7 months

Once again, we've been slapped in the face with "time".  Chandler has been in heaven for 7 months already.  Yesterday and today have taken me back to the days of Chandler's accident and the day that the worst thing ever imaginable happened to our family --  our son was pronounced brain dead.  It's hard to go back to those days.  It's still so fresh that my mind can see things as if it happened today.  Sometimes, it's hard to comprehend what has happened to our family.  There are times when it just feels like it's all a terrible nightmare.  But, when we face these days each month, I realize, it's all real.  It really happened.  Chandler has been gone for 7 months!  7 months!  Each day I face is still so hard.  My heart still aches!  But, the anniversary dates seem to be even harder.  When I went to bed Sunday night, I prayed for God to please help me through the next two days.  I asked Him to please help me to feel His love.  But, I wasn't expecting it.  Because I've been dealing with some anger towards God lately, I didn't think I was deserving of anything from Him.  But, I will say that God is good.  He's gotten me through yesterday and today.  As a matter of fact, my devotion yesterday morning was about God's peace.  So, when I read that, I knew that God was going to get me through these days.

Today was a busy day.  It started early.  I didn't have much down time so because of that, it made the day a little easier.  I had lunch plans with a special friend.  I had to take the little ones with me today so we chose to meet at a child friendly place - Chik Fil A.  As soon as the kids and I parked, we saw another vehicle that we recognized.  It was some friends of ours from church.  The kids were so excited to run into their friends.  My friend showed up that I was meeting for lunch and we all sat together.  Toward the end of our lunch, a good friend of mine walked in with her kids.  So, she ordered food and came over to sit with the rest of us.  My plans today were to meet one friend for lunch and I ended up meeting a lot of people.  It wasn't because of anything that any of us had planned.  God planned it all.  To have so many people there helped to distract me for a little while.  Chad even walked in a visited for a while.

After lunch I was planning to go to the cemetery.  Chad wanted to go but wasn't able to.  So, our friends, Connie and Anna said they would go with me and the little ones.  We all rode out together.  When we got there, I had some new flowers to change around.  There were some personal crafts that we had made that were in the old flowers and they were still in good shape.  Corben and Carlie asked if they could put them with the new arrangement.  So, we did.  It's still such a surreal feeling to be there at the cemetery.  To stand there over my son's grave is the worst feeling ever.  No parent ever wants to be in the position we're in.  It seems so wrong.  No one can ever prepare themselves for something like this.  Thank you Connie and Anna for going with us today.  I'm glad you were there with us.  We love you!

Soon after we got home today, Corben and Carlie heard their friends outside playing and asked if they could go to their house for a while.  They walked over to their friends' house and I sat in my room in the quiet for a while and cried.  I was looking through some pictures of Chandler and they just made me miss him even more.  I saw him in the pictures and he's so happy and having such a good time with his friends.  He's so alive in those pictures, playing football and laughing with friends.  Then I think about now.  He's not here with us.  His life here on earth is over.  He lives now in heaven.  That's a good thing.  But, oh how I wish he were still here.  He is missed so much.  When I see Caleb, Corben and Carlie together, my heart just aches.  They were all out in the pool yesterday playing around together.  I stood in the house watching them through the window.  I wanted Chandler to be out there playing with them.  There should be 4 of them!

So, once again, we've made it through 2 more difficult days.  I'll take tomorrow as it comes and pray that God will get me through another day.  A day at a time.  It's all I can do.

Thank you Lord for being there for me yesterday and today.  Thank you for giving me peace in the midst of this terrible storm.  Thank you that I can have peace knowing Chandler is in your presence.  Thank you for loving me when I'm so undeserving.  I pray now that you'll allow me to be able to rest tonight.  Amen.

My peace I give you. (John 14:27)

     Two painters were once asked to paint a picture illustrating his own idea of rest.  The first chose for his scene a quiet, lonely lake, nestled among mountains far away.  The second, using swift, broad strokes on his canvas, painted a thundering waterfall.  Beneath the falls grew a fragile birch tree, bending over the foam.  On its branches, nearly wet with the spray from the falls, sat a robin on its nest.
     The first painting was simply a picture of stagnation and inactivity.  The second, however, depicted rest.
    
     Anyone could have gone to Him at any time and found rest.  Even as the human bloodhounds were dogging Him in the streets of Jerusalem, He turned to His disciples, offering them a final legacy: "My peace."
     Rest is not some holy feeling that comes upon us in church.  It is a state of calm rising from a heart deeply and firmly established in God. Henry Drummond

My peace I give in times of deepest grief,
Imparting calm and trust and My relief.

My peace I give when prayer seems lost, unheard;
Know that My promises are ever in My Word.

My peace I give when you are left alone - 
The nightingale at night has sweetest tone.


My peace I give in times of utter loss,
The way of glory leads right to the cross.


My peace I give when enemies will blame, 
Your fellowship is sweet through cruel shame.


My peace I give in agony and sweat,
For My own brow with bloody drops was wet.


My peace I give when nearest friend betrays-
Peace that is merged in love, and for them prays.


My peace I give when there's but death for thee -
The gateway is the cross to get to Me.           L. S. P.





I was going to end with the above devotion but while I was typing it out, I heard a song playing on the TV.  The fact that it played right now was definitely a God nod for me.  The time was just too perfect.  So, here's the song that was playing:

"You are Everything"   by: Kutless

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need you
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need