Thanksgiving 2018

So, this blog is going to be a little different as far as the subject goes.  But, I've had many thoughts during these days and I've learned a little so I just want to write and be able to remind myself of it. 

As this Thanksgiving approached, I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed.  I've never really hosted Thanksgiving before and I've never been the one to do most all of the cooking.  The closer the day got, the more overwhelmed I became.  On top of that, I started to come down with a cough and it was affecting my sleep and eventually started to affect my voice.  That was helping with my stress either.  Chad was telling me "You've got to relax".  I was scheduled to work on Wednesday before Thanksgiving but ended up telling them that I wouldn't be able to make it.  It's hard to teach preschoolers if you're constantly talking and your voice is getting worse. 

So, I just planned to spend Wednesday doing meal prep and waiting on Alex and the grand kids to arrive.  I'm still overwhelmed and stressed out during this time though.  How can I get all of this done?  Will the food turn out okay?  Will the foods be ready at the same time? Can I do this?  Why am I hosting Thanksgiving?  I was really just wanting the holiday to come and go as quickly as possible.  Then, it would just be over and I could breathe.

I was working in the kitchen and at about 10:00, I heard a car.  No big deal.  Cars go down this road all the time.  Well, then, I heard a few doors shut.  So, I thought - Alex must be here.  I walked to the door to see.  As I did, I could see kids walking from a car and I saw a man with short hair.  I didn't even see his face.  I knew who it was.  I immediately got that door opened and there he stood - Caleb!  I yelled "Caleb!" I grabbed him so tight and cried.  He said "I love you".  Best words ever to a Mama!  I eventually let go and acknowledged every one else.  I told them "I love y'all too but I haven't seen him in forever".  It's been 18 months!

He came in and I just kept staring at him and he told me the story about getting here.  He had worked it out to show up here at the same time Alex did.  So, she knew he was coming and it's also the reason I ended up with the job of hosting Thanksgiving.  They worked it out for it be that way.

Corben had stayed home from school and was still sleeping so Caleb went to wake him up.  Needless to say, he was confused and a bit surprised.  We checked Carlie out of school and surprised her.  Then, we drove out to surprise Chad.  He was actually on a lunch break so we met him there. 

Needless to say, during this time of visiting with Caleb and surprising everybody, I was not getting my Thanksgiving meal prep done.  And, do you know what?  I didn't care!  My stress level was gone.  I didn't care if any of the foods weren't ready for the next day.  The family was together and that is all that mattered.  My son was home after a year and a half  of being so far away.  It was even a blessing that I was sick and didn't work.  If I hadn't been home, I probably wouldn't have seen Caleb as early in the day as I did.  I believe I've also been able to enjoy having everyone here more than I would have.  I wasn't overwhelmed anymore.  So, I was able to just enjoy the time with everybody.  I wasn't consumed with thoughts of the food.  And, do you know what?  All of the food got prepped.  All of it got cooked and all of it was delicious.  We even ate earlier than we had planned to. 

God definitely blessed.  And, he taught me.  He said "See, Amie.  Just relax.  I had plans all along to give you the best Thanksgiving that you've had in a while.  You were freaking out over nothing."

So, maybe next time I'm feeling so overwhelmed and stressed about something, I should relax a little.  Maybe it's not all that bad.  Maybe there's a plan here.  God's up to something. 

24th Birthday

Another year has come and gone.  Today was Chandler's 24th birthday.  I think back to 24 years ago and it was the happiest day of my life.  I can remember my first born laying on my chest.  He had a head full of hair and he was beautiful. 

Chandler's birthdays are so different these days.  One part of me remembers the day he was born and how happy I was.  I think of the birthdays that we shared with Chandler here with us.  And, then, the other part of me is sad.  It's sad because now we have to celebrate without Chandler.  I also wonder what would he be doing if he were here.  And, I miss him.  Oh my goodness!  I miss him so much it hurts!

I had to work the early part of the day so I think that was a blessing.  I was busy and didn't really have time to think too much about anything else.  While I was getting ready for work this morning, I did decide to listen to Supertramp.  Chandler loved listening to their music.  For the longest time after Chandler went to heaven, I couldn't listen to their music.  But, today, I turned it on and enjoyed the music and thought about Chandler the whole time I got ready. 

After work, I went to purchase a balloon to take to the the grave.  I debated on going out to the grave at all because it was a rainy day.  But, then, I thought "so what".  I was not going to let a little water stop me from doing what I felt like I needed to do.  As I was driving to the cemetery, a song came on that immediately caught my attention.  It's a Kenny Chesney song and he is one of my favorites.  Of course, I'm ashamed to say that I had not heard this song before today but the timing was perfect. I listened to the words and I just started crying.  I cried until that song was over.  I'm sure that so many people can relate to this song but this song definitely spoke to me today.  If you haven't heard it, go check it out.  It's called Better Boat. It talks about just "breathing in and breathing out" and riding the "waves I can't control"  all while you're just "learning to build a better boat".  It was perfect.  Even the part about friends being there to talk to, to share about what's not working and what's still hurting.  I heard this song and it just made sense to me.  It really hit home.   

Better Boat - Kenny Chesney

I ain't lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone
More than I'd like to, but I'm okay with staying home
By how the last few months have changed
I smile of mourn despite the pain

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I hate waiting, ain't no patience in these hands
I'm not complaining, sometimes it's hard to change a man
I think I'm stronger than I was, I let God do what he does

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
If it's working I don't know
When I get done the thing may not flow
But I'm learning how to build a better boat

So, I arrived at the cemetery.  I got out, added the birthday balloon to Chan's flowers and I stood there under the umbrella, thinking.  Then, I just started talking and crying.  You know, being at Chandler's grave is heartbreaking.  It's still hard to believe that I'm visiting my son's grave.  It's one of the hardest things I do yet I feel like it's where I need to be.  If I hadn't gone today, I would have felt guilty.  I would have felt like a horrible mom.  It hurts to be there but it also hurts to not be there.  It doesn't make sense at all.  I know Chandler isn't there but I stood there and talked and cried for a while.  

When I got home, I made Chandler's favorite brownies.  He liked brownies sprinkled with powdered sugar.  I always make something for his birthday that he loved.  The brownies are usually what I make.  It just feels right to do something on his birthday.  

Chad and I rode out this evening to our favorite Mexican place here.  We sat and talked and cried.  Then, when we got home, we got the kids together and watched some of Chandler's movies.  As I was watching the movies with tears rolling down my face, I couldn't help but think how thankful I am that Chandler loved to make movies.  Because of that, we have some amazing videos to look at.  He left us an amazing gift.  

So, as Chandler's birthday ends, I sit here feeling thankful.  I'm thankful that I was chosen to be his mom.  I am so blessed to be his mom.  I am thankful for the memories that we have.  Even now, Chandler can make us laugh.  He had such a great sense of humor.  I'm thankful for the family and friends that have thought of us today and prayed for us.  It means a lot to still have the support 8 years later.  I'm thankful for the strength that God gives me to get through each day.  I'm thankful for the comfort that God gives us each day.  As hard as this journey is, I can not imagine going through this without the faith that we have.  And, my faith isn't always perfect.  God has heard me fuss, complain and ask why on many occasions.  But, he lets me fuss, he listens and he still loves me.  

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  I love you, always and forever!  Infinity!