When you turned 13, your dad and I each gave you individual letters that we had written. You actually kept those letters and that meant so much to us when we found them in one of your drawers. Well, today is your 18th birthday. That is a big deal! I know that if you were here with us, I would want to give another special letter to you for this special day. Well, I want to write you a letter anyway. You may not be here physically but you are always in our hearts, everyday! That will never change!
You have officially reached the "adult" age today. I can't believe it. I remember the day you were born like it just happened. It was such a long labor and delivery. I remember my doctor always referred to your birth as an "ordeal". I think it wore him out. We always laughed about it with him. But, let me tell you that you were worth every pain I felt. I remember being in the hospital not long after you were born and I said "I would do that again."
Chandler, you were such an amazing son. We were and still are so proud of you. You were so smart, talented and funny. You could always make us laugh! We miss that so much! A little while ago, I was sitting here watching some of the videos you made. You would be taping goofy things and laughing and just having a good time. But, what's funny is that sometimes Caleb would get so frustrated at you with that camera. You're just laughing and he's just fussing at you. It just makes us laugh when we watch those videos.
One of the difficult things about your birthdays is having all of the questions run through my mind and knowing I'll never have the answers. How would you have changed physically over the past year? Would you be working somewhere? What kind of car would you have? Would you be picking a college to go to soon? I could go on and on with so many questions like that.
I wish so badly that you were here to see your brothers and sister grow up. Caleb is such an incredible young man. He's growing up so quickly and that hurts my heart. I know y'all are supposed to grow up and move on with your life. But, the reality that one day soon we will have an empty nest is very sad for me.
Corben is like you in a lot of ways. He does things sometimes and I'll think 'that is such a Chandler thing'. His looks get more and more like you as he gets older. Sometimes, I'll see him walking away and it just brings back memories of you at his age.
Carlie is still the loving little girl that she's always been. She has a way of making me laugh like you do too. I think she got a little bit of your humor. She would make you proud.
There are so many people that are trying hard to make your birthday a little easier on us. Your Aunt Brandi is amazing. She sent us all a package yesterday with little gifts for all of us to celebrate your day. She just tries to put a smile on our face by doing things like that. You know, yesterday was Connor's 8th birthday. So, today, he is having a birthday party. Well, Aunt Brandi told me that they are releasing balloons at his birthday party for you. I thought that was very sweet of your cousin to share his birthday party with you by sending up balloons. They love you so much. A little while ago, a car pulled up in our driveway. Aunt Brandi had some beautiful cupcakes (with dragonfly) designs delivered to us.
Nathan's brother, David, made something pretty special for us. He took wire hangers and went out in his backyard where a fire was built and banged on hot, wire hangers and formed them into letters to spell your name. His sister Anna drew you a birthday picture and brought it to me.
There are so many people praying for us and thinking of us today. It really does help us to get through these days that are a little harder than the other days.
I've made one of your favorite desserts today to celebrate your day. I've made brownies and I'll soon sprinkle powdered sugar on them. You always called them "flower bunnies". I have no idea why you named them that. I guess it's just your sense of humor. But, we still laugh at that name every time we hear it.
So, the day is nearly over. We've had tons of friends and family praying us through another one of your birthdays without you. Just a few minutes ago, I was checking my email. There was a message from the person at Lifenet that we keep in touch with to get information on the recipients of your organs. Well, can you believe she had forwarded me a letter that the heart recipient had written to us? Today, of all days, YOUR birthday, and we receive a letter from the girl who carries your heart. What timing! So, I'm hoping that we'll be able to start some correspondence with her now and get to know her better.
We miss you so much Chandler! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish you were here. Our lives have been changed so drastically and we still aren't used to it. I don't think we ever will be. We just do NOT like the change.
I hope you've had a wonderful birthday in heaven.
I love you so much!
Forever your mom!
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