Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of Chandler living in heaven. Also, for 9 months I carried Chandler in my womb before he was born. I can remember those 9 months being so exciting. I could feel him moving inside of me. I had already lost a baby before I became pregnant with Chandler. So, when my pregnancy seemed to be going well with Chandler, I became even more excited. I was actually going to give birth for the first time. Those 9 months were so sweet! But, these last 9 months have been just the opposite - bitter! My first born isn't here with us anymore. I'm having to learn to live without one of my children here and it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do! I notice his absence in everything that we do. I miss him terribly!! Recently, I've been getting our curriculum and school supplies to get ready for our new school year. This year, I can't purchase Chandler's curriculum. I can't purchase his school supplies. Chandler should be starting his junior year in high school. He would be 16 1/2 right now, driving his car, hanging out with his friends, etc. If he were still here, I have no doubt that he would still be drawing and he would be directing and producing his movies and using his favorite actor, Corben.
Once again, God got me through another anniversary date. Every day is still difficult but the anniversaries take me back to the weekend of the accident. My mind goes back and I see things that are hard to see. Seeing those images of Chandler aren't pleasant. To see him lying there in that hospital bed, hooked up to tubes with his body broken is a painful thing. And that's what happens to me on the anniversaries. I guess, eventually, those images will fade a little and that won't happen. But, for now, it still does. I wasn't sure how I would manage to get through church yesterday. But, I went. Of course, on the way to church, Chad had a CD playing in the car and it was Newsboys. It was the CD that I had bought for Chandler the day before his accident. As the CD played, it got to one of the songs that was played at his funeral, No Grave. So, when I heard it start playing, the tears started. The song is a great song. The words are perfect but it's a hard one to listen to.
After church, we went out to lunch with friends. So, it was helpful in distracting me a little. After lunch, we went home for a while until Chad had to be back at church. I needed to get the kids school supplies so I dropped Chad and the kids off at church and I went shopping. My friends had already texted me and said that they were having dinner out and invited me along. Well, I couldn't join them because I really needed to get my shopping done. I was able to get it done pretty quickly and had time left over before I had to go pick Chad and the kids up. So, I called my friends and they were still out. They met me at Starbucks and we were able to have a little time together. Another distraction for me. These friends have been so good to me and so helpful during this time. I love you girls!
We also received a gift and card from a very special family yesterday. They were just letting us know they were still praying for us and that they miss Chandler too. We love you guys!
Now, I want to share my devotion from yesterday. I think the timing was perfect. It was a reminder of being in God's will. Of course, being in God's will for me right now is painful. I'm not happy with God's will for our family right now. I can't see what we're going through as the "best" for our family. All is can do is hope that in the end, when I reach heaven, all of this pain was worth it.
You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. (John 19:11)
Nothing that is not part of God's will is allowed to come into the life of someone who trusts and obeys Him. This truth should be enough to make our life one of ceaseless thanksgiving and joy, because God's will is the most hopeful, pleasant, and glorious thing in the world. It is the continuous working of His omnipotent power for our benefit, with nothing to prevent it, if we remain surrendered and believing.
Someone who was passing through deep water of affliction wrote a friend:
Isn't it glorious to know that no matter how unjust something may be, even when it seems to have come from Satan himself, by the time it reaches us it is God's will for us and will ultimately work to our good?
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Rom. 8:28). Think of what Christ said even as He was betrayed: "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (John 18:11).
We live fascinating lives if we are living in the center of God's will. All the attacks that Satan hurls at us through the sins of others are not only powerless to harm us but are transformed into blessings along the way. Hannah Whitall Smith
In the center of the circle
Of the will of God I stand:
There can come no second causes,
All must come from His dear hand.
All is well! for it's my Father
Who my life has planned.
Shall I pass through waves of sorrow?
Then I know it will be best;
Though I cannot tell the reason,
I can trust, and so am blest.
God is Love, and God is faithful.
So in perfect Peace I rest.
With the shade and with the sunshine,
With the joy and with the pain,
Lord, I trust You! both are needed,
Each Your wayward child to train,
Earthly loss, if we will know it,
Often means our heavenly gain. I. G. W.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no foo, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3:17-18)
I ask you to observe what a disastrous situation is being described in this passage and to notice how courageous is the faith that is expressed. It is as if the writer were actually saying, "Even if I am forced to undergo the extreme condition of not knowing where to find my next meal, and although my house is empty and my fields yield no crops and I see the evidence of divine pestilence where I once saw the fruits of God's plentiful provision, 'yet I will rejoice in the Lord.'"
I believe that these words are worthy of being written forever in stone with a diamond tool. Oh, by God's grace, may they be deeply etched on the tablets of each of our hearts! Although the above verse is very concise, it nevertheless implies or expresses the following thoughts of the writer: that in his time of distress he would flee to God; that he would maintain his spiritual composure under the darkest of circumstances; and that in the midst of everything, he would delight himself with a sacred joy in God and have cheerful expectations of Him.
Heroic confidence! Glorious faith! Unconquerable love! Philip Doddridge
Last night I heard a robin singing in the rain,
And the raindrop's patter made a sweet refrain,
Making all the sweeter the music of the strain.
So, I though, when trouble comes, as trouble will,
Why should I stop singing? Just beyond the hill
It may be that sunshine floods the green world still.
He who faces the trouble with a heart of cheer
Makes the burden lighter. If there falls a tear,
Sweeter is the cadence in the song we hear.
I have learned your lesson, bird with spotted wing,
Listening to your music with its tune of spring--
When the storm cloud darkens, it's the TIME to sing. Eben Eugene Rexford
For me, it's hard to rejoice in the Lord in my times of struggle. I see all that's happening in "my world" and I tend to become sad, down, depressed, etc. I'm certainly not joyful. I'm not sure how to be joyful in midst of the trials. This is something else I need to work on and pray about.
I ask you to observe what a disastrous situation is being described in this passage and to notice how courageous is the faith that is expressed. It is as if the writer were actually saying, "Even if I am forced to undergo the extreme condition of not knowing where to find my next meal, and although my house is empty and my fields yield no crops and I see the evidence of divine pestilence where I once saw the fruits of God's plentiful provision, 'yet I will rejoice in the Lord.'"
I believe that these words are worthy of being written forever in stone with a diamond tool. Oh, by God's grace, may they be deeply etched on the tablets of each of our hearts! Although the above verse is very concise, it nevertheless implies or expresses the following thoughts of the writer: that in his time of distress he would flee to God; that he would maintain his spiritual composure under the darkest of circumstances; and that in the midst of everything, he would delight himself with a sacred joy in God and have cheerful expectations of Him.
Heroic confidence! Glorious faith! Unconquerable love! Philip Doddridge
Last night I heard a robin singing in the rain,
And the raindrop's patter made a sweet refrain,
Making all the sweeter the music of the strain.
So, I though, when trouble comes, as trouble will,
Why should I stop singing? Just beyond the hill
It may be that sunshine floods the green world still.
He who faces the trouble with a heart of cheer
Makes the burden lighter. If there falls a tear,
Sweeter is the cadence in the song we hear.
I have learned your lesson, bird with spotted wing,
Listening to your music with its tune of spring--
When the storm cloud darkens, it's the TIME to sing. Eben Eugene Rexford
For me, it's hard to rejoice in the Lord in my times of struggle. I see all that's happening in "my world" and I tend to become sad, down, depressed, etc. I'm certainly not joyful. I'm not sure how to be joyful in midst of the trials. This is something else I need to work on and pray about.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Latest
It's been a while since I blogged. The last several weeks have been a struggle and I just can't seem to sit down and get the words typed out to make any sense. I might not make any sense now but I thought I would try and write a little update anyway.
We were able to go on vacation in July and meet my family in Panama City Beach, Florida. The trip down was horrible due to major car trouble but after we finally arrived in PC Beach, we had a great week together. As enjoyable as it was, it was still hard to be there without Chandler. There were a few times that I was alone on the beach. During those times, I would shed some tears and think about how much I missed Chandler and how badly I wanted him there with us. Honestly, there are times that I feel guilty for doing things as enjoyable as hanging out on the beach when Chandler can't be there too.
I've struggled a lot with faith these past few weeks as well and that struggle is not over. I feel like my prayers aren't being heard. I feel like God has stepped away from our family. I haven't been as faithful in reading my devotions lately. I'm sure it's wrong to feel like God doesn't care for us now. In the Bible it says "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5 I understand that verse and it seems very simple but with everything that's going on right now, it has affected me. My faith is not at it's strongest right now. It's not just the grief that we're dealing with now. There are other things going on. I just want to yell sometimes, "can't we just get a break?!" I don't know what's going on. I don't know why things are happening the way they are. I also know that my lack of faith isn't helping things.
In addition to the things going on now, there is also something else that happened the other night that wasn't good for me. Since Chandler has gone to heaven, I have wanted so badly to dream about Chandler. I miss him so terribly and would love to see him in a dream. To be able to see him alive, laughing, talking and just being himself would be so amazing. Well, that hasn't happened. I've had others who have dreamed about him and they tell me about it. As a matter of fact, a friend of mine sent me a message on Saturday and told me about a dream that she had about Chandler. It was great to hear the dream but I wondered why can't I have a dream like that? Saturday night when I went to bed, I slept good the first part of the night. At some point, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Finally, at some point, I did go to sleep for a short period of time before I had to get up for the day. It was during that little bit of time that I had a short dream and it was about Chandler. But, it wasn't a pleasant dream. When I woke up, I could feel my heart beating. Then I just laid there in bed thinking about it and getting more and more upset. That dream bothered me all day. It was also hard to get to sleep on Sunday night because of it. It was so upsetting and frustrating as well. I mean why can't I have a pleasant dream about my son? I want to see his handsome, smiling face. Is that too much to ask?!
Yesterday, Chad and I went to the cemetery to talk about getting a memorial made for Chandler's grave. Right now, there is a small one there but we need to get a larger one ordered as soon as we can. We sat down there with the guy at the office and went through the process of designing one. They have a way of doing it all on the computer so that you can see it as it's being done. It's a difficult thing to do. Sitting there looking at this memorial with my son's name on it, his birth date and death date and the other things that we had chosen to put on it is a very emotional thing to do. I never would have imagined doing the things that we have had to do over the last 8 1/2 months. Chandler should be here getting ready to begin his junior year of high school. Instead, I'm designing a memorial for him.
So, this pretty much sums up where I am right now. I'm not in the best place spiritually. I want to change that but it's hard. Maybe with the help of my friends and family praying, that can change. As far as praying for the other things going on in our life right now, I can't talk about any details now. I would just ask you to pray for the unspoken requests that we have.
We were able to go on vacation in July and meet my family in Panama City Beach, Florida. The trip down was horrible due to major car trouble but after we finally arrived in PC Beach, we had a great week together. As enjoyable as it was, it was still hard to be there without Chandler. There were a few times that I was alone on the beach. During those times, I would shed some tears and think about how much I missed Chandler and how badly I wanted him there with us. Honestly, there are times that I feel guilty for doing things as enjoyable as hanging out on the beach when Chandler can't be there too.
I've struggled a lot with faith these past few weeks as well and that struggle is not over. I feel like my prayers aren't being heard. I feel like God has stepped away from our family. I haven't been as faithful in reading my devotions lately. I'm sure it's wrong to feel like God doesn't care for us now. In the Bible it says "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5 I understand that verse and it seems very simple but with everything that's going on right now, it has affected me. My faith is not at it's strongest right now. It's not just the grief that we're dealing with now. There are other things going on. I just want to yell sometimes, "can't we just get a break?!" I don't know what's going on. I don't know why things are happening the way they are. I also know that my lack of faith isn't helping things.
In addition to the things going on now, there is also something else that happened the other night that wasn't good for me. Since Chandler has gone to heaven, I have wanted so badly to dream about Chandler. I miss him so terribly and would love to see him in a dream. To be able to see him alive, laughing, talking and just being himself would be so amazing. Well, that hasn't happened. I've had others who have dreamed about him and they tell me about it. As a matter of fact, a friend of mine sent me a message on Saturday and told me about a dream that she had about Chandler. It was great to hear the dream but I wondered why can't I have a dream like that? Saturday night when I went to bed, I slept good the first part of the night. At some point, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Finally, at some point, I did go to sleep for a short period of time before I had to get up for the day. It was during that little bit of time that I had a short dream and it was about Chandler. But, it wasn't a pleasant dream. When I woke up, I could feel my heart beating. Then I just laid there in bed thinking about it and getting more and more upset. That dream bothered me all day. It was also hard to get to sleep on Sunday night because of it. It was so upsetting and frustrating as well. I mean why can't I have a pleasant dream about my son? I want to see his handsome, smiling face. Is that too much to ask?!
Yesterday, Chad and I went to the cemetery to talk about getting a memorial made for Chandler's grave. Right now, there is a small one there but we need to get a larger one ordered as soon as we can. We sat down there with the guy at the office and went through the process of designing one. They have a way of doing it all on the computer so that you can see it as it's being done. It's a difficult thing to do. Sitting there looking at this memorial with my son's name on it, his birth date and death date and the other things that we had chosen to put on it is a very emotional thing to do. I never would have imagined doing the things that we have had to do over the last 8 1/2 months. Chandler should be here getting ready to begin his junior year of high school. Instead, I'm designing a memorial for him.
So, this pretty much sums up where I am right now. I'm not in the best place spiritually. I want to change that but it's hard. Maybe with the help of my friends and family praying, that can change. As far as praying for the other things going on in our life right now, I can't talk about any details now. I would just ask you to pray for the unspoken requests that we have.
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