This morning Chad and Caleb left for a youth mission trip. They left for Norfolk, VA to work for World Changers. Chandler and Caleb have been on these trips the last 3 years and they love it. They would come home from the mission trips looking forward to the next year. They always complained that the trips weren't long enough. I was always amazed that they loved it so much. I mean, it's a week of work. They work on homes in the hot summer temperatures. They get up early in the mornings and go to the job sites and labor in the heat.
This morning was hard on me. I watched Chad and Caleb walk out to the truck to leave and Chandler wasn't with him. My plan was to go back to bed after they left. But, when my head hit the pillow, the tears started to fall. I just laid there and cried for a while; missing Chandler and knowing that he would love to be leaving on this youth trip. Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to go ahead and get up. Corben and Carlie were still sleeping so I was able to have some quiet time and just let the tears flow. I know that heaven can't compare to a World Changers mission trip but it still breaks my heart that Chandler wasn't leaving with them this morning.
On a different note: I have been praying for a 14 year old boy for the past several days that was in a horrible accident. I found out this evening that he passed away. So, I've been in tears tonight over a family that I don't even know. But, I know the pain that they are feeling. I pray that the family has as many prayers going up for them to get them through each day as I have had and continue to have.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Raining blessings
Wow! My devotion was meant for me this morning. Tears just fell as I read it. Raining blessings. Seriously? Is there any blessing in this mess we're in? I don't see it. I don't see the fruit in all of this. I don't see beautiful flowers springing up in my life. I only see the rain: a hard, pouring rain that I can't see through. The kind of rain where you have to pull off of the side of the road because you have no way to see through it in order to go through it. I am thankful that the Lord sees through the horrible storm. He knows what will come after it. I just have to trust Him in that.
God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering. (Genesis 41:52)
A poet stands by the window watching a summer shower. It is a fierce downpour, beating and pounding the earth. But the poet, in his mind's eye, sees more than a rain shower falling. He sees a myriad of lovely flowers raining down, soon breaking forth from the freshly watered earth, and filling it with their matchless beauty and fragrance. And so he sings:
It isn't raining rain to me - it's raining daffodils;
In every dripping drop I see wildflowers upon the hills.
A cloud of gray engulfs the day, and overwhelms the town;
It isn't raining rain to me - it's raining roses down.
Perhaps you are undergoing some trial as God's child, and you are saying to Him, "O God, it is raining very hard on me tonight, and this test seems beyond my power to endure. Disappointments are pouring in, washing away and utterly defeating my chosen plans. My trembling heart is grieved and is cowering at the intensity of my suffering. Surely the rains of affliction are beating down upon my soul."
Dear friend, you are completely mistaken. God is not raining rain on you - He is raining blessings. If you will only believe your Father's Word, you will realize that springing up beneath the pounding rain are spiritual flowers. And they are more beautiful and fragrant than those that ever grew before in your stormless and suffering-free life.
You can see the rain, but can you also see the flowers? You are suffering through these tests, but know that God sees sweet flowers of faith springing up in your life beneath these very trials. You try to escape the pain, yet God sees tender compassion for other sufferers finding birth in your soul. Your heart winces at the pain of heavy grief, but God sees the sorrow deepening and enriching your life.
No, my friend, it is not raining afflictions on you. It is raining tenderness, love, compassion, patience, and a thousand other flowers and fruits of the blessed Holy Spirit. And they are bringing to your life spiritual enrichment that all the prosperity and ease of this world could never produce in your innermost being. J.M.M.
Songs across the Storm
A harp stood in the calm, still air,
Where showers of sunshine washed a thousand fragrant blooms;
A traveler bowed with loads of care
Struggled from morning till the dusk of evening glooms
To strum sweet sounds from the songless strings;
The pilgrim strives in vain with each unanswering chord
Until the tempest's thunder sings,
And, moving on the storm, the fingers of the Lord
A wondrous melody awakes;
And though the battling winds their soldier deeds perform,
Their trumpet-sound brave music makes
While God's assuring voice sings love across the storm.
God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering. (Genesis 41:52)
A poet stands by the window watching a summer shower. It is a fierce downpour, beating and pounding the earth. But the poet, in his mind's eye, sees more than a rain shower falling. He sees a myriad of lovely flowers raining down, soon breaking forth from the freshly watered earth, and filling it with their matchless beauty and fragrance. And so he sings:
It isn't raining rain to me - it's raining daffodils;
In every dripping drop I see wildflowers upon the hills.
A cloud of gray engulfs the day, and overwhelms the town;
It isn't raining rain to me - it's raining roses down.
Perhaps you are undergoing some trial as God's child, and you are saying to Him, "O God, it is raining very hard on me tonight, and this test seems beyond my power to endure. Disappointments are pouring in, washing away and utterly defeating my chosen plans. My trembling heart is grieved and is cowering at the intensity of my suffering. Surely the rains of affliction are beating down upon my soul."
Dear friend, you are completely mistaken. God is not raining rain on you - He is raining blessings. If you will only believe your Father's Word, you will realize that springing up beneath the pounding rain are spiritual flowers. And they are more beautiful and fragrant than those that ever grew before in your stormless and suffering-free life.
You can see the rain, but can you also see the flowers? You are suffering through these tests, but know that God sees sweet flowers of faith springing up in your life beneath these very trials. You try to escape the pain, yet God sees tender compassion for other sufferers finding birth in your soul. Your heart winces at the pain of heavy grief, but God sees the sorrow deepening and enriching your life.
No, my friend, it is not raining afflictions on you. It is raining tenderness, love, compassion, patience, and a thousand other flowers and fruits of the blessed Holy Spirit. And they are bringing to your life spiritual enrichment that all the prosperity and ease of this world could never produce in your innermost being. J.M.M.
Songs across the Storm
A harp stood in the calm, still air,
Where showers of sunshine washed a thousand fragrant blooms;
A traveler bowed with loads of care
Struggled from morning till the dusk of evening glooms
To strum sweet sounds from the songless strings;
The pilgrim strives in vain with each unanswering chord
Until the tempest's thunder sings,
And, moving on the storm, the fingers of the Lord
A wondrous melody awakes;
And though the battling winds their soldier deeds perform,
Their trumpet-sound brave music makes
While God's assuring voice sings love across the storm.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
7 months
Once again, we've been slapped in the face with "time". Chandler has been in heaven for 7 months already. Yesterday and today have taken me back to the days of Chandler's accident and the day that the worst thing ever imaginable happened to our family -- our son was pronounced brain dead. It's hard to go back to those days. It's still so fresh that my mind can see things as if it happened today. Sometimes, it's hard to comprehend what has happened to our family. There are times when it just feels like it's all a terrible nightmare. But, when we face these days each month, I realize, it's all real. It really happened. Chandler has been gone for 7 months! 7 months! Each day I face is still so hard. My heart still aches! But, the anniversary dates seem to be even harder. When I went to bed Sunday night, I prayed for God to please help me through the next two days. I asked Him to please help me to feel His love. But, I wasn't expecting it. Because I've been dealing with some anger towards God lately, I didn't think I was deserving of anything from Him. But, I will say that God is good. He's gotten me through yesterday and today. As a matter of fact, my devotion yesterday morning was about God's peace. So, when I read that, I knew that God was going to get me through these days.
Today was a busy day. It started early. I didn't have much down time so because of that, it made the day a little easier. I had lunch plans with a special friend. I had to take the little ones with me today so we chose to meet at a child friendly place - Chik Fil A. As soon as the kids and I parked, we saw another vehicle that we recognized. It was some friends of ours from church. The kids were so excited to run into their friends. My friend showed up that I was meeting for lunch and we all sat together. Toward the end of our lunch, a good friend of mine walked in with her kids. So, she ordered food and came over to sit with the rest of us. My plans today were to meet one friend for lunch and I ended up meeting a lot of people. It wasn't because of anything that any of us had planned. God planned it all. To have so many people there helped to distract me for a little while. Chad even walked in a visited for a while.
After lunch I was planning to go to the cemetery. Chad wanted to go but wasn't able to. So, our friends, Connie and Anna said they would go with me and the little ones. We all rode out together. When we got there, I had some new flowers to change around. There were some personal crafts that we had made that were in the old flowers and they were still in good shape. Corben and Carlie asked if they could put them with the new arrangement. So, we did. It's still such a surreal feeling to be there at the cemetery. To stand there over my son's grave is the worst feeling ever. No parent ever wants to be in the position we're in. It seems so wrong. No one can ever prepare themselves for something like this. Thank you Connie and Anna for going with us today. I'm glad you were there with us. We love you!
Soon after we got home today, Corben and Carlie heard their friends outside playing and asked if they could go to their house for a while. They walked over to their friends' house and I sat in my room in the quiet for a while and cried. I was looking through some pictures of Chandler and they just made me miss him even more. I saw him in the pictures and he's so happy and having such a good time with his friends. He's so alive in those pictures, playing football and laughing with friends. Then I think about now. He's not here with us. His life here on earth is over. He lives now in heaven. That's a good thing. But, oh how I wish he were still here. He is missed so much. When I see Caleb, Corben and Carlie together, my heart just aches. They were all out in the pool yesterday playing around together. I stood in the house watching them through the window. I wanted Chandler to be out there playing with them. There should be 4 of them!
So, once again, we've made it through 2 more difficult days. I'll take tomorrow as it comes and pray that God will get me through another day. A day at a time. It's all I can do.
Thank you Lord for being there for me yesterday and today. Thank you for giving me peace in the midst of this terrible storm. Thank you that I can have peace knowing Chandler is in your presence. Thank you for loving me when I'm so undeserving. I pray now that you'll allow me to be able to rest tonight. Amen.
My peace I give you. (John 14:27)
Two painters were once asked to paint a picture illustrating his own idea of rest. The first chose for his scene a quiet, lonely lake, nestled among mountains far away. The second, using swift, broad strokes on his canvas, painted a thundering waterfall. Beneath the falls grew a fragile birch tree, bending over the foam. On its branches, nearly wet with the spray from the falls, sat a robin on its nest.
The first painting was simply a picture of stagnation and inactivity. The second, however, depicted rest.
Anyone could have gone to Him at any time and found rest. Even as the human bloodhounds were dogging Him in the streets of Jerusalem, He turned to His disciples, offering them a final legacy: "My peace."
Rest is not some holy feeling that comes upon us in church. It is a state of calm rising from a heart deeply and firmly established in God. Henry Drummond
My peace I give in times of deepest grief,
Imparting calm and trust and My relief.
My peace I give when prayer seems lost, unheard;
Know that My promises are ever in My Word.
My peace I give when you are left alone -
The nightingale at night has sweetest tone.
My peace I give in times of utter loss,
The way of glory leads right to the cross.
My peace I give when enemies will blame,
Your fellowship is sweet through cruel shame.
My peace I give in agony and sweat,
For My own brow with bloody drops was wet.
My peace I give when nearest friend betrays-
Peace that is merged in love, and for them prays.
My peace I give when there's but death for thee -
The gateway is the cross to get to Me. L. S. P.
I was going to end with the above devotion but while I was typing it out, I heard a song playing on the TV. The fact that it played right now was definitely a God nod for me. The time was just too perfect. So, here's the song that was playing:
"You are Everything" by: Kutless
When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb
You carry me, Jesus carry me
You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need
When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me
You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need
I need you
You are everything I need
I love everything about You
You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need
Today was a busy day. It started early. I didn't have much down time so because of that, it made the day a little easier. I had lunch plans with a special friend. I had to take the little ones with me today so we chose to meet at a child friendly place - Chik Fil A. As soon as the kids and I parked, we saw another vehicle that we recognized. It was some friends of ours from church. The kids were so excited to run into their friends. My friend showed up that I was meeting for lunch and we all sat together. Toward the end of our lunch, a good friend of mine walked in with her kids. So, she ordered food and came over to sit with the rest of us. My plans today were to meet one friend for lunch and I ended up meeting a lot of people. It wasn't because of anything that any of us had planned. God planned it all. To have so many people there helped to distract me for a little while. Chad even walked in a visited for a while.
After lunch I was planning to go to the cemetery. Chad wanted to go but wasn't able to. So, our friends, Connie and Anna said they would go with me and the little ones. We all rode out together. When we got there, I had some new flowers to change around. There were some personal crafts that we had made that were in the old flowers and they were still in good shape. Corben and Carlie asked if they could put them with the new arrangement. So, we did. It's still such a surreal feeling to be there at the cemetery. To stand there over my son's grave is the worst feeling ever. No parent ever wants to be in the position we're in. It seems so wrong. No one can ever prepare themselves for something like this. Thank you Connie and Anna for going with us today. I'm glad you were there with us. We love you!
Soon after we got home today, Corben and Carlie heard their friends outside playing and asked if they could go to their house for a while. They walked over to their friends' house and I sat in my room in the quiet for a while and cried. I was looking through some pictures of Chandler and they just made me miss him even more. I saw him in the pictures and he's so happy and having such a good time with his friends. He's so alive in those pictures, playing football and laughing with friends. Then I think about now. He's not here with us. His life here on earth is over. He lives now in heaven. That's a good thing. But, oh how I wish he were still here. He is missed so much. When I see Caleb, Corben and Carlie together, my heart just aches. They were all out in the pool yesterday playing around together. I stood in the house watching them through the window. I wanted Chandler to be out there playing with them. There should be 4 of them!
So, once again, we've made it through 2 more difficult days. I'll take tomorrow as it comes and pray that God will get me through another day. A day at a time. It's all I can do.
Thank you Lord for being there for me yesterday and today. Thank you for giving me peace in the midst of this terrible storm. Thank you that I can have peace knowing Chandler is in your presence. Thank you for loving me when I'm so undeserving. I pray now that you'll allow me to be able to rest tonight. Amen.
My peace I give you. (John 14:27)
Two painters were once asked to paint a picture illustrating his own idea of rest. The first chose for his scene a quiet, lonely lake, nestled among mountains far away. The second, using swift, broad strokes on his canvas, painted a thundering waterfall. Beneath the falls grew a fragile birch tree, bending over the foam. On its branches, nearly wet with the spray from the falls, sat a robin on its nest.
The first painting was simply a picture of stagnation and inactivity. The second, however, depicted rest.
Anyone could have gone to Him at any time and found rest. Even as the human bloodhounds were dogging Him in the streets of Jerusalem, He turned to His disciples, offering them a final legacy: "My peace."
Rest is not some holy feeling that comes upon us in church. It is a state of calm rising from a heart deeply and firmly established in God. Henry Drummond
My peace I give in times of deepest grief,
Imparting calm and trust and My relief.
My peace I give when prayer seems lost, unheard;
Know that My promises are ever in My Word.
My peace I give when you are left alone -
The nightingale at night has sweetest tone.
My peace I give in times of utter loss,
The way of glory leads right to the cross.
My peace I give when enemies will blame,
Your fellowship is sweet through cruel shame.
My peace I give in agony and sweat,
For My own brow with bloody drops was wet.
My peace I give when nearest friend betrays-
Peace that is merged in love, and for them prays.
My peace I give when there's but death for thee -
The gateway is the cross to get to Me. L. S. P.
I was going to end with the above devotion but while I was typing it out, I heard a song playing on the TV. The fact that it played right now was definitely a God nod for me. The time was just too perfect. So, here's the song that was playing:
"You are Everything" by: Kutless
When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb
You carry me, Jesus carry me
You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need
When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me
You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need
I need you
You are everything I need
I love everything about You
You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need
Friday, June 10, 2011
Anger
The easiest part of the day for me is at night - when I'm asleep. When I'm asleep, I don't feel the pain of my broken heart. My body and mind can get some rest. Of course, sometimes it takes a while for me to get to sleep because as soon as I lay my head on the pillow, my mind usually wants to take me places I don't need to go. When I laid my head on my pillow two nights ago, I had this feeling come over me so quickly. It was anger. What was I angry at? I realized laying right there that I was angry at God. I hear of so many stories where people have had head injuries due to accidents and they are alive to tell about it. Those stories are great to hear and I'm happy for them but it makes me wonder why God didn't save Chandler. God could have done something. He could have opened Chandler's eyes. He could have allowed him to breathe on his own. It could have been so easy for God to heal Chandler. But, He didn't. That's what makes me angry at Him. So, all of these thoughts were going through my mind when I really wanted to go to sleep. The good thing is that I had taken some medicine to help me sleep that night so I didn't lay there and think for too long. But, the next morning the feelings were still there. When I went to my room to fold baskets of laundry, I just began to weep. I cried the entire time I was working on laundry. I talked to God and told Him how I felt about what He did to our family. He blessed us with Chandler. He gave Chandler to us 16 1/2 years ago and then He just took him back. I just don't see the good in that. I never will see the good in it - at least not this side of heaven.
Last night, Chad and I went out to dinner. I had told him earlier in the day what I was dealing with. So, we talked about it. He tried to help by sharing some things with me. It still bothers me that God didn't work a miracle with Chandler. It bothers me that our family is broken and will never be the same. I'm still trying to work through these feelings. A part of me wanted to try and ignore these feelings I had toward God. But, He knows everything. I can't hide it. So, I've admitted to Him that I don't like what He did. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I'm angry that He didn't do what we needed Him to do and that is to heal our son/brother.
Chad asked me last night if God had spoken to me about this issue. I told him "no". God hasn't given me any answers yet. He hasn't spoken to me or led me to any particular scripture yet to make me feel better.
But, this morning's devotion was was very applicable. The timing of today's devotion is certainly God's timing and it's a step in the right direction. So, even though God knows I'm dealing with some frustration and anger towards Him right now, I know He still loves me. He's going to get me through this.
We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
What a tremendous claim Paul makes in this verse! He does not say, "We know that in some things," "most" things, or even "joyful things" But "ALL things." This promise spans from the very smallest detail of life to the most important, and from the most humbling of daily tasks to God's greatest works of grace performed during a crisis.
Paul states this in the present tense: "God works." He does not say, "worked" or "will work." It is a continuing operation.
We also know from Scripture that God's "justice [is] like the great deep" (Ps. 36:6); at this very moment the angels in heaven, as they watch with folded wings the development of God's great plan, are undoubtedly proclaiming, "The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made" (Ps. 145:17).
Then when God orchestrates "all things . . . for the good," it is a beautiful blending. He requires many different colors, which individually may be quite drab, to weave into the harmonious pattern.
Separate tones, notes, and even discords are required to compose melodious musical anthems; a piece of machinery requires many separate wheels, parts, and connections. One part from a machine may be useless, or one note from an anthem may never be considered beautiful, but taken together, combined, and completed, they lead to perfect balance and harmony.
We can learn a lesson of faith from this: "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand" (John 13:7). J. R. Macduff
In a thousand trials, it is not just five hundred of them that work "for the good" of the believer, but nine hundred and ninety-nine plus one. George Mueller
God Meant It unto Good (Gen. 50:20 KJV)
"God meant it unto good" - O blest assurance,
Falling like sunshine all across life's way,
Touching with Heaven's gold, earth's darkest storm clouds,
Bringing fresh peace and comfort day by day.
'Twas not by chance the hands of faithless brothers
Sold Joseph captive to a foreign land;
Nor was it chance that, after years of suffering,
Brought him before the pharaoh's throne to stand.
One Eye all-seeing saw the need of thousands,
And planned to meet it through that one lone soul;
And through the weary days of prison bondage
Was working toward the great and glorious goal.
As yet the end was hidden from the captive,
The iron entered even to his soul;
His eye could scan the present path of sorrow,
Not yet his gave might rest upon the whole.
Faith failed not through those long, dark days of waiting,
His trust in God was reimbursed at last,
The moment came when God led forth his servant
To comfort many, all his sufferings past.
"It was not you but God, that led me to here,"
Witnessed triumphant faith in later days;
"God meant it unto good," no other reason
Mingled their discord with his song of praise.
"God means it unto good" for you, beloved,
The God of Joseph is the same today;
His love permits afflictions strange and bitter,
His hand is guiding the unknown way.
Your Lord, who sees the end from the beginning,
Has purposes for you of love untold.
Then place your hand in His and follow fearless,
Till you the riches of His grace behold.
There, when you stand firm in the Home of Glory,
And all life's path lies open to your gaze,
Your eyes will SEE the hand that you're now trusting,
And magnify His love through endless days.
Freda Hanbury Allen
I don't understand how "God means it unto good" with Chandler's death. I won't know until I stand in the "Home of Glory." That's one of the things that is so difficult these days - dealing with the "time". The time that we have to endure here on earth. The time that we have to wait out until we can reach heaven and "SEE" God's "glorious goal". The time that we have to face here not knowing why God did what He did. The time that we have to face each day when we miss Chandler so much.
Last night, Chad and I went out to dinner. I had told him earlier in the day what I was dealing with. So, we talked about it. He tried to help by sharing some things with me. It still bothers me that God didn't work a miracle with Chandler. It bothers me that our family is broken and will never be the same. I'm still trying to work through these feelings. A part of me wanted to try and ignore these feelings I had toward God. But, He knows everything. I can't hide it. So, I've admitted to Him that I don't like what He did. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I'm angry that He didn't do what we needed Him to do and that is to heal our son/brother.
Chad asked me last night if God had spoken to me about this issue. I told him "no". God hasn't given me any answers yet. He hasn't spoken to me or led me to any particular scripture yet to make me feel better.
But, this morning's devotion was was very applicable. The timing of today's devotion is certainly God's timing and it's a step in the right direction. So, even though God knows I'm dealing with some frustration and anger towards Him right now, I know He still loves me. He's going to get me through this.
We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
What a tremendous claim Paul makes in this verse! He does not say, "We know that in some things," "most" things, or even "joyful things" But "ALL things." This promise spans from the very smallest detail of life to the most important, and from the most humbling of daily tasks to God's greatest works of grace performed during a crisis.
Paul states this in the present tense: "God works." He does not say, "worked" or "will work." It is a continuing operation.
We also know from Scripture that God's "justice [is] like the great deep" (Ps. 36:6); at this very moment the angels in heaven, as they watch with folded wings the development of God's great plan, are undoubtedly proclaiming, "The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made" (Ps. 145:17).
Then when God orchestrates "all things . . . for the good," it is a beautiful blending. He requires many different colors, which individually may be quite drab, to weave into the harmonious pattern.
Separate tones, notes, and even discords are required to compose melodious musical anthems; a piece of machinery requires many separate wheels, parts, and connections. One part from a machine may be useless, or one note from an anthem may never be considered beautiful, but taken together, combined, and completed, they lead to perfect balance and harmony.
We can learn a lesson of faith from this: "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand" (John 13:7). J. R. Macduff
In a thousand trials, it is not just five hundred of them that work "for the good" of the believer, but nine hundred and ninety-nine plus one. George Mueller
God Meant It unto Good (Gen. 50:20 KJV)
"God meant it unto good" - O blest assurance,
Falling like sunshine all across life's way,
Touching with Heaven's gold, earth's darkest storm clouds,
Bringing fresh peace and comfort day by day.
'Twas not by chance the hands of faithless brothers
Sold Joseph captive to a foreign land;
Nor was it chance that, after years of suffering,
Brought him before the pharaoh's throne to stand.
One Eye all-seeing saw the need of thousands,
And planned to meet it through that one lone soul;
And through the weary days of prison bondage
Was working toward the great and glorious goal.
As yet the end was hidden from the captive,
The iron entered even to his soul;
His eye could scan the present path of sorrow,
Not yet his gave might rest upon the whole.
Faith failed not through those long, dark days of waiting,
His trust in God was reimbursed at last,
The moment came when God led forth his servant
To comfort many, all his sufferings past.
"It was not you but God, that led me to here,"
Witnessed triumphant faith in later days;
"God meant it unto good," no other reason
Mingled their discord with his song of praise.
"God means it unto good" for you, beloved,
The God of Joseph is the same today;
His love permits afflictions strange and bitter,
His hand is guiding the unknown way.
Your Lord, who sees the end from the beginning,
Has purposes for you of love untold.
Then place your hand in His and follow fearless,
Till you the riches of His grace behold.
There, when you stand firm in the Home of Glory,
And all life's path lies open to your gaze,
Your eyes will SEE the hand that you're now trusting,
And magnify His love through endless days.
Freda Hanbury Allen
I don't understand how "God means it unto good" with Chandler's death. I won't know until I stand in the "Home of Glory." That's one of the things that is so difficult these days - dealing with the "time". The time that we have to endure here on earth. The time that we have to wait out until we can reach heaven and "SEE" God's "glorious goal". The time that we have to face here not knowing why God did what He did. The time that we have to face each day when we miss Chandler so much.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
An Update
I haven't written in a while. I think about it everyday but I just haven't felt like putting the energy into getting my feelings from my head to my hands to type. It seems so hard sometimes to put it all into words. But, I'm going to try today and write an update on where we are and what's been happening. We are still hurting. I'm still hurting. We are still a broken family. I wake up thinking about Chandler and I go to bed thinking about Chandler. Chad and I were talking last night at dinner. We were talking about how painful all of this still is, how much we miss Chandler and how badly we hate the position we've been put in. We don't want to be grieving parents! We don't want to have just 5 of us sitting at the dinner table. We always felt like we had a pretty large family and we loved that! It's changed now and we don't like that!
We got the pool ready a few weeks ago and that was an emotional time for me. Chandler was always out there with Chad and Caleb helping. It's so hard to just see Chad and Caleb when they are outside working and doing things. There's supposed to be 3 of them out there. The first day that I went out to the pool with Corben and Carlie was hard. I was laying out on my chair and realized something was different. The kids and I would usually go out to the pool sometime after lunch. Chandler would often come out too. He would usually sit out in my beach chair. He would sometimes sit and read and sometimes he would just lay back and close his eyes. Well, as I sat there in my chair that day, Chandler wasn't sitting there with me. The chair was empty and that was hard for me to see.
We also got a trampoline a few weeks ago. Caleb and I have used it the most. When I'm out there, I can't help but think of how much Chandler would enjoy jumping on that trampoline. He would be laughing and cutting up the whole time.
I was in the laundry room the other day, straightening up some shoes. That's where everyone keeps their play/work shoes. I picked up a pair of work boots and wondered who they belonged to. Chad, Chandler and Caleb all have the same kind. They'll usually put their names on them somewhere so that they will know who they belong to. Well, I looked for a name. I looked underneath the tongue of the shoe and saw "Ch". I lost it. They were Chandler's boots. I stood there in the laundry room, holding his work boots, rubbing my hands on them and crying. I thought about what to do with the boots. Do I want to put them in my closet, in a safe place? I don't want to get rid of anything and I don't want anything to happen to anything of his. But, I decided to leave them there in the laundry room, where he last left them. I just couldn't even take them to my room yet.
A few days ago, we (the family) went out to dinner. As we were headed home, Chad mentioned something about taking a drive around the area and checking it out. So, we drove around and saw lots of farms that are out here, lots of land and mountains. At one point, Chad decided to pull off on the side of the road and let the car that was behind us go around us since we were just on a pleasure ride. Well, when we pulled over, we noticed a tombstone at the end of a road advertising a place that makes memorials. Well, we haven't placed a memorial at Chandler's grave yet. We have a small one there for now but we've got to get the large one that will be there permanently. So, when we saw that marker advertising this business, we thought we would check it out. It seemed so out of of place to be there because we are driving around in the country. There are farms everywhere, not businesses. We drive down the road looking for the place that makes these memorials. We pass another farm. It looked like we were driving in someone's driveway so I thought we had made a mistake somewhere. We approached a large garden, passed it and noticed a lady working in it. So, we backed up and talked to her about the memorial we saw. Her husband is the one who makes the memorials. It's their business. She told us to pull up to her home and she would get us a brochure. She talked for a while with us and we found out she is German Baptist. She was dressed a certain way so that's how we started talking about her faith. She asked about why we needed a memorial and we told her about Chandler. Well, they had a 14 year old son die in an accident 18 years ago. The fact that we came across this lady seemed like such a "God nod". First of all, if Chad hadn't pulled over to let the car go around us, we probably would have never noticed the memorial at the end of the road. And then, we saw the lady stooped down in the garden working and it happened to be her husband's business. On top of that, they've had to bury a son. We haven't made a decision about a memorial for Chandler yet. But, it is likely, we will use this family's business.
Yesterday, I received a package in the mail from a sweet lady that I met on Facebook after Chandler's accident. She sent me some dragonfly gifts. A friend of hers makes jewelry so she had her make me a dragonfly necklace with matching earrings. Her friend had painted a dragonfly on a light switch cover and decided to send that to me as well. There were also a few other things in the package. She also sent an article she had read in a magazine. It was about a family who lost their 13 year old daughter in a skiing accident. She was wearing a helmet but still suffered a terrible brain injury. The family donated her organs and she saved 5 lives (just like Chandler). Well, they've met the lady who received their daughter's heart. The recipient lived in, get this now, Chandler, Arizona. When the mom and the recipient met, they had a stethoscope and the mom listened to her daughter's heart beating inside the recipient's body. How amazing that would be!! I read the article through tears. The story was similar to ours: brain injury, teenager, organ donation. I hope and pray that one day we will get the chance to hear and feel Chandler's heart beating in the young girl that received it. What an amazing gift that would be for us!
We got the pool ready a few weeks ago and that was an emotional time for me. Chandler was always out there with Chad and Caleb helping. It's so hard to just see Chad and Caleb when they are outside working and doing things. There's supposed to be 3 of them out there. The first day that I went out to the pool with Corben and Carlie was hard. I was laying out on my chair and realized something was different. The kids and I would usually go out to the pool sometime after lunch. Chandler would often come out too. He would usually sit out in my beach chair. He would sometimes sit and read and sometimes he would just lay back and close his eyes. Well, as I sat there in my chair that day, Chandler wasn't sitting there with me. The chair was empty and that was hard for me to see.
We also got a trampoline a few weeks ago. Caleb and I have used it the most. When I'm out there, I can't help but think of how much Chandler would enjoy jumping on that trampoline. He would be laughing and cutting up the whole time.
I was in the laundry room the other day, straightening up some shoes. That's where everyone keeps their play/work shoes. I picked up a pair of work boots and wondered who they belonged to. Chad, Chandler and Caleb all have the same kind. They'll usually put their names on them somewhere so that they will know who they belong to. Well, I looked for a name. I looked underneath the tongue of the shoe and saw "Ch". I lost it. They were Chandler's boots. I stood there in the laundry room, holding his work boots, rubbing my hands on them and crying. I thought about what to do with the boots. Do I want to put them in my closet, in a safe place? I don't want to get rid of anything and I don't want anything to happen to anything of his. But, I decided to leave them there in the laundry room, where he last left them. I just couldn't even take them to my room yet.
A few days ago, we (the family) went out to dinner. As we were headed home, Chad mentioned something about taking a drive around the area and checking it out. So, we drove around and saw lots of farms that are out here, lots of land and mountains. At one point, Chad decided to pull off on the side of the road and let the car that was behind us go around us since we were just on a pleasure ride. Well, when we pulled over, we noticed a tombstone at the end of a road advertising a place that makes memorials. Well, we haven't placed a memorial at Chandler's grave yet. We have a small one there for now but we've got to get the large one that will be there permanently. So, when we saw that marker advertising this business, we thought we would check it out. It seemed so out of of place to be there because we are driving around in the country. There are farms everywhere, not businesses. We drive down the road looking for the place that makes these memorials. We pass another farm. It looked like we were driving in someone's driveway so I thought we had made a mistake somewhere. We approached a large garden, passed it and noticed a lady working in it. So, we backed up and talked to her about the memorial we saw. Her husband is the one who makes the memorials. It's their business. She told us to pull up to her home and she would get us a brochure. She talked for a while with us and we found out she is German Baptist. She was dressed a certain way so that's how we started talking about her faith. She asked about why we needed a memorial and we told her about Chandler. Well, they had a 14 year old son die in an accident 18 years ago. The fact that we came across this lady seemed like such a "God nod". First of all, if Chad hadn't pulled over to let the car go around us, we probably would have never noticed the memorial at the end of the road. And then, we saw the lady stooped down in the garden working and it happened to be her husband's business. On top of that, they've had to bury a son. We haven't made a decision about a memorial for Chandler yet. But, it is likely, we will use this family's business.
Yesterday, I received a package in the mail from a sweet lady that I met on Facebook after Chandler's accident. She sent me some dragonfly gifts. A friend of hers makes jewelry so she had her make me a dragonfly necklace with matching earrings. Her friend had painted a dragonfly on a light switch cover and decided to send that to me as well. There were also a few other things in the package. She also sent an article she had read in a magazine. It was about a family who lost their 13 year old daughter in a skiing accident. She was wearing a helmet but still suffered a terrible brain injury. The family donated her organs and she saved 5 lives (just like Chandler). Well, they've met the lady who received their daughter's heart. The recipient lived in, get this now, Chandler, Arizona. When the mom and the recipient met, they had a stethoscope and the mom listened to her daughter's heart beating inside the recipient's body. How amazing that would be!! I read the article through tears. The story was similar to ours: brain injury, teenager, organ donation. I hope and pray that one day we will get the chance to hear and feel Chandler's heart beating in the young girl that received it. What an amazing gift that would be for us!
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