Yesterday was our first full day to get back into our normal routine since my family left to go back home and Chad got back from his trip. The day was okay. We also had church last night. Personally, I didn't want to go but we've missed a few weeks and I really needed to get Corben and Carlie there for their choir practice. They are working on a kid's program and if they don't get back to practice, they aren't going to be able to participate. It's hard for me to want to go to church because there are so many people. I don't mind talking to one or two people but when it gets to be more than that, it can be overwhelming right now. I made it through the night. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I was actually able to talk to some friends and enjoyed it. I didn't have to just answer "how are you doing?" which can be so hard to answer. We talked about the blog I am writing and we talked about Chandler. It's actually easier to just talk about Chandler than to have to answer the question "how are you doing"? I don't know the answer to that question. I'm not fine. I'm not okay. I'm not having a great day. I'm grieving the loss of my son. I cry at different times. I miss him. My heart is broken. I was in the bathroom yesterday afternoon fixing Carlie's hair to go to church. Out of the blue, my mind went to the hospital. I could see Chandler in the hospital bed, hooked up to life support. I started crying right there in the midst of working on Carlie's hair. You just never know when things like that will hit. Then, Chad, Corben, Carlie and I were eating dinner somewhere last night before going to church and Chad and I started talking about Chandler and how badly we hurt and how much we hate that our son is gone. I shared some things I had thought about and sat right there in that restaurant crying. I shared with Chad that I have wondered "did I pray enough when we were at the hospital?" If I had prayed more or prayed harder, would he be here today? I've thought about him laying there in that hospital bed. Did he hear things when we were there? The times that I walked out of the room, did he think "My mom left me. I want her back in here." But, he couldn't say anything because of his injuries. Chad assured me that none of that was true. Chandler was brain dead. He had no reflexes. He failed all of the tests they performed. If he could have been thinking things that I'm wondering about, then his brain could have told his body to breathe on it's own and he might be here with us today. A part of me knows all of that. But, when you lose a child, your mind does all kinds of things and thinks all kinds of thoughts.
Yesterday's devotion was another good one. Even today, I'm still thinking about it so I want to add it to my blog for future reference. I also know that there may be some other people who read it that could benefit from it.
In the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver. (Isaiah 49:2)
"In the shadow" --each of us must go there sometimes. The glare of the sunlight is too bright, and our eyes become injured. Soon they are unable to discern the subtle shades of color or appreciate neutral tints, such as the shadowed sickroom, the shadowed house of grief, or the shadowed life where the sunlight has departed.
But fear not! It is the shadow of God's hand. He is leading you, and there are lessons that can be learned only where He leads.
The photograph of His face can only be developed in the dark room. But do not assume that He has pushed you aside. You are still "in his quiver." He has not thrown you away as something worthless.
He is only keeping you nearby till the moment comes when He can send you quickly and confidently on some mission that will bring Him glory. O shadowed, isolated one, remember how closely the quiver is tied to the warrior. It is always within easy reach of his hand and jealously protected. from Christ in Isaiah, by F. B. Meyer
In some realms of nature, shadows or darkness are the places of greatest growth. The beautiful Indian corn never grows more rapidly than in the darkness of a warm summer night. The sun withers and curls the leaves in the scorching light of noon, but once a cloud hides the sun, they quickly unfold. The shadows provide a service that the sunlight does not. The starry beauty of the sky cannot be seen at its peak until the shadows of night slip over the sky. Lands with fog, clouds, and shade are lush with greenery. And there are beautiful flowers that bloom in the shade that will never bloom in the sun. Florists now have their evening primrose as well as their morning glory. The evening primrose will not open in the noonday sun but only reveals its beauty as the shadows of the evening grow longer.
If all of life were sunshine,
Our face would long to gain
And feel once more upon it
The cooling splash of rain.
Henry Jackson Van Dyke
My family is definitely in the shadows. We don't know what good will come of the tragedy that has happened to our family. We don't know yet what beauty will come out of this shadow. It might be a long time before we know it. We might not realize the beauty until we reach heaven. I have to remember that when I feel the darkness more than ever, I am still "in his quiver".
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