Wednesday, September 28, 2011
A Disturbing Dream
I just don't get it! Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I woke up. This time, it was a dream that woke me up. I always want so badly to dream about Chandler. I can't have him here with us so it would be nice to at least see him in a dream. I've only had about 2 brief ones so far and neither was good. Last night was the same thing. The dream was longer but it wasn't pleasant at all. It wasn't comforting. It was very disturbing. When I woke up, I got up to go check on the kids thinking that it might help me to get my mind off of what I had just experienced in the dream. Then, I went back to bed. My mind was going crazy. I couldn't clear it. My eyes watered with tears. I was so close to just getting up and going to the other room to read or do something to distract myself for a while. But, I didn't. Instead, I laid in bed trying to think of everything I could to get my mind off of the dream so that I could go back to sleep. Of course, it was really hard to do because what I really wanted was to know "why did I have that dream?" I miss Chandler so much and it hurts so badly to not have him here with us. Then, I have this dream that is so disturbing. How is that helping me? It's NOT!! It makes me question things and wonder things that I should not be thinking about. So, after a while, I was finally able to fall asleep and get a few more hours rest before I had to get up for the day. Of course, since I've been up, my mind keeps drifting back to last night. I've cried. I've looked at Chandler's pictures. I miss him so much!! I hate that I had that dream. I don't understand it. Maybe, it's not supposed to mean anything but it was so upsetting to me that I can't help but wonder why my mind had to go there. I just hope and pray it doesn't happen again.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
10 months!
Another month has gone by without Chandler here with us. It seems like it's been so long since we've seen him. Yet, it also feels like just yesterday I walked out of the hospital, leaving him behind. It's all still so fresh in my memory. There are times when I'll be driving down the road and out of the blue my mind will start thinking of that horrible time in the hospital. I see Chandler in that hospital bed and it just kills me. There was nothing I could do to help him. A mama wants to help her children and I couldn't do that. I was in church this past Sunday morning and for some reason my mind went back to the funeral. I could see Chandler's casket down in the front of the church. I don't know why my mind went there. It just happened.
A lot of people probably think 'it's been 10 months, they should be fine now'. Until people are in the shoes we're in, they'll never know what it's like. It's hell! 10 months doesn't mean I'm better! 10 months means it has been that long since I've heard my sweet boy's voice. It's been 10 months since I've heard his wonderful, contagious laugh! It's been so long since I've seen him walk through the house, work in the yard, or play with his brothers and sister. 10 months means I miss him more and more each day. I never thought I could miss someone the way I miss him! There are days when I just want to scream. I want to cuss. I want to just run through the house and break things. Sometimes, I just want to give up. As horrible as it sounds, I've thought "what if our entire family was just involved in a car accident and we were all killed"? Then, we would all be together. I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy like that but that is the things that go through the mind of a grieving mother.
Corben and Carlie were recently watching some of Chandler's videos. They talk about him and see his pictures everywhere. It breaks my heart that they don't have their biggest brother here with them. He was so good at playing with them and including them in things. I also wish he was here for Caleb. They were close in age so it was always 'Chandler & Caleb'. It's very different to see Caleb - without Chandler. Caleb has really grown up the past year. I guess he really hasn't had a choice. Losing a sibling will change you. He makes me so proud. I would love for Chandler to be here to see Caleb as he plays and sings in the praise team in the youth group and he plays soccer and as he learns to drive. I also see the changes in Caleb as far as his looks go and how much he's growing and I would love to see that in Chandler as well.
Corben sleeps in Chandler's room now. I went in there 2 weeks ago to get some clothes out for him and got distracted by looking through Chandler's clothes. I could see him as I looked at some of the clothes, especially the ones that he wore more than others. I would hold something of his close to me wishing so badly that I was holding onto him. So, I decided to grab one of his t-shirts and wear it. I wore that t-shirt to church that night. Something was said about it and I told them it was Chandler's and then some of the youth recognized it. I was glad I wore it. It was somewhat comforting just to have something of his so close to me.
So, 10 months later, we still hurt. We still feel the loss every day. There are so many things that trigger the emotions. Caleb is playing soccer this year for the first time. The field they play on is directly in front of the hospital that Chandler was in. So, as I'm sitting there watching Caleb play, my eyes are on the hospital building, where we stood beside Chandler, holding him and praying for him. Then, there is a building to the right where the life flight helicopters are. The helicopter that Chandler was brought in on. The other night, we heard the engine running but it never took off. At the entrance of the parking lot, there is a Life Net sign. These are the people that we donated Chandler's organs through. Apparently, their office is in the building we park behind. So, at Caleb's first game the other night, I was quite overwhelmed with all this being right there. I mean when I drive down the highway that takes you past the hospital, I won't even look over that way. I just get this sick feeling come over me. Now, I'm having to stare right at it as I watch a soccer game. But, I'm thankful that while Caleb is playing, I can focus on him and it distracts me from the stuff around me for a while. I love watching Caleb play. He's passionate and very energetic and it's exciting to watch him. I am a very proud mama. I have been blessed with wonderful children!
I love you Chandler! I always will!! Forever, Your Mama
A lot of people probably think 'it's been 10 months, they should be fine now'. Until people are in the shoes we're in, they'll never know what it's like. It's hell! 10 months doesn't mean I'm better! 10 months means it has been that long since I've heard my sweet boy's voice. It's been 10 months since I've heard his wonderful, contagious laugh! It's been so long since I've seen him walk through the house, work in the yard, or play with his brothers and sister. 10 months means I miss him more and more each day. I never thought I could miss someone the way I miss him! There are days when I just want to scream. I want to cuss. I want to just run through the house and break things. Sometimes, I just want to give up. As horrible as it sounds, I've thought "what if our entire family was just involved in a car accident and we were all killed"? Then, we would all be together. I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy like that but that is the things that go through the mind of a grieving mother.
Corben and Carlie were recently watching some of Chandler's videos. They talk about him and see his pictures everywhere. It breaks my heart that they don't have their biggest brother here with them. He was so good at playing with them and including them in things. I also wish he was here for Caleb. They were close in age so it was always 'Chandler & Caleb'. It's very different to see Caleb - without Chandler. Caleb has really grown up the past year. I guess he really hasn't had a choice. Losing a sibling will change you. He makes me so proud. I would love for Chandler to be here to see Caleb as he plays and sings in the praise team in the youth group and he plays soccer and as he learns to drive. I also see the changes in Caleb as far as his looks go and how much he's growing and I would love to see that in Chandler as well.
Corben sleeps in Chandler's room now. I went in there 2 weeks ago to get some clothes out for him and got distracted by looking through Chandler's clothes. I could see him as I looked at some of the clothes, especially the ones that he wore more than others. I would hold something of his close to me wishing so badly that I was holding onto him. So, I decided to grab one of his t-shirts and wear it. I wore that t-shirt to church that night. Something was said about it and I told them it was Chandler's and then some of the youth recognized it. I was glad I wore it. It was somewhat comforting just to have something of his so close to me.
So, 10 months later, we still hurt. We still feel the loss every day. There are so many things that trigger the emotions. Caleb is playing soccer this year for the first time. The field they play on is directly in front of the hospital that Chandler was in. So, as I'm sitting there watching Caleb play, my eyes are on the hospital building, where we stood beside Chandler, holding him and praying for him. Then, there is a building to the right where the life flight helicopters are. The helicopter that Chandler was brought in on. The other night, we heard the engine running but it never took off. At the entrance of the parking lot, there is a Life Net sign. These are the people that we donated Chandler's organs through. Apparently, their office is in the building we park behind. So, at Caleb's first game the other night, I was quite overwhelmed with all this being right there. I mean when I drive down the highway that takes you past the hospital, I won't even look over that way. I just get this sick feeling come over me. Now, I'm having to stare right at it as I watch a soccer game. But, I'm thankful that while Caleb is playing, I can focus on him and it distracts me from the stuff around me for a while. I love watching Caleb play. He's passionate and very energetic and it's exciting to watch him. I am a very proud mama. I have been blessed with wonderful children!
I love you Chandler! I always will!! Forever, Your Mama
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Chandler's laugh
This weekend, Corben and Carlie ran across a voice recorder that belongs to their dad. All of the kids used to play with it a lot. They would record things and listen to it. They put new batteries in it this weekend and started playing around with it. When I saw that they had it, I asked them if they had heard any old stuff on it. I knew it was possible that there was stuff on it from Chandler. They said there was nothing else on it. So, they played with it all day yesterday and never heard anything on it except what they had been recording and playing back. This morning, we were getting ready for our co-op group when they were listening to something on it. One of them brought it to me and asked "who is this?" It was Chandler! He was talking and then I heard his laugh! The laugh got to me! I miss his laughter so much! It was so sweet to hear yet it was heartbreaking. If I heard his laughter among a million others, I would be able to pick it out. So, when I heard that laugh this morning, I just cried. I was so happy to be able to hear it. Then, tonight, Carlie was listening to stuff on the recorder again. I walked by her and heard something and it sounded familiar. I took it from her and put it up to my ear. It was Chandler's voice. Apparently he had written a story one time and he read the entire story on the recorder. The story is funny and it's definitely an original writing by Chandler. It's pretty long so I just sat for a while listening to his voice and his laughter. It was wonderful. What a treasure to have!
Chandler,
I am so thankful for your humor. I'm so glad that you loved to laugh so much. Your laughter puts a smile on my face. Your laughter is contagious. I'm glad you liked to write funny stories. I'm so glad that you sat in your room one day and read aloud one of your stories while playing around on the voice recorder. I don't know why you did it and I don't know why it never got deleted all of those other times y'all played on that recorder. I do know that I am so thankful to have it now. I'm thankful that today I was able to hear your voice and your amazing laughter! Of course, I wish so badly that you were here with us and I could hear you in person. But, I'm truly thankful for this gift today. I will cherish it forever. We all miss you so much! Our hearts still hurt and I know they always will. You are a part of us and we feel so broken without you. You were and always will be a wonderful son and the best big brother!
I love you so much,
Always your Mom
Chandler,
I am so thankful for your humor. I'm so glad that you loved to laugh so much. Your laughter puts a smile on my face. Your laughter is contagious. I'm glad you liked to write funny stories. I'm so glad that you sat in your room one day and read aloud one of your stories while playing around on the voice recorder. I don't know why you did it and I don't know why it never got deleted all of those other times y'all played on that recorder. I do know that I am so thankful to have it now. I'm thankful that today I was able to hear your voice and your amazing laughter! Of course, I wish so badly that you were here with us and I could hear you in person. But, I'm truly thankful for this gift today. I will cherish it forever. We all miss you so much! Our hearts still hurt and I know they always will. You are a part of us and we feel so broken without you. You were and always will be a wonderful son and the best big brother!
I love you so much,
Always your Mom
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