24th Birthday

Another year has come and gone.  Today was Chandler's 24th birthday.  I think back to 24 years ago and it was the happiest day of my life.  I can remember my first born laying on my chest.  He had a head full of hair and he was beautiful. 

Chandler's birthdays are so different these days.  One part of me remembers the day he was born and how happy I was.  I think of the birthdays that we shared with Chandler here with us.  And, then, the other part of me is sad.  It's sad because now we have to celebrate without Chandler.  I also wonder what would he be doing if he were here.  And, I miss him.  Oh my goodness!  I miss him so much it hurts!

I had to work the early part of the day so I think that was a blessing.  I was busy and didn't really have time to think too much about anything else.  While I was getting ready for work this morning, I did decide to listen to Supertramp.  Chandler loved listening to their music.  For the longest time after Chandler went to heaven, I couldn't listen to their music.  But, today, I turned it on and enjoyed the music and thought about Chandler the whole time I got ready. 

After work, I went to purchase a balloon to take to the the grave.  I debated on going out to the grave at all because it was a rainy day.  But, then, I thought "so what".  I was not going to let a little water stop me from doing what I felt like I needed to do.  As I was driving to the cemetery, a song came on that immediately caught my attention.  It's a Kenny Chesney song and he is one of my favorites.  Of course, I'm ashamed to say that I had not heard this song before today but the timing was perfect. I listened to the words and I just started crying.  I cried until that song was over.  I'm sure that so many people can relate to this song but this song definitely spoke to me today.  If you haven't heard it, go check it out.  It's called Better Boat. It talks about just "breathing in and breathing out" and riding the "waves I can't control"  all while you're just "learning to build a better boat".  It was perfect.  Even the part about friends being there to talk to, to share about what's not working and what's still hurting.  I heard this song and it just made sense to me.  It really hit home.   

Better Boat - Kenny Chesney

I ain't lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone
More than I'd like to, but I'm okay with staying home
By how the last few months have changed
I smile of mourn despite the pain

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I hate waiting, ain't no patience in these hands
I'm not complaining, sometimes it's hard to change a man
I think I'm stronger than I was, I let God do what he does

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
If it's working I don't know
When I get done the thing may not flow
But I'm learning how to build a better boat

So, I arrived at the cemetery.  I got out, added the birthday balloon to Chan's flowers and I stood there under the umbrella, thinking.  Then, I just started talking and crying.  You know, being at Chandler's grave is heartbreaking.  It's still hard to believe that I'm visiting my son's grave.  It's one of the hardest things I do yet I feel like it's where I need to be.  If I hadn't gone today, I would have felt guilty.  I would have felt like a horrible mom.  It hurts to be there but it also hurts to not be there.  It doesn't make sense at all.  I know Chandler isn't there but I stood there and talked and cried for a while.  

When I got home, I made Chandler's favorite brownies.  He liked brownies sprinkled with powdered sugar.  I always make something for his birthday that he loved.  The brownies are usually what I make.  It just feels right to do something on his birthday.  

Chad and I rode out this evening to our favorite Mexican place here.  We sat and talked and cried.  Then, when we got home, we got the kids together and watched some of Chandler's movies.  As I was watching the movies with tears rolling down my face, I couldn't help but think how thankful I am that Chandler loved to make movies.  Because of that, we have some amazing videos to look at.  He left us an amazing gift.  

So, as Chandler's birthday ends, I sit here feeling thankful.  I'm thankful that I was chosen to be his mom.  I am so blessed to be his mom.  I am thankful for the memories that we have.  Even now, Chandler can make us laugh.  He had such a great sense of humor.  I'm thankful for the family and friends that have thought of us today and prayed for us.  It means a lot to still have the support 8 years later.  I'm thankful for the strength that God gives me to get through each day.  I'm thankful for the comfort that God gives us each day.  As hard as this journey is, I can not imagine going through this without the faith that we have.  And, my faith isn't always perfect.  God has heard me fuss, complain and ask why on many occasions.  But, he lets me fuss, he listens and he still loves me.  

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  I love you, always and forever!  Infinity!