Anger

The easiest part of the day for me is at night - when I'm asleep.  When I'm asleep, I don't feel the pain of my broken heart.  My body and mind can get some rest.  Of course, sometimes it takes a while for me to get to sleep because as soon as I lay my head on the pillow, my mind usually wants to take me places I don't need to go.  When I laid my head on my pillow two nights ago, I had this feeling come over me so quickly.  It was anger.  What was I angry at?  I realized laying right there that I was angry at God.  I hear of so many stories where people have had head injuries due to accidents and they are alive to tell about it.  Those stories are great to hear and I'm happy for them but it makes me wonder why God didn't save Chandler.  God could have done something.  He could have opened Chandler's eyes.  He could have allowed him to breathe on his own.  It could have been so easy for God to heal Chandler.  But, He didn't.  That's what makes me angry at Him.  So, all of these thoughts were going through my mind when I really wanted to go to sleep.  The good thing is that I had taken some medicine to help me sleep that night so I didn't lay there and think for too long.  But, the next morning the feelings were still there.  When I went to my room to fold baskets of laundry, I just began to weep.  I cried the entire time I was working on laundry.  I talked to God and told Him how I felt about what He did to our family.  He blessed us with Chandler.  He gave Chandler to us 16 1/2 years ago and then He just took him back.  I just don't see the good in that.  I never will see the good in it - at least not this side of heaven. 

Last night, Chad and I went out to dinner.  I had told him earlier in the day what I was dealing with.  So, we talked about it.  He tried to help by sharing some things with me.  It still bothers me that God didn't work a miracle with Chandler.  It bothers me that our family is broken and will never be the same.  I'm still trying to work through these feelings.  A part of me wanted to try and ignore these feelings I had toward God.  But, He knows everything.  I can't hide it.  So, I've admitted to Him that I don't like what He did.  I'm disappointed.  I'm hurt.  I'm angry that He didn't do what we needed Him to do and that is to heal our son/brother. 

Chad asked me last night if God had spoken to me about this issue.  I told him "no".  God hasn't given me any answers yet.  He hasn't spoken to me or led me to any particular scripture yet to make me feel better. 

But, this morning's devotion was was very applicable.  The timing of today's devotion is certainly God's timing and it's a step in the right direction.  So, even though God knows I'm dealing with some frustration and anger towards Him right now, I know He still loves me.  He's going to get me through this. 

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

     What a tremendous claim Paul makes in this verse!  He does not say, "We know that in some things," "most" things, or even "joyful things" But "ALL things."  This promise spans from the very smallest detail of life to the most important, and from the most humbling of daily tasks to God's greatest works of grace performed during a crisis.
     Paul states this in the present tense: "God works."  He does not say, "worked" or "will work."  It is a continuing operation.
     We also know from Scripture that God's "justice [is] like the great deep" (Ps. 36:6); at this very moment the angels in heaven, as they watch with folded wings the development of God's great plan, are undoubtedly proclaiming, "The Lord is righteous in all  his ways and loving toward all he has made" (Ps. 145:17).
     Then when God orchestrates "all things . . . for the good," it is a beautiful blending.  He requires many different colors, which individually may be quite drab, to weave into the harmonious pattern.
     Separate tones, notes, and even discords are required to compose melodious musical anthems; a piece of machinery requires many separate wheels, parts, and connections.  One part from a machine may be useless, or one note from an anthem may never be considered beautiful, but taken together, combined, and completed, they lead to perfect balance and harmony.
     We can learn a lesson of faith from this: "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand"  (John 13:7). J. R. Macduff
     In a thousand trials, it is not just five hundred of them that work "for the good" of the believer, but nine hundred and ninety-nine plus one.  George Mueller

God Meant It unto Good (Gen. 50:20 KJV)

"God meant it unto good" - O blest assurance,
   Falling like sunshine all across life's way,
Touching with Heaven's gold, earth's darkest storm clouds,
   Bringing fresh peace and comfort day by day.

'Twas not by chance the hands of faithless brothers
   Sold Joseph captive to a foreign land;
Nor was it chance that, after years of suffering,
   Brought him before the pharaoh's throne to stand.

One Eye all-seeing saw the need of thousands,
   And planned to meet it through that one lone soul;
And through the weary days of prison bondage
  Was working toward the great and glorious goal.

As yet the end was hidden from the captive,
   The iron entered even to his soul;
His eye could scan the present path of sorrow,
   Not yet his gave might rest upon the whole.

Faith failed not through those long, dark days of waiting,
   His trust in God was reimbursed at last,
The moment came when God led forth his servant
   To comfort many, all his sufferings past.

"It was not you but God, that led me to here,"
   Witnessed triumphant faith in later days;
"God meant it unto good," no other reason
   Mingled their discord with his song of praise.

"God means it unto good" for you, beloved,
   The God of Joseph is the same today;
His love permits afflictions strange and bitter,
   His hand is guiding the unknown way.

Your Lord, who sees the end from the beginning,
   Has purposes for you of love untold.
Then place your hand in His and follow fearless,
   Till you the riches of His grace behold.  

There, when you stand firm in the Home of Glory,
   And all life's path lies open to your gaze,
Your eyes will SEE the hand that you're now trusting,
   And magnify His love through endless days. 
                                           Freda Hanbury Allen



I don't understand how "God means it unto good" with Chandler's death.  I won't know until I stand in the "Home of Glory."  That's one of the things that is so difficult these days - dealing with the "time".  The time that we have to endure here on earth.   The time that we have to wait out until we can reach heaven and "SEE" God's "glorious goal".  The time that we have to face here not knowing why God did what He did.  The time that we have to face each day when we miss Chandler so much.