The words for this blog just aren't coming easily. I keep typing and deleting, typing and deleting. It's hard to believe that today marks the 2 year anniversary of Chandler going to heaven. Sometimes I feel like it just happened because I can remember those days so vividly. Sometimes if feels like forever ago. We still face each day one at a time. Some days are still harder than others. It can stem from the mood I wake up to or just seeing a picture of Chandler can bring back a memory that makes me miss him even more. I can hear a song that will trigger emotions for one reason or another. There are so many other things that can turn an okay day into a very emotional one. Corben and Carlie will often recall memories of Chandler. I love when they remember things. They were so young (5 & 6) when Chandler passed away so I worry that they'll forget a lot of things they shared with Chandler. That's why I'm thrilled when they bring up memories of Chandler. But sometimes when they talk about him, my heart just breaks for them. I think 'why can't Caleb, Corben and Carlie have their big brother here with them?' It breaks my heart that they have had to experience such a huge loss at such a young age.
We are so amazed to still have so much love and support from family and friends during this time. We are still so appreciate of the thoughts and prayers from everybody. The prayers do work. God hears y'all and he helps us through the days.
This blog is shorter than most because I can't seem to come up with the right words. I guess a part of me is in a little bit of shock just thinking about the "2 year anniversary". I'm just at a loss for words. But
there is a song by Kenny Chesney that is written so perfectly. I often have thoughts go through my mind like 'what would Chandler be doing? where would he go to school? would he have a family?', etc. So, I'll end this blog with those lyrics that say it all so much better than I can right now.
Who You'd Be Today lyrics - Kenny Chesney
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?
Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.
[Instrumental Break]
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Happy Birthday!
Chandler,
When you turned 13, your dad and I each gave you individual letters that we had written. You actually kept those letters and that meant so much to us when we found them in one of your drawers. Well, today is your 18th birthday. That is a big deal! I know that if you were here with us, I would want to give another special letter to you for this special day. Well, I want to write you a letter anyway. You may not be here physically but you are always in our hearts, everyday! That will never change!
You have officially reached the "adult" age today. I can't believe it. I remember the day you were born like it just happened. It was such a long labor and delivery. I remember my doctor always referred to your birth as an "ordeal". I think it wore him out. We always laughed about it with him. But, let me tell you that you were worth every pain I felt. I remember being in the hospital not long after you were born and I said "I would do that again."
Chandler, you were such an amazing son. We were and still are so proud of you. You were so smart, talented and funny. You could always make us laugh! We miss that so much! A little while ago, I was sitting here watching some of the videos you made. You would be taping goofy things and laughing and just having a good time. But, what's funny is that sometimes Caleb would get so frustrated at you with that camera. You're just laughing and he's just fussing at you. It just makes us laugh when we watch those videos.
One of the difficult things about your birthdays is having all of the questions run through my mind and knowing I'll never have the answers. How would you have changed physically over the past year? Would you be working somewhere? What kind of car would you have? Would you be picking a college to go to soon? I could go on and on with so many questions like that.
I wish so badly that you were here to see your brothers and sister grow up. Caleb is such an incredible young man. He's growing up so quickly and that hurts my heart. I know y'all are supposed to grow up and move on with your life. But, the reality that one day soon we will have an empty nest is very sad for me.
Corben is like you in a lot of ways. He does things sometimes and I'll think 'that is such a Chandler thing'. His looks get more and more like you as he gets older. Sometimes, I'll see him walking away and it just brings back memories of you at his age.
Carlie is still the loving little girl that she's always been. She has a way of making me laugh like you do too. I think she got a little bit of your humor. She would make you proud.
There are so many people that are trying hard to make your birthday a little easier on us. Your Aunt Brandi is amazing. She sent us all a package yesterday with little gifts for all of us to celebrate your day. She just tries to put a smile on our face by doing things like that. You know, yesterday was Connor's 8th birthday. So, today, he is having a birthday party. Well, Aunt Brandi told me that they are releasing balloons at his birthday party for you. I thought that was very sweet of your cousin to share his birthday party with you by sending up balloons. They love you so much. A little while ago, a car pulled up in our driveway. Aunt Brandi had some beautiful cupcakes (with dragonfly) designs delivered to us.
Nathan's brother, David, made something pretty special for us. He took wire hangers and went out in his backyard where a fire was built and banged on hot, wire hangers and formed them into letters to spell your name. His sister Anna drew you a birthday picture and brought it to me.
There are so many people praying for us and thinking of us today. It really does help us to get through these days that are a little harder than the other days.
I've made one of your favorite desserts today to celebrate your day. I've made brownies and I'll soon sprinkle powdered sugar on them. You always called them "flower bunnies". I have no idea why you named them that. I guess it's just your sense of humor. But, we still laugh at that name every time we hear it.
So, the day is nearly over. We've had tons of friends and family praying us through another one of your birthdays without you. Just a few minutes ago, I was checking my email. There was a message from the person at Lifenet that we keep in touch with to get information on the recipients of your organs. Well, can you believe she had forwarded me a letter that the heart recipient had written to us? Today, of all days, YOUR birthday, and we receive a letter from the girl who carries your heart. What timing! So, I'm hoping that we'll be able to start some correspondence with her now and get to know her better.
We miss you so much Chandler! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish you were here. Our lives have been changed so drastically and we still aren't used to it. I don't think we ever will be. We just do NOT like the change.
I hope you've had a wonderful birthday in heaven.
I love you so much!
Forever your mom!
When you turned 13, your dad and I each gave you individual letters that we had written. You actually kept those letters and that meant so much to us when we found them in one of your drawers. Well, today is your 18th birthday. That is a big deal! I know that if you were here with us, I would want to give another special letter to you for this special day. Well, I want to write you a letter anyway. You may not be here physically but you are always in our hearts, everyday! That will never change!
You have officially reached the "adult" age today. I can't believe it. I remember the day you were born like it just happened. It was such a long labor and delivery. I remember my doctor always referred to your birth as an "ordeal". I think it wore him out. We always laughed about it with him. But, let me tell you that you were worth every pain I felt. I remember being in the hospital not long after you were born and I said "I would do that again."
Chandler, you were such an amazing son. We were and still are so proud of you. You were so smart, talented and funny. You could always make us laugh! We miss that so much! A little while ago, I was sitting here watching some of the videos you made. You would be taping goofy things and laughing and just having a good time. But, what's funny is that sometimes Caleb would get so frustrated at you with that camera. You're just laughing and he's just fussing at you. It just makes us laugh when we watch those videos.
One of the difficult things about your birthdays is having all of the questions run through my mind and knowing I'll never have the answers. How would you have changed physically over the past year? Would you be working somewhere? What kind of car would you have? Would you be picking a college to go to soon? I could go on and on with so many questions like that.
I wish so badly that you were here to see your brothers and sister grow up. Caleb is such an incredible young man. He's growing up so quickly and that hurts my heart. I know y'all are supposed to grow up and move on with your life. But, the reality that one day soon we will have an empty nest is very sad for me.
Corben is like you in a lot of ways. He does things sometimes and I'll think 'that is such a Chandler thing'. His looks get more and more like you as he gets older. Sometimes, I'll see him walking away and it just brings back memories of you at his age.
Carlie is still the loving little girl that she's always been. She has a way of making me laugh like you do too. I think she got a little bit of your humor. She would make you proud.
There are so many people that are trying hard to make your birthday a little easier on us. Your Aunt Brandi is amazing. She sent us all a package yesterday with little gifts for all of us to celebrate your day. She just tries to put a smile on our face by doing things like that. You know, yesterday was Connor's 8th birthday. So, today, he is having a birthday party. Well, Aunt Brandi told me that they are releasing balloons at his birthday party for you. I thought that was very sweet of your cousin to share his birthday party with you by sending up balloons. They love you so much. A little while ago, a car pulled up in our driveway. Aunt Brandi had some beautiful cupcakes (with dragonfly) designs delivered to us.
Nathan's brother, David, made something pretty special for us. He took wire hangers and went out in his backyard where a fire was built and banged on hot, wire hangers and formed them into letters to spell your name. His sister Anna drew you a birthday picture and brought it to me.
There are so many people praying for us and thinking of us today. It really does help us to get through these days that are a little harder than the other days.
I've made one of your favorite desserts today to celebrate your day. I've made brownies and I'll soon sprinkle powdered sugar on them. You always called them "flower bunnies". I have no idea why you named them that. I guess it's just your sense of humor. But, we still laugh at that name every time we hear it.
So, the day is nearly over. We've had tons of friends and family praying us through another one of your birthdays without you. Just a few minutes ago, I was checking my email. There was a message from the person at Lifenet that we keep in touch with to get information on the recipients of your organs. Well, can you believe she had forwarded me a letter that the heart recipient had written to us? Today, of all days, YOUR birthday, and we receive a letter from the girl who carries your heart. What timing! So, I'm hoping that we'll be able to start some correspondence with her now and get to know her better.
We miss you so much Chandler! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish you were here. Our lives have been changed so drastically and we still aren't used to it. I don't think we ever will be. We just do NOT like the change.
I hope you've had a wonderful birthday in heaven.
I love you so much!
Forever your mom!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
The Call
For a long time now, we have hoped for the phone call that we received today. It was from Lifenet. They are the organization that we worked with when we donated Chandler's organs. About a year and a half ago, they informed us of the recipients of his organs. We've always wanted to hear from the recipients. We've sent all of them letters but have only heard from 2 of them (by letter) so far. For some reason, we've especially wanted to hear from the heart recipient, who was an 11 year old girl. Just knowing that Chandler's heart still beats in the body of someone else is so hard to comprehend.
During the phone call today, our Lifenet contact updated us on that young girl. She told us that she is planning to go trick or treating tomorrow night. That tells us that she is doing well. Because of Chandler's heart, she is able to live her life. She is able to do what young girls should be doing. That's great news! Of course, it is bittersweet for us because it took our son's heart to help her.
The next thing we were told was that the heart recipient is ready to talk to us. Are you kidding me?! Did she really say that? We've wanted to talk to her since the day we found out about her. As soon as we got the news today, all I could do was cry. We have to fill out some paperwork first. Then, we'll be able to swap phone numbers and plan the call. It will be a very difficult call. The girl we'll be talking to will have Chandler's beating heart inside of her. I just can't really imagine that. I don't even know if I'll be able to get any words to come out of my mouth. It's so hard to understand. I mean, my son is no longer with us. He is in heaven. But, his heart still beats! But, it's not beating inside of him anymore. That's hard to swallow and harder to accept. We don't know where she lives or anything about her at this time. I do hope that if our first conversation goes well, then maybe we'll be able to meet her in person one day. Now, that would be a dream come true for me. To be able to hug her and to feel the beating heart of Chandler would be amazing! But, we'll take it one step at a time.
As emotional as all of this is, we are so thankful for this call today. It is an answer to prayer. I am thrilled that this young girl wants to talk to us. We'll be getting our paperwork filled out and sent back in and we'll be preparing for this very special call.
During the phone call today, our Lifenet contact updated us on that young girl. She told us that she is planning to go trick or treating tomorrow night. That tells us that she is doing well. Because of Chandler's heart, she is able to live her life. She is able to do what young girls should be doing. That's great news! Of course, it is bittersweet for us because it took our son's heart to help her.
The next thing we were told was that the heart recipient is ready to talk to us. Are you kidding me?! Did she really say that? We've wanted to talk to her since the day we found out about her. As soon as we got the news today, all I could do was cry. We have to fill out some paperwork first. Then, we'll be able to swap phone numbers and plan the call. It will be a very difficult call. The girl we'll be talking to will have Chandler's beating heart inside of her. I just can't really imagine that. I don't even know if I'll be able to get any words to come out of my mouth. It's so hard to understand. I mean, my son is no longer with us. He is in heaven. But, his heart still beats! But, it's not beating inside of him anymore. That's hard to swallow and harder to accept. We don't know where she lives or anything about her at this time. I do hope that if our first conversation goes well, then maybe we'll be able to meet her in person one day. Now, that would be a dream come true for me. To be able to hug her and to feel the beating heart of Chandler would be amazing! But, we'll take it one step at a time.
As emotional as all of this is, we are so thankful for this call today. It is an answer to prayer. I am thrilled that this young girl wants to talk to us. We'll be getting our paperwork filled out and sent back in and we'll be preparing for this very special call.
Monday, July 30, 2012
The day before departing Roanoke
It has been a very busy day around here as we prepare to pull out of here in the morning. My day started with me going to Chandler's grave. I left this morning by myself and cried nearly the whole way there. I got to the cemetery and walked over to Chandler's plot. I pulled out a sheet and placed it on the ground right beside his marker. I sat there. I started out by taking an old toothbrush out and cleaning off his stone, brushing away grass and dirt. Then I just started talking to Chandler about all kinds of stuff. The move, the accident, how much I love and miss him. I mentioned family members by name and talked to him about how much each and every one of them love and miss him. I talked with the Lord as well. I wept the entire time. I know that heaven has to be a wonderful place. It's a perfect place. But, as a mom, I still worry about Chandler sometimes. I just want to know he's okay. I want to know he's happy. I also want Chandler to know how much I love him. I began to beg the Lord. I wanted him so badly to show me something, to give me a sign to give me some peace today. I was crying and pleading. Nothing was happening. So, I began talking to Chandler again. I said 'Chandler, who am I to be begging God of something? He died for my sins and I'm asking him for a sign. I guess I'm just going to have to trust that you are fine and trust that you know how very much I love you.' It was hard for me to say that and just face the fact that God wasn't going to giving some special sign today. I just had to believe and have faith. It's so much harder that way! I didn't want it to be that way but there wasn't anything I could do to change it. So, after I came to that realization, I just continued my time talking to Chandler. It was a beautiful day. It was a little cloudy and it was still early in the day so it wasn't very hot yet. I looked at the scenery, the many other graves surrounding me, the mountains and the trees all around. I could hear airplanes from the nearby airport going by. I sat there for 35 minutes. I knew it was getting close to time for me to leave. I told Chandler I could have stayed out there all day. But, I couldn't do that because I had to get home and pack up a house. But, it was so hard to pry myself up off of that ground. The more I tried, the harder it was. Knowing that I can't get back to Chandler's grave until I come back into Roanoke and visit was making it harder than ever to leave. I finally got myself from a seated position into a squat. I was gradually getting myself up. It was at that moment that I saw something. Yes, it was a dragonfly. I have never seen a dragonfly at that cemetery. I've seen butterflies and birds, but no dragonflies. Well, I took a double take and a triple take to make sure I wasn't seeing things. It was a dragonfly! It flew right around Chandler's grave and me and took off and I never saw it again. I was in awe! It took me a minute to realize that it really did happen. I wanted to question it at first. Did it really happen? Was I seeing things because I needed to see something so badly? But, it was real. I wanted to shout right there. I knew right then that Chandler was okay and he knows that I love him with everything in me and I always will. I needed to know that! I finally picked myself up, picked up the sheet and put it back into the bag. I walked to my car. I slowly pulled away and cried myself home. It was such an emotional time but it was so good. As hard as it is to visit Chandler's grave, I wanted to be there. I needed to be there. And, then when God sent that dragonfly, it just made my visit perfect. Thank you Lord!
When I got home, it was time for work. We had some friends come over and help us load the moving truck and do some cleaning in the house. We could not have done it without our friends. We are so thankful for their willingness to work with us.
One of our helpers was Anna. Anna was Chandler's best friend and is Caleb's as well. When she left today, she gave each of us a special note that she had written to us, individually. I didn't read mine right away. I knew I couldn't shed any more tears yet. So, I waited until everyone left and we had finished working for today. I opened up my letter and read it. It's amazing some of the things she said me. It was things that I needed to hear. One of the things I love and miss about Chandler is his sense of humor. He could make us laugh. He loved to laugh. He loved funny things. So, in my letter she told me: "I love your sense of humor. you're always making someone laugh. I can't think of a much better quality than the ability to make others laugh. You remind me of Chandler in that way". I remind her of Chandler. That touched me in a way I can't explain. Chandler's ability to make me laugh is one of my favorite things about him and Anna says I remind her of Chandler in that way. That was so good to hear. Everything she wrote to me meant so much but there was another thing she said that I really needed to hear. She said, "One thing I always knew about Chandler is that he loved his Mamma! He told me many times how 'awesome' his family was and he was right!" Chandler called us "awesome". Those words were sweet to this mama's ear. I know my kids know that they are loved. It's not that I really doubt it. But, when you lose a child, you start questioning all kinds of things like 'Did I do enough? Did I tell Chandler that I loved him enough? Did he really know how much I loved him' So, when I hear things like Anna told me today or I see a butterfly at the cemetery - it is so good for me. It helps give me some peace.
So, right now, we sit here in our almost empty house. We're sitting in the floor. Our TV is in the floor. Mattresses are on the floor. Nothing is on the walls. The refrigerator is gone. We're getting ready to spend our last night in our home here and say goodbye to Roanoke tomorrow morning. We're exhausted from working so hard today. But, in the midst of our last day here, God spoke to me through a dragonfly and through our dear friend, Anna.
When I got home, it was time for work. We had some friends come over and help us load the moving truck and do some cleaning in the house. We could not have done it without our friends. We are so thankful for their willingness to work with us.
One of our helpers was Anna. Anna was Chandler's best friend and is Caleb's as well. When she left today, she gave each of us a special note that she had written to us, individually. I didn't read mine right away. I knew I couldn't shed any more tears yet. So, I waited until everyone left and we had finished working for today. I opened up my letter and read it. It's amazing some of the things she said me. It was things that I needed to hear. One of the things I love and miss about Chandler is his sense of humor. He could make us laugh. He loved to laugh. He loved funny things. So, in my letter she told me: "I love your sense of humor. you're always making someone laugh. I can't think of a much better quality than the ability to make others laugh. You remind me of Chandler in that way". I remind her of Chandler. That touched me in a way I can't explain. Chandler's ability to make me laugh is one of my favorite things about him and Anna says I remind her of Chandler in that way. That was so good to hear. Everything she wrote to me meant so much but there was another thing she said that I really needed to hear. She said, "One thing I always knew about Chandler is that he loved his Mamma! He told me many times how 'awesome' his family was and he was right!" Chandler called us "awesome". Those words were sweet to this mama's ear. I know my kids know that they are loved. It's not that I really doubt it. But, when you lose a child, you start questioning all kinds of things like 'Did I do enough? Did I tell Chandler that I loved him enough? Did he really know how much I loved him' So, when I hear things like Anna told me today or I see a butterfly at the cemetery - it is so good for me. It helps give me some peace.
So, right now, we sit here in our almost empty house. We're sitting in the floor. Our TV is in the floor. Mattresses are on the floor. Nothing is on the walls. The refrigerator is gone. We're getting ready to spend our last night in our home here and say goodbye to Roanoke tomorrow morning. We're exhausted from working so hard today. But, in the midst of our last day here, God spoke to me through a dragonfly and through our dear friend, Anna.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Preparing to Move
In just 2 more days, we will leave Virginia and move to North Carolina. We've been in this area now for almost 5 years. We've experienced a lot since moving here. We've had some amazing times here. I have met some of the best friends I'll ever have since I've been here. I know the friendships I've made since I moved here are lasting ones. I am so thankful for each and every friend we've met here. We have truly been blessed.
We've also had our worst days here. This is where we had to say goodbye to Chandler as he left this world and went to heaven. I never would have imagined that we would have to experience every parent's worst nightmare.
It has been 20 months now since Chandler passed away. We've never been to the scene of the accident. We knew it was something we would want to do one day but we've never been ready. Well, since we're moving, we wanted to go there before we leave. So, today was the day. We met our dear friends, the McKinney's and they went with us. We parked on the road and as soon as I got out of the car, my eyes began to tear up. I hadn't even seen anything yet. I just knew that it was going to be hard. We walked to where Chandler's accident was. There is a cross there. Chandler's friend, Anna, had it made and it's perfect. It's blue, which was Chandler's color. It has a sweet message on it and then some of his closest friends, including his brother Caleb, have signed their names on it. As we stood around, we talked about the accident. The ones that were with Chandler that day shared some of what happened. I thought I had heard everything. But, I heard new things today that I didn't know about. Those new pieces of information hurt. It hurts because as I hear of what happened, I can not understand why Chandler didn't make it. The way it all happened, you would think that he would have gone to the hospital with broken bones or something, been treated and then sent home to recover. But, it didn't happen that way. It was so much worse. I don't believe I'll ever understand, at least not as long as I am this side of heaven. As I stood there imagining my son laying there and waiting on an ambulance, my heart just ached. I wished so badly that I could have been there with him, to hold him until the ambulance came. But, I am thankful that Chandler had some wonderful people with him that day: his brother, his best friend and her dad. One of the new things I learned was that the dad laid there with Chandler in that ditch until the ambulance arrived. As a mom, I can't even begin to explain how touched I was to hear that. He was there loving and comforting my son and that means the world to me. Chandler knew that he had people around him that loved him. To David: I know you would never want me to thank you for anything. I am going to anyway. First of all, you and your family have always loved on my children and treated them as your own. But, when I heard you talking today about laying there with Chandler, that touched me more than you'll ever know. Thank you for loving him. Thank you for being there for him that day. Chandler thought the world of you and your family. He really loved y'all! And, if we (his parents) couldn't be with him that day, then you were the next best thing!
I am still so confused about the accident. There are so many questions. I know that if I knew the answers it wouldn't bring Chandler back. For some reason, God took Chandler home. I just can't imagine why. It was also hard to see Corben & Carlie just standing there and walking around where the accident was. Chandler was an amazing brother and it breaks my heart that Corben and Carlie didn't have more time with him. Then, there is Caleb, Anna and David who were there today. They were with Chandler on that horrible day so I know it has to be hard on them to be there and remember that day. I wasn't even there that day and just being there today has affected me. I came home this evening and just broke down. I just had to cry for a while.
So, as I reflect on our years here in Roanoke, there is lots to think about. We've grown to love it here. I love all of our friends here. I love being in our home where we have memories of Chandler. I know we can take the memories with us but I like that I can walk into his bedroom and remember him there. If I want to go to visit Chandler's grave, I can do that. I won't be able to do that anymore. I can still visit when I come back here which will be often but it's not something I can just do if I wake up and feel the need to go. So, tomorrow, as I go to the cemetery, it will be harder than the normal visit.
We've also had our worst days here. This is where we had to say goodbye to Chandler as he left this world and went to heaven. I never would have imagined that we would have to experience every parent's worst nightmare.
It has been 20 months now since Chandler passed away. We've never been to the scene of the accident. We knew it was something we would want to do one day but we've never been ready. Well, since we're moving, we wanted to go there before we leave. So, today was the day. We met our dear friends, the McKinney's and they went with us. We parked on the road and as soon as I got out of the car, my eyes began to tear up. I hadn't even seen anything yet. I just knew that it was going to be hard. We walked to where Chandler's accident was. There is a cross there. Chandler's friend, Anna, had it made and it's perfect. It's blue, which was Chandler's color. It has a sweet message on it and then some of his closest friends, including his brother Caleb, have signed their names on it. As we stood around, we talked about the accident. The ones that were with Chandler that day shared some of what happened. I thought I had heard everything. But, I heard new things today that I didn't know about. Those new pieces of information hurt. It hurts because as I hear of what happened, I can not understand why Chandler didn't make it. The way it all happened, you would think that he would have gone to the hospital with broken bones or something, been treated and then sent home to recover. But, it didn't happen that way. It was so much worse. I don't believe I'll ever understand, at least not as long as I am this side of heaven. As I stood there imagining my son laying there and waiting on an ambulance, my heart just ached. I wished so badly that I could have been there with him, to hold him until the ambulance came. But, I am thankful that Chandler had some wonderful people with him that day: his brother, his best friend and her dad. One of the new things I learned was that the dad laid there with Chandler in that ditch until the ambulance arrived. As a mom, I can't even begin to explain how touched I was to hear that. He was there loving and comforting my son and that means the world to me. Chandler knew that he had people around him that loved him. To David: I know you would never want me to thank you for anything. I am going to anyway. First of all, you and your family have always loved on my children and treated them as your own. But, when I heard you talking today about laying there with Chandler, that touched me more than you'll ever know. Thank you for loving him. Thank you for being there for him that day. Chandler thought the world of you and your family. He really loved y'all! And, if we (his parents) couldn't be with him that day, then you were the next best thing!
I am still so confused about the accident. There are so many questions. I know that if I knew the answers it wouldn't bring Chandler back. For some reason, God took Chandler home. I just can't imagine why. It was also hard to see Corben & Carlie just standing there and walking around where the accident was. Chandler was an amazing brother and it breaks my heart that Corben and Carlie didn't have more time with him. Then, there is Caleb, Anna and David who were there today. They were with Chandler on that horrible day so I know it has to be hard on them to be there and remember that day. I wasn't even there that day and just being there today has affected me. I came home this evening and just broke down. I just had to cry for a while.
Monday, June 18, 2012
A Special Gift
I have some of the most amazing friends! I say that a lot. I say it a lot because it is so true! I do not take my friends for granted at all. They've been with me through good times and bad times. And, my bad times aren't the normal bad times. They are the worst of times. But, instead of taking the easy road, my friends have continued to stick by our family. They have been there to encourage us, pray of us, lend a shoulder to cry on, let us vent our anger and frustration, etc. Without the many friends I am blessed with, I wouldn't have made it this far.
This past Saturday we joined some of our friends for a cookout at the park. The friends that were at the park with us were there for a special reason. They recently gave us a gift. So, the families involved planned a time that we could get together and eat, fellowship and recall some of the memories we have.
Before I mention the gift these friends got us, I'll explain a little bit. Chad and I haven't been through Chandler's room yet to sort through his things. It's an emotional, difficult task and I haven't been ready to do it. I also refuse to just go through his stuff and pack it in totes and just store them somewhere. His stuff means more to me than that. I know it's just "stuff" but it's Chandler's stuff. And, right now, those things are the closest things I have to being able to touch him. So, Chad and I have tried to think of a way to store Chandler's things and have them nearby. We decided the best thing to do would be to purchase a chest. That way, we can put it in our bedroom at the foot of our bed. If I feel the need to have my hands on his things at any time, then they would be right there within reach. So, that was our plan. Well, some of our friends have heard me talking about our plan for a chest. So, several families went in together and purchased us a Lane cedar chest. It is absolutely beautiful. It is sitting at the foot of my bed and it's ready for me to put Chandler's things in it. The chest means so much to me and Chad. I can't even come up with words that would really allow these friends to truly know how thankful I am. It's not the normal "thank you". It's much more than that. When I look at the chest, I think of all of the families involved that gave it to us. I'll think of them every day, from now on. They gave us the most special gift we could ever receive. A beautiful gift to hold on to all of Chandler's things that mean the world to me.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Mother's Day 2012
Well, I have survived another Mother's Day even though one of my children is not here with me. The reason I made it through another difficult day is because I have such a wonderful family. I am writing this blog today for them. I want them to be able to read this many years from now and remember what they did for me and know that I am so thankful for them.
On Saturday (the day before Mother's Day), Carlie was outside playing with a friend. She came in with some flowers that she had picked in the yard somewhere and said "Happy Mother's Day". It was so sweet and the flowers were very pretty. We immediately put them in a small vase.
Later that same afternoon, Chad came home and he had a Mother's Day gift for me. He put it in a box and wanted me to open it that day. I told him that it wasn't even Mother's Day yet. But, he really didn't want to wait. So, I decided to go head and open it. He had written a note and explained every gift that he got. There was a meaning for each one. I have to say, his gift was perfect. And, it was so clever. He really put thought into it. I have to say that he knows me pretty well. Caleb even asked him if he got the idea online or something. No, it was all Chad's idea.
At the top of Chad's note, he wrote: "This Mother's Day celebrates your love of a healthy lifestyle". So, I pulled out the first gift. It was a liquid shot of B12 - cherry flavor. The note reads: "Enjoy a shot of B12 on days when energy is hard to come by. Being a mom requires a lot of sleepless nights and can be very exhausting".
The 2nd gift was Burt's Bees foot massage cream. The note reads: "Enjoy a foot massage with Burt's foot cream. The demands of motherhood often requires that you spend hours on your feet. Recruit dad to rub your feet for a relaxing massage".
The 3rd gift was detox tablets called Candida Cleanse. The note reads: "Moms need digestive health and de-tox. To stay spry and vibrant for the kids (and dad) requires an occasional cleanse. Enjoy Candida Cleanse for optimum health".
The 4th gift was a bottle of wine. The note reads: "Finally: Mental Health. Enjoy a glass of wine to unwind, destress and relax after a long day. Add a little Grey's Anatomy and you have a mini-vacation. All for you - Mom!"
I have to say that I was very impressed by his gifts and the thought he put into it. I love it! And, all of this happened and it wasn't even officially Mother's Day yet.
So, on Mother's Day, Corben and Carlie gave me a plate that they had decorated for me. Caleb gave me a card from all of them and when he did, he hugged me and told me that he loved me. Let me say that that hug from Caleb meant so much to me. When he hugged me, he hugged me tight. Because he's a teenage boy, I don't get hugs from him everyday. So, when he hugged me the way that he did and told me he loved me - he made my day! Of course, I don't know that it was as pleasant for him as it was for me. I had just finished working out, so when he hugged me, he felt a sweaty, sticky body. He wasn't expecting that. It was quite funny.
Then, Chad took me out to dinner for Mother's Day and afterward he took me to the movie theater to see the new Johnny Depp movie. We had a very enjoyable evening.
So, my family really stepped up this year and did an awesome job. I even pulled out some old Mother's Day cards from Chandler and read them. They all made me feel special and loved. I feel like the luckiest, most blessed mama in the world!
On a very different note, today (May 14) means that it has been a year and a half since Chandler passed away. That is so hard to accept. It's painful! It's hard to comprehend that it has been that long! Yet, it also seems like it's been forever. We miss Chandler so much. I still look at his pictures and it kills me. My heart just aches for him.
Chad, Caleb, Corben & Carlie,
Thank you for making my Mother's Day so special! Ya'll really did an amazing job! You've really set a high standard. Don't let me down next year. Keep in mind that I'll always be comparing every Mother's Day to the one in 2012. : )
I love you all!!
Chandler,
I miss you so much. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you, remember your voice, your laughter and your great since of humor. I wish every day that you were here with us. As I was looking through some of your Mother's Day cards you had made for me over the years, I could feel your love. You told me you loved me in every one of them and I am so thankful to have them now.
I love you with everything in me and I always will!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A dream
This won't be a long blog. I just wanted to record what happened so that I could always remember it. Since Chandler's passing, I've wanted to dream about him so badly. I miss him so much and I just want to see him. When no dreams ever happened, I just couldn't understand it. I would lay in bed at night and beg the Lord to let me see Chandler in a dream. It seems so simple yet it wasn't happening. Was I really asking too much? Many months after Chandler passed, I did have a few dreams. But, they were horrible. They were disturbing, frightening and upsetting. I wasn't comforted by them at all. Since those few dreams, I haven't had any more. It's been a while since I even had those.
I woke up this morning to get Caleb up so that he could leave early with Chad. After packing their lunches, I went back to bed to lay down a little while. As I laid there, I suddenly realized to myself "I saw Chandler". I remembered that he had been in my dream last night. I don't remember any details about it at all. I've racked my brain trying to remember everything that happened but it's just not there. But, I do know that it wasn't a bad dream. I also recall seeing him and that is the most important thing. It was so sweet to see him there. I want to see him again so badly. I hope that it doesn't take a long time for that to happen again. We have a lot going on in our lives right now. So, having this dream of Chandler was a huge gift. Thank you Lord!
I woke up this morning to get Caleb up so that he could leave early with Chad. After packing their lunches, I went back to bed to lay down a little while. As I laid there, I suddenly realized to myself "I saw Chandler". I remembered that he had been in my dream last night. I don't remember any details about it at all. I've racked my brain trying to remember everything that happened but it's just not there. But, I do know that it wasn't a bad dream. I also recall seeing him and that is the most important thing. It was so sweet to see him there. I want to see him again so badly. I hope that it doesn't take a long time for that to happen again. We have a lot going on in our lives right now. So, having this dream of Chandler was a huge gift. Thank you Lord!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Moving
Well, the news is out. We are moving. We are leaving Roanoke, Virginia and going back to Wake Forest, NC. Chad will be going back to school to work on his Master's degree. This hasn't been an easy decision to make, especially for me. I don't like the timing of it all. Couldn't this have happened 2 years ago? That would have been better for me. But, God's timing is not our timing.
We've made such great friends here. Of course, moving doesn't mean the friendship will end. I've had long distance friendships since 1989, when I moved from Alabama. So, if there is anything I know how to do, it would be to keep a friendship going even with the distance. As I think about the many great friends that I have, it has hit me that even though there is distance between us, you would never know it when we get together. That's a blessing! I know that I will experience the same thing with the friends I have made here. I have no doubt that we'll still be friends. The hard part is not seeing them as often. I'm used to hanging out with my friends regularly. Plus, my friends have been such a huge blessing for me over the past 15 months. They have been so loving and supportive of me as I have grieved and continue to grieve over Chandler. They have all been so perfect. They've laughed with me and cried with me. I don't know what I would have done without my friends. And, I still need them!
The hardest part about moving from here is the fact that we had Chandler with us in the home we are living in now. I can look around my home now and remember him here. I can look in my kitchen and see him standing there making his chocolate milk and waffle. I can walk in his bedroom and see it as if he were still here (even though the bed is in a different place because Corben is in there). I look out in the back yard and I see him there. I see him working in the yard and playing around with the kids. I look out our front door as one of the kids walk to the mailbox and I see Chandler walking down that driveway. There are just so many memories of him here. When we go to another home, it will be different. We won't have the memories of him in that house. Another thing we have to do is pack up his stuff. All of his stuff; clothing, shoes, games, school stuff, etc. is still in his room, in it's place. I haven't packed anything up. I haven't wanted to. I like that I can walk in there and open a drawer and see his stuff there just like it was when he was here. If I want to go grab a shirt or jacket and hold it close or even wear it, I can do that. I'm not getting rid of anything! I don't even want to pack it up and just store it. I want it assessible. So, our goal is to find a nice big chest to put at the foot of my bed. I'll put Chandler's stuff there and I'll always have it with me. I know it's just "stuff" but it's "Chandler's stuff". And, to me, that means everything. I cherish it all! Holding one of his shirts close to me is the closest thing I can get to a hug from him now. There is no comparison at all but sometimes I need that. So, one day, in the next few months, we have to go through Chandler's room and pack it up to move. Even though, it will only be put away temporarily so that we can get it to another place, it is still going to be a hard and emotional thing for us to do.
Another thing I've had to deal with since we began talking about going back to school is the fact that Chandler is buried here. My biggest fear when we were planning his funeral and deciding what to do about burial was that we might move one day and then his grave would be here. I thought the best thing to do would be to cremate him. Then, he could go everywhere we went. In the end, we did bury him. I had no idea that so soon after we chose to bury him that I would be having to face moving and leaving the area where his grave is. When we first started discussing leaving, that is the first thing that popped into my mind. It broke my heart. I know Chandler is not there at that grave. It's just a shell. But, that's "my" shell. The shell of "my son". If I want to go visit his memorial, I can. Plus, one of my pet peeves at the cemetery is seeing flowers that are so faded and ugly. You can tell that no one has been there in forever. I understand that that happens. I'm sure that eventually families die out or no one lives close enough to get there so there is no way to have fresh looking flowers all of the time. But, I don't want that for my son's grave. I want his grave to look nice. I want to "see" the love of his family in those flowers when I approach his grave. I want to "feel" our love for him when I walk up to it. Maybe all that is selfish but it's the way I feel. So, I will do everything in my power to get back here regularly to attend to his grave.
There are some pros to moving to Wake Forest. One of them is that it is only a 2 1/2 hour drive. So, that makes it easy for me to come back regularly to visit Chandler's grave, to visit friends, to come get my hair done (yes, I'm going to come back here for my hair appointments). I've found a great girl that does my hair beautifully and I am not going through the stress of finding another one. Because we've lived in Wake Forest before (for 7 years), we also still have some great friends in the area. So, that is helpful. To go somewhere new where we don't know anybody would have been so much harder. Now, for the best "pro" in going back to Wake Forest. We lived there from the time Chandler was 4 1/2 to almost 11 years old. So, we have tons of memories of Chandler there. We've been to visit a few times since Chandler passed away and as I drive around the area, memories come to mind of when we lived there and the things we did with him. I drove through town one time telling Corben and Carlie, "I went with Chandler on a field trip there one time." "That's where Chandler played Upward Basketball, etc". So, for me, having memories of Chandler there is so helpful. We won't have memories of him in our home there but we can drive anywhere in the area and remember our previous years there with Chandler and Caleb. I just wish Chandler was going with us so badly. Chandler and Caleb loved Wake Forest. They talked about it all the time after we moved from there. It is "home" to them. If Chandler were here with us today, he would be ecstatic that we were going back there.
So, I as I close this blog, I just want to ask friends and family to pray. Pray for our transition. Pray that we see God in all of this. We have a house that needs to sell. We need to find housing in Wake Forest. Chad needs a job in Wake Forest. I'm also dealing with something personally that I won't share here, but I would just ask for you to pray for me. Pray that I can stop thinking about it and just turn it over to God and let him be in control of it. I have some sinful feelings in me that I need to release. They aren't helping me any and there is certainly nothing I can do about the situation. Pray for the kids as they prepare to move away from their friends as well. They do all have friends in WF which is good but they've gotten comfortable here. They love their friends here and this has been "home" for almost 4 1/2 years now.
We've made such great friends here. Of course, moving doesn't mean the friendship will end. I've had long distance friendships since 1989, when I moved from Alabama. So, if there is anything I know how to do, it would be to keep a friendship going even with the distance. As I think about the many great friends that I have, it has hit me that even though there is distance between us, you would never know it when we get together. That's a blessing! I know that I will experience the same thing with the friends I have made here. I have no doubt that we'll still be friends. The hard part is not seeing them as often. I'm used to hanging out with my friends regularly. Plus, my friends have been such a huge blessing for me over the past 15 months. They have been so loving and supportive of me as I have grieved and continue to grieve over Chandler. They have all been so perfect. They've laughed with me and cried with me. I don't know what I would have done without my friends. And, I still need them!
The hardest part about moving from here is the fact that we had Chandler with us in the home we are living in now. I can look around my home now and remember him here. I can look in my kitchen and see him standing there making his chocolate milk and waffle. I can walk in his bedroom and see it as if he were still here (even though the bed is in a different place because Corben is in there). I look out in the back yard and I see him there. I see him working in the yard and playing around with the kids. I look out our front door as one of the kids walk to the mailbox and I see Chandler walking down that driveway. There are just so many memories of him here. When we go to another home, it will be different. We won't have the memories of him in that house. Another thing we have to do is pack up his stuff. All of his stuff; clothing, shoes, games, school stuff, etc. is still in his room, in it's place. I haven't packed anything up. I haven't wanted to. I like that I can walk in there and open a drawer and see his stuff there just like it was when he was here. If I want to go grab a shirt or jacket and hold it close or even wear it, I can do that. I'm not getting rid of anything! I don't even want to pack it up and just store it. I want it assessible. So, our goal is to find a nice big chest to put at the foot of my bed. I'll put Chandler's stuff there and I'll always have it with me. I know it's just "stuff" but it's "Chandler's stuff". And, to me, that means everything. I cherish it all! Holding one of his shirts close to me is the closest thing I can get to a hug from him now. There is no comparison at all but sometimes I need that. So, one day, in the next few months, we have to go through Chandler's room and pack it up to move. Even though, it will only be put away temporarily so that we can get it to another place, it is still going to be a hard and emotional thing for us to do.
Another thing I've had to deal with since we began talking about going back to school is the fact that Chandler is buried here. My biggest fear when we were planning his funeral and deciding what to do about burial was that we might move one day and then his grave would be here. I thought the best thing to do would be to cremate him. Then, he could go everywhere we went. In the end, we did bury him. I had no idea that so soon after we chose to bury him that I would be having to face moving and leaving the area where his grave is. When we first started discussing leaving, that is the first thing that popped into my mind. It broke my heart. I know Chandler is not there at that grave. It's just a shell. But, that's "my" shell. The shell of "my son". If I want to go visit his memorial, I can. Plus, one of my pet peeves at the cemetery is seeing flowers that are so faded and ugly. You can tell that no one has been there in forever. I understand that that happens. I'm sure that eventually families die out or no one lives close enough to get there so there is no way to have fresh looking flowers all of the time. But, I don't want that for my son's grave. I want his grave to look nice. I want to "see" the love of his family in those flowers when I approach his grave. I want to "feel" our love for him when I walk up to it. Maybe all that is selfish but it's the way I feel. So, I will do everything in my power to get back here regularly to attend to his grave.
There are some pros to moving to Wake Forest. One of them is that it is only a 2 1/2 hour drive. So, that makes it easy for me to come back regularly to visit Chandler's grave, to visit friends, to come get my hair done (yes, I'm going to come back here for my hair appointments). I've found a great girl that does my hair beautifully and I am not going through the stress of finding another one. Because we've lived in Wake Forest before (for 7 years), we also still have some great friends in the area. So, that is helpful. To go somewhere new where we don't know anybody would have been so much harder. Now, for the best "pro" in going back to Wake Forest. We lived there from the time Chandler was 4 1/2 to almost 11 years old. So, we have tons of memories of Chandler there. We've been to visit a few times since Chandler passed away and as I drive around the area, memories come to mind of when we lived there and the things we did with him. I drove through town one time telling Corben and Carlie, "I went with Chandler on a field trip there one time." "That's where Chandler played Upward Basketball, etc". So, for me, having memories of Chandler there is so helpful. We won't have memories of him in our home there but we can drive anywhere in the area and remember our previous years there with Chandler and Caleb. I just wish Chandler was going with us so badly. Chandler and Caleb loved Wake Forest. They talked about it all the time after we moved from there. It is "home" to them. If Chandler were here with us today, he would be ecstatic that we were going back there.
So, I as I close this blog, I just want to ask friends and family to pray. Pray for our transition. Pray that we see God in all of this. We have a house that needs to sell. We need to find housing in Wake Forest. Chad needs a job in Wake Forest. I'm also dealing with something personally that I won't share here, but I would just ask for you to pray for me. Pray that I can stop thinking about it and just turn it over to God and let him be in control of it. I have some sinful feelings in me that I need to release. They aren't helping me any and there is certainly nothing I can do about the situation. Pray for the kids as they prepare to move away from their friends as well. They do all have friends in WF which is good but they've gotten comfortable here. They love their friends here and this has been "home" for almost 4 1/2 years now.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Lack of faith
I haven't blogged a lot lately. I think about it a lot but I just haven't been able to. The last 14 1/2 months have been heartbreaking. They continue to be. It seems like the more time that goes by without Chandler, the harder it is. We all miss him so much! I would give anything to see his smile, hear his voice. I miss him acting goofy and trying to get a laugh! Yesterday, I had to take Caleb up the road. The little ones and I were driving back home and they were singing to the radio. Out of the blue, I just lost it. Tears rolled down my face. I wanted to pull over somewhere and get out of the car and just shout. But, I didn't. Instead, I cried all the way home and did my shouting inside my head.
In addition to my grief, our family has been dealing with some other issues. The issues aren't resolved and we're still working on them. Dealing with it all has affected me in a lot of ways. I feel so discouraged. My faith hasn't been strong at all. As a matter of fact, I've questioned some things. The bad thing is that I question them to myself which isn't helping me at all. I haven't even shared with Chad some of the things I'm dealing with. I haven't picked up my devotion book in months and that used to be a daily thing for me. So, needless to say, I've definitely been in the valley and I'm trying to climb my way out. It's not easy.
I read in my devotion book yesterday for the first time in a long time trying to find any kind of encouragement. I know I'm going to have to put forth some effort if I am to build my faith back up. I'm telling you it's at an all time low right now. So, this morning, I read in my book again. I read the devotion for January 26. I'm going to share it here and then I'll say what I think about it.
I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess. (Deuteronomy 2:31)
The Bible has a great deal to say about waiting for God, and the teaching cannot be too strongly emphasized. We so easily become impatient with God's delays. Yet much of our trouble in life is the result of our restless, and sometimes reckless, haste. We cannot wait for the fruit to ripen, but insist on picking it while it is still green. We cannot wait for the answers to our prayers, although it may take many years for the things we pray for to be prepared for us. We are encouraged to walk with God, but often God walks very slowly. Yet there is also another side to this teaching: God often waits for us.
Quite often we fail to receive the blessing He has ready for us because we are not moving forward with Him. While it is true we miss many blessings by not waiting for God, we also lose numerous blessings by overwaiting. There are times when it takes strength to simply sit still, but there are also times when we are to move forward with a confident step.
Many of God's promises are conditional, requiring some initial action on our part. Once we begin to obey, He will begin to bless us. Great things were promised to Abraham, but not one of them could have been obtained had he waited in Chaldea. He had to leave his home, friends, and country, travel unfamiliar paths, and press on in unwavering obedience in order to receive the promises. The ten lepers Jesus healed were told to show themselves to the priest, and "as they went, they were cleansed" (Luke 17:14). If they had waited to see the cleansing come to their bodies before leaving, they would never have seen it. God was waiting to heal them, and the moment their faith began to work, the blessing came.
When the Israelites were entrapped by Pharaoh's pursuing army at the Red Sea, they were commanded to "go forward" (Ex. 14:15 KJV). No longer was it their duty to wait, but to rise up from bended knees and "go forward" with heroic faith. Years later the Israelites were commanded to show their faith again by beginning their march over the Jordan while the river was at its highest point. They held the key to unlock the gate into the Land of Promise in their own hands, and the gate would not begin to turn on its hinges until they had approached and unlocked it. They key was faith.
We are destined to fight certain battles, and we think we can never be victorious and conquer our enemies. Yet as we enter the conflict, One comes who fights by our side. Through Him we are "more than conquerors" (Rom. 8:37). If we had waited in fear and trembling for our Helper to come before we would enter the battle, we would have waited in vain. This would have been the overwaiting of unbelief. God is waiting to pour out His richest blessings on you. "Go forward" with bold confidence and take what is yours. "I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess." J. R. Miller
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So, I could really relate to this devotion. It made sense to me. I've thought, "maybe this devotion was specifically for me on this day". But, then I also think "it's just a coincidence" God isn't actually giving me these words for today. I just don't know what to believe. Because of my lack of faith these days, it's possible that I'm waiting on God to do something when he's really waiting on me to make the move. Am I waiting in vain? But, there are so many questions my family has about what's going on and we still don't have answers. Without some of those answers, it's hard to move forward. With a lack of faith, how am I supposed to take a step and move toward God and whatever he has for the Coleman family?
What if the key to blessings for my family and our "Land of Promise" is my faith? Then, right now, my faith isn't working for us. It's actually hurting us? But, how do I restore my faith? I've been in this valley for so long that I don't know how to get out. What if I get out and there still aren't any changes? What if it's meant to be for me to struggle my entire life? I just have so many questions and no answers. I would really love to sit with God and have a chat and have Him give me the answers. I would even settle for him sending me a letter in the mail. But, none of that is happening. He's not speaking to me personally so it just makes all of this so difficult. Then again, maybe today He did speak to me through this devotion. It is possible. But, what if it wasn't a word from Him for me today? It just happened to be the devotion for today's date. I just have so many questions and I don't know what to do. I don't know what step to take next. I'll get a little feeling of encouragement but I go right back to where I was. It's one step up and two steps back for me.
If you think of the Coleman family at all throughout the day, please say a prayer for us. We have a lot going on and we could use those extra prayers for guidance and wisdom in making decisions for our family. Thank you!
In addition to my grief, our family has been dealing with some other issues. The issues aren't resolved and we're still working on them. Dealing with it all has affected me in a lot of ways. I feel so discouraged. My faith hasn't been strong at all. As a matter of fact, I've questioned some things. The bad thing is that I question them to myself which isn't helping me at all. I haven't even shared with Chad some of the things I'm dealing with. I haven't picked up my devotion book in months and that used to be a daily thing for me. So, needless to say, I've definitely been in the valley and I'm trying to climb my way out. It's not easy.
I read in my devotion book yesterday for the first time in a long time trying to find any kind of encouragement. I know I'm going to have to put forth some effort if I am to build my faith back up. I'm telling you it's at an all time low right now. So, this morning, I read in my book again. I read the devotion for January 26. I'm going to share it here and then I'll say what I think about it.
I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess. (Deuteronomy 2:31)
The Bible has a great deal to say about waiting for God, and the teaching cannot be too strongly emphasized. We so easily become impatient with God's delays. Yet much of our trouble in life is the result of our restless, and sometimes reckless, haste. We cannot wait for the fruit to ripen, but insist on picking it while it is still green. We cannot wait for the answers to our prayers, although it may take many years for the things we pray for to be prepared for us. We are encouraged to walk with God, but often God walks very slowly. Yet there is also another side to this teaching: God often waits for us.
Quite often we fail to receive the blessing He has ready for us because we are not moving forward with Him. While it is true we miss many blessings by not waiting for God, we also lose numerous blessings by overwaiting. There are times when it takes strength to simply sit still, but there are also times when we are to move forward with a confident step.
Many of God's promises are conditional, requiring some initial action on our part. Once we begin to obey, He will begin to bless us. Great things were promised to Abraham, but not one of them could have been obtained had he waited in Chaldea. He had to leave his home, friends, and country, travel unfamiliar paths, and press on in unwavering obedience in order to receive the promises. The ten lepers Jesus healed were told to show themselves to the priest, and "as they went, they were cleansed" (Luke 17:14). If they had waited to see the cleansing come to their bodies before leaving, they would never have seen it. God was waiting to heal them, and the moment their faith began to work, the blessing came.
When the Israelites were entrapped by Pharaoh's pursuing army at the Red Sea, they were commanded to "go forward" (Ex. 14:15 KJV). No longer was it their duty to wait, but to rise up from bended knees and "go forward" with heroic faith. Years later the Israelites were commanded to show their faith again by beginning their march over the Jordan while the river was at its highest point. They held the key to unlock the gate into the Land of Promise in their own hands, and the gate would not begin to turn on its hinges until they had approached and unlocked it. They key was faith.
We are destined to fight certain battles, and we think we can never be victorious and conquer our enemies. Yet as we enter the conflict, One comes who fights by our side. Through Him we are "more than conquerors" (Rom. 8:37). If we had waited in fear and trembling for our Helper to come before we would enter the battle, we would have waited in vain. This would have been the overwaiting of unbelief. God is waiting to pour out His richest blessings on you. "Go forward" with bold confidence and take what is yours. "I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess." J. R. Miller
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So, I could really relate to this devotion. It made sense to me. I've thought, "maybe this devotion was specifically for me on this day". But, then I also think "it's just a coincidence" God isn't actually giving me these words for today. I just don't know what to believe. Because of my lack of faith these days, it's possible that I'm waiting on God to do something when he's really waiting on me to make the move. Am I waiting in vain? But, there are so many questions my family has about what's going on and we still don't have answers. Without some of those answers, it's hard to move forward. With a lack of faith, how am I supposed to take a step and move toward God and whatever he has for the Coleman family?
What if the key to blessings for my family and our "Land of Promise" is my faith? Then, right now, my faith isn't working for us. It's actually hurting us? But, how do I restore my faith? I've been in this valley for so long that I don't know how to get out. What if I get out and there still aren't any changes? What if it's meant to be for me to struggle my entire life? I just have so many questions and no answers. I would really love to sit with God and have a chat and have Him give me the answers. I would even settle for him sending me a letter in the mail. But, none of that is happening. He's not speaking to me personally so it just makes all of this so difficult. Then again, maybe today He did speak to me through this devotion. It is possible. But, what if it wasn't a word from Him for me today? It just happened to be the devotion for today's date. I just have so many questions and I don't know what to do. I don't know what step to take next. I'll get a little feeling of encouragement but I go right back to where I was. It's one step up and two steps back for me.
If you think of the Coleman family at all throughout the day, please say a prayer for us. We have a lot going on and we could use those extra prayers for guidance and wisdom in making decisions for our family. Thank you!
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