed to hear.  After our lunch, we went to Chandler's grave together.  I needed to fix something that had broken on the arrangement that is there.  She was the smart one and brought a sheet for me to sit on since the ground is so dirty while we wait on grass to grow.  She brought a toothbrush along to help clean the dirt off of Chandler's marker.  Because there's so much dirt right now, his marker gets so dirty.  I tried to clean it the last time I was there with a tissue and it just didn't work.  I'm so thankful to have such a smart friend that thinks of little things like that.  So, I will be packing a toothbrush and a sheet in my car to have at all times when I go visit Chandler's grave now.  It will be nice to just sit there for a while on a sheet or blanket and hang out.  It's so hard to be there sometimes because I get there and think "I shouldn't be here.  I shouldn't be standing over my son's grave."  But, the more I'm there, the more I want to be there.  So, the visit today with my friend was good.   She shared things about Chandler that I didn't know about.  It's always nice to hear new things about him.  She also shared things that he had said.  One thing in particular stayed with me.  It was the day of the accident and they had ridden their dirt bikes to the top of the mountain.  At the top of the mountain, they get off their bikes and are standing there and looking out at the beauty.  That's when the dad that was with them took a picture.  It's one of my favorite pictures.  It's bittersweet to look at though.  It's the last picture taken of Chandler but the picture is beautiful.  The scenery is beautiful; the mountains, the sky.  And there Chandler stands in the middle of 2 of his favorite people: his brother Caleb and his best friend Anna.  But, one of the things Chandler said while he was there on top of that mountain was "I love riding".  Chandler had been riding dirt bikes that day and doing what he loved to do with people that he loved.  He was happy.  That means a lot to me.

Yesterday, I was able to exercise.  Counting yesterday, I have only exercised 5 times since the accident.  That is so unlike me.  I've been exercising consistently going on 4 years now.  But, things have changed a lot and I just haven't been able to get it done lately.  I'm getting myself back into it now.  Anyway, I felt so good after I was finished.  Then, I started putting some clothes up that I had folded prior to my workout.  I had some things of Corben's that I needed to put in his closet.  So, I went to his room which is also Chandler's room.  I opened the closet, saw Chandler's clothes, shoes, etc. and lost it.  I just stood there holding onto his stuff, smelling his clothes and putting my hands in the pockets of his jackets trying to find something that he might have left behind that I haven't seen yet.  It's so hard to look at his stuff, look at pictures of him and accept that I'll never see Chandler again this side of heaven.  It's so hard to comprehend that.  All I have now are pictures, his stuff, memories.  He's not here anymore and that causes such an ache in me that I can't even explain.  It's just nothing anyone can understand unless they've experienced it. 

Along with looking through his things and trying to run across something new that I haven't seen before, I'm also always looking for something from God.  I'm wanting Him to show me scripture that I can know came directly from Him.  I want him to speak to me in a way that I'll know it's Him.  But, that doesn't happen often.  I don't know that it has happened at all yet.  Sure, God has sent people my way,  I've read devotions that speak to me.  But, I want to really feel His presence.  I want to know without a doubt that God said that or did that.  I want to be praying sometime and actually feel His arms wrap around me and hug me.  I want him to say "It's okay, Amie.  I'm here".  I know it can happen.  He has spoken to me in the past and I knew that it was Him.  I long for that to happen these days.  Well, today's devotion was about this particular issue.  It was good for me.  I'm going to share it here:

Jesus did not answer a word.  (Matthew 15:23)

He will quiet you with his love.  (Zephaniah 3:17)

     Are you reading these verses as a chld of God who is experiencing a crushing sorrow, a bitter disappointment, or a heartbreaking blow from a totally unexpected place?  Are you longing to hear your Master's voice calling you, saying, "Take courage!  It is I.  Don't be afraid" (Matt. 14:27)?  Yet only silence, the unknown, and misery confront you--"Jesus did not answer a word."
     God's tender heart must often ache listening to our sad, complaining cries.  Our weak, impatient hearts cry out because we fail to see through our tear-blinded, shortsighted eyes that it is for our own sakes that He does not answer at all or that He answers in a way we believe is less than the best.  In fact, the silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His words and may be a sign not of His disapproval but of His approval and His way of providing a deeper blessing for you.
     "Why are you downcast, O my soul?. . . I will yet praise him" (Ps. 43:5).  Yes, praise Him even for His silence.  Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer.
     When they knelt the Master drew near to them.  As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace.  He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music.  Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval.  He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance.
     The woman having the dream said to herself, "How greatly He must love the first woman.  The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first.  But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look."
     She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently.  As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, he Himself came and stood beside her.  He said to her, "O woman!  How wrongly you have interpreted Me!  The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way.  She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure.
     "The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do.  Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality.  I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service.
     "She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval.  She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter.  She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity, and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later.
     "My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart.  Also, it is silent for your sakes--that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses.  I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external."
     He "will do wonders never before done" (Ex. 34:10) if you will learn the mystery of His silence and praise Him every time He withdraws His gifts from you.  Through this you will better know and love the Giver.  selected

Wow!  Reading this the 2nd time is just as good as the 1st time.   God's silence doesn't mean He's not with me and He doesn't care.  I shouldn't need external things from Him to feel His love and presence.  I don't feel like I'm the third woman in the above story.  I have a long way to go.  I don't know God so intimately.  There is so much more I have to learn about God.  I fail Him in so many ways.  But, I do know that I trust in what He does.  I trust God knows what He's doing even though I don't like it.  Even though I don't know the answers, I do trust that God's knows what's best for my family.  He's definitely preparing me for eternity.  He has given me an excitement about eternity.  And when that time comes, we will understand why God chose Chandler at such a young age.  And the best part is, we'll see Chandler and be in the presence of the Lord -- for eternity.  Not 16 years, but forever!