1 Year

I have just lived through the worst year of my entire life.  I have cried more this year than I have throughout my life.  It has been an emotional year and a tiring year.  One thing I've learned is that grief will wear you out.  I never imagined that our family would be on this journey.  It's something every parent fears but you never think it will happen to you.  Sometimes, it's still hard for me to believe that it has happened to us.  What we're going through seems so surreal sometimes. 

People say to me "I don't know how you do it".  Honestly, I don't either!  It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.  All I know is that I have no other choice but to do it.  I have 3 other kids that still need me.  I have a husband.  I have family.  I have friends (so many great friends)!  It's because of the people in my life that I have to go on.  Trust me, it would be so much easier to give up!  But, how would that help the people around me?  So, as hard as it is, I have to continue on, one day at a time.

I've learned this year that Chandler has a ton of great friends, and so do we!  We've had so many people thinking of us and praying for us and doing everything they can to help us during this time.  I've been amazed at the love and support.

As we've gone through the past year, there have been tons of "firsts" that we've had to deal with; holidays, birthdays, vacation, etc.  Every day is hard but those days are extra hard!  As we did different things throughout the year, I could remember back to the past year and remember when Chandler was with us and the different things he did or said.  One of the things that bothers me about approaching the 1 year anniversary is that I don't have that anymore.  We won't have memories of Chandler from last year.  That bothers me because the time that he was with us is just going to be farther away.  We do still have the memories and I'm thankful for that.  I just don't like the distance that's coming between those memories.

I've always known that I was blessed with some great kids!  I'm proud of all of them.  I'm even more proud of them today than I was a year ago.  I've learned things about Chandler from other people over the last year that I didn't know about.  It's been nice to hear about the different things.  They've all been great things and they make me love him even more.  It's the same way with my other kids.  Caleb has been amazing!  He has been so strong in dealing with all of this.  I was worried about him because he was there the day of accident.  He witnessed what happened to his brother/friend.   But, he has kept his faith and he remembers the good things about his brother.  He has been an inspiration to many, including me.  Corben and Carlie are young but they've been amazing as well.  Early on, Carlie would comfort me when she saw me at my saddest times.  She would sit beside me and rub on me or just be close.  Corben talks about Chandler a lot.  He'll talk about things that he remembers Chandler doing or things that he said.  The kids will say something about him nearly every day.  That's important!  They are young and I want them to hold onto those memories.  I don't want them to forget.  

As we start a new year tomorrow without Chandler, I don't know what to expect.  It's hard for me to believe that we've gone on this long.  Our family is incomplete and we're having to learn day by day how to live that way.  We'll just keep doing what we're doing and pray that God continues to hold onto us until we're all together again some day. 

The past week has been very emotional and tiring as we've celebrated Chandler's first birthday without him here with us as well as his 1st anniversary in heaven.  We are exhausted!  But, we're leaving tomorrow afternoon for some time of respite.  Chad has been blessed with some time off.  On top of that, we've had some wonderful people open up their beach home to us so that we can get away as a family.  I am so thankful for this opportunity for our family.  We need it!  I'm hoping we can come home refreshed.  We still have the holidays ahead which I'm not looking forward to.  But, hopefully, the time away will allow me to relax and come back ready and able to take on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

My sister sent me a text today and I want to share something she said.  It's the only good thing I could say about it being the one year anniversary:  "We're a year closer to being with him again".

Chandler, I love you and miss you so much.  You are always in my thoughts and you will always be in my heart.  I look forward to the day when I see you again.  Be ready to receive the biggest and longest hug ever. 











 

Remembering Chandler

It was one year ago today that I got that horrible phone call.  I know exactly where I was as if it had just happened.  I'll never forget it.  I was at the mall with Corben & Carlie walking down the aisle in JC Penney's.  I answered the phone and it was Chad.  He informed me that Chandler had been in an accident.  He didn't know details, just that he was being taken to the hospital on an ambulance.  Of course, a little later, we found out that he was being airlifted.  When I received that phone call, my heart just sank.  Naturally, my mind started to wonder what was wrong with him.  How bad was he?  Maybe he just had some broken bones.  Little did I know that on that day our lives would be changed forever. 

Today, we had some friends who wanted to do something with us to celebrate Chandler.  Chandler had and still has some amazing friends.  The neat thing is that Chandler's friends have parents who are our friends.  So, some of Chandler's closest friends and their families met us at the grave today.  When we got there, we all waited together in the parking lot until everyone showed up.  They brought some balloons and we wrote notes on them.  Then, we all walked over to Chandler's grave.  I had brought a picture of Chandler with me so I placed it on the grave so that we would all be able to look at him.  We started out by letting those that were interested share some things about Chandler; things they loved about him or remembered.  After the sharing time, we all released our balloons together and while we released them we said together "in the hands of God."  We stood for a few minutes just watching those balloons fly off.  After that, they had the men gather around Chad, the women gathered around me, the teens were with Caleb and the younger kids were with Corben & Carlie.  Then, each group prayed for us.  Yes, even the little kids.   They were 10 years old and under.  Those young kids stood with Corben and Carlie and prayed for them.  Amazing!  The loss of Chandler hasn't just affected our family.  It has affected so many other people.  Some of those affected by it have been Chandler's friends.  So, each husband and wife couple grabbed a child who was not their own and prayed for them.  After that, we stood around a few minutes.  As I looked around at all of Chandlers/our friends standing at Chandler's grave, it just hit me how blessed we are.  We have so many great friends.  Genuine friends!  Friends who truly love our family.  These friends were willing to take some of their Sunday and spend it at the grave with us.  These are just a handful of friends who have tried their hardest to help us get through this horrible year.  And, I know that they will continue to be there for us in the days ahead.  They planned this day for us and they did an incredible job.  I really hope that Chandler felt the love today.  I know I did!  The love these families have for Chandler and the rest of our family is a huge blessing.  I am so thankful for each and every one of them. 

After visiting together at the grave, there was only one other thing we could do.  We all went to eat together and of course, it had to be Mexican!  Chandler wouldn't have it any other way!!

To the McKinney, Leet, Goad, Smith and Eanes family:  We love you!!

Chandler's Birthday

17 years ago today, my first baby was born - Curtis Chandler Coleman, Jr.  I can remember that day as if it just happened.  As soon as Chandler was born, the doctor laid him on my chest and I held him for the first time.  I'll never forget the love I felt for my sweet baby boy.  The labor was long (33 hours).  Every other time I saw my doctor after Chandler was born, he always referred to my labor and delivery as an "ordeal".  If I were to run into my doctor today, I have no doubt that he would remember us.  He was an awesome doctor!  As I've remembered back to those 33 hours of labor and the pain I experienced, I have come to realize that the pain I experienced back on Nov. 8 - 9, 1994 was nothing compared to the pain I'm dealing with now.  The pain I felt giving birth resulted in joy.  Once Chandler was born, that pain was forgotten.  I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms.  The pain I have in my heart now just lingers.  There is no joy to come at the end of today.  Chandler is not going to walk in the house tonight for me to wish him a happy birthday.  For the first time in 17 years, I didn't make him a birthday cake.  I couldn't go birthday shopping.  I can't look at pictures from his birthday last year and see how much he's grown or how much he's changed.  I have no idea what he would look like at 17.  He will forever be 16 to me because that's how old he was when he went to heaven.

I ran across the poem below a while back and thought I would include it here:

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

As we prepared for today, I struggled with what to do.  It's hard to do anything but it seems so wrong to do nothing.  I thought about making the birthday cake that Chandler always requests (chocolate cake with chocolate icing) but I knew there was no way I would get through baking a cake.  So, baking a cake was out.  Of course, we had friends take care of us.  They provided a chocolate cake with chocolate icing in honor of Chandler's birthday.  They gave it to us yesterday.  Then, today, I received a call from a local cupcake shop in the area.  My sister and her family had ordered us a dozen cupcakes and they were delivered to us.  So, we have some beautiful cupcakes to enjoy on Chandler's birthday as well.

We went to the grave today.  On our way, we stopped and bought some balloons.  I got a small one to keep there in the flower arrangement.  I also got a red heart balloon that we all wrote on and placed it at the grave as well.  Then, we all picked out our own balloon to write a note on and release at the grave.  When we got to the grave, I put some sheets out on the ground to sit on.  We sat there and wrote on our balloons.  I also took a few baby pictures of Chandler and placed on the grave while we were there just to remember back to the day when he was born and when he was so little.  We all released our balloons one at a time and just stood there and watched as each balloon flew away.  

Chad just laid in the grass for a while at the cemetery while he held onto his balloon for Chandler.  At one point he said how "surreal" this all still seems.  It's so true.  Even though, it's almost a year later, it's still so hard to believe this has happened.  We are celebrating our son's birthday at his grave.  It's so hard to comprehend even though we stand there and see his name on his memorial.  We are living every parent's nightmare!

Once again, I am amazed at the friends and family who still continue to be with us during this journey.  Even though we're approaching the end of our first year without Chandler here with us, we have so many great people who continue to lift us up in prayer, send us cards, prepare meals for us, send texts, send messages on Facebook, etc.  I wish I could express to you all how much you mean to us.  I wish I could let you all know how much you are appreciated.  I wish you all could know that y'all really are helping us through this.  But, there are no words.  I can't seem to come up with the right words to say to really express how I feel.  I am just so thankful for each and every one of you!

I'm also very thankful for the youth group at the church.  I didn't go to church tonight but I was told today that they were all going to wear blue ribbons tonight in honor of Chandler's birthday.  I also just heard that they all sang Happy Birthday to Chandler tonight as well.  I appreciate that they still remember him and that they talk about him. That is one thing I want so badly!  I want Chandler to be remembered!  The youth group meant a lot to Chandler.  He loved being there!  If he were here, he wouldn't want them to make a big deal of his birthday but I'm so thankful that in his absence, he is being remembered.  

I will confess that I failed as a mom today.  Earlier today I was trying to get us ready to leave the house.  Corben wasn't getting some work done that he needed to get done.  He had been working on it for an hour.  I was already an emotional wreck and he was frustrating me!  So, I finally let him know it.  I was crying.  He was crying.  It was horrible.  He went to his room and I went my way.  I felt horrible.  I felt like such a failure as a mom.  I'm dwelling so much on Chandler, our loss, my pain, etc. that it's hurting my other kids.  I'm hurting my other kids.  I don't want that to happen.  So, after a while, I went into his room and he was still crying.  I talked to him for a while and I apologized.  I told him I love him and we hugged. 

In the midst of the heartache, I've tried to remember things about Chandler that would make me smile.  He was so fun and he loved to laugh and there are definitely plenty of things he did that made me laugh.  So, that's why I'm including another poem here.  What it says is true but it has a little humor in it.  The last lines sound like something Chandler would say to me.

"My Mom Lies”

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies.

She never did before.

From now until the day she dies,

she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is,

and because she can't explain,

She will tell a little lie

because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

She'll say, “I'm alright”.

If that's the truth, then tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

She seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see

nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

“I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping”.

For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth

just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.

I cannot hug from here.

So If she lies to you don't listen,

hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

I'll smile and I'll be bold.

I'll say, “You're lucky to get in here, Mom,

With all the lies you told!     


So, the day is almost over.  With so many prayers going up for us, we've made it.  Of course, it's been a tiring day.  Being so emotional is tiring.  On top of that, dealing with the stress and worry of leading up to today as well as trying to get through today has given me a mild headache.  So, I'm looking forward to and hoping for a good night's sleep tonight.  Tomorrow is another day and we'll face it when it comes but getting through Chandler's birthday was a difficult one and we've made it.  Thank you Lord!  And, thank you friends and family!


My dear Chandler,


We've just celebrated your birthday without you with us.  It was so hard and so emotional.  We tried so hard to celebrate you and show you how much we love and miss you.  It's hard to know what you know there in heaven about what goes on here on earth.  But, I hope that God allowed you a little glimpse of your family today, just to remind you of how much we love you.


I am so proud and blessed to be your Mama.  God showed me so much love when he gave you, Caleb, Corben and Carlie to me.  


I hope that you have had a great birthday.  I'm pretty confident that since you're in the presence of God then this has to be the best birthday you've ever had.  It had to be perfect!  


I love you with all of my heart!!  I always will!!  Happy Birthday!


I love you,
Mom