2 Years

The words for this blog just aren't coming easily.  I keep typing and deleting, typing and deleting.  It's hard to believe that today marks the 2 year anniversary of Chandler going to heaven.  Sometimes I feel like it just happened because I can remember those days so vividly.  Sometimes if feels like forever ago.  We still face each day one at a time.  Some days are still harder than others.  It can stem from the mood I wake up to or  just seeing a picture of Chandler can bring back a memory that makes me miss him even more.  I can hear a song that will trigger emotions for one reason or another.  There are so many other things that can turn an okay day into a very emotional one.  Corben and Carlie will often recall memories of Chandler.  I love when they remember things.  They were so young (5 & 6) when Chandler passed away so I worry that they'll forget a lot of things they shared with Chandler.  That's why I'm thrilled when they bring up memories of Chandler.  But sometimes when they talk about him, my heart just breaks for them.  I think 'why can't Caleb, Corben and Carlie have their big brother here with them?'  It breaks my heart that they have had to experience such a huge loss at such a young age. 

We are so amazed to still have so much love and support from family and friends during this time.  We are still so appreciate of the thoughts and prayers from everybody.  The prayers do work.  God hears y'all and he helps us through the days. 

This blog is shorter than most because I can't seem to come up with the right words.  I guess a part of me is in a little bit of shock just thinking about the "2 year anniversary".  I'm just at a loss for words.  But
there is a song by Kenny Chesney that is written so perfectly.  I often have thoughts go through my mind like 'what would Chandler be doing?  where would he go to school?  would he have a family?', etc.  So, I'll end this blog with those lyrics that say it all so much better than I can right now. 


Who You'd Be Today lyrics - Kenny Chesney
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Happy Birthday!

Chandler,

When you turned 13, your dad and I each gave you individual letters that we had written.  You actually kept those letters and that meant so much to us when we found them in one of your drawers.  Well, today is your 18th birthday.  That is a big deal!  I know that if you were here with us, I would want to give another special letter to you for this special day.  Well, I want to write you a letter anyway.  You may not be here physically but you are always in our hearts, everyday!  That will never change! 

You have officially reached the "adult" age today.  I can't believe it.  I remember the day you were born like it just happened.  It was such a long labor and delivery.  I remember my doctor always referred to your birth as an "ordeal".  I think it wore him out.  We always laughed about it with him.  But, let me tell you that you were worth every pain I felt.  I remember being in the hospital not long after you were born and I said "I would do that again." 

Chandler, you were such an amazing son.  We were and still are so proud of you.  You were so smart, talented and funny.  You could always make us laugh!  We miss that so much!  A little while ago, I was sitting here watching some of the videos you made.  You would be taping goofy things and laughing and just having a good time.  But, what's funny is that sometimes Caleb would get so frustrated at you with that camera.  You're just laughing and he's just fussing at you.  It just makes us laugh when we watch those videos.

One of the difficult things about your birthdays is having all of the questions run through my mind and knowing I'll never have the answers.  How would you have changed physically over the past year?  Would you be working somewhere?  What kind of car would you have?  Would you be picking a college to go to soon?  I could go on and on with so many questions like that.   

I wish so badly that you were here to see your brothers and sister grow up.  Caleb is such an incredible young man.  He's growing up so quickly and that hurts my heart.  I know y'all are supposed to grow up and move on with your life.  But, the reality that one day soon we will have an empty nest is very sad for me. 

Corben is like you in a lot of ways.  He does things sometimes and I'll think 'that is such a Chandler thing'.  His looks get more and more like you as he gets older.  Sometimes, I'll see him walking away and it just brings back memories of you at his age. 

Carlie is still the loving little girl that she's always been.  She has a way of making me laugh like you do too.  I think she got a little bit of your humor.  She would make you proud. 

There are so many people that are trying hard to make your birthday a little easier on us.  Your Aunt Brandi is amazing.  She sent us all a package yesterday with little gifts for all of us to celebrate your day.  She just tries to put a smile on our face by doing things like that.  You know, yesterday was Connor's 8th birthday.  So, today, he is having a birthday party.  Well, Aunt Brandi told me that they are releasing balloons at his birthday party for you.  I thought that was very sweet of your cousin to share his birthday party with you by sending up balloons.  They love you so much.  A little while ago, a car pulled up in our driveway.  Aunt Brandi had some beautiful cupcakes (with dragonfly) designs delivered to us. 

Nathan's brother, David, made something pretty special for us.  He took wire hangers and went out in his backyard where a fire was built and banged on hot, wire hangers and formed them into letters to spell your name.  His sister Anna drew you a birthday picture and brought it to me. 

There are so many people praying for us and thinking of us today.  It really does help us to get through these days that are a little harder than the other days. 

I've made one of your favorite desserts today to celebrate your day.  I've made brownies and I'll soon sprinkle powdered sugar on them.  You always called them "flower bunnies".  I have no idea why you named them that.  I guess it's just your sense of humor.  But, we still laugh at that name every time we hear it. 

So, the day is nearly over.  We've had tons of friends and family praying us through another one of your birthdays without you.  Just a few minutes ago, I was checking my email.  There was a message from the person at Lifenet that we keep in touch with to get information on the recipients of your organs.  Well, can you believe she had forwarded me a letter that the heart recipient had written to us?  Today, of all days, YOUR birthday, and we receive a letter from the girl who carries your heart.  What timing!  So, I'm hoping that we'll be able to start some correspondence with her now and get to know her better. 

We miss you so much Chandler!  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish you were here.  Our lives have been changed so drastically and we still aren't used to it.  I don't think we ever will be.  We just do NOT like the change. 

I hope you've had a wonderful birthday in heaven. 

I love you so much! 

Forever your mom!